Being submissive isn’t always easy
Submission isn’t always sexy. It isn’t always exciting. It isn’t all porn and sex and being tied up.
It is hard sometimes. Ok, it is REALLY hard sometimes. Especially when it isn’t any kind of choice.
For the bedroom only subs, it’s a choice, and that’s absolutely fabulous. More power to them (lol, i realise that’s a bit of an oxymoron if you think about it).
And i am pretty certain it’s also not always easy for them. But the point of that comparison is, they can easily choose to switch it off. Or rather they have times when it isn’t even in their conciousness. They can happily go about their day, and not do anything even slightly submissive until another ‘’scene’’ comes around, or another night of sexy, kinky fun is on the cards.
Again, yep, that’s great. Literally NOTHING wrong with that. Enjoy. Do your thing and have fun with it.
But i am talking about 24/7 stuff. The stuff that ISN’T a choice.
Did i choose to be this way? You bet your backside i did not!
It has caused a lot of problems in my past. Guys who i told, hoping they would understand, and who simply rubbed their gleeful hands together thinking ‘’ooh, an easy chick i can order around in bed!’’ or even NOT in bed.
And even guys who i didn’t tell, because it was before i figured it all out. Before i figured out why i was so frustrated and worked out exactly what was missing.
i didn’t realise my submissive nature until only a few years ago. It was a very gradual process, and it took a very long time for me to work it all out, and to put an actual name to it.
But even now, when i am with the most amazing Man i have ever met. When i am with someone who actually understands, appreciates and accepts me. And someone who actually wants this part of me…..it still isn’t ‘’easy’’.
Of course, part of that is simply the kind of submissive that i am. Some days are a struggle for me. Sometimes i feel completely inadequate and that i am not ‘’enough’’. No, not as a person, or as a woman in her own right, but as a submissive.
An almost constant inner dialogue, telling myself i could do better, i could give more, i could try harder, i could stop asking so many questions…etc, etc, etc.
Even when He tells me that i am doing good, that He understands why it’s not always easy to simply let go. He tells me i give Him so much. But……those thoughts don’t quit.
And just living away from Him, having to pretend to be ‘’normal’’ in any environment where we are not together, and away from other people.
Like i have said before, that is the act. That is the role i play.
When all i want to do is fall at my knees and lay my head against His lap, or to put myself at His feet, or call Him Master (no, names are not important, but that is what i feel most comfortable calling HIm - that would be the same for anyone in the vanilla world that had to call their partner anything other than what they usually call them, for whatever reason).
So no, it isn’t always easy to be this way.
But is it worth it? For me, yes, absolutely. Because i know that my Master needs that from me, and i know that i need control and dominance from Him.
We were simply made for each other, and no matter how difficult it may sometimes feel, none of that matters when i am with Him.
