I've spent this last hour holding my "x-acto" knife, rubbing the rubber edge, flicking up the end while watching this "SLAM" poem's. I've cried multiple times, whether it's because I'm on my period or something else I don't know. Probably both.
All I know is that I've been sitting here the last hour with an x-acto knife while my ankles itch and I wonder why.
Why do I want to do this.
Why do I want to add more blood to my body that's already being given on a napkin; why do I want to spill my own sins out as if they can be forgiven through sacrifice and begging for forgiveness, why do I feel like I'm worthless and unable to do anything while I watch these amazing people speak for themselves and not go through the same problems I do but much worse and don't sink to my level.
I don't know how to explain what's happening expect through an unfolding of lies that I've spread through the years saying "I'm fine" and that everything is "all right". I feel a shadow in my family and I know, despite living within that area and being with them constantly that the only person they ever truly speak with is that shadow. That the bundle of a girl that is sitting in the corner is never truly seen but a smiling laughing face.
I understand.
I understand...
I understand pain is much easier to throw at then it is to accept, I understand the jagged, hard lines of a knife do not compare to the soft, smooth lines of a woman's breast, yet when you lift the shirt all you see are those lines and you do not accept them as you would have accepted fondling her spirit earlier because you see the hard line of life that falls upon a small girl that should not feel.
Men, women, all of us are given to these standards if we let life in we will surely crumble and fall, if we let life, pain, misery, sadness in we will fail. But if we cannot let in life, then we cannot let in happiness, joy or love. We cannot let in acceptance, care and tenderness. A baby will lose it's parents love all because of these standards in society being raised so high the little infant will not know whether it is being loved or is being sold, the feeling is the same.
The feeling is pain.
All I know is that I've been sitting here the last hour wondering why.
This is one of my OTP's and I find it absolutely amazing. Harry Whitehorse and Karol Capel (screwhandholding). Ofc it'd be way in the future because Harry's already 'legal' so no pedophilia things (plus the 'i like a guy' denial thing weee)
The reason I like this pairing so much is really ... complicated.
I did it randomly one day just because I wanted to write something unique, but then it turned into something and I ended up going all 'awww aksdjfaksdf bbys' over it.
Harry is a very stubborn individual and he's also very loyal. He wouldn't 'go out' with just anyone, and he also wouldn't let 'just anyone' get close. They have to basically go through his 'checking out' to getting close to him and there's this long process of tests and talks and everything and if ONE thing is off, he'd just dump 'em there as a friend and go on before someone got really hurt.
Karol has already passed this barrier, as has Raven, Yuri and a few other members of Altosk.
Friendship has been won! Next is getting along constantly. No offense, but I see BV replacing Blood Alliance pretty quickly after the end of Vesperia. This means Karol get's to be the spokesperson and get's chances to spend time with Harry.
Not to mention Harry would want details on things in the Empire which Karol could get a lot easier than he could (and doesn't want to) so it just adds as a win-win for him. Within these talks you can get a lot of chemistry, friendship and just extra bits of starting-to-crush but not realizing it.
He's easy to tease and gives good reactions, like's to play games and is something to distract Harry from the dull thrum of paperwork he has to do.
As time goes on, I would assume that Karol would look up to Harry as a sort of 'close confidant' and explain his troubles while going after Nan, leading his guild, etc, etc... Harry would offer advice best he could and, if anything ever went wrong be there to offer drinks as consolation and say 'better luck next time'.
Ofc this is all friendship material things, but I like to think with how this goes it would slowly work to be something that becomes a relationship ... //sighs
But alas.
This ship will never happen as all the Karol's are away and my Harry is a brat. Not to mention, I don't know anyone silly enough to do it with me 'sides one person and theylosttheirkarolmuse *criez*
I just want a goddamn hug and somebody to see I'm upset without telling them so I don't feel like a douche when I say "sorry-- not feeling well" when they talk to me.
I know I'm being a stupid butt.
But I'm just so tired. And today isn't even the first day.
I've just been tired for a while.
How did that song go? "I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired."
It makes me think of what my AP Lang teacher said.
Nowadays, you don't even have to ask my generation how they are. Not really. Because everyone is just so damn tired.
Including me.
And you know ... looking around at all the 'bad' and the stabbings and the shootings.
You know, I find it funny. People say all the time they want to do something but then they never do it. I'm guilty of this, multiple times. For instance, did you know I have 13 blogs and all of them have at least one draft on them. And, nomatter what I seem to do I can never get up to write that one reply because it just doesn't feel like the right reply.
I feel horrible right now, but I'm not going to do anything about it. Why? Because I'm just not.
...heh...so many blogs, you'd think I'd have at least one thing to do.
areudirty
gamechangershow
vaporwave
germansingergirl
dailybridgerton
origamiaround
prguitarman
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