What was I listening to while writing this? 13.0.0.0.0 by TTNG.
Someone I abhor greatly messaged me yesterday and told me that they enjoyed mint choc chip ice cream.
I couldn’t disagree with that, because even though this person is the antithesis of all that is good in the world, their opinions on ice cream were just an opinion, and let’s face it. Mint choc chip is seriously a good time. I had half a mind to talk about opinion vs fact in the opening balestra, but ultimately who would want to hear my opinions on any matter. Instead I decided to write a little bit about a time I had some bloody good ice cream, please bear with me for I promise this does have something to do with the honey.
So there I was, in Southern France, the sun was rather excited to be there, unlike myself. This was a time when I was much less enthusiastic about being outside, and didn’t appreciate the glorious weather, the stunning architecture of La Rochelle, and the lovely people. I forget exactly which seaside location I was in but I do remember the sound of waves and the screams of the people filling the air, a loss of a sandcastle here and a wet sock there.
The decision had been made, ice cream for the unit we were travelling in. We found one of those little shops, the ones you pass and think “how does something this quaint survive next to the monoliths of industry?” It seemed friendly, the owner had a smile that showed no sign of despair and why would he when he had dominion over the dairy products. A huge array of flavours and experiences were available to choose from, but one combination stood out to me beyond all else.
Nutella and Banana.
As soon as it went into my mouth I knew my path had changed, I was no longer headed for ruin and damnation, but anything I do henceforth was blessed by this one experience. The balance and composure was a force to be reckoned with. The Nutella complimented the banana and vice versa, every mouthful was harmony. I have never been filled with something so creamy and thick before and never will again. If this is the pinnacle how can anything compete, and would that not leave me constantly on a search for something better, but no. This was enlightenment. That little ice cream shop offering ecstasy in spherical form was in fact Shangri-La.
The rest of the day was filled with riches and wonders, everything was bright and beautiful. I would need to find a dictionary to describe it any further. I would usually want to go home, but in that moment, I was home.
That day was something frozen in time and memory, the golden leaves of autumn still in the mind. The details fade as my trust in time disappears but in the main points, I am resolute.
Earlier I said that this had something to do with the honey, I lied. This story has nothing to do with honey, although it could be said neither does this honey, or I might have just been spoiled recently with the nectar of the gods.
Let’s just jump straight in and talk about the packaging, as is usually done first, you see it first and that is where the first judgement is made. It might be more accurate here to correct made to mad. I, personally, do not find any of this packaging interesting or joyful, it’s cold and corporate. The orange blotches they expect me to believe are bees look far removed from the friendly loving creature handed down through the aeons to gift us the honey. Something that miffs me greatly is the placement of the weight of the jar under the name, it’s far too close and is cluttered, not to mention if you take a short mosey further along the label, it tells you once again the weight, although judging from recent public decisions, that might be required.
This was only a cheeky pound, which is about what I would expect to be paying for this size pot in the budget honey section. No complaints can be made with the price tag. What does make me want to see the manager though was the experience I had when I opened it. I made sure to have it standing upright for a suitable amount of time before opening the jar for the first time, but even then, the contents had managed to stay on the lid of the jar until the very moment I took it off, leaving me with a disaster on my hands, literally. When your first experience with a jar of honey is diving into the stream of water nearest you to remove the product you have paid for from your skin and such, you know that no love was given to this product. In fact, when spooning this runny disaster out and trying to get it closer to my mouth hole, more was lost to the abyss of the side of the jar or table. So far, for the tag of being a Savers item, it was not saving my emotional wellbeing.
To look at the actual contents of the jar, the honey is unnaturally runny, to the point of it being rather concerning. The colour reminds me of clear apple juice, and I am not talking Copella, as their juice is a tongue journey. This colour just speaks of ill will. This honey has a good amount of bubbles at the top, which does make for a nice photograph but that is about all of the joy I got out of those.
Time for the great spooning, and let me tell you, I have a small spoon with me for this jar. I put it in the honey and it sunk so quickly by the time I looked back I had lost what I recognised as spoon and it had been replaced with a honey covered disaster, I once again would have to clean up after this honey, but alas I am strong. I put it in my mouth. The first note leaves much to be desired from this honey, an introduction to an essay that doesn’t stimulate you to want to go further, but alas you have to. Immediately though the first paragraph of this honey has something to say, it’s punchy, it leads you by your hand through the forest, but just before you get anywhere, it disappears. The metallic tang we all know and fear so very much is what is left over, you hear the screeching of birds as they all fly from their roosts in the trees. You don’t know what is coming but it brings fear into the heart of the avian. The clunking gets louder, the screams grow more urgent, you start to panic, but something takes you by the hand. A citrus burst, a hint of lime and love, not enough to remove the fear completely, but enough to know you can make it out alive, if you run now, and run fast. This mouth experience lasts for a very long time compared to some of the other budget honeys I have tasted. It felt more of a half marathon than a sprint. I never did find out what was in that forest that day, but it punctuates my nightmares still.
The Taste: A long build up, the wailing of guitars, the incessant beat of the drum, the promise of a crescendo, and then, the band just walks off stage/10
The Packaging: I don’t really have anything funny to say here, I just can’t believe someone thought the design was pleasant/10
The Colour: The orchards bleed, the apple falls, we are given such disgrace from an earth so pure/10
Overall: If you have me on snapchat, I poured this entire jar of honey over my hand to notify people it was coming soon, and that, I honestly felt was a better use of the honey than ingesting it/10
So I am sitting here drinking a coffee, it’s an instant blend, black. Mediocre through and through. It has got me thinking about a question I was asked fairly recently.
“What is your favourite colour?”
I, by reflex, gave the response I have been giving most of my life.
“Red, a dark one, approaching a burgundy, but with more vivacity.”
On reflection I don’t think this is accurate anymore, I struggle to find a reason why that specific shade of red is my favourite among all the colours, and I feel that a swift orderly change is necessary.
I propose, black. I am a huge fan of the achromatic colours overall, a vast majority of my wardrobe is made up of these as I find neutrals in my life a preference. Black is an absence or utter absorption of light and is represented by #000000. I find both of these reasons attractive enough to fall madly in love with this dark and secretive colour. However due to the intensity of this colour I think a juxtaposition with white is required, so maybe it would be more fair to say my favourite colour is black and white. We need to have a darkness and then something to dissipate it to remain balanced and composed. But black is already a colour of great diversity, we treat it as a colour associated with death and angst, and also a colour or sophistication, for instance a black tie event is going to be requiring of table manners and elegance. White is often about perfection and purity, but can be cold and empty at the same time. If we put the two together to form a balance maybe, just maybe, we can find perfection in a cold and harsh world.
Steens appear to have made use of this, with their label design being made up of the blacks,whites, and greys that appeal so much to one such as I, contrasted with a punchy red for the important information. My first impressions of this packaging was busy and an almost overwhelming amount of information but as I become more friendly with it I see the simplicity within the traffic, a calm beyond the raging of our everyday existence full of work and haste.
This honey does not mess around in any way, it’s Manuka honey and is meant to have medicinal properties. I will not be speaking on that topic as I do not have enough knowledge to impart on people who just are here to be lightly amused by vaguely comical honey reviews. However, this bad boy is a better than decent Manuka, and costs roughly 23 pounds depending on where you source it.
I must admit that this jar has already been tampered with and this one is not a first impression like my other journeys through honey/space/time. I can only offer my deepest apologies that I was not strong enough to wait for you before diving into the delight.
The first think however, that hits me when I open up Pandora’s honey pot, is the smell. It doesn’t smell like regular honey, it smells clean, with a punchy feeling to boot. I would let it punch me over and over.
This honey is thick, not like the majority of the population in the United Kingdom or America, but like a thick liquid. As I am sure that you are all aware, some honey comes pre-packaged with the fear of spillage, the fear of having to make a trip to a sink to remove the uncomfortable feeling left by the goop (actual scientific term). This honey doesn’t suffer from that, in fact it can be quite an exciting time to have to remove it from a spoon. I have been having more fun with the consistency of this honey than most people have with marmalade.
The colour of the honey is also something that isn’t seen in other bee products, it’s a dark orange, approaching a gold. It reminds me of the time I dreamt that the queen, played by yours truly, had complete access to the colour of lavender and the widespread panic I could cause amongst the aging population of the first world with a change from lavender to a violent lime green. Why does it remind me of this dream you ask? The colour of this honey is royalty honey-ified (also a scientific term).
Taste is always the most important thing however, and it is time to give my opinions on the matter. Let’s go.
The first thing I notice is the mouthfeel, it’s got a grainy texture to it, not unpleasant by any means, but certainly something unseen in the usual honey that I enjoy. I can see myself getting used to it as I believe it gives something else to the experience.
The taste however, is what really sets this apart, it opens with a winter morn, the purity and crispness of the air is apparent straight away, and it leaves the pallet wide open to receive the second coming. The second act brings a height of orange and other citrus, it smears this citrus all down my existence and is unapologetic in that approach, I welcome this treatment, I want to feel the quality of this product, and boy do I when the third act truly takes hold. There is a final and triumphant journey into a land filled with chocolaty desires, and I am not talking Cadbury’s. I am talking Lindt.
This honey has power and dominance; it is wise to treat this with the utmost respect.
The Taste: A childhood dream of a land of promise, all delivered without question, a visitation of greatness/10
The Packaging: A busy and bustling café, as you look for your friend in the crowd, are they already here? Are they yet to arrive? It matters not because there is comfort in a crowd/10
The Colour: Peace among the land, as a royal decree is launched to put an end to the terror of the night/10
Overall: A perfect slice of time with a person you love, intimate and gentle, it’s joy just to be in their company for any amount of time that you’re allowed/10
Can we ever truly know another person? Even if we spend years and years sharing the ups and downs of their life, from death to birth, from love to finding out the truth about the film How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2000). Maybe as a friend, maybe as a lover, we share this time and life with them and still they find ways to surprise you with actions and comments. What do you do when something occurs in their life that you so desperately want to help them yet you aren’t them so all you can be is a shoulder to cry on. When dark skies come all you can be is a lighthouse to guide them past rocks at best, and if the captain chooses to close their eyes and take a guess they still can be found swimming. All you can do for the drowned is to mourn them and celebrate all the good they radiated through life, even if they were unaware of the impact they have on eithers. They can be as stunning and vibrant as the hanging gardens of Babylon but they only see themselves as Rome after the fall.
It’s a wonderful world that can bring such despair on someone so fair, someone who tries, and tries, and tries to do their best and is met with challenge throughout. Maybe they direct this fury the world throws at them towards themselves and that’s what causes the sudden unknowns. We can just carry on with hope that they will find an output and show themselves what others see in them.
This leads me to ask, can we ever truly know honey? This I don’t think I should be the one to answer, it would be heresy for me to say I am anything more than an appreciator of the bee juice. So what honey have I been blessed with today? An acacia with cut comb inside by Hilltop Honey. This is a £7.50 jar, far beyond what I do normally, but I have been gifted by my birth giver for Christmas this little jar and another one which is a surprise for another day.
The packaging on this jar is absolutely delightful, the hexagonal jar (reflective of the honeycomb contained within), is decorated with minimal black lines that displays only the truth, name and picture and brand. My minimalist senses are tingling. This packaging is my lighthouse and I choose to follow it to the dock. When I get to the dock I see the innards of the operation, the titular honeycomb.
I don’t normally have honey this decadent, so I became excited by seeing through the packaging and finding the inviting yellows and light oranges that run through the jar. This is capitalized on by the solid chunk of honeycomb, waxy and thick giving the jar a defining feature, and one that can impress.
I did what is the only conceivable next action and put my hands around the neck and revealed the innards. I was greeted by the delightfully thick and clear honey with a sunken ship inside. Happy little fragments of the comb danced within the honey proper, and add a little extra spice to what would otherwise be just a very nice honey. This honey also leaves very little residue on the cap. I am nothing but pleased by my experience up to this point. It was time to invite it into my mouth and give it a real examination.
I think it’s only fair to divide the mouth experience between the clear honey and the honeycomb, as they represent two distinct parts of a whole. The clear honey is runny yet thick, it has the parts of the honeycomb within it. I am met with a chewy liquid, a delightful liquid. The taste starts with a delicate summer breeze, it dances lightly on the tongue and asks for nothing more than your hand to lead you through the steps. Shortly after you have learnt the Bolero with this honey, you are invited to the ball, a second act. One of privilege and flowery aroma, it teases the senses and gives you hope where before you would have been given a whack round the back of the head with a metal instrument. The honeycomb tastes the same, but is delivered through the medium of the waxy hexagons. Some people might bee put off by this but not me, and they are missing out if they are, because the texture gives way to purpose. When the honey invites you to the ball, the air pungent with all sorts of flora, you need a dress. That is what the comb gives you. Without it you are naked in a room of lovers.
The Taste: A walk through the gardens, so bright and filled with hope. A promise of better days to come when before, despair/10
The Packaging: Strong and delightful black lines, simple in execution and style, but they hide a beauty unknown/10
The Colour: A hoard of gold to be taken, the dragon long since deceased/10
Overall: The ball is winding to a close, the evening of delight and passion is winding down, the golden hour is here and all is well within your cosmos/10
Shout-out to Alicia, as pure and sweet as this honey.
Well, well, it looks a lot like the day for awkward family reunions, withheld bitterness, cranberry sauce, and other such joys for the festive period. We sit on the precipice of a new year, filled with unknowns and questions. Who will keep their resolutions? Will we see a resurgence of the Bee Gees as they catapult their way into our hearts once more? Or will we find true love? Who knows, everything is up in the air just like always but this time we have a tangible marker to hold onto in our darkest hour. For me personally I have a lot of hopes for twenty seventeen, I hope to find purpose. It’s very easy to just give up and say “Please come and take me home”, but I refuse to acknowledge that as an option when I could power on through the sleet and snow until I find respite in whatever form it appears. Will it be a homely lodge in the woods, where Sarah invites me in and sits me at the table as I awkwardly stare at my shoes and ration breath, where she sits down opposite and offers me a bag of peanuts, the branding a radiant gold, contrasting against the frigid surroundings. Comfort will wash over me with this small gesture of kindness and we will talk, we will find similarities and differences and those will all be beautiful and timeless. Everything will feel okay for once. Anyway, honey.
Today, I have the absolute pleasure of being able to sample Heritage Pure Clear Honey. This little 227g pot of honey comes out at around £1.35, which for a budget honey of such small size is an ambitious price and would hopefully be reflected in an ambitious product. This does make the jar’s real estate for design a lot less than most of the honey I fondle.
The packaging here I do not find disappointing in the slightest, in fact I find it pleasurable to lay my gaze on, the typography is simple and clear, there isn’t any unnecessary designs and the calorific content is large and easy to see. The font choice for the name of the honey is artistic yet readable and compliments the heart symbol. This packaging most of all feels friendly to the user, and that is all I can ask for when I enjoy a honey delight.
I popped open the lid to this friendly jar and when I say popped, I do mean it. There was a pleasant and inviting sound that reminded me of better days when I used to hunt bears in the woods and listened for the pop of a tree branch so I could locate them in the wilderness. I could already smell the berries and sap. The aroma hit me from this honey, it was not like other honeys, it had an edge, a slight tang, not a pleasant one, one a little like a damp sock. We have a 2:1 good bad ratio so far. I was prepared to forgive it.
Quickly we slid further from the light, as I frolicked in the honey I noticed the way it rushed down the edge of the jar and all over the ground and surrounding scenery. I was a hot sticky mess and I had not even tasted it, I was being disappointed by the way it slid and slipped everywhere yet remained a substance that makes superglue look useless.
It offers a dark and foreboding colour, a storm to come, a ship to be wrecked on the rocks. It looks like the night, a night of crooked dealings and malicious intent. No prayers will be heard by this, it already has taken too much and only serves to take you a little farther away from me.
My first favour experience was a citrus rush, it entered the home of my mouth and made itself a guest, I welcomed it due to the way it spoke to me and its offerings of doing the washing up, a very agreeable deal. However, this was no long lasting truce, it invited a friend over, this friend sets the sun on who my citrus friend used to be, completely erasing that youthful boy. It tastes like a memory of honey, a faintly removed image of what used to be, an overgrowth of what is known to us kindly beings. As the sun sets on the flavour the metallic ring comes out for a final betrayal on the senses. This isn’t the worst honey I have ever put in my mouth by far, the thing that separates this from the other poor quality honeys is the flagrant disregard for the feelings of the consumer, you are lulled into a joyous and expensive experience, and are left on the rocks. It even has the audacity to leave you with the aftertaste that coats your mouth with memories of the assault.
The Taste: An unapologetic entry into the haven of my life, bringing despair closer than ever to my very core, without explanation/10
The Packaging: A delightfully simple friendly day on the beach where the sky is clear and life is good/10
The Colour: A sinister invitation to the ball by a count with a bad reputation that isn’t just talk/10
Overall: Mania strikes the masses, the crowd disperse with startling force, knocking over dozens in their wake, the media are called in to report on the disaster, but nothing can truly capture the magnitude of the disaster/10
Shout-out to my boy Jack Bates, from the Somerton Rounders society for introducing me to this honey. What a lad.
Also shout-out to Alicia for being top.
I know that we as a people have had an incredibly tough weekend, we have lost so much and gained so little in return. I think we have to acknowledge that what we put in may not always be what we get out and move on, but be mindful and ensure that we do not lose too much of ourselves in the process, for, if we lose ourselves then what do we have left? The tragedy took us by surprise and we must never fall prey to it again.
In light of that I thought the way to pick everyone’s spirits up and place them back where they belong is a sweet and scandalous honey review. I was inspired by my last dip into the world of set to follow in the footsteps of my ancestors and continue onward to look at this sector of honey. To achieve this, I added a little treat to my shopping order, a value set honey from Tesco. I have a great deal of warm memories around Tesco honey so to have not tried this most basic of honey, I see as heresy. Now I will purge myself of my sins.
The labeling on this particular jar is simple, the colours are reflective of the animal that makes the contents, there is even a cute based drawing on a bee, the typeface is friendly and the branding is not obnoxious. This is what dreams are made of, I see it and it’s like an old friend that I have not talked to for many years but the connection is still there, they are the Euphrates and I am the Tigris. We roar in unison.
The first thing I noticed after undressing this little minx was a little white froth around the edge of the jar inside, most consumers would probably not be bothered by this but I was upset, why did this froth need to be there? Why was there a thin layer of disaster on my treasure?
The colour once again looks like a custard, but a lemon infused custard, something to be feared by the denizens of the night, if you spread this mixture into a pentagram I am sure you would summon Veli’tef’er or some other Daemon. However, that is only speaking of the lemon infused custard that reflects the colour, if you are looking for that kind of pigment for your walls but are afraid of otherworldly beings, this honey really is something for you.
The consistency of this honey is something new to me, I broke through the white crust to find moist cement, I had to really use all of my muscles, which I might add are atrophying at an alarming rate, to be able to acquire some of the precious bee cement. I have since gone back to the honey and stuck the spoon in fully, I have been able to move the jar around like some sort of spinning top with just the suction force of the honey. This is a serious honey.
I think mouth feel is important to recognize in this particular honey, it feels to me like someone has put papier mache models of bees in my mouth and they dissolve into the nothingness that is prevalent through this world as I try to bite down. As for taste, we start off, it’s a strong and fruity flavour, it has tang it has bass, but it doesn’t quite reach the pinnacle, I await a climax after a build-up and the follow up is not there. This doesn’t make it unpleasant however, I think that this from a budget honey is not too much of an issue, I can forgive it the sins of its father for its redeeming factors. The pitfall that we tumble into with this is the re occurrence of the metallic taste that is prevalent in this genre of honey, cheap and vicious. I don’t know why this happens but I want it to go away. It ruins what could be a pleasing honey fun time, it leaves a dangerous after taste that makes your throat feel like the beginning of a cold or flu, but you never reach the passing out stage, you’re only uncomfortable for an extended amount of time.
The Taste: A mountain climb, you near the peak, you see the flag of the predecessors at the pinnacle, but sadly your rope breaks, the mountain crumbles and you fall into Marxism/10
The Packaging: A whistle-stop tour of passion as seen in shades of yellow/10
The Colour: A white salty crust, with a passion for summing daemons/10
Overall: The salt flats of Tooele County hide a mischievous yellowish friend, but they have a dark secret that is revealed to you as you progress through their life story/10
Today I was at the Co-Operative on a quest to get some stir fry sauce and milk, this was because I drunk 6 liters of milk within 2 days and I also forgot to buy stir fry sauce. While browsing the shelves for those items I glanced at the honey section, after my last run in with Co-Operative branded honey I shuddered when I saw the unforgivable clear honey. However, I managed to dismiss that as I was wearing a very warm coat, and came across the value set honey. I thought for the purpose of completion and fairness that it should be purchased and digested.
I am going to try and stay away from comparing aspects of this honey to others as set is different to clear honey, although this being said any comparisons made will be meant from the depths of my heart, which, I know doesn’t mean much considering that I am dead inside, but I do try.
First of all, I want to talk about the packaging and label design as my last Co-Op honey review was very slipshod. The Co-Operative label design for their honey experience is something that unfortunately gives me premonitions of disaster, the background image may invoke delight and joy to the audience with a delicious crumpet, however the fonts in different sizes and typefaces everywhere with a cluster of colours from all sides of the rainbow overloads me with information. Personally, this label I find busy and tough to navigate without seeing something you would rather not, like a toilet at a concert venue.
The next logical step after the tumble that is the label, is the actual contents of the jar, my first foray into the world of budget set honey. I must admit my set honey experience is limited. There was no mess on the top of the jar which is expected due to the whole set attitude this has going on. The colour when I first saw it reminded me of a whiter custard, not a particularly inviting sight, but upon seeing it in my studio set up (the lamp in my room) I noticed it was far yellower than I first realised and what I learnt from this is that in this life we have to ensure we know truly what something is, because we can make snap judgements and they are totally incorrect, if I had not looked again at the honey to see the lemon curd delight which tells me of sunny days in the Serengeti I would have only seen the disappointment of custard (I do like custard but I always feel empty after eating it, like I want something more out of life and the universe).
The consistency is similar to that of lemon curd, another spread that brings delight into the day of your humble writer, however it has something more to it, a thickness, an undeniable yet undefinable something. I don’t know as of yet whether it is just this set honey or there are others like it, but I will find out, that’s an Alexis promise.
Ultimately the biggest factor is the taste, and I know I said I would not compare honey to honey, so I had multiple tastes of this to purge any preconceptions built from my last time with Co-Op. I entered into the pact with the honey and the first thing I got was bliss, a warm sunny day in a coastal village with someone you love, an ice cream, the seagulls making a cacophony above, comfort and belonging. This was snatched away from me immediately after, a metallic ring, a storm, passed through my mouth. It turned in my mouth the illusion of comfort was ripped away from me furiously, I was not allowed to be happy. I understood the discord of the label as the discord of the taste poured through me and allowed no rest. I swallowed and what was left in my mouth was an aftertaste that I won’t be forgetting anytime soon. Co-Op had failed me again.
The Taste: The transition to new manufacturing process in the period from c. 1760 to c. 1840, or the Industrial Revolution/10
The Packaging: A maddening descent into a graphic design disaster/10
The Colour: Lemon curd, nature’s invite to better times/10
Overall: A false sense of security, the calm before the storm, the ‘we need to talk’ followed immediately by a nationwide disaster/10
First I want to define what I find "good."
Good for me is very simple. I wake up, I don't feel tired. There are no pressures on me for that day and I can stay in bed listening to the rain hit the window, the rumble of the thunder in the air. I smell how clear the air is through the crack in the window. I can take my time to break my fast, I can take my time to dress and shower, I can spend the day playing a game, reading a book, enjoying media theory. Anything. Everything. Will the day be memorable? Doesn't matter. The day just is. It will end as it began, with contentment.
To me, a honey that is good is going to be contentment.
Knowing this, I went into Aldi's everyday essentials honey with expectations of desire and joy. I started my journey with a pop of the lid and was pleasantly surprised, despite the fact this honey was carried across London by myself sideways in a bag, there was no mess on the lid or lip and most importantly nothing spilled over and caused me to have to leave my chair and meet with Poseidon. So far, so "good."
A quick glance at the packaging shows minimal focus on making the product look good and more telling the consumer what they are purchasing, a standard for budget honey.
I gather my spoon, it's a Villeroy & Boch so if the quality of the honey isn't close to the quality of the spoon I know. I take a dip, I have to understand the viscosity and the drip of what I am about to receive. This honey is so runny that taking a photograph of the honey on the spoon was actually a challenge. I don't mind some runny honey but this is just on another level, American families get angry at how much this runs.
For the colour I see value apple juice, the one where you pour it and you know immediately the disappointment of what your body will go through soon.
I was prepared for disappointment.
However, I soldiered on through this judgement to be fair to the bees. I put it in my mouth and tasted. I was immediately surprised. The first taste I got was, nothing? It tasted empty. I was given nothing except the texture of cheap honey which lead to immediate disappointment. After this I got the taste. Weak. The bees had not been respected with this jar and it shows in the mouth. I have been wronged in my life and still I feel that despite all this woe, I have never looked despair so fully in the face as when putting this honey into my mouth to taste.
Is this honey "good"? No. This honey is waking up with a hangover to find that your favorite stuffed bee has disappeared and also your dog has thrown up, again.
The Taste: Null and Void/10
The Packaging: A sharp and clear message, like a wind on an autumn day/10
The Colour: Water with a hint of apple stock/10
Overall: Nothingness absolute/10
(p.s. A huge thank you to Will Milligan for the donation of this honey to my cause, this is sponsored by him, a wondrous man deserving of purity and adoration.)
Commentary - This is the first honey review that I think I would say is the standard I want to achieve. It's full of completely useless statements with colourful language that doesn't say much despite taking up space on the internet, which is exactly what I am after. The original had a video but as I do not have the money to be paying for video support on Wordpress that has to sadly be excluded.
Published 17th November -
Today is a very special day for me, an anniversary worth celebrating. Due to this extreme circumstance I feel the need to share the joy of the day with you by the means of the only way I know how to bring joy to anyone else. Through one of the only two things that can be my white blood, elevate my soul above. Honey.
Today we have Tesco Everyday Value Clear Honey, it comes in at a whopping 99 pence for 340grams of golden joy. This honey was an old flame of mine, working at Tesco for 6 months and requiring insane amounts of honey to keep the blood/honey levels high enough to function as a walking syrup container is not easy on the money. However, I have since moved on to other pastures of bee nectar hence the return to this being something special for me.
I want to start by talking about the container that this comes in, it’s consistent with the Tesco branding, clear and easy labeling with some nice abstract imagery that suggests bees of some kind were involved in the manufacture. You can’t expect much and you don’t get much. The most important thing though is does the honey drip down the container in a way that leads to a hot and sticky mess for the user, and I am happy to report that if clean hands are your priority in life, this honey might be there for you in your adventure to avoid the tap.
The texture is standard, a little runnier than I would personally like, as I prefer a nice thick sauce to give the feeling of the bee’s love sliding down my throat as I ingest their labours. Overall I would say this texture is better than to be expected from other honeys however.
Taste, it always boils down to taste in the extremes of choice, we take a spoon, we scoop it, we put it inside, we suck. We savour. My thoughts are thrown back to dark nights sitting at a desk, unable to concentrate on anything except the crushing agony of the solitude of this existence and the joy of the oats and bee product in front. I get hints of cities long since ruined and echoes of war. Bees died for this. I taste the industrial revolution in the metallic ring that resonates through my mouth, a usual sign of poor quality honey, but we know this is poor quality honey because it’s value honey, I am not expecting a masterpiece, I am expecting a warm hug from the black and yellow brethren. I get what I need from this, I get more than I need. I’m home.
The Taste: Nothing Special/10.2
The Packaging: Simple but Effective, like Tapeworms/10
Colour: The Oil of the Proletariat/10
Overall: The feeling of sitting in an library surrounded by dusty tomes, with the scent of a burning candle all around, as you uncover a vast wealth of knowledge/10
Commentary - This was a departure from the previous style choice in terms of a removal of the rating system, which was greeted with backlash from one immortal reader. The quality of the writing is still low and the images were still mediocre and nothing special so I am still unhappy with it.
Published 7th November -
Today it is time for something a lil' decadent, that's right, M & S Pure Honey, at a casual price of 1.60 for a small bottle, we are still in the realms of cheap budget honey but we are not the low low price of the Asda delight.
Honestly I don't have much to say about this honey other than I have had it on my desk today and I have drunk a fair amount of it because it's just that delicious. My throat feels amazing and my life has been transformed by this budget honey. It has taste, it has character, it has feeling, it's the taste of autumn in a small container of joy, it's the feeling of the crisp wind on your smooth cheeks as you think of the fire of home and a hug from a beloved. It completes me.
Commentary - This is the formation of style, I had a good reception on the first one so I decided to make it something I did because why not. This one I had a little more fun with and expanded some more on my opinions, but overall I am unhappy with it. Also the images were really just not that great.
Published 26 October -
What is up my dudes. Since the last post was the only time I've ever experienced love it's time for another honey time fun time. (and also because my serious post was ignored so here is something funny!)
This time we chatting mad about Asda Smart Price Clear Honey, coming in at a mighty 1.11 on the money scale.
This honey, well, let you tell me a thing about this one, this costs less than the other honey I reviewed and wow is it a step up.
The taste opens was a delicious honey experience that would be expected from any bee juice, progressing into a golden feeling, but then boy oh boy does it take a nosedive, we get the metallic tang that is congruent with budget honey and the bitter aftertaste that (smartly) leaves you wanting another dip in the pot to get that rush, that sweet dawn high that comes with the connection of fluid and tongue.
The texture was completely the norm, nothing special, nothing monstrous. Simple runny honey.
An issue arises however when we came to closing the lid on this experience, and the honey drips down the jar, leaving you with a cold (hot) mess. This is obviously not ideal and leads to you having to take a trip to a stream or water source to wash the fruit of the bees from your hands.
Taste: Fairly Respectable for a Pound/10
Packaging: Plain and Simple/10
Colour: A Golden Dawn, but you have to get up to wash your Cattle/10
Commentary - Humble beginnings, this started as an impromptu thing due to complete boredom and I had no clear idea what I was doing, like whoever made this honey. Also it's short and written poorly.
Originally post 21st October -
It's your favorite emo here (get wrecked Dani) with another budget honey discussion. This time co-op clear honey. I have tasted some waste of bee life in my time and this is up there, it actually makes me sad that bees died for this. The initial taste is disappointment and the middle is a hint of capitalism. Don't even get me started on the aftermath, a crushing reminder that bees are mortal and they too enter the void.
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