M.

♡ my mind wanders here.

[herportfolio]

she bloomed so beautifully,

like it’s the first day of spring.

her smiles were reminded of summer,

until they quickly fade from green to grey

leaving only remnants of her lost happiness.

it seems time has frozen,

unable to escape,

unable to let go.

she had no one else to blame anyway,

for she is in love with the loop of his hell.

— M. // how persephone never left hades

[herportfolio]

she taste like strawberries and cigarettes,

she is where autumn and summer meets.

the child of the moon and sea.

[herportfolio]

Venus

[herportfolio]

6:49 pm —

It was still early for everyone to stay inside their homes. The city seemed so much like a peaceful countryside now, except for military officers roaming around.

I was inside my room, having a video call with my colleagues as we try our operation work-from-home to work out in this community quarantine crisis. While my bosses kept on looking for a solution, I went silent and my mind went elsewhere for a moment.

For almost a week, I realized I have never stayed at home this long after a while. Ever since I got employed, my life has been nothing but about it. I still go out and see a few friends, go out of town once or twice a year, spend time with my family if schedule permits however, it wasn’t the same anymore. I got busier as time goes by. Seeing long time friends was harder. Spending time with my family only exists during lunch - and that even depends on my schedule. I already forgot how it feels like to have your feet in the sand and watch the waves meet the surface over and over.

I never thought that balancing your personal life and profession was this draining. And I still consider myself very young. What more if I become older?

There was never a day where I can give myself a real break. To breathe. To remind myself that it’s still okay. I am who I still think I am, right?

My thoughts were disturbed when my phone beeped, signaling a new notification. My senses came back and I was back in the conversation with my bosses. I checked my inbox and saw a new message from him.

Look outside, there’s Venus.

I opened the window and looked up the sky. The sun has set and already went beyond the horizon. The hues turned to dark blue. The wind has started to give me chills. And a single star is shining from above. It shines so bright like it can light up the whole night.

I replied to his message and asked, is it the brightest one?

Yes, that’s your Venus. He replied, followed by a low quality photo of the star or should I say, planet, from his location.

A smile formed in my lips. He knew and remembered I admire the constellations and planets. He finds it funny when I don’t know much about the facts but knows a lot when it comes to mythology. Well, he can’t blame me. He’s in a relationship with a literature major.

I stopped responding to my bosses and told them my work was already done. I left the meeting and went closer to the window. I took a photo of the bright star and send it back to him. He replied and said,

It feels good to think that we’re looking at the same star. Am I right?

I looked back at the star and took a deep breath. It has been a quiet night for the past couple of days. I was only in my room, working and getting updates from the outside world. For a while, I forgot how beautiful the skies changes its hues. How wonderful to have the moon as your only company. To stare at the stars that never gets tired to shine out for you.

Venus is such a beauty. Even from afar, I admire the stories, the facts and it fascinates me so much to think that I am looking at a planet from another planet. The Roman counterpart of Aphrodite. The Goddess of love and beauty. The closest planet to the sun. The second brightest natural object in the sky. The morning and the evening star.

I guess he didn’t realize that he pulled me back for a moment there and let me breathe. And made me smile. Even about the smallest of things.

God, I just fell in love with him. Again, and then all at once.

[herportfolio]

Tahimik ang gabi. Naririnig ko ang mga kotseng dumadaan. Ang mga poste ay nagpapatay sindi. Ang buwan ay nakatingin sa akin at tumitingin din ako pabalik sakanya. Sa dalas kong gawin ito, minsan naiisip ko kung naiisip ba ng buwan na tanungin kung ano ang nararamdaman ko sa bawat gabi na magkasama kami.

Malamig ang simoy ng hangin at parang bumubulong sa akin na “Sige, isa pa.” Isa pang subok. Isa pang hithit. Walang pipigil.

Sinindihan ko ang bagong sigarilyo pagkatapos kong itapon ang isa na ngayon ay upos na. Sa bawat pagpasok ng kemikal sa aking katawan, ramdam ko ang sa aking lalamunan ang init na namumuo na nabibigay ng ginhawa sa tuwing ako ay kadalasan malalim ang iniisip.

“Masaya ka sakanya?” Narinig ko nagtanong ang daigdig.

Bakit natin kailangan matutunan ang isang bagay na alam na natin ang sagot? Alam kung saan tutungo. Bakit maramot ang oras? Bakit ang kasiyahan ko ay tila isang katawa tawa, isang pantasya?

“Bakit ang mga tao ay mahilig magtanong. Mahilig makuha ang mga bagay at humiling pa ng mas higit pa sa sapat.” Sagot ng daigdig.

Kailanman hindi ko naramdaman na may matatawag akong akin. Laging mali. Laging masakit. Laging sandali. Laging baka sakali. Laging dapat magpigil. Laging mali ang sumugal, kahit ito ang inaasahang gawin ng sangkatauhan para magpatuloy ang prinsipyo ng buhay.

“Masaya ka ba sakanya?” Tanong nito muli. “Iyon ang unang kong tanong, bakit hindi mo masagot?”

Gusto ako maging masaya. Ng mga tao sa paligid ko. Ng mga mahal ko. Ng Dyos. Pero paano ako magiging masaya, paano kami magiging masaya sa isang hiram lang? Sa isang sandali? Sa mga pigil na sigaw ng aming damdamin?

“Hindi ba dapat ang sandali na binayaya sa iyo ay dapat mo panghawakan?Bakit hindi mo siya yakapin ng mas mahigpit ngayon?”

Wala akong hiniling. Kung hindi maging masaya. 

“Hiniling mo, pero hindi mo pinipili.”

Hindi ko na napansin na nauubos na pala ang sigarilyo na nasa gitna ng aking mga daliri. Tuluyan ito nagiging upos. Tinapon ko na lang ito at balak na kumuha ng bago.

Nawala ang imahinasyon ko na kausap ang daigdig. Bumalik ang realidad. Ang sigarilyo. Ang lamig. Ang usok. Siya.

Mas tumahimik ang gabi. Ang buwan ay kasama ko pa din, pero parang hindi. 

Sa mga panahon na ito, biglang pumasok sa aking isip.

Hindi man ako sa huli, pero sa bawat sandali na siya’y nasa aking tabi at may ngiti na lumalabas sa kanyang labi habang siya ay nakatingin sa akin, ramdam ko ang ligaya na gumuguhit sa kanyang pisngi.

Maaaring sa mga panahon na ganito, ako ay kanyang pinipili.

“Ang tagal mo naman nag yosi. Hinahanap ka na namin.” Biglang sulpot ng isang lalaki walang kamalay malay na hinihiling ko makasama siya sa daidig.

Kinuha ko ang kaniyang kamay at bigla ako nagtanong, “Bakit ka naririto?”

“Kasi kaaarawan mo?” Ngiti niyang sagot.

“Hindi iyon,”

“Bakit ako narito.” Tumigil siya magsalita saglit. “Kasi masaya ako. Basta masaya ako narito ka. Kuntento na ako.”

“Masaya din ako.” Ngiti kong sinabi.

“Bakit?”

“Kasi kasama kita ngayon.” 

Kahit hindi hanggang sa huli.

Salamat sa daigdig. Sa pag rinig sa aking hiling.

[herportfolio]

nakakatakot, hindi ba?

na sa ating masyadong pag-ingat,

sa pag-santabi ng lahat,

para unahin ang tama para sa iba

nakalimutan na natin maalala

na baka dumating na lang ang araw,

nabubuhay na lang tayo sa oras

na tayo ay kailangan

hindi dahil tayo ay masaya.