My mom asks me if I really hate my family. Do I really hate my mom and dad? Seriously, trying to answer that is a psychological nightmare. It wonāt be helpful for me to get to the bottom of that answer aside from sitting in some shrinkās office for hours. No I donāt hate my parents. I am resentful, taciturn and rude because I donāt want to talk to you. I donāt want help from you. I need to figure this out ON MY OWN because I am a goddamn adult and I need to start acting like one. I need to learn how to take care of myself ON MY OWN. I donāt need you to be hovering over me constantly. Itās a stupid cycle because they will worry until the day they die and they will constantly try to help, even if it makes it worst. And Iām the ungrateful one because I donāt appreciate their efforts and turn down all their suggestions. What part of I want to figure this out ON MY OWN do you not understand? Thereās so much guilt and shame wrapped up in living home and having them worry over me everyday. My mom thinks a family vacation will be helpful and good but no, I donāt like family vacations, Iāve never liked them and Iāve never had fun on them. And that makes me a horrible child because I donāt want to spend time with my family. But fuck itās a fact that family comes first and family is important but I donāt care. So Iām a horrible daughter for never wanting to spend time with them, never wanting to talk to them. I feel worst whenever either parents sits down next to me and tries to suggest plans. I want to get away from my family. Living at home is destroying me. And I feel bad because they have worked tirelessly for my sister and I to have a better life. So obviously I hate them. As a friend said, youāre 21, an adult, you can legally leave and go anywhere. I need to find a place to go. The first time I left the house, I was unprepared and I came back with so much emotional luggage. I always thought I could take care of myself but turns out Iām not capable of that. Even living in residence I didnāt handle it well. Not the cleaning up and cooking (yes cooking) but having to go out into the world alone. Iāmā¦ā¦.internally suffering. I donāt want to be in the world. I donāt want to participate. I donāt want it to hurt me. If I am to be alone I would rather be in my room. I see nothing in the world that convinces me to leave my room. Iām sure Iām overlooking everything posibitive but going out two days in a row, it was exhausting. I was watching people in the streets and couldnāt imagine myself living like them. Itās this stupid thing we young people do, categorize everyone into neat little compartments and labeling them scientifically, as if we know everything about the world and how it works. We think we know perfect strangers. I wish so desperately that this insecurity wasnāt part of me but it has been festering there since childhood. This world, this society, highschool, twenty-somethings, social media, career, marriage, relationships, all of it, itās a farce, everyone is an actor and I donāt want to be a part of it But I have no choice. I hate being in this stage where all you are is uncertain and have no security in anything. Youāre supposed to put all your faith it will work out and throw yourself off a cliff. I did that and I came out of it depressed, resembling nothing like the person I was before I jumped. I may have been cynical and sarcastic but I was still optimistic (naive), believing great things are possible. No, now my generation and I are jaded, superficial and disdainful, trying desperately to be individual and unique. Even more so people are acting, and somehow that makes them important. The more people are obsessed with you, the more successful you are? Unless someone pays attention to what you do, it has no merit. We spend so much times looking at ourselves and stalking other people and I get wrapped up in all of that. I complain a lot, I do nothing but obsess over it, it doesnāt get solved. Well done. Go look online at the life youāre not living because thatās possible now and thatās what we do. Iām looking in the wrong place for answers. Why would someone else my age know anymore than I do? Weāre all clueless. I need to make a plan. I need a place to go and find my motivation to want to live. Itās nothing to do with happiness. I just want to be at peace.
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