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Even if He doesn't

It all came crashing in like an unexpected wave.

Things were going so well. Then one afternoon, I took a nap, and when I woke up, something happened that completely shattered my hope.

For a while now, there’s something I’ve been praying for. It’s one of the few things in my life that occupies a significant space in my heart. And for a while, what God had been impressing on my heart through devotions, reading His Word, and prayer was this: if anything was going to happen, it would be through His doing, His ways, and His timing.

There was a point when I questioned whether I had really heard Him. Maybe it was just my imagination. Maybe my discernment was clouded by my emotions, and I had convinced myself that God was leading me somewhere through this desire. Maybe I was mistaken.

But again and again, I kept encountering the idea that choosing to believe that God really did speak, and refusing to reduce His leadings to mere human imagination, is also a form of faith. So I did. I kept going with whatever “this” was. I held on to the things I kept encountering in my devotionals: that I could trust God, and that when He speaks or promises something, He follows through.

From the start of 2026, I marched into life carrying the belief that God is a promise keeper, that He loves me, and that He is faithful. It fueled my passion to live.

I mean, come on. Of course it’s easy to say God is good and rejoice in Him when everything is going well. When life is bright and sunny, what else can I say but, “Thank You, Lord,” right? When I’m expectant and thinking, “Ah, I know one of these days God will give me what I’m asking for,” of course I’ll be faithful. Because somewhere in the back of my mind, I believe a reward is coming soon. It's easy to be faithful when you know God will come through.

...but what if He doesn't?

I guess, faith built on positive and hopeful things can only take you so far. If it’s never strengthened, it won’t endure. And I think that’s where I am now. I’ve been a Christian my whole life, but I’ve noticed that every time something negative happens, I tend to turn my back on God. In the analogy of the Shepherd and the flock, I really am the sheep that keeps running away.

Adventures are all fun until you encounter setbacks and hardships. According to Google, valleys are a rich metaphor in the Bible that most commonly represents times of trial, suffering, spiritual warfare, and humility. Unlike mountaintops, which symbolize glory and revelation, valleys are low, difficult, and shadowy spaces where believers are tested, disciplined, and refined.

In my life journey so far, I’ve observed that it is in valleys where I always turn my back on God. It is when I go through times of trial, suffering, and spiritual warfare that my heart becomes bitter, and I conclude that God has abandoned me and therefore He doesn’t love me. And that’s where my downfall begins. I would spend long periods in solitude and separation from God, and after some time, He would always pull me back and remind me how loved I am.

I’ve seen this happen to me three times already, and if I choose to turn away again, it will be the fourth. I’ve had enough of this cycle. I am exhausted. I don’t want to keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again.

For context, let’s go back to what I shared earlier. I was tired at that time. Emotionally, physically, and even spiritually. I was in the middle of a season where I was waiting for God to come through, but months kept going by and I saw no change. I had also been exhausted from work, and to top it off, I was sad, lonely, discouraged, and feeling really down.

So I thought, okay, maybe I should take a nap. I believed that even for just a few hours, I could stop carrying all these things in my mind and let God carry them while I slept.

When I woke up, I checked my phone, and there it was. The thing that I held on to, the last piece of connection I had with what I was praying for, was suddenly gone. Deleted. Deactivated. I don't know why or what happened, but it was just... gone. I instantly spiralled. I thought maybe it was my fault. Maybe I shouldn't have initiated anything. Maybe I shouldn't have done anything. Maybe I pushed too far. Or maybe it wasn't about me or connected to me at all. I don't know. All these maybe's and self blame started to pile up.

If before I was waiting in front of a closed door with the hope that maybe God would someday open it, this time, the door disappeared in front of me. All the hope I had been carrying since the day I started praying for this “thing” shattered in an instant.

Ahh, there it was. Another valley.

To be honest, I didn’t respond very well. I panicked. I spent the rest of the day crying, angry, and frozen. I couldn’t function. I was overcome with anxiety.

I mean Lorddddd, didn’t I just recover from a period of being lost and broken, and now You’re bringing me to another valley? I thought things were already going well. I thought my faith was already good. Or so I thought lol. Maybe the fact that I even thought my faith was already good says a lot about how much I still needed to be humbled.

Before I went to sleep that night, I prayed and poured out my heart to God again. I cried. I told Him how it felt like the very thing my heart desired was always being taken away from me, and I kept asking why it was so hard to grasp it. I was angry. How come others have it easy, but when it comes to me, the very thing I’m yearning for is always slipping through my hands? Why is it so hard for me and seems to be so easy for others? How come He said I should trust Him and that I should believe that He is at work, and yet this is the outcome.

And as I was crying, I fell asleep.

The next morning, I was still sad, but I knew I needed to get up. I told God, “Lord, I don’t understand this at all, but I am choosing to trust You.” So I got up, opened my laptop, and searched for preaching videos on YouTube that could probably speak to me about what I was going through.

Then I saw this:

If you don’t want to watch it, the summary is this: in our journeys, there will always be times when we have questions that are hard to answer. And God isn’t angry at us for having them. In fact, He welcomes them, and seeking answers will bring us to a deeper understanding of Him.

Habakkuk is the perfect example of this. He was a man of faith, but he also had questions that he had no answers to. In the video, the pastor asked: when you are in a season of your life where you have been asking and asking God for answers, you have been faithful, you have done everything in your power, and yet God hasn’t come through, what do you do?

He said you could deny your faith. Just conclude that God was never good, that He tricked you, and that He is not who He says He is. You are actually allowed to do that. You have free will. I have actually done that many times in my life already, and it didn’t end well.

Another option is you could deny your questions. You could go on with your life pretending you weren’t hurt by these questions and fake your faith. Pretend you are all for rejoicing and praising God while your heart is rotting from all the bitterness you’ve harbored. I have done that many times, and it didn’t end well either.

I have tried both choices, and I always end up bitter and angry, and then circling back to the truth that God is still good and He still loves me.

And that’s where the third choice comes in. You don’t deny your faith, but you don’t deny your questions either. Instead, you do what Habakkuk did. You wrestle with God. You bring every single question to Him and you keep seeking. You hold on, you keep asking, and you don’t stop until you find what you’re seeking.

The conclusion of Habakkuk’s wrestle with God was that even if he doesn't get what he wanted, he would still rejoice because the Lord was his strength. Even if he doesn't get what he was praying for, God is still God. He is still good. He is still faithful. He is still who He said He was.

Am I in that state of mind yet? Maybe not, but I am wondering how to get there. How can someone still rejoice in the Lord even when they are disappointed, discouraged, or hopeless because God didn’t answer their prayer? Or maybe He did, but in a way they didn’t expect.

I don’t know the answer. I am wrestling with asking God so many hard questions and I haven’t gotten all my answers yet, but this time I have decided to hold on. This time, I’m not turning my back on Him like I always do. I am hurt. I am confused. I am so scared. But I am choosing to hold on this time.

Am I still hoping that God will come through for what I’m praying for? 100% yes. There’s nothing I want more.

But even if He doesn’t…

It hurts to say it, but I will still say it.

Even if He doesn’t, this time I’m not turning away.

I must have gone crazy

I hid all of these feelings for 8 years and I feel like my heart's going to explode if I don't let this truth sit somewhere so I'll put this here. I hid for almost 8 years thinking I could run away from what I feel but I don't care anymore. I dont care. I dont care what anyone thinks. This is my truth and I feel like it deserves to exist.

There’s this stubborn thought I’ve had since I was young, and I’ve been trying to prove whether it’s real or not as the years of my life pass by.

I’ve always wondered if it’s possible for someone to love another person so strongly that it doesn’t matter what happens, you love them, and that’s it.

Honestly, I don’t see myself as someone who is emotionally intelligent or some kind of love expert. My choices have often led to my heart breaking, and I haven’t always been the smartest person when it comes to love. So I’m not even sure if my thoughts about it make sense.

But okay, hear me out.

When you love someone, it’s them you want to be with, right? No matter what. So even if difficulties come, circumstances change, or for whatever reason it becomes hard to be with them, you still choose to stay.

In a perfect world, that’s how true love should be.

But of course, when we’re young, we meet several people and enter several relationships that we mistake as true love. For a while we live out this concept, that this person is the one. But when you break up, both people move on and eventually forget that that person was once the one they wanted to be with.

You move on because that’s the logical thing to do. You wait for the next person you feel a spark with, and you try again.

It’s almost like jumping from one person to another, because ultimately the goal, as they say, is to get married, have a house and kids, and build a family.

And that whole idea has always been a pressing question in my mind.

Are we really just supposed to jump from one person to another with the goal of eventually finding someone who also wants to get married, have a house and kids, and build a family?

Like, it could be anyone. As long as the goal is the same.

I’m not against that idea. I understand why people do it. But I keep thinking about the difference between wanting to be with the person you love versus getting married simply for the sake of settling down and not ending up alone.

Like, okay, let’s take me as an example.

I’ve met people before who I thought fit that concept of love I had in my head. But eventually, as things unfolded and as time passed, it turned out they weren’t the person I wanted to be with no matter what.

Like, of course as an individual, I grew up thinking that the end goal is to find someone to settle down with, or else I’ll end up lonely. But at the back of my mind, I always wondered about those love songs with lyrics like “If it’s not you it’s not anyone” or this Tagalog song that goes “Kahit matapos ang magpakailan pa man, ako’y maghihintay.”, which basically translates to, “Even if forever comes to an end, I will still wait.”

It’s like the hearts singing those songs are saying, “It’s you I want to be with, and no one else will do.”

So they don’t go looking for the next candidate just to fulfill the goal of settling down, right? Because as the lyrics say, it can’t be anyone else.

And that’s currently the dilemma I’m in.

I’m at a marrying age now, and sometimes I do worry. Of course thoughts like “If you don’t find someone soon, you’ll grow old alone” come to me. I’m not immune to that fear.

But at the same time, there is someone I love that, for some reason, I can’t be with right now. Maybe not yet. Maybe I missed my chance a long time ago. I honestly don’t know. I haven’t completely lost hope yet. That part I leave up to God. But that’s not really the point, and that is for another story.

The point is that I’ve reached this strange place where I ask myself, what is the right thing to do, really?

Am I supposed to just move on and start looking for the next possible candidate who can fulfill the life goal of having a house and kids so I won’t grow old alone? I can already hear the voices in my head saying, “You’re getting older. If you keep this up, you'll definitely grow old alone.”

And sometimes, yeah, that thought is scary. But not scary enough for me to settle down just for the sake of it.

Because the truth I know in my heart is simple. This is the person I want to be with. And if it doesn’t work out, then I don’t want to settle down with someone else just to check a box in life while my heart is somewhere else, because what’s the point of that right?

If I ever settle down, I want it to be with the person I love. "If it’s not you, it’s not anyone." I can’t even bring myself to be interested in anyone else, because every other conversation just feels empty. Not because those people are lacking, but because my heart already knows where it wants to go. I did try, you know. I tried loving others. But my heart keeps coming back to the same person even after all these years. Beyond logic, beyond reason, beyond our differences, my heart keeps choosing the same person over and over again. I really must have gone crazy.

And maybe that’s the part I used to be afraid to admit, but not anymore.

I used to think I shouldn’t be too honest about this, because it might scare potential partners away. They might think I’m too attached to someone who is not here. That my doors are closed. And maybe they are.

But maybe that’s also the most honest place I can stand in right now.

I don’t know how this story ends yet. Again, I am not a very smart person. My decisions aren't always the best, but maybe I'll find out soon. Maybe life will change. Maybe circumstances will surprise me.

Maybe I'm being naive, stubborn, or even stupid. I don’t know. But right now, after 8 years of running away and denying what I truly feel but still carrying it after all this time has passed, nothing else makes sense to me anymore except this: This is the person I want to be with and that's it.

I must have gone crazy

JEANETTE: "Ted, listen to me. You're being crazy. How long have you been hung up on Robin? 8 years? And you're still killing yourself to fetch dumb little trinkets for her. That's crazy. That's more than crazy. I don't think there's a word for what that is!" TED: "Actually, there is a word for that. It’s love. I’m in love with her, okay? If you’re looking for the word that means caring about someone beyond all rationality and wanting them to have everything they want no matter how much it destroys you, it’s love. And when you love someone you just, you…you don’t stop, ever. Even when people roll their eyes, and call you crazy. Even then. Especially then. You just– you don’t give up. Because if I could just give up…if I could just, you know, take the whole world’s advice and– and move on and find someone else, that wouldn’t be love. That would be… that would be some other disposable thing that is not worth fighting for. But I– that is not what this is."

This is not what this is.

Yes... but they're not you.

"The crucial step in being transformed is learning to let yourself be loved."

There's someone I liked before (and I still do even up to now), that I think slipped through my hands because I couldn't be brave enough to face how I felt and be honest about it. I'm only realizing it now but I must have given so many thoughtless lies which I thought were harmless back then.

I used to think that I didn't do anything wrong, but maybe the biggest mistake I did was to hide and lie. Not because I didn't care, but because I wasn't ready to stand up for my own truth. I mean, how could I, when I was too weak to even stand up for myself and be by myself.

I messed it up. If only I would get the chance to make things right, I would. There's nothing I want more than to go back in time and fix that mess. If only I had been brave enough to be honest.

Well, it's been 7 years. Almost 8 now since it's 2026.

I'm not the same person. A lot has happened in 7-8 years that really shaped who I am today. I've made peace with who I am. And that regret from 7-8 years ago is the very reason why I've decided to live my life truthfully and unapologetically. My truths are my truths whether people stand by me or not. I now stand by them even if it's just me. I am now brave enough to be who I am, to like what I like, to love who I love.

I just wish it's not too late. Because I swear, if destiny gives me another chance to redo 2018, I'd be upfront and honest instead of hiding behind lies.

I know this doesn't change anything, but at least, in a small way, I have this truth out here.

it's the last day of the year and it's still you

and i'm afraid it's always going to be you

#Youtube

I want to live

This scene from Terrace House really stirred something in my heart. It's a conversation between Han-san and Arman. To give a bit of context, when Arman arrived in Tokyo, he said he wasn't sure what his life goal was. He had a dream to be a firefighter but it didn't seem like he was passionate enough about it. During the show he did try a lot of different things that are not related to being a firefighter, but during those times, he did seem genuinely happy. So now, fast forward to their conversation, Han-san had some sort of realization that maybe it wasn't a title Arman was aiming for. Maybe his true calling wasn't to be Arman the Firefighter, but to stay true to himself and be happy, because it affected others in a special way that he probably didn't notice.

I've been thinking about something similar for quite a while. Everybody has their own dreams right? And I know it's different for everyone, but we all have something that we sort of aim for. Lately, I've been thinking about what my life goal is. If you think about it, it's a bit strange that at 34, I still don't have a concrete plan for my life. Most people my age are already married, have kids, have their own businesses, or maybe they've already achieved that childhood dream they had. Me? I'm just... me. lol. Based on the world's standards, I think I am failing as an adult haha. I am 34 but I'm not married, I'm not even in a relationship and I don't believe in dating around. I do have a job that I enjoy, but I can't really compare it to climbing the corporate ladder. I still love making art but I can't say that I've done something grand with it. In short, I am not an established adult.

But, am I happy? I think compared to the past years, I can honestly say that now, I am my happiest self. This is the version of me that I love the most because I think this is my truest self. I'm no longer afraid to face my own heart, my weaknesses, my strengths, and most especially my own value. I don't look down on myself anymore because I'm now best buddies with my inner child. I am pursuing the things I used to love without thinking too much if I will be judged or not. I don't care too much about my reputation or what other people think of me anymore. I am at my own pace and I am totally fine with that.

Going back to Han-san and Arman's conversation, I think I am the same. I just realized, maybe it's not a title I'm after, but happiness. Maybe my dream is not as grand as what others have and that's okay.

One of my favourite songs is "I lived" by One Republic, and there's this line that says "with every broken bone, I swear, I lived". I love that it says "with every broken bone", because it's looking at life realistically. It's knowing that life will suck, your heart will be broken, sometimes literally, your bones will break, but despite it all, you live. You keep living. And you don't live in such a way that you're just sleepwalking through life. You face life head on, no matter how difficult it is. You really live.

And I think that's it. That's my dream. I already realized this like several years ago, but at that time it was tied with too many factors that I think I overcomplicated it. Now it's pretty clear in my head. My dream is this: At the end of my life, I want to be able to say that I truly lived. And that's also what I want to share with people I encounter, so they too, will keep living. It's the kind of dream I want to pass on to my children if I will be blessed to have them. They don't have to be engineers, or doctors, or lawyers, or whatever. Instead, I want them to share the same desire I have. To live and be happy.

Do I still have desires or aspirations? Of course I do, but the reason behind them has changed.

I still want to work and I try my best to be excellent in what I do, but only because it makes me happy when I finish tasks. Also, we live in a world run by money haha you will need finances whether you like it or not, so might as well work hard right.

I still want to continue making art, but now it's only because drawing and expressing myself through my artworks excites my heart. I no longer aim to have many followers or be famous. I just want to draw.

I still want to get married and have my own family, but now it's not because I need to, or because I'm worried about time running out for me. I still believe in true love. In a world where it's so easy to just date whoever comes your way, especially with all the dating apps, I know true love still exists. I know the kind of heart that beats for you and only you is out there and I know it's worth waiting for.

So, at 34, my dream is not to be rich or be successful or be famous. My dream is to live and be happy. How? I'm not sure yet, but I guess I have my whole life to figure it out. :)

#Youtube

4:36AM

I don't know what else to do.

Seven years later it's still you.

My heart keeps gravitating back to you and only you.

Lately I have been finding myself very anxious.

Well actually, I have always been anxious lol, just in different intensities. For as long as I can remember, my constant state has always been anxious. And if I’m not careful, it’s so easy for me to spiral and be overcome by my worries until I end up frozen. Like I can’t move.

I think it usually happens when:

There’s an event in my life that’s scary for me, like major changes, first times, or confrontations.

There’s an actual threat to my physical, emotional, or even mental safety, or to someone I care about.

When I get these very intense realizations about something, but my reality doesn’t align with it, or at least not yet.

When I really, really, really reaaaalllyyy want something but I’m unsure how to make it happen.

When I am waiting for anything. A response, a confirmation, an answered prayer, assurance, anything at all.

Or simply when I am tired. I think I am most anxious when I’m tired.

Of all those factors, my current trigger is waiting. I am praying for something to happen. Just to give a short recap, there’s something that I prayed about in 2018, and I think the answer that got impressed in my heart was to wait, because some things needed to happen first, then victory would come from God when His glory is revealed.

But of course, it’s not like God spoke to me directly, like a message sent to my inbox with those exact words lol.

It was just an impression in my heart. Who knows, maybe I’m wrong, maybe I’m right. But because everything was a blur, my patience didn’t last long. Not only was I overcome by anxiety, I completely turned away from that path, wherever that prayer was leading me. I also turned away from God. I made so many horrendous mistakes along the way. But now, I am back to that path, and also back to God. It’s like I just circled back.

I prayed about it again, around September 11 to be exact lol, and what I keep reading about is how God is sovereign over every single detail of my life, and that He is coming in power, bringing the reward with Him.

In other words, I think the “answer” to whatever it is I’m praying for will be, is only going to happen through Him, and not because of me or any of my efforts. All I need to do this time was to trust Him completely. The purpose of this journey, or this waiting season, is for me to get to know who I’m trusting and learn to stop trying to take control.

Here we are again. At first glance, of course, all these are just impressions. Who can really tell if it’s God’s leading or maybe I’m being mistaken? But at the end of the day, whatever God said will be what it's meant to be, and it’s up to me if I want to believe it or dismiss it.

This time, I’ve decided to believe it. I’ve decided to keep believing that God is indeed sovereign over every single detail of my life, and that He cares about me and the people I love. I’ve decided to stay on track and see it through.

If at the end of this path what I’m praying for comes true, then I’ll know it’s from God. If not, I’m sure I’ll learn something valuable.

But here’s the thing, I wasn’t expecting that the decision to believe and anticipate how God will move comes with so much anxiety too. I thought that if I stayed close to God, I’d be worry-free. But I am as worried as ever. I find myself constantly checking for proof that God is moving.

“Has it happened yet?”

“Is there any progress?”

“What if [insert worry here] happens?”

And soon enough, because my heart is very prone to wander, these harmless inquiries become bitter questions.

“Why hasn’t it happened yet?”

“Why is there no progress?”

“How long is this going to take?”

"I thought God said this, then why is [insert worry here] happening?"

And I spiral again. I’m back to where I started, knocked down as if there’s no God sovereign over every little detail of my life. I know there is. I know He’s there. I know He cares. But it is so, so hard for me to stay faithful, as in, full of faith.

I asked myself, “Is there hope for me still? I thought Christians are supposed to be free from anxiety. Why am I still like this?”

But after a few days, after reading through God’s word some more, I finally realized that maybe I have to accept the fact that I am just human. My heart really is prone to worry. I am an anxious girl after all, and maybe I always will be. But what’s different now is when I hold on to God’s word tighter, anxiety starts to lose its power over me.

Of course it doesn’t go away completely, and I think it never will. But it becomes less and less crippling the more I stay close to God.

My favorite line from this song is:

“Your word remains true even when my mind wreaks havoc.”

Because it describes my mind so accurately. It’s prone to wreak havoc on its own. I know I can appear all bright and sunny on the outside, but if you could enter my mind, it would be thunderstorms, strong ocean waves, earthquakes, that sort of chaos.

But when God stands in the center, everything quiets down.

He is faithful. He is true. He is sovereign. He is endlessly good. And most importantly, He loves us unconditionally. He will constantly be who He is, whether I believe it or not, whether I choose to let Him be the center of my chaotic mind or not.

And maybe that’s the point. Maybe this whole journey isn’t about me never being anxious ever again, but about learning to keep coming back to Him every time I am.

#anxiety #worry

"Ever hear of chaos theory, Ed? It's a science, tries to determine underlying patterns in chaotic systems. Weather, ocean currents, blood flow, that sort of thing. But it turns out that there are few things more chaotic than the beat of a human heart. Its beating up, slowing down. Pretty face, flight of stairs. It's always changing depending on what's happening out there. It's an erratic son of a bitch. But underneath all of that bump-da-bump mess, there is in fact a pattern, the truth, and it's love. Most important thing about love is that we choose to give it, and we choose to receive it. Making it the least random act in the entire universe. It transcends blood, it transcends betrayal and all the dirt that makes us human." — Frank Allen (Chaos Theory)

I think also that when love is true, it transcends time, distance, and separation too. It transcends reasons, fears, regret. It transcends everything else because the heart only knows one thing: "I love you and you are the one I want to be with for the rest of my life". This is what my dad told me about what true love is supposed to look like. Everyone will have their own set of dirt, baggage, regrets, dark secrets. Things that make us human.

But when you love someone, you ask yourself this very important question: "Do I want to spend the rest of my life with this person?" and if the answer is yes, no matter what, despite whatever reason you can think of, the answer is a loud resounding yes, and his or her answer is the same, then that must be it.

Maybe love is as simple as that.