here for a spell

🏳️‍🌈🌹❤️

[hereforaspell]

I’m well over a decade late to the Castle party, but hear me out…

I knew nothing about the show going into it. And I’ve been obsessed with the two of them since the beginning. Love. They give me all the feels, and I want them to be happy.

I’m much more invested in Beckett than I am Castle, though, and I just finished the season 5 finale, and I have ✨Thoughts✨.

Putting under a Read More in case there are others like me who haven’t seen it yet.

Did anyone else take issue with the proposal?

Some background on me: I left my husband in 2020. I was pretty well convinced that he didn’t even like me. I was shocked that *he* was shocked when divorce was brought up. The entire time, I knew it would be an amicable split when I got up the nerve to mention it, so color my world rocked when he was upset about it.

I had a ton of PTSD to work through once I got out of our house and into my own apartment. Things I didn’t even realize he had conditioned me to be frightened of. He was psychologically and emotionally abusive and had been for years.

Anyway. All of this to say that I have some trauma. lol Especially when it comes to narcissistic people, and let’s be real. Diagnosed or not, Castle is a bit of a narcissist. Swirl that around with his privilege, and he is wildly oblivious and clueless about so many things.

I wanted more for Beckett. I wanted the romantic gesture. The build up to a proposal. The planned out event, the forethought. Not that it needed to be a spectacle, but I wanted more for her than a lovebomb a few episodes back leading to an apology that was still all about him and then a panicked proposal.

I watched the first episode of season 6, so I know there was more to it than that, but I nearly cried when he pulled out that ring on the swings.

I know he loves her. And I know he wasn’t doing it to get her to stay. But it still felt like an afterthought. It felt like he was tying a rope around her waist so he could tug her back to him when he needed to.

He could have just supported her in that moment. He didn’t need a ring to say, “This is such a great opportunity! I’m so excited for you. I will make a plan to come see you in DC while you’re training, and then we can figure out the rest once you’re settled. This is amazing! You’re going to rock it.” He didn’t need a ring to say, “I want to make this easy for you. Let’s go look at houses this weekend.”

He didn’t need a ring to say, “I love you, and I’m here for this. No matter what.”

And a lot of this likely stems from sadness about missing out on my own milestone experiences.

My husband proposed to me on a bed with a hockey game on after the pregnancy test was positive.

Him: Well. Will you marry me?

Me: Mhm.

No ring. Later, he gave me his grandmother’s ring on the beach with little to no ceremony, and I remember being thankful it wasn’t gold (it was white gold). Not excited about spending my life with him; thankful a gold ring wouldn’t clash with my skin tone.

Months and months later, after a miscarriage and a move to another state, he told me he wouldn’t have even asked me had I not gotten pregnant. Just…said it like it was a normal thing to say in a conversation. Said he cared for me when I asked if he loved me and then told me maybe I shouldn’t come with him on the next move out of state.

We worked through it. But it was always rocky. We did better as friends than we ever did as lovers, and I don’t miss being married to him.

But watching Castle and Beckett’s relationship unfold - watching Castle treat her the same way I was treated - it’s bringing up a lot of things that I thought I had already healed from.

And I think some of it has been because I’ve been living vicariously through Beckett. Enjoying how badass she is. Enjoying watching how competent and skilled she is. Loving watching her kick ass and be tough but still rock a dress. Show up to work in stilettos, kick down doors, and still be vulnerable and sweet.

Only to then be treated like she was a prize won so he didn’t need to try anymore.

Meh.

Bleh.

Idk. I was told very recently that it was “Just a TV Show” while trying to articulate how it was making me feel, so I’m going to cry about it and then let it go.

Good night to the aether that is tumblr. lol Thanks for listening.

[hereforaspell]

Oh, hi, tumblr.

I miss you.

[hereforaspell]

Nothing quite like hearing your gf screech, “I LICKED IT SO IT’S MINE” in response to a man checking me out. 😳😂😍

[ellohcee]

“It’s a bird feeder, not a dragon feeder!!!”

[hereforaspell]

Love this art. For the record, though…I would never shoo a dragon. Always welcome at my house. ❤️

[hereforaspell]

Today was my birthday. I met my parents for lunch to make my mom happy (I just moved back east, and I’m an only child, so holidays are her’s for awhile), I dropped dessert and a small gift off for the woman I love on my way home (we share a birthday, funnily enough), and then I went home and took care of my pup. I cleaned up a bit, changed, and then I drove myself 35 minutes across town to go ice skating by myself. Afterwards, I swung by Starbucks and enjoyed the warm drink in my hand for the ride home.

I’ve struggled with what this day was going to be since Sunday or Monday. I don’t have friends. There’s no one calling me wanting to take me out or celebrate. No one’s texting me about coming over or visiting or meeting for dinner. And while I’m glad I decided to get divorced, holidays and my birthday are always difficult now that I’m on my own. I never did anything major. But there was still someone there asking what I wanted to do. What kind of cake I wanted. Did I want cake?

And I feel sort of selfish even feeling so bad about being alone today. Like I need to be surrounded by people who are celebrating me. lol

I guess I just feel like….I do so much with other people in mind. I put other people before myself constantly. Sometimes to my own detriment. It’s my default setting at this point. And while that’s my fault more than it is their’s, of course, I just kind of look forward to my birthday because it gives me an excuse to be selfish. I can accept compliments and praise without feeling overly weird about it.

But I shared today. I fit Me in where I could, but it was rarely about me even when it was. I feel stupid even writing that sentence.

Idk. I’m tired of feeling so alone. I know the holidays are a time where that is exacerbated, and I know after the new year rolls around and my schedule gets back to normal, I’ll feel mostly fine again. But right now I feel it, and it’s heavy.

I’m mostly happy. There are details that make me exceedingly unhappy, but when I can ignore some of those things - tilt my head, squint - I’m mostly happy.

Maybe. Idk.

Anyway. Here’s to another year. 🎂

[sirenesims]

i can't exactly describe how i feel, but it's not quite right and it leaves me cold.

F. Scott Fitzgerald

[mazar1n3]

i want to drive around and look at christmas lights with a pretty girl 😡😡

[hereforaspell]

Nothing like sitting beside the woman you love while she’s wearing her girlfriend’s tshirt. Great, wonderful, excellent feeling. Two thumbs up. 10/10, would never recommend.

[extramadness]

[hereforaspell]

Falling for someone always goes from

“I like your face, it’s really nice, and I want to smoosh my face all over your face.”

to

“I’d like to help you do laundry and wash your dishes and clean your house here put your feet up you deserve to sit there like the queen you are, I got this.”

too quickly for me to ever notice the shift.

Things subs say? Idk.

[hereforaspell]

Me, trying to stay ahead of my bad decisions, A Gif.

[hereforaspell]

Second piece in my Yes, Mistress. series. I’m so enjoying creating these. D/s is very special to me. <3

[pixalry]

Frozen II Poster - Created by Bella Grace

You can also follow this artist on Twitter and Instagram.

[hereforaspell]

Beautiful artwork. The color palette along with her fierce expression really make this piece. Love.

[hereforaspell]

Oh, come on... 😒

[hereforaspell]

I'm so bored.

[dictionaryofobscuresorrows]

pâro n. the feeling that no matter what you do is always somehow wrong—as if there’s some obvious way forward that everybody else can see but you, each of them leaning back in their chair and calling out helpfully, “colder, colder, colder…”

Brand new episode of The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows.

[dictionaryofobscuresorrows]

Moment of Tangency: A Glimpse of What Might Have Been

If two lines are truly parallel, it means they’ll never actually meet.

Coming soon from Simon & Schuster: The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows THE BOOK!!!!