you gonna be okay? - pjs + zcl (NCT)
hello. I wrote this to help myself out of a mental funk kinda ting, which is really depressing in itself, but it did help. I thought it would be a waste if no one saw it, ya know? it's a bit controversial. fun fact: I made a whole new account to post this so no one I know can find me here.
so um for context, both jisung and chenle are quite a bit older than me, and I'm over a year legal in my country. anyway. here we go yeehaw.
warnings: angst (⚠️⚠️TRIGGER WARNING⚠️⚠️ MENTIONS OF SH AND PANIC/ANXIETY ATTACKS), kinda smut (like a little bit of grinding and marking and tongue salsa), jisung has anxiety or smth idk, chenle misses jisung, ends with fluff and stuff it's kinda kyoot
word count: 4.4k
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the recurrence of these emotions should have been the first warning sign. how he had felt this way so often over the past 3 years. maybe the first time he marked up his own body should have been the second warning sign. the numbness within him fading to a euphoric stinging sensation within seconds, then to guilt and anxiety. no one could know. then maybe the third warning sign would have been his growing dependency on things that kill you from the inside. drinking and smoking to feel anything but numb or anxious or like he wanted to be crushed under a car. but none of the above felt like warning signs to him, because between the worst lows and the happy period right after, he would forget anything happened. he would ignore it. he would tell himself it wasnt a big deal, and that no one should know. so no one did.
jisung was seen as the funny, nice friend in this way. he would listen to others' problems and help them as much as he could. he would give people his things to make them happy, not expecting to get anything back himself. he wouldn't try to make others laugh, but would feel proud when he did. people liked him in a casual way. he was a good guy, a kind guy. jisung thought that too sometimes, before he stopped himself. "don't get too into your own head." he would think. "show these people how nice you are. be the happy person that people like. that will make you happy all the time." clearly, that didn't always work. but, to fulfill his purpose, he ignored and forgot the times when he didn't live up to his happy persona. it didn't happen. he was happy. always happy. nothing but happy. and he prayed to any and all gods that he would never get caught out.
°•°•°•°•°•°•
"Jisung. Talk to me for a sec." Coach spoke from across the gym. Whilst still laughing about a joke with his friends, he jogged over to the coach, smiling brightly. "What's up with you today? You get enough sleep? You were all over the place. I swear I saw you trip over your own feet a couple times." Jisung's smile almost faltered, but he caught himself before it could.
"Ah, coach. You know me. I may have spent a little bit longer on Overwatch last night than usual but it's only because of this one guy that kept busting my nu- killstreak, man! I had to get him back or I wouldn't have slept at all!" Coach laughed at the teen's obvious rage thinking back to this other player and his tone softened.
"Yeah, yeah. I do get it. But don't let it happen again, alright? You're my star player and I'm counting on you for regionals. You won't let me down, right?"
"Sir, no, sir!" Jisung projected.
"You cheeky brat. Go on. Get outta here." the coach laughed as Jisung jogged back over to where his friends were joking and packing their bags.
"Hey, Sung. What was that about?" questioned Jeno, whilst spraying himself with deodorant and suffocating the rest of the group.
"Watch it, fuckface!" exclaimed Renjun, coughing up his organs.
"Oh, nothing. Just talking about regionals." Jisung replied after clearing his throat of Lynx Africa.
"Ahh, star player Jisung! But you were a bit slow today, huh? I might just steal your spot up the coach's ass, you get me?" Jaemin nudged Jisung, making the group laugh at the boy's teasing remark.
"Never in a million years, Na." Jisung shoved the boy before grabbing his bag and sidestepping away to avoid reprisal. The other boys followed this action and started walking towards the door, talking between each other.
"So, do y'all wanna get some food or something?" Haechan asked the group, hinting that he definitely did want to get some food. The group all murmured in agreement, apart from Jisung, who replied "Ah, I would love to but my mum wants me back for dinner with the family tonight."
"Aww momma's boy Jisungie. How cute." Jaemin teased before reaching to squeeze the youngest's cheeks. Jisung backed away, making sounds of fear whilst smiling at his friend's show of affection. Jaemin eventually backed off and Jisung rubbed his now red cheeks. He drifted to the back of the group walking through the school's empty corridors. A few seconds later, Chenle found his way next to him.
"Hey, are you gonna make it on the PlayStation tonight?" he asked excitedly.
"Ah, I don't know, man. Depends if my mum lets me." Jisung replied whilst rubbing the nape of his neck.
"What? But she didn't let you play last night! That's child cruelty, I swear!" his shrill voice rang through Jisung's ears, making him flinch to the side.
"Yeah. I know it sucks. But you guys are great without me, too! You'll be fine, man."Jisung reassured the loud boy. They continued to talk about the game that Jisung had missed the night before until the group reached a crossroads. They waved goodbye and Jisung split off from the group who were heading to a diner around the corner. As he walked down the pavement towards his house, he realised how dark it had gotten in only 10 minutes. It made sense as it was December, and he sighed as he looked at the expansive sky with greys and whites mixing with dark blue. As he approached his house, he noticed that the Christmas lights had been put up, white and orange fairy lights strung across the bushes outside and over the front door. He smiled to himself. As he stepped into the house, his fingers tingled from the contrast of the freezing winter air outside and the cozy central heating inside. "Mum?" Jisung shouted down the corridor whilst taking off his shoes and putting his bag on the floor.
"Hey, Sungie! How was school?" her voice appeared from the living room and Jisung walked towards it.
"Ah, same old, same old, you know?" he shrugged.
"Are you not hanging out with your friends today?" she asked as she paused her TV programme. She had been watching Rick and Morty and Jisung couldn't help but think how much she would fit in with his age group. The thought made him cringe.
"No. They were all tired and had to go home." He said whilst looking at the paused TV screen.
"Oh, well. I hope you don't mind but me and dad are going out tonight with some friends so do you mind making your own dinner? Your sister's staying at her friend's house so don't worry about her and your brother's in his room with his friend and they're doing their own thing." Jisung's mum explained. Jisung's face almost dropped but, once again, he caught himself and smiled.
"Of course, that's fine. I'll make myself some ramen. Have fun tonight!" he said as he walked out of the room and grabbed his bag.
"You too!" his mum spoke before the sound of the TV started playing again. Jisung jogged upstairs and down the corridor to his room before walking in and locking the door behind him, as was his routine. He sighed and dropped his bag on the floor, standing still by the door. Next in his routine was the sudden wave of cold that rushed over him, so much colder than the rest of the house. Then his lip would start quivering and he may have let out a whimper or two, before dropping onto his bed and sobbing with no tears, just the feeling of hopelessness running through his veins. His body curled in on itself and his hands clawed at his bedsheets as his face dug into his pillow. He would then rock back and forth for the next half an hour, chanting such phrases as "I wish I was dead" or "I'm horrible" or maybe "I hate this". What it was that he hated? He couldn't tell you. He just knew he didn't want to be there anymore. Or anywhere really. He would contemplate carving into himself like a Halloween pumpkin again but would always chicken out just before, remembering how tiring it was to hide it the first times. He didn't want to add anymore stuff to his plate. Also, his physical appearance needed to match his social appearance. No one could know what he was like on his own. It was his own little secret. However, he needed to feel something. So he would curl up on his floor, his head against his carpet, and scratch all down his arms, as hard as he could. The sensation made him feel something, and feeling something felt euphoric. After maybe managing to shed a few tears and falling asleep, he would wake up feeling drained and somewhat annoyed for not being able to see the scratches on his arms. But of course, he would then think of himself as an attention-whore, and make himself forget anything had happened. His day then continues from then with him being the happy social butterfly he was known to be. And the cycle would repeat.
°•°•°•°•°•°•
"Hey, you better come hang with us tonight. I feel like I hardly see you anymore!" Chenle spoke to Jisung in what he would call his "quiet voice". Luckily, they were in the canteen and there was hardly anyone around.
"You know I would love to, but I've got a lot of homework to do! Mr Suh is being a real bitch lately, you know?" Jisung spoke back as he played with the rice on his plate. School food really did nothing for his constant nausea.
"But you've been working so much lately! You've had to do homework almost every day after school for the past month! And before that, your mum needed you to come home for dinner every night! I miss you, Sungie." Chenle's typically loud and screeching voice fell at the last bit, and Jisung looked up at the boy through his fringe. What did he mean by "I miss you" when he was right there in front of him? He hadn't gone anywhere.
"What do you mean "you miss me"? I'm right here, Lele." Jisung almost reached his hand out for Chenle's on the other side of the table, but ended up deciding against it and just leaning forwards slightly.
"But you're not though. I only see you in school now. And you hardly talk to me anymore. You used to tell me about stuff that's going on in your life. Now I have to talk to you first to get you to notice to me." Jisung's eyes began to get hot as he looked down at the table. He could feel his heartbeat in his stomach and his muscles begin to twitch. This wasn't good. "Do you even like me anymore? I thought you were my best friend, Jisung. What's happened to you?" Chenle's voice held an apprehensive and somewhat emotional tone. Jisung couldn't breathe. He needed to get out of there.
"I've gotta go." he rushed out his words in a hushed tone to stop his tears from falling, whilst pushing up from his seat and speeding out of the canteen as fast as possible without running. His eyes stayed trained on the ground and the tears welling up made him feel like he was about to throw up. He pushed open the door to a toilet block he knew no one would be in before rushing into a cubicle and locking the door behind him. He broke.
His sobs rang against the walls of the cubicle, no matter how much he tried to repress them. He slapped his hand over his mouth in attempt to quieten himself, and his tears fell like torrential rain, down his face, his hands and to the floor. His back slid down the wall of the cubicle until he was curled up on the floor in a puddle of his own trembling limbs and tears. He stayed in that state for 5 more minutes, neither his tears nor his emotions subsiding. Then, he heard the door of the toilet block crash open, promptly followed by a shout of "Jisung?". Chenle.
Jisung's eyes clenched shut so tightly that he was seeing stars, his nails now digging into his cheeks with how tightly he was covering his mouth. The tears didn't stop but at least they didn't make any noise. "Jisung. I know you're there. I won't break down the door. Just let me in." Chenle's voice turned softer, but now with an added hint of concern. Jisung dreaded to think that Chenle was concerned about him. He tried to stop the tears so he could face his friend, but they wouldn't stop, and he couldn't even move. He felt trapped where he was. His body had given up. "I'm not going anywhere, Jisung. I promise." Chenle's voice sounded close, like his head was against the other side of the door. Hearing him say that somehow made Jisung break even further. He didn't know that was possible. His sobs could suddenly be heard again even through his hands tight grasp on his face. "Jisung?" Chenle's voice sounded panicked now. He didn't want to do that to him. He needed to let him know he was there, even like this.
"Chenle-" he rasped out between sobs. His voice clearly sounded tired and weak, with a hint of desperation.
"Please, open the door, Sungie." Jisung sobbed harder, feeling incapable of moving whatsoever, but his best friend's distress gave him an ounce of motivation, but not without added guilt and shame. He hid his head in his arm against his knees and blindly reached for the lock on the door. He felt it unlock and immediately curled his other hand around himself, hoping to not be seen. Of course, that didn't happen. He heard a gasp from above and then felt the brush of air against his arm as his friend dropped down next to him. His sobs had still not stopped and he felt the smallest he had ever felt in his life right at this moment, curled up on the toilet floor next to his best friend. He didn't know what he had expected to happen, but it certainly wasn't the warm feeling of his friends arms wrapping around him, and the warmth of his breath against his neck. They didn't usually do that with each other. This only spurred on more tears, but slightly fuzzier ones. With some sensation back in his body, he twisted his hand upwards to hold onto his friend's arm, a small message to the other boy in an attempt to translate how grateful he is to him and that he's the best friend anyone could ever wish for. It may have not translated that whole message, but he hoped that it got pretty close.
"You're gonna be okay, Sungie." Chenle spoke into the crying boy's neck. The warmth tickled him and caused a hot shiver to run across his spine. Wait. Was he blushing? In shock about having just blushed at the actions of his best friend, he managed to lift his head up and open his eyes. His sight was blurred but he could see the wavy outline of his small friend through his unrelenting tears. He could feel hands upon his cheeks as they turned his face towards him to wipe at the tears under his eyes with the soft pads of his thumbs. He hoped so much that his face was red enough from crying to cover up the ever-growing blush that adorned his cheeks. He bit his lip and looked down in embarrassment, but Chenle didn't allow it. With his hands still resting on his cheeks, he lifted his head back up and pressed his forehead against the others. Out of surprise, Jisung's right hand shot up to hold onto the other's elbow, before sliding up to his hand against his cheek instead. He rested his hand on top of Chenle's and leant into it slightly, enjoying the feeling way too much than he should have felt okay with. His eyes fell shut again as he released a sigh that fluttered against Chenle's cheeks. They sat there, sharing each other's space, for what felt like years. Jisung wished the feeling would never stop. But as long as Chenle was with him, he felt like it never would.
After his tears had slowed and his breathing had evened out, Jisung felt Chenle's hand slide away from his face. He felt himself almost starting to cry yet again, before Chenle's fingers slid between his own and his thumb started rubbing his hand. Chenle's head pulled away from Jisung's and tilted against the wall they were both leaning against instead. "Is this okay?" Chenle asked in a genuinely hushed and soothing voice, one that Jisung didn't know he was capable of. He couldn't tell what Chenle was referring to until he squeezed Jisung's hand ever so slightly and Jisung blushed yet again.
"Yeah. It's fine." the corners of his mouth tilted ever so slightly before he realised and stopped himself. But Chenle didn't even try to stop himself. He had already noticed Jisung's mistake and smiled back widely himself. This only made Jisung feel shy and bashfully smile at the floor.
"Your smile is so pretty." Chenle stated, as if it was the most obvious fact in the galaxy. Jisung's eyes shot up to the other boy's face, who was now giggling at Jisung's reaction. Jisung quickly looked back down to the floor as he felt the flustered feeling spread all over his head.
As Chenle's giggles quietened down, Jisung tilted his head against the wall, before realising just how close their faces were. He could feel Chenle's breath against his lips. He felt an involuntary sound creeping up his throat, but swallowed hard to keep it down. "Are you feeling any better?" Chenle spoke in a deep voice, quiet and gentle on Jisung's currently sensitive ears.
"I do feel better right now." Jisung responded, his voice still weak and raspy.
"Right now?" Chenle's eyebrows curled in confusion. "Why right now?"
Jisung couldn't stop the words from coming out. "Because you're here." His eyes widened the second after he let it slip from his lips, having shocked himself with the obvious "line". He didn't know how to repair that. So he just stayed silent, red in the face and frozen. He only barely noticed Chenle's small smile before he registered that they were somehow even closer to one another. He felt their noses brush together and this time, he didn't think fast enough to stop the involuntary sound falling off his lips. A hushed whimper spilled into the shared breathing space between them. Chenle's head was back where it was before, pressed against Jisung's, and Jisung couldn't stop himself from glancing down at his best friend's lips. His best friend, he thought. This was not normal, and he knew it. But he didn't care. It felt so much better than anything he had ever done before. So much more natural. He wanted this. So bad.
His mouth was slightly open, trying to maximise his air intake as the air around him suddenly got so hot.
"Can I?" He felt Chenle's breath against his tongue, and his nose brushed against Jisung's once more.
"Please." It came out much more whiny than he had expected, but he wasn't even ashamed anymore as his best friend's lips melted into his own, their synchronisation making Jisung feel like he had been missing this his whole life. Chenle. Just Chenle. They seemed to fall into a trance as the taste and feeling of one another became addictive. Jisung only realised what was happening when he felt a hand sliding up his arm and towards his neck, the thumb rubbing against his jugular. Another hand had slid up his leg and was squeezing his thigh. Jisung couldn't help but grab onto the front of Chenle's shirt and pull his body even closer as he released yet another whimpering noise. That was a cue for Chenle to lick at Jisung's bottom lip, subtly asking for permission to take this further. It wasn't even a question for Jisung. He let his mouth fall open and Chenle was immediately there, lapping at the other's tongue with his own. The feeling made Chenle groan slightly, and Jisung's fist clenched tighter on his shirt in response, another whimper falling from his occupied lips. He felt breathless in the best way, so didn't even attempt to pull away to breathe. He didn't want to stop and could tell that neither did Chenle.
A few minutes later, Chenle had explored Jisung's entire mouth and wanted to find out some more about the boy, so his hands fell to his hips and pulled slightly, inviting Jisung to come closer. Jisung took this offer with delight, climbing onto the other's lap and leaning back onto the other's knees as Chenle slid his back further up the wall for a more comfortable position. They both quickly found each other's lips again and got right back into the flow of the situation. Chenle's hands had drifted from Jisung's tiny waist to his hips, just above his ass that was sat in a place that he didn't want to dwell too much on, though he found that to be extremely difficult with how fidgety Jisung could be. Jisung's hands found purchase against Chenle's chest again, occasionally grasping at his shirt when he felt to overwhelmed, so the entire time really.
After a few more minutes, Chenle leaned his head back against the wall, looking up at Jisung with so much adoration. Jisung felt hot under his stare and missed the feeling of his lips.
"You're so hot, baby." Chenle spoke in his low voice, like he was talking to himself. Jisung whined and leaned in, hoping to find Chenle's lips again, only to be stopped by the feeling of a hand around the base of his neck, not holding him, just applying light pressure, enough to stop him in his tracks and make him roll his hips. The feeling made his head fall back and he accidentally released a moan. He felt embarrassed, but also really, really hot. He heard a growl from below him but before he could look back down, he felt Chenle's hot mouth against his neck, right next to his jugular. His teeth bit into the skin and his mouth sucked around the mark, making Jisung involuntarily move his hips faster against Chenle's torso, looking for any friction whatsoever. Like Chenle was reading his mind, he ground his hips upwards into Jisung's own, right as he bit into the other side of his neck. "Fuck!" Jisung exclaimed, the breath being knocked out of his lungs at the sensation.
"Close already?" Chenle teased. Jisung suddenly realised how weird it was to hear that from his best friend. The best friend he would play games with as a child. the best friend he would talk about girls with in his early teen years. The best friend he would vent to when he was stressed, and who would do the same back. The best friend he had talked about getting a house with in the future, somewhere in a big city. The best friend that was now making him feel so fucking good on the floor of the school toilets when they're both supposed to be in lessons. The best friend he wants to scream the name of for the rest of his life, disturbing the neighbours and almost getting kicked out of several apartments. He's not even mad.
°•°•°•°•°•°•
Them walking out of that toilet block must have been the most comedic moment in either of their lives. To set the scene, they both styled matching red faces and disheveled hair, with Chenle rocking a creased shirt and Jisung showing off his abundance of blossoming purple and red bite marks, trailing all over his jaw and neck and deep down into his collar line and, to top it all off, their non-chalant "we did not just fuck I swear" facial expressions. Glancing up and down the corridor to avoid any other unsuspecting students, they made a bee-line for Chenle's locker where he knew he kept a hoodie to hide Jisung's Vincent Van Gogh "Starry Night"-lookin' neck. The only problem was that it was on the other side of the school.
Why Jisung decided to come instead of waiting, Chenle didn't know. He just thought he was too cute and didn't really want to leave him alone either. But luckily, it was still lesson time, so there was hardly anyone in the halls. So there they were, running through the halls Breakfast Club-style, dodging teachers and the odd student, until they reached Chenle's locker. He made quick work of opening it and grabbing the hoodie, buried underneath about 5 textbooks, 3 folders and a bag of snacks. "You're a mess." Jisung joked.
"Look, do you want the hoodie or not?" Chenle reiterated, his eyes wide as if he were scolding a child.
"Yes, yes, I'm sorry!" Jisung giggled, taking the hoodie from Chenle's hands. Chenle jabbed quickly at Jisung's stomach, making him bend over and jump backwards dramatically. He pulled the hoodie over himself, surprised that it was kind of big on him.
"Not as big as you thought you were, huh?" Chenle quirked his eyebrow and Jisung blushed, once again, at his remark. He pulled up the hood and tugged the strings tight around his head, making Chenle coo at him. "You baby." And Jisung swore he could somehow hear the star emojis and "uwu" emoticon in his voice. Chenle walked closer to him, holding his sweater paws and then looking around to make sure no one was there. He then leaned in to quickly steal another kiss, lingering too long for it to be classed as a peck. "What lesson have you got now?" Chenle asked, still holding Jisung's sweater paws, now leaning against the lockers.
"I think Chemistry?" Jisung puffed out his cheeks in thought. Chenle was enamored.
"You okay to go? I can stay with you if you want me to." Chenle reasoned. Jisung's eyes dropped to the ground as he smiled.
"I'm definitely feeling better right now. I might even learn something in Chem." Jisung chuckled.
"Wouldn't that be a miracle." Chenle smiled. The other then pushed his shoulder lightly, making him giggle.
"I'm gonna miss you." Jisung mumbled towards his feet. Chenle leaned in further, smiling.
"That's cheesy and disgusting but you're cute so I'm gonna miss you too." He punctuated his statement with a kiss on the other's lips. Followed by another one. Then another. And another. They were both really lost in each other. And they didn't want to be anything else.