I was different, I was in school, I was an athlete, I was kind, I had the ability to love & trust, I was a sister & a daughter, a good one at that. I met a boy, not a man, a 25 year old little boy. He introduced me to the fast paced lifestyle that i first fell in love with before i loved drugs. I was 18. i was innocent, i was sweet and I loved him. i gave up everything for him, including my innocence and life. i found a pill. it was blue and shaped like a football. āit will make you feel like your drunkā he said. i took one. one turned into 15 and before i knew it i realized i was in love. i dropped out of school, threw away my scholarship to a division one school for my love of drugs. i tried to stop. i got depressed. everything hurt. stopping wasnāt an option. he went to jail. he left behind this tan powdery substance in blue bags stuck in these tiny cute plastic bags. i didnāt know what to do with so much of it. someone said āif you wanna know what the hype is about, try itā so i did. I HATED IT, i threw up for hours. craziest part, i did again the next day. 1 week later, i was tying a shoelace on my bicep and sticking a needle in my arm and allowing the tan substance to swim through my veins. i lost myself very quickly. started dancing at multiple clubs in philadelphia, and selling myself to gross men who would give me this look that would pierce my soul. i hated myself. i couldnāt look in the mirror. my mother cried every night. i turned my phone off, i couldnāt stand who i was, but i wasnāt willing to stop for anyone or anything. that little boy in jail, would call me and i would act like i had everything together when everyone knew i was in pieces. i was dead to myself and everyone else. i started packing a glass looking vile with the hard white rock. i fell in love with the thrill of the trains in my ears. i was killing myself. my mother would come looking for me and i would disgrace her and myself. i wanted to get high. i did not want to be a daughter, a sister, a friend. i wanted to be alone with my love. i WAS ALONE. One day i was sick. i couldnāt move. my body hurt. i was crying. i was broken. i went to meet someone to get my fix. i was jumped. bad. i was hospitalized. my face was black and blue and i was scared. i wanted my mom. i couldnāt find it in me to call her because of the shame and guilt that took over my whole life. social workers asked but i just said what i had to so i could leave and feel better. i walked out, pre discharge because i was so ill. went straight to kensington, PA and floated away. my story continues and progressively gets worse. i went state to state to try to get better and i just was not capable of staying clean. abuse, ODās, treatments, enemies, prostitution, stripping. all of the above, i did. i was in miami florida on a maintenance program. i woke up one morning and was not able to see. i was losing my vision because of the use of drugs. i had to get out of their before i killed myself. i flew home. i was put in treatment and thatās where it began. i have 9 months today. itās hard, emotions are scary. I donāt know how to trust a single sole, ive lost friends, i go to funerals every other week. i am still not able to look in the mirror, i am working on loving myself. but itās hard. itās not easy. i get homesick, i miss my family. but iām clean. i donāt stick a needle in my arm or sell myself for the next one. i donāt know what tomorrow will bring. i donāt really know if iāll ever use again. iām learning on a daily basis how to live without the love of my life & how to cope with everything in my life. iām 22 years old and the life iāve lived and the things iāve gone through are more than some people face in a life time. but iām grateful, iām alive, and iām okay. - mags 4|27|18
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