Her Cloudless Blue Sky. @hercloudlessbluesky - Tumblr Blog

‪Constantly analyze yourself. Figure out why certain things upset you. Question your own motives. Understand your behavior. This creates a pathway for change. Acknowledging why you do the things you do is the first step in shifting out of toxic patterns.‬

Another Ending.

I'm convinced this song completely owns me. Every time I go through this shit, it always relates back to the same thing. Frankly i am tired of giving so much and barely getting anything back in return.

But its fine, I don't want to regret anything. I learnt a lot, experienced a lot. Maybe i have some regrets but none of that matters anymore. I'm not his. He's not mine. I'll move on.

I wonder if I'll give him all the poems I wrote for him. I don't see the point anymore but I am a sentimental person. Selectively so.

One thing I want back? My virginity please, thank you. Jokes.

What a privilege it is to be completely anonymous here.

Perth and all the things that come with it.

I've been in Perth for roughly a month now. It's been a surprisingly good time. I was surprised by how much I enjoyed staying here. There's not much to offer geographically but I guess it's the company I enjoy.

I love my roommate, she can be a tad clingy at times but nothing I can't handle. She respects my personal space and I'm grateful that we're able to communicate straightforwardly just about anything. There is some questionable behavior from my other housemates but it's not something worth questioning. They're old enough to know their right and wrongs and I am self-aware and believe in my principles too much to even get influenced, so it's not really anything to worry about.

Boys, where do I even begin. My love life was going through a rough patch and it really made me waver. I get a lot of attention, not that I wanted them in the first place. I like hanging out with a few of them, out of the lot. The rest? well, I read them 5 seconds after I met them.

It's been great, just wish there were more to do. I'm a night person after all.

Recent.

Everything's been pretty okay. I've been spending time with people I love, I also have been sick. That part sucks.

So, so much. I am so sick of being sick, its actually insane.

Dealing with loneliness.

it was a challenge in the beginning, I was puttting roles on people when it was not even my place to do so.

Thinking that they're supposed to fill up my time and cure my loneliness but that was not the issue. But i'm so conflicted, because being around people motivates me, being an extrovert.

As well as me having so many thoughts and idea but being unable to share them with anyone.

I have a boyfriend but he's, well a pretty clueless guy, he doesnt call me that often and I've learned to accept that. Its hard but I've learned to be okay with it. Is it difficult? yes.

I don't know, maybe I'm meant to be lonely. I just wish I had someone to keep me company. Or maybe I'm just clingy.

hayaomiyazaki

EPIK HIGH (에픽하이) - sleepless in __________ DOCUMENTARY

nanzse

scenery phone wallpapers [540x960]

films by makoto shinkai ☆

My current dilemmas

- im extremely tired from my parents relationship, having to act as if im neutral is very mentally challenging.

-im on my second period this month.

-having to be patient with my boyfriend because he never knew how to deal with a relationship.

- this keyboard being fucking annoying.

- ALSO IM HUNGRY AS FUCKK

i will never be more than adequate.

is what rings in my ear, constantly in my ear, my mind, my heart.

i am mediocre. i am not enough.

not worth the trouble, the hassle, someone not worth fighting for to keep around.

i overthink so much, a simple phrase that could have been a joke could stay in mind for years, i overanalyse things, situations.

i am so sensitive. i notice everything, indifference, impatience, and every time i do, it hurts.

i can never be transparent, letting someone in seems impossible. when will i ever let anyone in without feeling stripped bare naked.

never.

theres a reason why love never works out for me.

im simply,

not enough.

for anyone.

First Time.

I did it. I'm only writing about it because I find it somehow memorable and I'm fully anonymous here so, why not right?

It was prior to our date, we were supposed to go somewhere but well, we were late.

it was, if I had to describe it with one word. Passionate. and maybe rough?

which is exactly how I wanted it to be anyway so it was perfect.

it all felt very compatible and natural, I didn't feel as if I needed to pretend to be sexier or anything. it was as if it wasn't my first time really.

I think sex is intense, definitely.

my favourite part is when i'm sitting on his lap, facing him and we're both grabbing each other as if we just can't get enough.

and I don't think I ever can.

future me : turns out, love makes you delusional, i did get enough of him in the end.

i think there is something wrong with me.

I did multiple tests, regarding my mental health, and so far, the tests have all resulted in ‘severe depression’ and I did another test today, and apparently I am showing high symptoms for bipolar.

I am not one to self diagnose, I don’t want to do that. But I know that I am not going to get professional help for a long time so I had to resort to that.

Lately, I’ve been feeling like I can’t feel this way. Like I am not allowed to. I don’t know. I just feel so fucking ungrateful knowing there are other people out there who wish they had what I have and they’re still being strong but here I am.

I don’t know how to do this anymore, all my life, all I have ever wanted was to be okay. I just wish I could erase myself, and never exist in the first place.

I don’t think I deserve to feel like this, I’ve always been the designated happy friend, my personality has always been deemed to be happy and cheerful. I don’t want to ruin that, somehow having others think that I am capable to be happy, and that I’m strong, makes me feel better.

Sometimes, I wish, someone could see right through me. To be able to point out when I’m not okay, since I do it so well. But I know that's stupid, people can’t read minds.

I feel like a fake, like I’m a fraud. I tell everyone to be happy and yet here I am.

The question of why is so hard to answer.

‘Why are you not okay?’ ‘What's wrong?’

and as I struggle to answer, sometimes I can see them giving up. and my heart tightens and I build my walls up even higher.

but i answer anyway, with a lie, with something else that could make me sad, a lie believable enough for them to think that I can be sad about it.

every time I do that, I’m just ignoring my feelings yet again, and they pile up.

For almost 3 weeks now, I feel like they’re falling on top of my head, rapidly. I feel like I’m drowning, my heart feels so heavy, my insomnia is back, im not eating. im barely existing.

help me, please. idk what to do.

please.

hanging on a thread.

i’m afloat

in space

i dont know what to do

what to look for

what to look forward to

im just waiting

as I usually do

I’m just waiting.

I let you control

control me

control whats going to happen

control the impact

because ik whatever happens

as usual

i pick up my own pieces.

i am an angry bitch.

Its puzzling to me how I rage so easily. Like to some people, they get sad so easily, yet I get mad in a blink of an eye. But I’ve learned to supress it and not be so obvious when there’s people around me, I just don’t want people to associate the word ‘angry’ with me.

But I’m always angry. what the fuck am I, the hulk?

the end of the dotted line.

My relationship has ended. I ended it. But maybe it already ended a long time ago and I just confirmed it for closure. It was a good experience, and I don’t regret it, maybe a little, but not in a i-wanna-cry-and-bawl-my-eyes-out kinda way, its a normal kind of regret.

I cried for one day, only one, it was a mixture of relief and a depressing understanding of how everything have ended. Like, in a concrete way. I really did try my best and god it was tiring. I was so desperate, and I’m glad I don’t have to be anymore. I really am thankful for all the memories he gave me and I will forever treasure the memories we both made.

who are you?

Barack Obama

temporary joy.

I have been feeling A-OK lately, minus the fact that I have not been sleeping, but still. I feel quite grateful and happy with what I have and I have been keeping up the positivity,with myself and other people.

I got tired of being so sad all the time and decided to pick myself up. Because, I realized, I was mostly sad because of a particular person.

I felt like I was always waiting for him, waiting for something, expecting shit that was never going to happen. It was like, I lived for him, which wasn’t healthy at all. I get like that sometimes.

It made me really sad on how much I would do for him but I didn’t get the same. I don’t know. Love languages are different for everyone I guess. Finally I came to terms to just not have any expectations and just be my own person. I’ll give everybody the same energy and treatment they give me.

But now, since I’m no longer pursuing, or for a lack of a better word, simping. Its gotten quiet. Which, I already expected, but goddamn I would be lying if I said I wasn’t lazy or tired of trying to ‘fix’ it. But its okay, we’ll just see how it goes.

I wonder if he even misses me. Like, actually.

Sometimes people say they love or miss someone just because they feel like they have to. Not because they want to and it kills me.

I wish I was wanted. But, I guess not.

Its okay.

//Happen Ending

I can’t stop writing. I just want to spend all my time on this page and write about my feelings and thoughts for hours. Not giving a fuck about what anybody thinks because nobody knows its me. Things I’ve wanted to tell others but always held back. It feels nice to be in touch with your thoughts, you know?

Anyways, I wanted to talk about Happen Ending,

Its honestly one of the best songs I have ever heard in my life, and without fail, whenever someone asks me for a song recommendation, I say it almost spontaneously.

But what always makes me so upset is,

no one really listens to it after i tell them too.

But I always listen to whatever song they suggest to me. Its like, isn’t it kind of expected? You listen to people’s opinion and idk, i feel like the songs people listen to tells you a lot about who they are as a person. Even if its just scratching the surface.

And I’m telling you, NO ONE FUCKING LISTENS TO IT.

And idek where I’m going with this. but anyways, listen to Happen Ending by Epik High.

#epikhigh #happenending

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Her Cloudless Blue Sky.