Life Update: Songwriting, Parents, Fear
Sooo, I did my song, and I got through it. I haven't heard it yet, but I don't think my voice cracked or shook that much. Really, I can't remember - I started to hear fear and anxiety in my ear when I started playing and to drown them out, I completely disconnected from everything around me, turning my affections toward Him.
On a definite positive note, PEOPLE LIKED MY LYRICS! The ones that anxiety said yesterday were trash, all my peers agreed were relatable and non-cliche'd! That was huge for me.
My mom had no comment when I played them for her. I told her it would be hard for me when she wanted to hear them (she's always been my biggest, and harshest critic). When she brushed that confession off, I felt ignored and as if my feelings weren't valued. It hurt, but I chose to play anyway. She didn't look at me when I played, and when I finished she didn't even acknowledge what I did. That might have hurt more. It felt like I offered her a piece of myself that I was so protective of, and she chose to completely reject it. Perhaps this is a good place to create a boundary? From now on, maybe my response will be something along the lines of, "I'm really trying to grow my confidence in myself, and when I play for you, it doesn't help, so I'd rather not."
On the plus side, I'm playing a soaking room on Thursday. My set-list is prepared, and surprisingly, I'm nowhere near as nervous as I usually am. There's a peace I feel about it. In the past couple of months, I have learned that to say no to fear, is to say yes to love, and vice versa. This is huge for me.
SN: (This is in no way false humility) I know this blog post is terribly written. Its past 12am, and I'm not thinking like a prose writer. I just really had to get this out.
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