it feels like the world is against me sometimes.
and i dont know how to make it clear that i just want to be left alone. say hi my name is adam nice to meet you please dont hurt me im just a boy please i just want to be treated like one of you. you dont have to even talk to me but if you refer to me just maybe say he but if not its okay & i’m still too aggressive. say nothing at all and i’m just too difficult to even bother with at all. loser from the start, this is an eternal summer and you’re god’s least favourite cold-blooded experiment. strap in and enjoy the ride: you’ll be here for a long time.
If I am offended by someone calling me a woman, I am too much. I am one of those trannies that makes everything about them, the spitting image of the blue-haired, big-mouthed, angry-faced caricatures of trans individuals created by the right. If I am not offended, I am making a bad name for my fellow trans siblings by not standing up for myself when people misidentify me. I am normalising the idea that people are allowed to “mess up” on purpose, label me as whatever they want. I can never win: The only way would be to never get misgendered again. To not even have it be a possibility…
But we all know that this can never happen.
No matter what I do, I am always wrong,
because what did I expect when I chose to do this?
Everyone knows how the world feels about people like me.
Would it have been easier for me to just stay a girl?
Easier for which one of us?
The world is run by spiders weaving complex webs of lies and careful misinformation, all vague enough to seem true to those who only catch the news in passing and parrot it at work, conversing at the water coolers. But being wrong is a disease, and baby, it's contagious: Mask up and shut your mouth and maybe even your ears too.
They are just trying to provoke me. They want to make me step out of line, so when I finally say “hey im a bit uncomfortable” They can finally say
I knew there was something about him!
He is one of those, he lied!
He DOES make his identity his whole personality!
No. It seems that my identity has become YOUR personality,
because my gender defines everyone but me:
The way people react to my face usually tells me all I need to know.
I can recognise a cold gaze from around the corner,
through a brick wall and from a mile away
I'm a psychic, honey, and I'm never gonna change,
so dont shoot the Messenger, okay?
and it goes like this it goes
boy with mustache makes a face when stranger calls him a girl
boy with mustache apologises for the trouble in case stranger noticed
stranger scoffs i dont see why it's such a big deal you can't expect everyone to understand
boy says i know and i’m sorry
boy goes home and forgets what he looks like.
different place wake up with a different face who am i today well everyone sees different things
but you know me i ride my own wave, this is My summer soundtrack
i am a skateboarder i am a stoner i am a rockstar
i am a bleach blond baby boy abandoned by god and i will never die again
mask after mask name after name
another ring around my eyes after another night awake
bags full of sleep deprived weekends staying busy with a racing head
lids heavy with the memories of endless nights
it’ll weigh me down ‘til i’m lowered into my early grave
and all the brick roads and sunsets up in my favourite singer’s hometown will never hit me the same
ghosts see the world differently,
ever so slightly colourblind
translucent lids half-covering eyes that have grown so tired from all they’ve seen
the people who care what you look like or hate what you listen to aren't really people that should be in your life anyway. so i don't care too much when they cut me off.
i just find it so insane that somehow i'm hurting people by being alive. by breathing.
if i enjoyed the shapes of the words she and her in your mouth if i enjoyed the twang of their sound waves if i could love the way the words hit my eardrums then my existence would be pure, a gift from god and i would be a miracle
but because i stand up for myself
because i have committed the crime of wanting to be happy
stain on society and a file best left unopened.
top secret, confidential. don't ask, don't tell, but tell them what you don't know, tell them what you want to think. don't ask, don't tell, but they’ll always ask, and you’ll always tell.
“we don’t talk about her anymore.”
“i heard it was drugs that did it.”
“i heard it was schizophrenia.”
“i think she was into witchcraft.”
god forbid a boy want to be loved: god forbid i avenge my death.
porcelain is so easily cracked,
you don't think i have a right to self defense?
i have to crawl out of my grave because this city is all i know. and this place can get so damn cold.
my rebirth will be slow. it will be terrible. and it is commencing.