Even if He doesn't
It all came crashing in like an unexpected wave.
Things were going so well. Then one afternoon, I took a nap, and when I woke up, something happened that completely shattered my hope.
For a while now, thereâs something Iâve been praying for. Itâs one of the few things in my life that occupies a significant space in my heart. And for a while, what God had been impressing on my heart through devotions, reading His Word, and prayer was this: if anything was going to happen, it would be through His doing, His ways, and His timing.
There was a point when I questioned whether I had really heard Him. Maybe it was just my imagination. Maybe my discernment was clouded by my emotions, and I had convinced myself that God was leading me somewhere through this desire. Maybe I was mistaken.
But again and again, I kept encountering the idea that choosing to believe that God really did speak, and refusing to reduce His leadings to mere human imagination, is also a form of faith. So I did. I kept going with whatever âthisâ was. I held on to the things I kept encountering in my devotionals: that I could trust God, and that when He speaks or promises something, He follows through.
From the start of 2026, I marched into life carrying the belief that God is a promise keeper, that He loves me, and that He is faithful. It fueled my passion to live.
I mean, come on. Of course itâs easy to say God is good and rejoice in Him when everything is going well. When life is bright and sunny, what else can I say but, âThank You, Lord,â right? When Iâm expectant and thinking, âAh, I know one of these days God will give me what Iâm asking for,â of course Iâll be faithful. Because somewhere in the back of my mind, I believe a reward is coming soon. It's easy to be faithful when you know God will come through.
...but what if He doesn't?
I guess, faith built on positive and hopeful things can only take you so far. If itâs never strengthened, it wonât endure. And I think thatâs where I am now. Iâve been a Christian my whole life, but Iâve noticed that every time something negative happens, I tend to turn my back on God. In the analogy of the Shepherd and the flock, I really am the sheep that keeps running away.
Adventures are all fun until you encounter setbacks and hardships. According to Google, valleys are a rich metaphor in the Bible that most commonly represents times of trial, suffering, spiritual warfare, and humility. Unlike mountaintops, which symbolize glory and revelation, valleys are low, difficult, and shadowy spaces where believers are tested, disciplined, and refined.
In my life journey so far, Iâve observed that it is in valleys where I always turn my back on God. It is when I go through times of trial, suffering, and spiritual warfare that my heart becomes bitter, and I conclude that God has abandoned me and therefore He doesnât love me. And thatâs where my downfall begins. I would spend long periods in solitude and separation from God, and after some time, He would always pull me back and remind me how loved I am.
Iâve seen this happen to me three times already, and if I choose to turn away again, it will be the fourth. Iâve had enough of this cycle. I am exhausted. I donât want to keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again.
For context, letâs go back to what I shared earlier. I was tired at that time. Emotionally, physically, and even spiritually. I was in the middle of a season where I was waiting for God to come through, but months kept going by and I saw no change. I had also been exhausted from work, and to top it off, I was sad, lonely, discouraged, and feeling really down.
So I thought, okay, maybe I should take a nap. I believed that even for just a few hours, I could stop carrying all these things in my mind and let God carry them while I slept.
When I woke up, I checked my phone, and there it was. The thing that I held on to, the last piece of connection I had with what I was praying for, was suddenly gone. Deleted. Deactivated. I don't know why or what happened, but it was just... gone. I instantly spiralled. I thought maybe it was my fault. Maybe I shouldn't have initiated anything. Maybe I shouldn't have done anything. Maybe I pushed too far. Or maybe it wasn't about me or connected to me at all. I don't know. All these maybe's and self blame started to pile up.
If before I was waiting in front of a closed door with the hope that maybe God would someday open it, this time, the door disappeared in front of me. All the hope I had been carrying since the day I started praying for this âthingâ shattered in an instant.
Ahh, there it was. Another valley.
To be honest, I didnât respond very well. I panicked. I spent the rest of the day crying, angry, and frozen. I couldnât function. I was overcome with anxiety.
I mean Lorddddd, didnât I just recover from a period of being lost and broken, and now Youâre bringing me to another valley? I thought things were already going well. I thought my faith was already good. Or so I thought lol. Maybe the fact that I even thought my faith was already good says a lot about how much I still needed to be humbled.
Before I went to sleep that night, I prayed and poured out my heart to God again. I cried. I told Him how it felt like the very thing my heart desired was always being taken away from me, and I kept asking why it was so hard to grasp it. I was angry. How come others have it easy, but when it comes to me, the very thing Iâm yearning for is always slipping through my hands? Why is it so hard for me and seems to be so easy for others? How come He said I should trust Him and that I should believe that He is at work, and yet this is the outcome.
And as I was crying, I fell asleep.
The next morning, I was still sad, but I knew I needed to get up. I told God, âLord, I donât understand this at all, but I am choosing to trust You.â So I got up, opened my laptop, and searched for preaching videos on YouTube that could probably speak to me about what I was going through.
Then I saw this:
If you donât want to watch it, the summary is this: in our journeys, there will always be times when we have questions that are hard to answer. And God isnât angry at us for having them. In fact, He welcomes them, and seeking answers will bring us to a deeper understanding of Him.
Habakkuk is the perfect example of this. He was a man of faith, but he also had questions that he had no answers to. In the video, the pastor asked: when you are in a season of your life where you have been asking and asking God for answers, you have been faithful, you have done everything in your power, and yet God hasnât come through, what do you do?
He said you could deny your faith. Just conclude that God was never good, that He tricked you, and that He is not who He says He is. You are actually allowed to do that. You have free will. I have actually done that many times in my life already, and it didnât end well.
Another option is you could deny your questions. You could go on with your life pretending you werenât hurt by these questions and fake your faith. Pretend you are all for rejoicing and praising God while your heart is rotting from all the bitterness youâve harbored. I have done that many times, and it didnât end well either.
I have tried both choices, and I always end up bitter and angry, and then circling back to the truth that God is still good and He still loves me.
And thatâs where the third choice comes in. You donât deny your faith, but you donât deny your questions either. Instead, you do what Habakkuk did. You wrestle with God. You bring every single question to Him and you keep seeking. You hold on, you keep asking, and you donât stop until you find what youâre seeking.
The conclusion of Habakkukâs wrestle with God was that even if he doesn't get what he wanted, he would still rejoice because the Lord was his strength. Even if he doesn't get what he was praying for, God is still God. He is still good. He is still faithful. He is still who He said He was.
Am I in that state of mind yet? Maybe not, but I am wondering how to get there. How can someone still rejoice in the Lord even when they are disappointed, discouraged, or hopeless because God didnât answer their prayer? Or maybe He did, but in a way they didnât expect.
I donât know the answer. I am wrestling with asking God so many hard questions and I havenât gotten all my answers yet, but this time I have decided to hold on. This time, Iâm not turning my back on Him like I always do. I am hurt. I am confused. I am so scared. But I am choosing to hold on this time.
Am I still hoping that God will come through for what Iâm praying for? 100% yes. Thereâs nothing I want more.
But even if He doesnâtâŠ
It hurts to say it, but I will still say it.
Even if He doesnât, this time Iâm not turning away.














