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Preparation for University

There are high school teachers who equates being harsh as being effective teachers. They rationalize the torture they inflict on their students as preparing them for university. Hah! This is actually like teaching someone not to drown by throwing them in the water to forcibly learn how to swim. Teachers, your responsibility is to teach them techniques, incaulcate right habits, and provide guidance which they can eventually use when in university. Going back to swimming analogy, you have to teach the basics of swimming like floating, footwork, arm movements, and the likes. You don't mimic the harshness of university life. Do you prick your child to teach them about pain? Of course not, you tell them about dangers and how to keep safe. You teach them about health to prevent diseases or avoid getting sick.

Devil and the deep blue sea

Where is my place?

Certainly don't know where.

I can't find comfort as a child. Nor sense as a parent.

I can't find fulfilment in my career nor do I have time for fun.

What a shameful trajectory my life has become.

Even at night nightmares are my companions

It's a dark dark place. Not even a flicker of light

Meaning

I need a life, my life

One that makes sense

One that gives me reason to live

I need to feel my heart beating

With joy, with excitement!

I have to leave this life that was setup for me

Or else it's me being a living dead

A song without a melody

An inaudible hum

Overpowered by the noise of this world

Forever Outsider

Here I am again, watching, listening, feeling the going ons but no part in it. They talk, they laugh, they cry. I hear them, I have something to say. I find things funny, too. I am happy when they are happy, too. I raged at the injustices they experience. And I grieve for their loss. Do they know this? I guess not.

I feel awkward when I approach. For then, they disperse. They let me eat alone. The savory food tasting like paper and air. Am I not family to you? No, the question is unheard. Never will be answered.

buddhaismyhomeboy

Me against the family

It's sad to think you stand alone because they don't think you're worthy of their attention. Then you realize, you've been walking by yourself the whole time. You've been giving and accommodating to make them notice, believe and care for you. How long can you sustain this relationship, do you still have something to give? You look empty to me now. No wonder you've become practically invisible. Wake up. Be free, love yourself because no one else will. Restore your energy and this time, use it for someone worthy of you,

Via Madre

There are people who recognize me as the daughter of this "saintly" woman. Their knowledge of me is as my mother built up. And not knowing how to live authentically, I hid behind this ghost of a perfect daughter.

Her death should have freed me. But now I feel lost. Suddenly, I'm faced with this woman with no self concept. So instead of breaking away from these people from my mother's, I stayed connected. They, however, have no need of a woman who have a life not revolving around them. They don't want a woman who does not mouthed the same mantra as theirs.

So in this dark dark night, I woke up. I am walking away. Maybe slowly as I am still a little scared. Sure footed, though, as light is seeping through the crack where my mother passed as she left this dimension I am still in.

terracemuse

start now.

PARENTLESS

A child without parents is an orphan. What do you call an adult who have lost both mother and father? It just hit me last night and actually voiced out to my husband. I don't have parents anymore...

I lost my Dad three years ago. I did cry when I learned about it. At his wake, I have the company of Mom, siblings and large gathering of relatives. It was very comforting and saying goodbye, to my surprise was fairly easy. We talked about Dad's qualities and antics. My Dad was endearing, funny and annoying at times. But those annoying incidents no longer tugged at us. My siblings and I just shook our heads then smiled on remembering.

Exactly two weeks ago, I received a message from my brother that Mom was confined. I immediately messaged my mother to check on her. I received nothing in response. She's usually quick to reply. I thought, she must be feeling really awful. Death crossed my mind which I desperately dispelled. Unlike my Dad who see no wrong with me, I have a love-hate relationship with Mom. She did everything for us which feels suffocating. I could not enjoy anything without knowing she approves of it. I cannot enjoy expensive items without reserving an amount to send to her. I have always felt inadequate as a child thinking I cannot repay what she has done for us. I left the country where I was born, now admittedly to run away from her. And feeling guilty at the back of my mind, I arranged for her and Dad to visit us. It did not work out the way I'd hope it would.

We moved on with me far but keeping constantly in touch. I dreaded her calls which makes me feel small every time. After Dad's death, the tensions slowly eased. And then the message. My brother sent two nights of updates. The following morning, the message which I have been denying but with honesty had expected. She left us.

I was surprised with the grief that rushed through me. I had just said in my mind the night before "I forgive you Mom for all the emotional pains and I forgive myself for wanting a different treatment from you and blaming you for my reactions". I must be communicating directly with her that night.

Now it still feel raw thinking of her. I have forgiven her realizing she did what she did believing those were what I need and what is right. Being right matters to her so much I grew up with the same attitude. The same attitude that still stinging me and questioning whether I have really forgiven myself. Until now I still feel I failed the role of a daughter. And she is no longer here to assure me that this is not so.

LIVING

I am not getting any younger yet I have not fully lived my life. I must stop planning and just live. Yes, they are right. There is no perfect time. Or maybe it is always the perfect time. Oh girl, just live. Stop worrying about tomorrow and regretting yesterday. Just live and finally see why you came here and be.

dimensional-tourist

“There is nothing to practise. To know yourself, be yourself. To be yourself, stop imagining yourself to be this or that. Just be. Let your true nature emerge. Don’t disturb your mind with seeking. ”

Nisargadatta Maharaj

lighthearted-science

“Stop trying to heal yourself, fix yourself, even awaken yourself. Let go of letting go. Stop trying to fast-forward the movie of your life. It gets so exhausting, doesn’t it, always trying to get there, chasing futures that never seem to arrive, living on second-hand promises. Instead, bow deeply to yourself as you actually are. Be here. Honour this present scene in the movie. Your pain, your sorrow, your doubts, your deepest longings, your fearful thoughts, are not mistakes, and they aren’t asking to be healed. They are asking to be held. Here, now, lightly, in the loving arms of present awareness…”

— Jeff Foster

siftingthroughvariety

I love the ideas in this story...

People of any and all belief systems can celebrate Christmas if they understand its true meaning. Christmas is not just about the birth of a highly evolved child 2000 years ago, but is representative of the birth of the Christ within every individual. We have spoken of this in previous Christmas messages, but choose to repeat it for those yet unaware of the real meaning of Christmas.

The word Christ does not refer to the master Jesus except as his attained title, nor does it only have to do with the religion called Christianity. The word Christ is not a man, or a name, or a religion, but means Light or full illumination–enlightenment. Christhood is the birthright of every soul, each being the perfect expression of God/Source no matter how un-aware of this they may be. There is only ONE Reality and you are IT.

Everything you see, hear, taste, touch, and smell in the human scene is a mind formed interpretation of a spiritual reality–you cannot make something out of nothing. The Christmas story and all that surrounds it represents a much deeper reality, one that effects each and every soul.

The Christmas story is the story of every soul’s evolution into Christ Consciousness. Creation is already complete and you are already whole, but being on earth in a physical body that is governed by time and space brings with it a veil of unknowing, one that leaves the majority unaware of who and what they are, thus making evolution into a process.

Mary and Joseph represent the perfect balance of the Divine feminine and masculine energies necessary in order for the new and higher state of consciousness to be formed.

As the infant state of awareness begins to grow, there arise third dimensional concepts and beliefs to be examined and cleared. This gestation period can and usually does take lifetimes and usually leaves the individual often feeling depleted and lost as their known foundation crumbles, seeming to leave them with nothing. This is the stable.

The Christ cannot and never will be born into a consciousness that is already filled with three dimensional concepts and beliefs. The humble stable represents an attained state of consciousness devoid of everything false and unreal–necessary for birthing the Christ consciousness.

Those with eyes to see and ears to hear, easily recognize and are drawn to the energy of this state of consciousness, (the wise men) and think nothing of any inconveniences that may be involved in order to be in its presence.

At the same time, those living from a sense of their own power and importance within the energies of duality and separation are only able to comprehend the strength of others or love as a threat. They understand power only as power over something or someone, rather than power being the birthright of every soul by virtue of their oneness with Source. Thus we have the soldiers of Herod seeking to destroy the new born child.

The Christ consciousness will always be hunted and persecuted by those who believe that their very existence (ego) is threatened by the power of another. The newly born Christ consciousness must be hidden silently and secretly, and nurtured within until it is strong enough to withstand the slings and arrows of the outer scene.

The Christmas story is your story dear ones, and is the story of every person regardless of where they are in their evolutionary journey because everyone is the expression of Divine Consciousness and therefore already holds the fullness of the living Christ within.

No one attains this state of consciousness from outside of self, from some “right” teacher, or teaching for there is no such thing. Rather, the whole journey of evolution is about opening up to the “imprisoned splendor” already present within.

Enjoy the season and freely give not only material gifts, but gifts of love, abundance, joy, peace, wholeness, harmony, etc., fully aware that you can never be depleted of these gifts for they are never yours personally, but rather flow infinitely from that endless Source within.

Let Christmas be yours every day of the year. Let Christmas become who and what you are in every moment, situation, and experience and you will observe it flow easily into each New Year (life).

Wishing all your own true Christmas.

We are the Arcturian Group 12/17/17

My Truth

4. I regret not caring more during my Dad's sickness. I have been so worried about the hospital bills. I regret believing my Mom about my singing "non" ability.

I'm sorry that I seemed to have done the same with my children. I believe though that I am trying to improve. I am sorry for still listening to that distorted voice of insecurity.

I take responsibility for my action towards my children even after I knew better.

I didn't mean to be insensitive. I just acted on default.

I understand that she's doing those things thinking she's doing the right thing. Which is always what matters to her.

I know sometimes I act like her. But I'm trying to be more conscious now. Hopefully I can do better.

I want forgiveness for those times I left her alone in the hospital.

My Truth

2. This makes me sad as I see no reason to be hopeful. No matter what I do, I end in the same place if not worst. I am sad because I know she's sad.

I am so hurt by the betrayal and the manipulation. I feel sad that I can't seem to feel any empathy towards her. I can't even say I love you back. It hurts me to think that I am just a child to raise to be good and not to be happy.

I feel so disappointed to know I am not a loving child. I see all those posts about their mother's being the best and I can't say I feel the same. I feel disappointed that I don't really care.

3. I'm afraid I will be punished for being a bad child. Who knows if hell is real, I might end up there.

I am scared that my children will not love me as well. I will end up alone and lonely when I grow old.

This makes me feel insecure towards my cousins and all to whom my Mom talks to. I feel they are judging me based entirely on my mother's words which on deeper level I feel could be true.

The deep wound is that I feel I am not really who I thought I was. That I lived my life being the person my Mom wanted me to be. Now I don't even know what I want for mysel.

I am always reminded of the things which I felt I didn't do right. I feel like I didn't do justice to myself. It is painful when you can't think of something good with yourself.

My Truth

1. I'm angry for being manipulated and being made guilty for things I can't even identify anymore. I'm angry for growing up feeling inadequate. I'm angry that I don't have real self-esteem confidence. I m angry for growing up valuing money and productivity and rewards.

I blame my Mom mostly for this. She has turned me into a shriveled girl in the name of being right and appearing good. I blame my eldest brother for making me worry about grades and instilling cowardice in me. I blame my Mom for placing value in me based on how much I can blindly obey her and how much I can give.

I resent myself for being a doormat most of the time. I resent myself for continuing the pattern of self-abuse. I resent myself for not valuing myself and for failing to develop any self concept.

It makes me so mad when feel being taken advantaged of. It makes me so mad when I'm pushed into the corner and I can't even make a stand. It makes me so mad when I turn against myself in favor of others.

I am completely fed up with the feeling of failure. I feel that no matter how I try, I end up betraying myself. I am fed up with the feeling of hopelessness.

I hate myself for my inability to be genuinely kind. I hate myself for abandoning myself. I hate myself for my cowardice.

My Truth

Deep down I have the purest intention and they are to be a good daughter and make my parents happy. I want my family to be together and help them financially.

Deep down in my heart I want comfort and belonging. At the same time I want freedom to be myself.

What solutions in this situation can I think of?

- I have to work on my abundance mentality first. This way, I will be able to give freely.

- I have to work on my boundaries. This way I will always be true to myself and help without losing myself.

I hope that I can start soon and that I still have a lot of time.

I feel gratitude for the space given by God. I feel gratitude for the distance I am afforded plus the financial means to work on myself. I feel gratitude for the lovely people He has surrounded me with.

I forgive my Mom for she thinks she's doing what is right. I forgive myself for getting angry and taking the time to be away and be selfish for now.

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