I write for all the members but generally have a stronger connection with Keito Kota and Kei. However because of school, it takes me a very long time to put out new content.
“Alright, now, Kota, if you could give her a kiss on the cheek.”
You tensed at the photographer’s words, but tried to keep the smile on your face. This was work. You needed to focus. No matter how much you hated him right now, this was work. Forcing the smile to reach your eyes, you leaned into Kota as he pressed his lips lightly to your cheek.
When the photographer had gotten the shots he wanted, he told you and Kota that you could relax before moving on to the next outfit, scenario, location. You weren’t really listening. As soon as he said that you could take a break, you all but shoved Kota off of you.
He reached out to you, grabbing hold of your hand before you got too far away from him. “Come on, (Y/N). Talk to me.”
You didn’t want to hear anything he had to say. It wouldn’t change anything. You had fooled yourself into believing that your relationship was anything more than close photoshoots and scripted kisses. You were angry and upset, but there was no one you could really blame but yourself.
Pulling away from him, you said, “There’s nothing to talk about.”
You honestly hated looking at him. You were thankful that the movie filming was done. You were thankful that roadshows wouldn’t last that long, that at the end of this month you would both go back to your group activities and only have to see each other for passing moments at music shows.
You weren’t new to acting. This was your fifth movie and it surely wouldn’t be your last. You were used to putting on fronts for photoshoots and it wasn’t like you to get wrapped up in scripts, to confuse fiction with how you really felt about someone. But this movie with Kota had been different. You thought, no, you knew that there was chemistry there. You had sworn up and down that whatever feelings you developed for him over the filming process were real and reciprocated. From the way he talked to you, looked at you, checked in on you, you just knew that Kota felt something for you. But that was before an unannounced trip to his dressing room led you to catching Kota being more than a little friendly with one of the stylists.
While she had seemed unbothered and had left the room without sparing your a glance, Kota’s face expressed something else. He looked guilty, like you were his girlfriend and had just caught him cheating. And, even though that wasn’t the case, that’s definitely what if felt like. Muttering a quick, “I should go”, you left the room before he could even start to explain himself.
“(Y/N), can you please talk to me?” Kota pleaded following you towards the refreshment table. He was drawing attention. From the corner of your eye, you could see some of the staff watching the two of you, whispering to each other.
“Now is really not the time, Kota.” You grabbed a juice from the smaller cooler and took a sip.
“Then when is the time? I’ll wait. I...I wanna make it up to you.” Against your better judgment, you turned to look him in the eye. Sure enough he was still wearing that same expression. Before you could answer him, your stylist called for you. You needed to change clothes for the next shoot. You told her you were coming before looking back at Kota, the polite smile on your face instantly dropping.
“I’m only doing this because you left me no choice.”
Kei smiled at you widely, eyes dark as he took a step towards you. Instinctively, you moved back, feeling your body press against the cool metal of the lockers. The hallway was just barely lit, the red glow from the emergency lights shining on his face. Kei’s normally bouncy brown hair was slicked to his forehead from sweat, white hockey mask pulled back to rest on top of his head and the fabric of his costume sticking to his skin, dark in places where the blood was thick.
“I didn’t ask for much, (Y/N). I just wanted you to love me.”
February 20
There was something about your new classmate that bothered Hikaru. He wasn’t sure what it was because everyone else, including you, believed him to be a good guy. But there was still just something about Inoo Kei that bothered Hikaru to no end. And he told you this after you announced that Kei had asked you out.
He had approached you during lunch, catching you just before you sat with Hikaru and some more friends of yours. Lunch tray in hand, you smiled at Kei.
“Hey, did you want to come sit with us?” You asked, nodding your head in the direction of your table. He returned your smile almost instantly but told you that was okay, that he had to meet with a teacher soon about a project.
“I just wanted to ask you something.” He looked nervous, running his hands over the legs of his pants before asking, “Do you want to see a movie with me on Saturday?”
This caught you a little off guard, but Kei was handsome and had always been nice to you. You weren’t involved with anyone and since the end of your last relationship, you hadn’t been out with anyone, either. So, having someone attractive and seemingly sweet like Kei asking you out was nice. What was the worst that could happen?
“Well,” Hikaru said pointedly in between bites of his burger. “He could stand you up. Or he could turn out to be a total pervert. Or he could kidnap you or-“
You rolled your eyes and reached over to steal one of the fries from his tray after you had finished all your own. “You’re being way too dramatic. It’s a movie. Nothing like that is going to happen.”
“No, you’re being way too relaxed. I mean, you barely know this guy.”
“Yeah,” you replied with a shrug. Outside of class you had never really talked to Kei so it was true that there was a lot about him that you didn’t know. But you did know that he was friendly and always smiled at you or said hi in the mornings while waiting for class to start and was more than willing to share his notes with you on the off chance that you had spaced out or missed a class. “But you barely know him, too, so it’s not really fair for you to make all these assumptions about what kind of person he is.”
“Maybe…” Hikaru took a long sip from his soda before sighing. “But I still say there’s something wrong with him…”
Your eyes darted from Kei’s face down to the blade in his hand, dripping blood onto the white linoleum tiles. He followed your gaze before laughing. It was a cold sound, not the laugh that had made you fall in love with him but instead a cruel and mocking one that sent shivers down your spine and left the hairs on the back of your neck on end. Forcing yourself to meet his gaze, you tried your best to think. There had to be some way for you to get out of this hallway, somewhere safe. Somewhere away from your boyfriend.
“(Y/N), are you afraid of me?” He asked you. Kei’s grip on the blade tightened as he moved towards you. You shook your head no, the biggest lie you had ever told in your life. He reached out to place his free hand on your cheek, smearing a bit of blood over your skin as he did. You tried to bite back the tears that were forming in your eyes. You needed to think. You needed to get away from him. You needed to not think about where or rather who that blood had come from.
May 10
“You’re still seeing him?” Hikaru asked the question bitterly, his eyes still focused straight ahead as he drove. From the back seat, you hoped he could see you roll your eyes. If nothing else, Kota and Yuya definitely noticed, both of them chuckling.
“Come on, Hika, don’t be like that,” Kota said, tapping the other on the shoulder. “(Y/N) is happy and it’s been a while since things ended with Daiki. Let them enjoy dating.”
You smiled triumphantly at the encouragement from Kota. He was right. You were happy, so much so that the mention of your ex-boyfriend didn’t bother you nearly as much as it might have before you started seeing Kei.
Daiki had been your first, well, everything. First crush. First kiss. First boyfriend. First time. And so, when things with him ended, you were devastated. But, spending time with these three and the added attention you were getting from your new relationship with Kei were working wonders to make you forget all about him.
Kei was sweet and affectionate and considerate. He listened and the two of you could talk to each other for hours about any and everything, sometimes just being on the phone simply to be on the phone, neither of you having anything really important or specific to talk about. He remembered little details about you that, even after years of being friends, even Hikaru tended to forget. Kei was thoughtful and he made you feel important.
“You’re only saying that because you haven’t met the guy.” Hikaru made the turn into your neighborhood. “He’s…I don’t know…There’s just something off about him and how he always wants to spend time with (Y/N). I get being in the honeymoon stage or whatever, but he’s too much.”
“Just remember all the crap you’re talking about him now the next time I make even one comment about the people you choose to date.”
Reaching into your pocket, you turned your phone back on, having forgotten to do so after the four of you had left the movie theatre.
Yuya gave you a reassuring look. “I don’t see anything wrong with wanting to be with the person you’re dating.”
“There isn’t anything wrong with it,” you agreed causing Hikaru to scoff. Once your phone had finished starting up, you were surprised by the several repeated pings as messages flowed in from the past two hours. All of them from Kei.
[Inoo-Chan] Have fun at the movie~
[Inoo-Chan] You said you were going with Hikaru and who else?
[Inoo-Chan] Has the movie started?
[Inoo-Chan] Message me back
Your scrolling was interrupted by a photo of you and Inoo flashing across the screen, an incoming call.
“Hello?”
“Hey!” You could practically hear the smile on his face. “Did you have a good time?”
“Yeah. The boys are dropping me off at my place as we speak.”
Yuya and Kota both looked at you curiously, Hikaru eyeing you slightly from the rearview mirror. As you were talking, he was making the last turn before your street.
“Oh! I see you!” Kei said. It took you a second to understand what he meant, turning to looking out the window. Sure enough, as you got closer, you could see Kei standing on the sidewalk in front of your house, smiling as he waved at you. Now Yuya and Kota locked eyes with each other, Kota’s earlier words tasting a bit strange.
September 15
Hikaru finally stopped laughing, wiping the tears from the corners of his eyes, when he realized that he was the only one who found the situation funny. Kei was still standing in front of him, eyes blank and expression serious and unchanged. They were in the hallway in front of Hikaru’s locker, the school building fairly empty at this point aside from the students who were in clubs and the teachers who were grading papers. He had just been on his way to joing Kota in the student council room.
“You’re being serious?” Hikaru asked. Kei nodded and suddenly that sick feeling Hikaru had gotten when they first met returned. The smile on his face turned instantly downwards and he readjusted his backpack on his shoulder, trying to put together his thoughts.
“I’ve been friends with (Y/N) since we were in elementary school,” he said gently. Kei’s expression was calm but something about the way he was looking at Hikaru said that, if he said even something slightly wrong, it wouldn’t end well. He wanted to do his best to explain this without causing any problems. “I get that you’re in a relationship, but I’m not going to stop being friends with (Y/N) just because you’re feeling jealous.”
Kei smiled slightly and placed a hand on Hikaru’s shoulder, the slight motion enough to make Hikaru flinch a little. There was something wrong in Kei’s smile.
“I wasn’t asking. You will stay away from (Y/N).”
There were three potential exits that you could use, one on either end of the hallway and then the bathroom directly behind Kei. If you were fast, you could go in and climb out the window. You were on the back wing of the school so directly outside the window was a forest. It wouldn’t be very difficult to lose him if you went that way. But that was if you were fast. The easier way would be to the exit on your left. It was closer so all you had to do was run. With the school being in lock down mode, though, you weren’t sure how far you would be able to get, how many of the doors would be unlocked once you got out of this hallway.
Kei smiled at you and, for a split second, you could see him. You could see the person that you had fallen in love with, his eyes softening just enough for you to see how much he cared about you. It was gone, though, almost as soon as it had resurfaced. You blinked your eyes in an attempt to clear your head. You couldn’t let yourself think like that. Regardless of how much he said he loved you, that wasn’t what this was. This wasn’t love. No matter how many soft gazes and light touches Kei gave you. This wasn’t love.
“I just want us to be together,” he said softly. “And, now that I’ve taken care of everyone else, we can be! Just the two of us, (Y/N). Doesn’t that sound nice?”
His words rang like alarms in your head. Just the two of you…”Taken care of”...You needed to find a way out.
Kei closed the space between the two of you to press his lips against you, pushing you into the lockers. You didn’t move, not instantly pushing him away but not responding to the kiss either. He noticed this and, in return, kissed you more harshly, pushing for some sort of reaction. Mustering up what courage you had, you started to kiss him back, moving one hand to rest in between his shoulder blades and the other to the hand holding the blade.
He was excited that you were responding to him, happy that you were giving him what it was that he wanted most in the whole world: your attention. So much so that he was distracted enough to drop the blade, releasing his grip on the handle so that he could intertwine his fingers with yours. Without detaching your lips from his, you found the blade with your foot and kicked it lightly so that it was out of his reach.
The next few motions happened very quickly and required you to swallow every ounce of fear you had up until then. You bit down hard on Kei’s bottom lip and, once he pulled away, stomped down hard on his foot, digging your heel into his toes. Once he had let go of you, you shoved him against the lockers and made a bee line into the bathroom, pulling the trash can from beneath one of the sinks and using it to hoist yourself up to the window. It took a few good pushes for you to get it open, the cool autumn breeze biting at your cheeks once the panel was pushed back.
“(Y/N), why are you trying to run away from my love?”
Quickly you started to climb through the window and onto the extended tree branch outside, making it almost all the way out when Kei grabbed at your ankle, his fingers digging into the fabric of your jeans. He called your name again, his tone frightening. You kicked at him to get him to let go and finally made it fully onto the branch but not without him slashing at you with his blade, tearing the fabric of your pants and grazing the skin.
As Kei was beginning to lift himself up to try and follow you, you had already started making your way down the tree and onto the ground. You winced upon landing. The wound wasn’t deep but it stung and you could already feel the thin stream of blood start to slide down your calf towards your ankle.
Taking a second to remember which way was the main road, you started running, not looking back. You couldn’t look back, not even after hearing the thud of him landing on the ground or the sound of your name being yelled into the darkness.
September 16
“I’m telling you that your boyfriend is crazy and you’re accusing me of being jealous?”
Hikaru couldn’t even begin to process what could possibly be going through your head. You and Kei had been dating for several months now, Hikaru honestly surprised that your relationship survived summer vacation. He had been less than pleased when he came back from vacation to find the two of you kissing on one of the benches outside of school.
He had tried to mind his business up until then, to not interfere since he seemed to be the only one who had a problem with Kei and maybe he was just reading too much into a problem that didn’t exist. But after Kei had cornered him after school, Hikaru had no choice. No matter how much Kota and Yuya tried to tell him he should let you be happy, he couldn’t let that happiness involve Kei. And it certainly wasn’t because he was jealous.
“I know you’ve had a crush on me since first year, Hika,” you replied. “But that’s no reason to make up things about Kei or try to break us up.”
Hikaru groaned in exasperation. “This literally has nothing to do with me and everything to do with you and your safety. Yesterday, he basically threatened me to stay away from you and you wanna know what I found in my locker today, (Y/N)?” Reaching into his pocket, Hikaru pulled out a piece a paper and shoved it at you.
You unfolded it to reveal a very disturbingly graphic drawing of a mutilated body, Hikaru’s name scrawled across the top in harsh handwriting. Your eyes widened as you stared at it, the detail and frighteningly anatomically accurate body parts almost making you gag. Balling the paper back up, you shoved it at Hikaru.
“Whoever did that—because there’s no way in hell Kei would do that—is seriously messed up and you need to report that to administration.”
All your best friend could do was stare at you in absolute disbelief. How could you possibly be that blinded by your feelings for this boy that nothing he was saying was getting through to you? What would it take for Hikaru to get you to understand that Kei was bad news?
Your phone buzzed and your smiled slightly when you saw the notification from Kei. Looking back up to Hikaru, your smile faltered just a little as you stood to leave the dinner table. “I have to go meet Kei. Call me when you’re done accusing my boyfriend of being a psychopath okay? And be sure to report whoever left that picture.”
It wasn’t long before you made it around to the front of the school, clothes slightly torn from where you had brushed into low branches, your face scratched a bit. Stumbling out of the woods and onto the sidewalk, you made the sharp right that would lead you back towards the festival. You needed to find someone. The whole neighborhood had come to this damned Halloween carnival. There had to be someone who could help you.
Passing through the arch that student council had spent hours putting together and hanging fake cobwebs from, you tried to find help. The spooky playlist that one of the underclassmen—Yuto might have been his name—had put together was still playing through the speakers that had been hidden in hay and beside jack o lanterns. It was doing nothing to ease your nerves. You felt better, though, once you spotted Kota sitting outside of the haunted house.
You called out to him, confused when they didn’t respond. However, his inaction made sense when you got closer. He was dressed as a mummy, but his dirtied bandages were stained red with blood where deep gashes had been made in his torso, eyes staring blankly at the ground. You moved carefully around him and further into the carnival, your heart pounding in your chest as you stumbled upon more and more bodies, tears swelling in the corners of your eyes.
There were so many, all left carelessly where they had fallen, the grass of the school yard sticky and dark with blood. There were super heroes, vampires, zombies, men, women, classmates. They had all come out to celebrate, to have a good time. How were any of them supposed to know that this was going to happen to them? Realistically, you knew that this wasn’t your fault. You weren’t the one that hurt them and you certainly hadn’t known that Kei would fly off the deep end just to get your attention. But still you felt responsible.
“I told you.” The voice from behind frightened you and you turned quickly, eyes wide and arms up in defense. Kei stood a few feet behind you, eyes dark and cold. He was smiling at you, the sight of it in the glow from the cheap lanterns sending a shiver up your spine. “We can be together now. Just the two of us.”
September 20
When Kota asked you to help with the Halloween carnival, you were a bit hesitant. You wanted to help because he was friend and because he seemed really excited about it, but you had never been terribly involved in school activities.
Kei, who had been sitting at the table with the two of you, interrupted long enough to say, “I think it’s a great idea.” He was smiling, his hand resting on top of yours and his gaze moving from you to Kota. “If you want, I can help, too.”
Kota eyed Kei warily. Student council definitely needed help, but he wasn’t sure how to feel about your boyfriend. He seemed normal enough and treated you nicely which was good. But, after what he had heard from Hikaru, Kota wasn’t sure what to believe. Before he could say anything, though, you and Kei had already started talking about what you could do to help and what kind of costumes you could wear. Letting out a deep breath, Kota smiled at the both of you.
“Great,” he said. “We’re meeting after school to plan the games and events, so I guess I’ll see the both of you then.”
And so you ended up spending the last bit of September and most of October working on the Halloween carnival. It was lots of running around, gathering supplies and decorating, the small field next to the school slowly but surely turning into a fair ground. It had been Kei’s idea to have a haunted house so the two of you spent most of your time working on that, Kei surprising you a bit with how extreme he was making it. You vaguely remembered the drawing that Hikaru had showed you.
“How do you know about all this stuff?” You asked one day as the two of you were painting the walls with fake blood. Kei shrugged his shoulders, a soft smile on his face.
“I just really like horror movies.”
Your heart was pounding fiercely in your chest as you took a step back. Kei followed your motions exactly and, once again, he smiled at you the way he had before. Before he had started killing your friends to keep you to himself. Before he had murdered an entire neighborhood as some sort of tantrum to get your attention. He looked soft, kind, as he reached out for you.
“Stop running away from me,” he said. “If you keep trying to leave me, (Y/N), I don’t know what I would do.”
What more could he possibly do? There was nothing left for him to destroy. He had already taken everything from you.
“Why are you doing this? Why me?”
Kei chuckled. “Isn’t it obvious? Because I love you. I can’t live without you, (Y/N). And I won’t let anyone get in the way of us being together.”
Halloween – 7 PM
On your way to change into your costume so that you could help in the haunted house, you had decided to head to the first-floor English classroom that student council had been using as a meeting room. You had a question for Hikaru and hadn’t seen him out at the carnival so you figured he would be inside. Reaching out for the doorknob, you stopped when you heard a scream from inside and a crash.
Fingers resting on the doorknob and eyes wide, you looked through the small glass window, body frozen in fear. The desks closer to the window had been pushed aside, some on their sides. Amid the desks were two figures, one crouching over the other, arm raising repeatedly, swinging down hard to bring a blade sharply into the chest of the either. You could just barely make out Hikaru’s face, cheeks splattered lightly with blood and eyes glazed over, lips still parted in a silent scream.
You tried to find your feet, to pull yourself out of what you were seeing and back into your body so that you could run, so that you could get him. But the sight and the deranged laughter coming from the other person left you stuck. When they got up, you noticed that the person was dressed as Jason, dark trench coat and white hockey mask only adding to the terror of the whole thing. They turned towards the door as they pulled their mask up onto their head, all the feeling returning to your body the second you saw their face, the second you saw Kei’s face.
Hikaru had been right. That thought bit at you as you sat in the passenger seat of Kei’s car. He was humming a song as he drove, practically bouncing with excitement. He had told you he wanted to take you somewhere and, after he had practically dragged you and thrown you into the car, you were resigned to not fight, at least not while he had his blade in his hand.
Before he left the school parking lot, Kei had been “kind” enough to bandage up the cut he had given you on your calf and the small wound you had gotten from him digging the tip of it into your cheek, kissing you on the forehead gently before getting into the driver’s seat. You noted that he had thrown his blade in the backseat and you kept going back and forth with yourself on what you should do.
He was distracted with driving and with his ramblings of the life the two of you would have together now that you were alone. He sounded like a child who had just gotten everything he had asked Santa for on Christmas.
“We can get married and get cats and you would never have to leave the house because I would take care of you and-“
His voice started to fade into the background as you rushed to come up with a plan. Kei was turning onto the main road in town. If nothing else, you could try to find a phone, call for help. But first you needed to get out of the car. There was no way that he was going to stop on his own, even if you tried to lie and make up a reason why he should. He had made it clear that any more attempts at running wouldn’t end well.
But what did it matter? Why did it matter? Everyone you loved was dead and you were sitting in the passenger seat with the person who had killed them. There was nothing left for you outside of the car, nothing for you to return to, so why did it matter if it ended well? You just needed it to end. You needed to stop this, stop him, before anyone else got hurt.
The road was empty except for Kei’s car. You took this into account as you, yet again, swallowed your fear and any preservations you might have had, and reached over to take the steering wheel. Kei was yelling at you and trying to shove you back into the passenger’s seat but you held tightly to the wheel, veering the car to the left with all your might. The combined force of you and Kei spinning the wheel in opposite directions caused the car to flip and you to be slammed against the door, the glass on the window cracking slightly and opening a gash on your right temple.
The car did 3 rotations before finally landing on its roof and skidding to a stop. Kei hadn’t moved since the car stopped and your whole body ached from the impact, but after a quick mental check to see if you could still move, you found his blade and forced your door open, tumbling out of the car onto the pavement. Clutching the blade tightly in your hand, you kept your eyes on the car and you eased your way back, ignoring the aching pain that shot down your right side.
He still hadn’t moved and there was no sign of him getting out of the car. Gathering your strength and taking in a deep breath, you did your best to run, limping slightly as you headed towards the police station.
2 Weeks Later
“And after the terrible events that took place at the Municipal Halloween Carnival, city police are looking into-“
You turned the TV off, not in the mood to hear any more about what had happened. You had had more than enough to interviews, news footage, and all the looks from passersby who felt pity for the Lone Survivor of That Night. You were tired and just wanted to stop thinking about it. It was already bad enough that you were stuck in a hospital.
Your physical injuries from that night had all healed, but because what you had been through couldn’t be described as anything less than traumatic, the hospital staff thought it would be a good idea to keep you under surveillance and to have you attend a few therapy sessions just to make sure that you were fine like you kept claiming to be.
“You need to eat.” Your nurse’s voice made you jump slightly since you hadn’t heard her enter the room. She eyed the basically untouched tray of food in front of you and gave you a disapproving look.
“I’m not hungry,” you grumbled.
“You need to eat before you go to your session. Everyone wants to make sure you’re doing alright.”
You knew she meant well, but her tone felt condescending. Still, you opened the pudding that was on your tray and unwrapped the spoon. She smiled at you and started to leave the room before stopping and turning around.
“Right, before I forget!” She reached into her pocket and pulled out an envelope, handing it to you. “This was dropped off for you.”
And with that, she left. Spoon still partially in your mouth, you opened the envelope. Tucked inside was a letter and a couple of polaroid photos. It took you a second to be sure what you were looking at in the photos, your eyes widening the longer you looked at them. There were pictures of you in your hospital room as you watched TV, slept, undressed. You threw them down on the bed and opened the letter, your breathing quickening as you read, the heart monitor beside your bed, beeping rapidly.
Two nurses entered your room, both of them looking at you with worried expressions, but you couldn’t hear what they were saying. You could barely think straight, your body shutting down from panic and your vision becoming blurred by tears.
“What’s wrong?”
“They were fine not even five minutes ago!”
One of them snatched the letter from your hand while the other tried to help you out of the bed.
“Someone call the police!”
“(Y/N), can you hear me? I need you to look at me.”
“They’re not responding. Bring me a tranquilizer.”
One of the nurses pulled back the sleeve of your gown and stuck a needle into your arm. Slowly, you could feel your heart rate dropping, your eyes heavy as your body fell to rest against the nurse that was holding you. Even in your hazed state, you couldn’t get those words out of your mind.
They’re keeping you locked up in there. Don’t worry. We’ll be together again soon.
Keito hated to admit it, but he reached for his phone just a little too quickly. He was hoping, to no avail, that it would be a message from you, a sign from you. Disappointed, he read and replied to the text from Ryosuke about their plans for tomorrow and then went back to what he was doing.
He was supposed to be working on a chord arrangement for a new song, but his mind kept drifting to you. Where were you? What were you doing? Did you miss him? Had you been thinking about him nearly half as much as he had been thinking about you? There were so many things that Keito wanted to know, wanted to ask you, but he wasn’t sure how to.
It had already been about a week since the last time the two of you talked. He had reached out once in that time, a quick text to see if you could have dinner with him, but the lack of reply was discouraging. His friends had told him that, if he was serious about you, he needed to reach out again. He shouldn’t give up and definitely shouldn’t be alright with not talking to you for that long. That wasn’t how a relationship was supposed to work, they said.
Keito had to remind them, and sometimes himself, that what the two of you had wasn’t a relationship. It was…Well, what it was Keito wasn’t sure. He just knew that whatever it was had rules that the two of you had established when you first started seeing each other. At first it had been purely coincidental, running into each other on the streets or in restaurants in the neighborhood so much that you figure you had to at least properly introduce yourselves to each other. But you were busy, focused on your career that was only just really getting started, and had made it very clear that you weren’t looking for anything, especially nothing serious.
When you walked into your usual bar, the woman at the counter told you that your friend was already waiting for you. Confused, your eyes widened a little when you noticed her gesture to a table in the corner where a dark-haired man sat, book in hand, half empty glass on the table in front of him. Thanking her, you made your way towards him, taking the seat across from him. Keito looked up at you, surprise turning into a soft smile since he hadn’t been expecting you.
“Did you tell the waitress we were friends?” Your bluntness caught him off-guard but Keito laughed and shook his head.
“No, I didn’t,” he said. “She probably just assumed since we’ve run into each other here a lot lately. But, aren’t we technically drinking buddies? Since this is where I see you the most…”
You though about it, recounting the past few weekends before nodding. “Alright. We can be drinking buddies. But no personal questions.”
“Like what?”
“Age, job, where we live, things like that.”
Keito thought it over before extending his hand out for you to shake. “Alright. Sounds like a deal.”
Yuto and Ryosuke suspected that you were interested, though. It didn’t make sense to them that you would go so far out of your way to make such clearly defined boundaries if you didn’t also know that there was a chance of something growing between the two of you. At first Keito thought they were exaggerating, but the gaps between conversations had only grown larger since the two of you had begun to let personal things slip. He could feel the gap between the two of you closing the last time you went out together, the conversations becoming a bit more flirtatious and open, and maybe that had scared you, the fact that you were breaking your own rules. Honestly, had he known that the distance would close as soon as it did, Keito wouldn’t have agreed to your rules.
For him it had just been fun to have someone new to talk to and hang out with. He had no thoughts of taking it further than the usual bar, the weekly recaps of stories and the bad jokes over snacks. But then he began to see you during the day, around the neighborhood, and the divide between drinking buddies and actual friends seemed to disappear. Around the same time the divide disappeared, though, so did you.
Shaking his head, Keito tried to focus back in on the song he was working on. He had been at this for hours, but it never took long for him to start wondering about you again. You didn’t know that he was a musician. He wondered if you would like the songs he wrote. He wondered what it was that you did for a living. He really did miss you.
Ping.
This time he was set on ignoring it, resigned to the fact that no matter how much he wished for it, it wouldn’t be you. His eyes still drifted, though, to the phone beside his keyboard, his eyes widening when he saw the message waiting for him.
Have you already eaten?
He opened the message and started typing a reply but, before he could hit send, another one from you arrived.
I really want to see you.
Keito’s thumb seemed to be frozen, hovering over the send button. You had been set on never saying things like that, scolding him the one time he let that phrase slip himself. He couldn’t believe it honestly. Quickly erasing the message he had previously typed, he wrote another one.
Hello! How is everyone?? Just wanted to do a small life update since I know I haven’t posted anything in a while.
I’ve been working a lot in a what feels like pointless attempt to save money for my next study abroad trip as well as grad school. And when I’m not at work? I’m studying. “But school is out, why are you studying?” Great question! I’m studying for entrance exams and also working on my honors thesis so I’ve essentially kissed my summer vacation goodbye lol.
But I don’t want to do the same with this blog! My work schedule is becoming a bit more consistent and I’ve worked out a semi decent study schedule as well so hopefully I can get back to posting on here and hsj at least once a week or so.
But enough about me! I hope everyone is doing okay and staying safe and hydrated since it’s getting hotter. I’m going to get lunch and try to work on a fic (i’m sad about Keito so it’ll most likely be for him) before I have to go to work.
Ryosuke had never been the jealous type. Why would he be? He was comfortable with himself and what he had. He was happy with his friends, family, life. He had never really wanted to be anyone else.
Until he saw the way you looked at Yuto.
He was sure that he noticed it before either of you did. As someone who was close to you, someone who had always been in tune to your emotions and understood you, Ryosuke had a habit of noticing things about you before other people did. He had always been looking at you, as his best friend and one of the first people he had ever loved, so he knew very well what that face meant.
Your lips were just barely lifted into a smile as you listened to Yuto ramble about this trip he had taken recently and all the good photos he had gotten. But your eyes were so bright they were almost blinding. It was a face you had never worn before, one Ryosuke had never seen and hated that he wasn't on the receiving end of.
As the three of you continued with lunch, finished plates being pushed to the center of the table to make room for Yuto's camera, Ryosuke couldn't seem to pull himself out of his mind.
He wondered when it started. At what point had this gone from his casually introducing the two of you at a Christmas party to him feeling like the third wheel? Turning his eyes away from you to Yuto, Ryosuke was suddenly afraid that the feeling was mutual. And he realized that his was selfish of him, but he couldn't help it.
He had always been there for you, supported you, taken care of you. You barely knew Yuto. So why him? Why was he the one you looked at is if he were the only one in the room?
"Ryosuke?"
The feel of your hand on his forearm pulled Ryosuke from his thoughts. Your eyes had dimmed, worry for your friend distorting your features.
"Hm?"
"We're about to head out. Is everything okay?"
Ryosuke's eyes moved between the two of you and then he smiled. It was forced but bright, an attempt to lift the mood he had unintentionally dimmed. "Yeah, I'm fine! Just zoned out for a bit. We can go if you're both ready."
He tried to push that feigned happiness further, mentally begging the smile to reach his eyes so that you didn't stay worried. Ryosuke could see the beginning of another question forming on your lips but you let it go and returned his smile, removing your hand from his arm.
Afrer paying, the three of you left the restaurant and headed out onto the street. Somehow he ended up trailing behind you and Yuto, the two of you wrapped up in another conversation.
He was sure that neither of you meant to do this, but Ryosuke could already feel the distance forming, a line being drawn between him and the two of you. Letting out a deep breath, he forced that smile back up and jogged to rejoin you.
Daiki was stumbling over himself trying to form a coherent sentence, an apology, a rephrasing. Literally anything that would take back what he had just said. You were staring back at him in shock, eyes wide. When he had decided that he was going to tell you how he had felt, he didn’t think it would end up like this, he didn’t think he was going to tell you everything.
Standing up from his place on the couch beside you, Daiki said, “That went terribly, do you mind if we start over?” Still a little caught off guard, you nodded and watched as he left your apartment, knocked on the door and then reentered.
“(Y/N), there’s something I need to talk to you about.”
Daiki was standing in front of you, but it was as if you hadn’t seen him until now. All the things he had done for you, all the times he had gone out of his way for you. Your friends, hell, even your mother, had tried to tell you that these weren’t things “just friends” did for someone. Naïve and oblivious, you had always answered that he wasn’t just a friend, he was your best friend and, if push came to shove, you would do all the same for him. But here he was, telling you in the worst way possible that he loved you and had always loved you.
When you didn’t respond right away, Daiki prompted, “This is when you say, ‘What is it, Daiki?’”
You couldn’t put those words together. You were still trying to see him, understand him. You had known Daiki forever. Had he tried to tell you before? You remembered something at a Christmas party, the start of a serious conversation covered with a cough and a subject change. He always talked about the weather when he was nervous. How many times had he mentioned the weather to you?
“And then, and then I say, ‘You know that you’re one of the most important people in my life and I would do anything to for you. And it’s because I care about you that I need to tell you-‘”
“Stop.” You cut him off. You don’t want him to keep going, not right now when you were still processing. Not right now when there were so many things on your mind and so many questions you needed answered. Clearing your throat, you said, “When you…When you did it the first time you said something about being tired of seeing me with guys that don’t care about me. Explain.”
“(Y/N).”
“Daiki, if you know something and you’re not telling me, I swear I…” You didn’t even know how to end that sentence. You would what? There was nothing you would be able to do, because at the end of the day it wasn’t his fault, right? I mean, sure, this wasn’t the way to do any of this. You don’t show up to your best friend’s house and tell them ‘Your boyfriend is an asshole, go out with me instead.’ This was real life, not some bad teen movie.
What was bothering you the most was that you could see it. You weren’t really sure when it had happened because it wasn’t like this in the beginning, but you could see all the times that Daiki was there for you, all the times that it should have been your boyfriend with you instead. But he was too busy, out of reach, so close but so far away when you needed him and in his place?
Daiki sat down and tried his best to say what he was thinking in a calm way. The first time he had been fueled with anger and adrenaline, not thought. He never would have come all the way here, never would have started this conversation if it hadn’t been for that.
“It’s not that I know something, at least not something that you don’t know already.” Daiki leaned forward and looked you directly in the eye, face serious and voice full of sincerity as he continued. “It’s just that I don’t like seeing you like this, this person who comes last in someone else’s life when you always put them first. I’m tired of seeing you turn down plans to be with him when he would never do the same for you, would never even think to. I just want you to have what you deserve.”
Without missing a beat, you replied, “And you think what I deserve is you?” Daiki’s cheeks flared up at the quip and he started stammering through a rough explanation.
“I-I didn’t mean to say that. This was just supposed to be about him and you and I was ranting and that slipped out. I know you’ve never seen me that way and that’s fine. I was just talking, but-“
“Daiki, saying you love someone isn’t you ‘just talking’. I know you enough to know better than that.”
Sitting up straight, he frowned. “You’re right. It’s not. Maybe I did want to tell you.” Daiki kept his eyes on the floor, adjusting the words in his mouth so that he didn’t make this situation any worse than it already felt. He had crossed a line butting into your relationship and had wedged that line into a full-on crack by admitting his feelings for you. “I’m not telling you to break up with him to be with me. I wouldn’t put you in that kind of situation. What I am telling you is to break up with him. Period.”
Before you could say anything else, the door to the apartment swung open, your boyfriend Kaito stopping in the doorway when he saw you and Daiki. Even though he never voiced it, Kaito didn’t like Daiki because, even if you didn’t know, he certainly could tell how your best friend felt about you. With the heightened tension in the room, Kaito was even less excited to see Daiki than he would’ve been. Closing the door behind him, he stepped into the living room and asked, “What’s up you two?”
You looked up at Kaito, Daiki’s words still ringing in your ears. You deserved better. You deserved to be a first choice. You deserved someone who gave you as much as you gave them. But you needed to have whatever conversation you were going to have with Kaito without Daiki. You needed to handle one problem at a time and, right now, it wasn’t his confession.
Daiki could sense it, the conviction that had formed within you. Jumping up from the couch, he said, “I was just leaving,” and excused himself, rushing past Kaito out into the hallway. The door closed behind him, Daiki let out a deep breath and collected himself before turning his eyes back to your front door.
He wondered what would happen. He wondered if you were really going to break up with him and, if you did, then what? How long would it be before you got over him? How much space would you need? How much would your relationship change now that you knew how he felt? What had he been thinking coming over here?
Heading towards the elevator, Daiki tried to calm himself down. There wasn’t anything he could do now except wait and, if you would let him, be there for you once everything was over.
You could feel it. Every morning when you woke up, you could feel the same pit in the bottom of your stomach, some sadness that you couldn’t describe but also couldn’t rid yourself of. You couldn’t get rid of it because you had no idea where it stemmed from. You were happy, right? A good job, a nice apartment, friends. But still, you could feel it. This indescribable and incomprehensible feeling that something was wrong, was missing from this perfect life that you had cultivated for yourself.
You felt it the most in certain moments and places. Like the intersection in front of your favorite bookstore or the park bench across from your work place. Like the late nights staying up working on assignments or the long walks you took through the neighborhood to clear your head. Somehow, they felt empty. Sometimes you would stop in your tracks, expecting something or someone to change the momentum, alter the atmosphere and get things back to the way they were supposed to be. But had there ever even been any other way? You couldn’t remember.
Realistically, you knew. You knew that there was nothing missing. You had been in the same city with the same people for so long. You knew everyone and everything. Nothing was out of place. You knew that, but you still couldn’t shake the feeling that it was all wrong. You had been braving it, though, putting on a strong front to counteract the sadness, suppressing any thoughts of that something that was gone from you. You were doing a good job of it, too.
Until you saw him.
You had gotten good at suppressing the pain in your chest. You let it rack you in the mornings when you woke and sometimes in the late night when you couldn’t get to sleep. However, during the day, you belonged to yourself and you were better than that all-consuming sadness that you didn’t even understand. But the moment you saw him, the moment you let yourself look up from your laptop and your eyes focused in on the man entering the café, you felt it.
The second you locked eyes with him, that hole opened in your stomach and the pain you felt was too much. It was sharp and sudden, the wave of sadness and longing that began to suffocate you. Following it was a somewhat similar sensation in your head. An intense migraine that caused you to screw your eyes shut and grasp your temples in a vain attempt to contain or stop the throbbing. Through partially closed lids, you see him staring at you the same as all the other patrons who had been alarmed by your cry of pain.
You see him. But unlike everyone else in the café, you see him in waves. You see him standing there in the present, eyes full of shock, worry, sadness and something else you couldn’t decipher. You see him entering the café and walking towards the table that you normally seat at, a big smile on his face. You see him placing his umbrella in the rack by the door before moving to the counter to order himself a coffee. You see him laughing, smiling, crying, talking. All you can see is him. Even when the present him has left the café as quickly as he entered it. All you can see is him.
After the episode in the café, it seemed like the pain had gotten worse. It was hard to sleep because your mind was clouded. It was as if the door to that pain had been opened but only enough for you to know that he was on the other side, not to understand who he was or why he hurt you so much. The moments and places where you felt the pain the strongest were now coated with him, the same waves of him overlapping with your present moments.
You saw him in that intersection, on that park bench, at your desk at 3 am. These waves of him, distant enough to know that they’re not your present, but real and close enough to wonder if they once had been. Were these dreams, visions, hallucinations? Who was he? Why didn’t you remember him?
He didn’t show up in the café again and, when you asked the barista about him, she couldn’t give you any real information. She had never see him before, she had told you. You weren’t sure where else to look for him. You weren’t even sure if you should be looking for him. What if he knew nothing about these pieces of him that you were seeing? What if he had no answers? What if he thought you were crazy? But what if he did have the answers? You had seen something in his eyes that day, something that made you certain you needed to find him again.
2 years ago
“I don’t understand.” You were crying, the tears salty on the corners of your lips, your voice quivering. He was trying to steel himself, be strong so that he didn’t change his mind. He was doing it for you after all. “Kota, I don’t want this. I don’t want to forget you.”
“This was a mistake from the beginning, (Y/N).” He had broken so many rules with you. At first it didn’t seem to matter. He loved you and if loving you meant being grounded, stripped of his power, then he would do that. That’s what he thought. But Kota had played at human for too long. There was a part of him that had forgotten that this was work and you were his assignment. He was supposed to be protecting you, looking after you. But here you were in a hospital bed because he wasn’t doing his job.
“You mean the whole world to me,” Kota said. He was smiling. Not as fully or as brightly as usual. It was sad and incomplete, only one corner of his lip upturned as if he couldn’t fully commit. “And it’s because of that, because I don’t want you to get hurt again, that I’m being reassigned. They’ll find you a new guardian and it’ll be like none of this ever happened.”
“Kota, please-“
You knew that you couldn’t convince him. Kota had always been the type to think through his decisions once, twice, a thousand times before making up his mind and he was stubborn. This was no different. But it was too sudden, and you weren’t ready to let go of him. He only wished that you could see just how much it was hurting him as well. He didn’t want you to think that he was doing this because he didn’t care or because it was easy. This was the hardest thing he had ever had to do. Because, unlike you, he had seen your timeline, beautiful scenes of the two of you together through the years. He had seen the future the two of you could have had, the future he had wanted so badly. But he had missed the accident. He was looking too far ahead, dreaming too much about the two of you, so he missed any warning signs that would have protected you from it.
It was nothing too terrible. The doctors said you would be fine. But he was scared. Scared that it would happen again except much worse. Scared that he would get complacent and let his guard down and there would be nothing he could do to save you. It would be better if you were watched by someone who cared just a little less. Someone who wouldn’t be blinded by their feelings for you and could do their job better. This was what he had spent the night thinking about and convincing himself of. You needed a different guardian angel.
Kota leaned down, one soft palm pressed against your cheek as his lips met yours. His kiss was gentle and longing. He made sure to savor it because he knew it would be the last time. When he pulled away, you could hear him whisper against you that he loved you, that he was sorry, and then he pressed his lips to your forehead. This kiss filled you with a warmth from the inside out, and you felt a weight being lifted away from you. A weight that you kept trying to pull back with all your strength but just couldn’t seem to reach.
When you woke up the next morning, you experienced that first wave of pain. You were crying involuntarily with no idea why. You tried to ask your nurses about him, that man who’s name and face you were already being to forget, but they told you that you had been brought in by your coworker and that she would be back later that night. No man had come to visit you.
You were beginning to give up on finding him and, even though you knew he was somehow linked to the way you were feeling, the more time passed the less you could remember him. The waves of him became less frequent and more blurry which was frustrating. You had no name, no personal information to go off of and you were progressively forgetting his face.
You were going to give up until you found him again, this time in a train station. He was standing with his hands in the pockets of his long pea coat, hovering closely but not too closely to a red-haired woman who was scrolling through her phone. You wondered if he knew her, if they were dating. He seemed indifferent to her, emotion only shifting his features when he saw you.
Gritting your teeth, you tried to push through the pain developing in your temples. You needing to talk to him and you couldn’t do that if you were on the ground because of a migraine. You maneuvered your way through the crowd of people and you could see the panic in his eyes. Just as you were reaching out to him, going to grab his arm, the noise of the station stilled around you. The normally bustling and cramped underground was quiet and unmoving except for the two of you. Looking around the two of you in shock, you turned your attention back to him and dropped your outstretched arm back to your side.
“How did you do that?” This wasn’t the first thing you had planned on asking him, but plans went out the door when he froze the entirety of the subway station.
“(Y/N)…”
“Who are you?”
He looked conflicted. There were so many things he wanted to say to you. You were still so beautiful, and he had missed you so much in the time that you were apart. But Kota was mostly shocked. He had made sure to remove himself from your timeline, from your memories. And yet, somehow you could still see him. Somehow, even if incompletely, you could still remember him.
“I said, who are you?” You asked again. The pain in your head was getting harder to bear, like that door to your sadness was being pried open and ripped from its hinges. You were trying to be strong, but the pain and confusion were causing tears to form in the corners of your eyes.
Kota could see it. The way you were setting your jaw to try and bear it. The way you were sniffling back tears because you were scared, confused, and angry. This hadn’t been what he wanted. He had thought removing himself would allow you to live better. Your own sadness reflecting in his eyes, he frowned and took a step towards you.
“You must have been in so much pain,” Kota mumbled. “I’m so sorry.” He hesitated for a moment as he reached out to you, trying to see if you would stop him. And just as simply as he had taken them from you, he gave you your memories back. His lips against your forehead were soft and warm, that warmth sinking its way down into your subconscious. It hurt less, having the door opened this way, but you weren’t sure what to say when he pulled away from you. You weren’t sure what to do or how to feel, but the tears that had threatened to fall early now couldn’t seem to stop.
Pulling you tightly into his arms, Kota held you while you cried. With time stopped for the both of you, he let you get it all out. The two years of sadness and confusion you had never understood or be able to express. You kept asking him why and all he could do was tell you he was sorry. He was so very sorry. Wiping at your eyes, you tried to regain control of yourself, stepping away from Kota.
“If I had known it would have hurt you this much, I wouldn’t have taken the memories from you.”
“I woke up every day for 2 years with no idea what was wrong with me, no idea why, even though everything was exactly the same, everything felt completely different.” You tried to think through your sentences, figure out what exactly it was that you were trying to say. “You said if you knew, you wouldn’t have taken them, but…would you still have left?”
“(Y/N)-“
“Just answer the question, Kota.”
Exhaling, he said, “Yes. I would’ve still left. Because your safety was supposed to always be top priority and I was putting myself and our relationship before my job. It was my job to protect you and because of me…”
“Nothing was because of you. You were not the one driving the car. You were not the one who walked into the street. You were in no way involved so stop blaming yourself for something that just happened. Things just happen.”
“But I’m supposed to stop them from happening, (Y/N). I’m supposed to watch out for you.”
Unblinking, you asked, “You taking away some of my happiest memories was your way of watching out for me?”
You could see now why everything had hurt so much. Even though he was breaking rules to be with you, Kota had given you some of the most beautiful things you had ever experienced. He had made you feel alive and beautiful and wanted. And you understood. You could understand his fear and his worry, but you couldn’t understand his method. You were angry and reeling and still so sad.
“If you still want to be out of my life, then that’s fine. I won’t look for you anymore if it will make this easier for either of us,” you muttered. You had gained control of your expression and, even though he still probably knew, you weren’t going to show how broken you were. His features, however, were less together, sadness spilling from his eyes as he looked at you. “But I want to keep them. My memories. Don’t take them from me again.”
“Are you sure?”
You nodded firmly. “If I’m going to move past it, I need to know what I’m moving on from. Not having them left me lost and I don’t want to feel that way again. I would rather deal with the pain of not having you then not know you ever existed.”
Kota nodded, a sliver of a smile touching his lips. Pulling you back into his arms for one last hug, you could’ve sworn you heard it, a whisper of an “I love you”. When he let you go, time resumed where it had stopped, the red-haired woman jumping slightly at the sight of you suddenly beside her. You apologized and move back to the edge of the platform when you heard the train approaching.
As you stepped into the car, you caught yourself looking back onto the platform, your eyes meeting Kota’s. You gave him a small wave before the doors closed, your heart simultaneously the heaviest and lightest it had been in a long time.
There’s something scary about being alone. It gives you a lot of time to think. Think about where things went wrong. Remember when things were good. Reflect. Play back scenes and wonder what if.
What if I had said that a little differently? What if I had controlled my expression a little better? What if I hadn’t sent that text? What if I never brought it up in the first place?
You feel it more when you’re alone, the weight of your actions. In the moment, it’s painful but full of conviction. You’re blinded by emotion so you don’t feel it as much. You don’t think of the consequences as much. But when it’s all over and you’re alone, you can see it better. You can see where things started to fall apart.
I’m not sure if I’m more afraid of being alone or of having to remember what I did. But, either way, (Y/N), I really need you to come home.
There were a lot of things that Ryosuke hadn’t been expecting. The first was the massive fight that lead to you walking out on him. He couldn’t remember the last time that you had been that angry. Had he ever cried that much off screen, when the cameras weren’t rolling? He wasn’t sure. What he was sure of was that what the two of you had shared was not going to be easily repaired, if there were any hopes of it being repaired at all.
The second was how much he missed you. The two of you had never said that you loved each other. You didn’t have that kind of relationship, or at least Ryosuke hadn’t thought so. You spent time together and you had your own drawer in his bedroom. You kissed, made love, and all your friends knew that you two were an item, a couple, and been for a long time. But, neither of you had ever said those three words.
Maybe because neither of you felt like it needed to be said. You felt it, so what was the point? Or maybe you were both scared, not wanting to say it first if the other didn’t feel the same way, ruin the momentum that you had. Honestly, Ryosuke regrets having that fight for a lot of reasons, the main one being that you walked out of his apartment not knowing that he did indeed love you. And he missed you so fucking much.
The days in between you leaving and him seeing you again felt like too long. He expected it to be a fluke, for you to come over after you were done with work, for the two of you to get ready for bed together. You would shower together and he would get a little handsy, the heat in the room coming more from each other than the water. You would borrow his tee shirt afterwards and curl up on the couch to eat a late dinner and talk about each other’s day and watch tv. A simple routine but one that Ryosuke relished in after days of filming or recording.
He missed seeing you walking around his apartment. He couldn’t sleep because his pillows still smelled of you, bringing memories and thoughts and regrets to the surface each night as he tried his best to go to bed. He missed touching you, feeling you beside him, having the comfort of you in his life.
And, even though he wanted it more than anything in the whole world, Ryosuke really hadn’t been expecting you to show up at his front door. It was so late and the knocks at the door had seemed like hallucinations at first. He could barely form a sentence when he opened the door, and his first instinct when you were inside was to stammer his way through an apology, an explanation. You stood there in his living room while he babbled on and on about that fight and the thoughts that had been flowing through his head since you walked out.
Closing the space between the two of you, you silenced all his worries with a tender kiss, laughing a little when you saw the expression on his face as you pulled away.
“You talk way too much,” you teased. His hands were on your hips, holding you tightly, firmly, to make sure you were really there in front of him, that he wasn’t dreaming. He had had this dream before.
Ryosuke braced himself, swallowed, tried to get used to the taste of the words, before he finally managed to get it out.
Kei was always one of the biggest supporters of our relationship. He was my best friend and, once we got together, he became yours too. So it was hard for him to really give advice when the two of us took our break.
We were both wrong. We had both said some awful things and everything had gotten blown out of proportion. All because I saw his name flash across your screen.
I know that you didn't cheat on me. You wouldn't. You said that and I trusted you. But I couldn't unsee it. The vision I had in my head of him touching you, kissing you, being with you in all the ways that I was. And, sure, I was being ridiculous and insecure and making something out of nothing. Maybe everything you had said during that fight was true.
But you can't say that things I said weren't true, too. That you were selfish and secretive and hard to talk to sometimes. I didn't care that you confided in him because I know that there are just some things that I can't understand. I didn't care that you two were friends. I didn't care.
I cared that you felt like you had to hide it from me. I cared that you lied to me about who you were going out with. You have no idea how silly I felt calling your friend Angie and having her tell me she had no idea where you were.
It was lots of little things. Lots of conversations that should have happened but never did, instead turning into a screaming match in our living room. A match that neither of us won.
The alphabetical masterlist for Kota’s Lover’s Dictionary. All definitions are under the cut. Will be updated as new words are added. The chronological listing will be posted after the series is completed.
The days leading up to that fight were strange. For the first time since we had started dating, the heat between us noticeably faded. Not too much, we were never cold to one another. No, just enough to know that something was wrong.
It was strange because I wasn't sure how close to you I was allowed to get. I didn't know how much space you needed, how much space I needed. The more distant you became, the more agitated I got. But I was never mean to you, I was never mad at you.
It was like our relationship was on pause somewhere in between constantly wanting to be around each other to not wanting to be in the same room. And maybe it was this constant state of in between that made everything about that fight worse than it should've been.
Being in between meant things could go one of two ways and, somehow, we chose the worst possible direction.
We never had any secrets. Sometimes it felt like you knew what I was going to say before I even opened my mouth. And, a lot of the time, I couldn't wait to tell you things. There was nothing that we needed to hide.
But suddenly it seems like I can't see you anymore. You've become clouded. And I try to tell myself that it's no big deal but it feels like it. Because I know all of your friends but lately you won't tell me who you're out with. And sometimes when your phone rings, you'll disappear for what seems like forever then reemerge like nothing happened, like you didn't leave in the middle of whatever we were doing.
I trust you. You know that. And I thought I knew everything about you. So why are you suddenly so hard to read?
Neither of us had ever done long term relationships. We were both new and awkward and, I'm not sure about you, but I was afraid. Afraid that, somewhere along the way, you would lose interest, that we would become less spontaneous, more boring, more mundane.
But, if I'm being honest, I was thinking too hard. I was worrying too much about what ifs when really, our relationship didn't require very much thought or effort. Almost instantly we were hitting the one, two and three year mark. Of course there were bumps along the way, but it was easy. Being around you, loving you, dating you. It was almost always easy.
*deep exhale* So here it is. The semester is finally over and I can breathe again. It’s been a ride and lots of emotion since I am now only two semesters away from graduating from college yikes.
Would like to say a very very sincere sorry to any/everyone who has been waiting on anything from me because I know I dropped off the face of the earth in the middle of not one, not two, but three multipart series.
So the goal for this week is to reorganize/redecorate the blog a little bit and finally finish My Cinderella. Will also put out a couple more parts of Lover’s Dictionary and start putting together the masterlist for that. If i remember correctly, Nice and a few others suggested doing both alphabetical and chronological lists so I’ll try to start on that. Let’s see...I currently don’t have any requests on this blog but will try to work on something, anything, for hsj-scenarios as well.
Hopefully the summer will bring lots of new content and I can get back into the flow of life outside of school. And, again, so very sorry for actually just disappearing.
romaincrisis
s-u-f-j-a-n-s-t-e-v-e-n-s
stormborns
turnnoffyourmind
pixelskylines