‘When a friend is like a stranger and a stranger is like a friend.’
For 5 years i am in my high school, i’ve my own group of closed-friends.
Then, we aparted to different places. Few in foundation and other were in matriculation including myself.
Afterwards, our education need to continue for more. We’re in degree furthering in our studies. And as the time goes by, only in the Eid holidays we can meet again.
The awkward silence in every conversation we had always the most i wanted to avoid from.
i hate and i don’t want to be in that kind of situation.
But the missing pieces of our joyful memories back in our school days still force me to meet you up even tho it itself tortures me.
The pain inside is helpless.
and i don’t know whatever reason that makes me do feel the pain without injuries.
i don’t even understand my ownself.
Why i was making such silences?
Why i found it is soo hard to bare this?
and Why i feel not happy when i am with them?
This is the questions i mostly asked to myself when i am with friends.
again. Mayn, i am such a weirdo.
and there is no other reason why i am afraid to have a long-friendship with someone.
because my heart already vacant and my feelings already dunk in deep ocean i made.
and it is getting harder to put a trust.
and the sincerity in friendship is not me who is giving.
Ok. Let me tell a bit of my youth (in havin closed-friends).
in my high school. I’ve got a group of 8.
in my college. I’ve got no group of people but i’ve few heads that i be friend with.
and the present. in my university. I’ve got a group of 6.
after college, i have made my mind that having your own troop of friends is not a bad idea but it can be worst in time.
//This doesn’t mean that i don’t appreciate and love my gang. but some things need to be pushed out from my hidden mind. //
this is bcs in my college, i finally find only one or two heads that i can sorted everything to them. and i don’t feel any boundaries and the strangeness and the awkwardness when i spend my time with them.
after two year passed. The feeling is still the same when i was chatting and calling with them. And that is the feeling i’ve been really looking for and wanting to keep. and we still do chats and make a call even tho it is not frequent. can be months to make a short video call or a year of a call. but the feeling of the events still warms me.
and as the time goes by, the gang i’d when im in my high school was getting quieter and awkwarder.
It is soo strange. and I do hate this feelings happened. I want to make a change. i want to uplift the mood. and the mood was uplifted. but still, it won’t last long like i have always been wanted.
The feelings of being myself.The feelings of saying whatever in my mind.The feelings of not getting awkward.The feelings of having to faking myself.and The feelings of feeling close and having closed friends.
Now, i still find the feelings and the moods are still the same. and i am hopeless of the truth.
Are they are my closed-friends?... or not?
i know i shouldn’t asked myself such a selfish question. But it can’t be help and it always appear in my thoughts.
i am not a ‘let me start the conversation first’ kind of a person.
and i don’t want put a blame on anyone else.
because i just don’t know.... how.. what to do.. just don’t know...
soo, the silence is the best company i could get along when this situation happens.
Lets move on. The present. University life.
I met myself with these 5 heads.
and i found myself being comforts to talk whatever in my mind before them.
and me is being my ownself much more than i ever been before. The feels is the same when i am in college but lil bit difference because there are 10 eyes, 10 ears, 5 mouths and more advices,thoughts and joys are there.
It is strange. It is weird. because it happens just like that.
and the knots are still fresh and new. I don’t want to put all my trusts yet. I still have more years to come for me to test the roots.
and i do hope and pray to Him that this is what my innerself really wants and this is what i’ve been hoping.
but to cuts my friendships with my high school friends and college friends are definitely not what i want to. i want to keep them. i am growing and learning because of them.