The Randomness of One Mind.

I'm just a simple woman, trying to make sense of all the insanity surrounding her.

[dualvoidanima]

‘figure’

[heroicallychallenged]

Where is the off switch for this damned restless mind of mine?

I'm so fucking tired, it hurts.

Late night thoughts of the morose variety.

Did I ever really matter?

[heroicallychallenged]

I wish I had the words.

There are so many ghosts haunting my every day, fragments of memories playing against the monotony of the day to day bullshit. Ill timed triggers take me back to things that I’ve tried to shove down far enough that they seamlessly join the macabre graveyard that’s taken the majority of my past. 

Yet I feel this deep need to know the path that led me to where I am today. 

It’s a path that I may never remember; leaving me with questions as to which memories I can actually claim. When I try to look back, everything takes on a dreamlike quality. When I try to focus on the now, nothing feels real. How am I to know who the fuck I am, when I have no real idea how I’ve gotten here.

I need to start getting my story out. I already find memories slipping through my fingers. As much as I’d like to stop feeling this deep, unsettling pain; I cannot allow myself to forget. 

[dualvoidanima]

‘psy’

[heroicallychallenged]

Someone join me for this spacewalk called life?

[heroicallychallenged]

The void.

How do I make my way back to some semblance of normality?

I know that there is no such thing as “normal” in regards to being a human within the scope of our knowledge. However, I find myself chasing this unattainable idea through toxic actions. I no longer pretend to know myself, I don’t dare dream to make sense of the choices I have been making as of late. 

The saddest part of it all is I can’t tell if I’m just pouring all of this energy into these pointless things in an attempt to distract myself, or if there are any real feelings involved. 

Fuck, at this point, I’m not sure I can feel things in the way I once did. Trauma has completely flipped the script, and nothing makes a lick of sense anymore. Not. A. Damn. Thing. 

I don’t know how much longer I can carry this weight.

I don’t know anything, really. 

[heroicallychallenged]

I’m losing myself once again.

When I look at my reflection, I fail to see anything that I recognize. Sure, the aesthetic vibe is similar to what I normally see; however, the light behind the eyes has been fully extinguished . All I see is an empty shell of a human being, the physicality of what I’m looking at is completely unable to register in my mind as real.

Depersonalization is a mind fuck and a half.

I want to feel real again. I want to believe that I’m substantial, that I register in this world on some base level. I want to believe that this lens through which I’m seeing myself will soon fade away.

I’m wilting away, and it’s the saddest thing.

[myriadsubtletiess-blog]

The worst part about having mental health issues is that you’re seemingly required to have a breakdown in order for people to understand how hard you were trying to hold yourself together.

[thingsididntknowwereerotic]

I have never seen it explained so well.

[heroicallychallenged]

From the outside, I appear “normal”.

Internally, I’m a fucking mess.

No matter how calm and collected I seem, it’s a struggle to hold myself together.

Invisible illness is still legitimate, so please be kind.

[everythingstarstuff]

[heroicallychallenged]

Trying to stay distracted from the fact that this information will probably completely ruin everything.

It’s not working, but I love this picture nonetheless.

Heavy heart, heavy mind.

[heroicallychallenged]

You see through my words to the truth behind my eyes. No matter how secure I feel about the image I portray, you tear my projections to pieces and embrace the lost girl behind the veil. If only we weren’t completely terrified of one another, our pasts painting our future before we’ve yet arrived. At the very least we now know that we’re not alone in that room anymore; and for now, that’s more than enough.

[heroicallychallenged]

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A post shared by Poet | Poems & Quotes © (@poetriesgram) on Aug 28, 2020 at 8:55am PDT

Someday I’ll discover the path out of the darkness. For now, it’s my comfort.

[destroymylife]

[heroicallychallenged]

I fucking hope so.

[recaption]

[heroicallychallenged]

One day I’ll figure out how.

[compulsive]

[heroicallychallenged]

I just need to feel that, for once, I’m enough.

[especially]

[heroicallychallenged]

I’m running myself ragged.

[destroymylife]

[heroicallychallenged]

I don’t want to feel feelings anymore.

Switching to jaded mode in 3... 2... 1...

[understands]

[heroicallychallenged]

I’m malfunctioning more than I ever have before.

On the one hand it makes sense.

But when I stop to really think about it,

It feels the same as every other time.

I’m so tired. I’m so lost. I’m so done.

I’ve been told it will get better,

I really fucking hope so.

I don’t know how much more I can take.

[heroicallychallenged]

I wonder if there will ever come a day where I no longer feel this deep, unsettling sensation of loneliness. It doesn’t matter if I’m in a room full of people, or truly alone, I simply can’t shake this feeling of separation.

I want to be able to clear the chasm that seems to keep me from connecting, but I don’t know how.

Someone send help?

[heroicallychallenged]

As terrible as it is to think of another experiencing my same pain, I find immense relief in knowing I’m not the only one.

As frustrating as it may be to wear many invisible traumas manifested as mental illness, I find reprieve in knowing more information as to why I find myself in emotional funks.

As illogical as I may see my actions to be, I find solace in knowing that my actions have a root hurt that I’ve been ignoring.

As mortifying as it is to take down my walls, I find peace in realizing that not everyone on the other side is out to manipulate me for their own personal gains.

As maddening as it may be to not remember, I find hope in the small memories potentially leading to the stories I desire to know.

As terrified as I am to uncover the things that have been buried, I find courage in knowing I’ve made it through so much already.

I will be able to handle whatever comes my way.

I tend to see things through a different lens. While it’s one I can’t always control, I find beauty in the breakdown, as it always leads me to a deeper level of self discovery. I haven’t always loved who I am, and I still struggle with loving myself sometimes. That’s okay, I’m only human. 

However, I have discovered many things through tough lessons:

People only have the right to treat me the way that I allow them to treat me, and I need to be better at remembering that sometimes.

I may not always be understood, but that doesn’t mean that I’m not valid.

Forgiveness is a difficult, but extremely important process to go through. Forgiving and forgetting are two entirely different things, and letting go of the pain does not mean you’re accepting their behaviors.

My story is my story, and I get to decide how much I share. It varies from person to person. Some people know the darkest corners of my soul, while others know the shell of who I am. Sometimes I accidentally overshare, and it sucks. I take the lessons I’ve learned with me though, and have grown much more selective as to who knows what.

I just want to thank those of you who listen to me travel down the rabbit hole, or read my little writings on here. I have found some semblance of inspiration in these quick (or in certain cases, rather long winded) musings. 

Fingers crossed it leads to further action.