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Aqua Utopia｜海の底で記憶を紡ぐ
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@hidingbehindtheblog
*Sigh* I just... Gonna use this for what I use it for Mini torrent of depression
Just.. Ugh. I don’t know what’s going on.. I feel like I”m breaking, my leg is killing me, having to work on a limp for 9 hours killed the other leg. So now I feel gimpy
Other then just physical pain, I’m just... ... in pain. I’m depressed.. Lost, lonely. I... I miss Dean. Way to much. I wasn’t ready for him to go..
*Makes a mistake
OH SHIT OH SHIT SHIT SHIT
WHELP, I decided to make a post on Reddit for new friends. I DIDN’T expect it to actually work!? Now I got people messaging me, and my anxiety just skyrocketed. XD God why am I so messed up?
No one to rant at...
Whelp, as my brother is gone.. I dont have him, my only open minded individual I can tell anything to is no more. Soo.. guess I'll just rant here til maybe I can find a friend (fat chance)
Anyway.. I've been wanting to get this off my chest since our trip. Im very.. energy and spiritual based, and I listen alot to the flow and my core feeling. Well, during the trip, I was giving tarot readings, doing so drained alot of my energy, more then usual, and my friend offered to give me some of his via chakra points. This is new to me (surprisingly and trust me, I've been doing alot of research) and I hesitantly accepted even though he makes me anxious. (Great guy, just I have natural social issues)
WELL LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THIS ENERGY. My. Gods. It was ... invigorating, he has the power and energy of a dragon, and compared to my wolf / moon energy, I felt like I was on crack. God it was.. amazing. However, as embarrassing as it is, doing the final push through all 7 points, it actually gave me a rush.. deep in my core I was actually turned on. By a guy who I've never even thought about in that way, I'm unbelievably happy with my current mate, so it was just a little mind blowing when this happened (especially when it's hard for me to even get horny to begin with.)
Now, I really want to get energy work again, and i know it's only because I'm addicted to that strength, but its... awkward and i dont know how to bring it up.
Uuuuugh
..... anyway. That's my moral dilemma right now.
Screaming
My fucking god!
I spent hours working on a piece for my squire and my fucking iron burns it. Now I gotta start over when I have no time. Fucking god damn it.
when people care about you and want to protect you
I do it to myself..
Ugh, I should be excited for my event coming up, a weekend camping trip of Amtgard Larping fun, but.. my squire asked me to run with her, okay great. I've gotten from December to now relatively painless. But the biggest hurdle is to come, I have to step up in front of everyone for court (HUGE event, and for two days) and we have knightings on each night. Ugh.. and to top it all off I get to plan the feast for court, gotta love feeding about 150 peeps camping ~
That Feel... part 2
...when you’ve taken a huge project (Freaking Escape Room meets Parlor Larp), and the amount of participants is a lot more then you’re comfortable with, and working on the puzzles for the escape rooms you begin to panic.
I’m freaking borderline panic mode for just writing this stuff out.
God why.. Why do I do this to myself..?
That Feel...
...When you’re on your own Youtube Upload list, and the picture is three males (Two of which are intimidating to me) Staring at the camera. It’s a bloody video. *Sigh* I really hate how bad my anxiety is getting..
Why I’m here...
Straight to the point, I created this side blog from my normal one cause.. well I got major social anxiety. I’m struggling to find the words to type out, even debating on deleting this. But.. I’m forcing myself through, I want to get better, I want to make friends, I want to be.. normal? Ugh, I don’t even know if that’s the right word.. I always think of random stuff, idea’s, stories, what have you, and I’m to scared .. terrified to post it on my personal blog, in fear of what my limited friend pool would think.. So basically, made this to make friends that might understand, and to express what’s in my head.
