a fic based of the Paramore song “The Only Exception” requested by this anon. Sorry it took so long if you are there. Writers block is…yeah.
My parents, weren’t the best to me and my sister growing up, I know this. I’ve known it for a long while. But I’ve never really understood it. Maybe I could have had a chance to understand it though, to make sense of it, if I had at least saw them be good to each other.
But no, that wasn’t the case. We were always to be left to be brought up by nannies, pushed into all manner of activities, even sometimes forgotten. Just so they could…argue? Hate each other? All energy that just as easily could be thrown into us, their two daughters. I can only assume that all their fighting in public and what they probably thought was private, was all to hold on to something that they once had, something before me and my sister came along. That’s why we were cast aside right? It was an illusion they were trying to create.
Even when their focus was on us, it wasn’t really on us, but some ulterior motive. My sister and I just pawns in mind games of power, where the prizes were bragging rights and who had the most accomplished daughter amongst all the other daughters and sons of other business men. All daughters and sons probably just like me.
I actually remember trying my damn hardest at these events and silly competitions too. Even knowing all that, that it wasn’t for really me, it was for them, for the right to brag. But also, I guess I did do it for me, just a little bit. because if even for a short while, their pride for me, it was real right? They would walk around parties and galas together arm in arm, beaming about our accomplishments, smiling the whole time, looking at each other with affection. But it never lasting, just for them to come home and recoil in horror anytime the other came to close.
“If this is love, then I don’t want it.” Is what I often said to myself, swore to myself.
That was me deciding to avoided it, anyway I could. I had relationships of course, but none that would last longer than a few months, none considered serious either. I enjoyed them for the time that they lasted, but never once did I want to risk getting hurt or the relationships turning sour and bitter.
So, I became sour and bitter instead over the years, and all of this is why when my Junior year came around, I was so set on a guy that I could never really, truly have, who would never really be there for me. Because I wouldn’t have been either, not forever. Whether I knew it or not, I went for Chris because he was emotionally unavailable, just like I was. And that suited me perfectly. So, I thought.
Because then she came a long, and she completely changed that for him, for both of us it would later turn out. She was happy, free and kind, even after my coffee-soaked greeting. I didn’t really know it then, but me keeping Chris from her, was really me, keeping myself away from her. A start of nearly a year of keeping her at bay.
Until she wouldn’t really let me and we waved the white flag.
I really did intend for it to be just a fling, for it to not last just like all the others. But she made it difficult just like she made everything else before difficult. She made it hard to let go, but easy to stay just by being herself, completely unapologetic-ally. She did everything they didn’t and more. She stood up to me when few would, and set me on a better path. She was proud of me when no one else was, and she meant it. She was there for me when I needed it and she stayed, even when I didn’t need her to.
If this is love, then maybe I do want it.
Last Fic: There, With You (NSFW)
