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[hidumbpeople]

to endure all those days alone in your room, scrunched up to protect the beatings, how truly unfortunate that childhood must be for you. yet you smile against the ignorant and laugh with the happy. how could you still be subjected to mockery by girls from across the hall for a mental disability you couldn't control. how unfair life must be, to treat you like this.

[hidumbpeople]

as i looked at my mom through matured eyes, her violent eyes turn sad, her striking blow felt soft. why do i remember her to be larger, meaner, more imposing? beneath all the shouts and screams, perhaps she was just a girl like me

[hidumbpeople]

"you're so emotionless!"

but what if emotions is all I have, all I know are my stupid empathy and lack of ability to properly express myself.

[hidumbpeople]

"but your friends wont last forever! you wont see them anymore after graduation!"

what a stupid thing to say, these are my brother and sisters. the talks, the hugs, the cries, what will happen to them? will they randomly vanish one day? no they will not, I will personally make sure that as I decompose into the ground at the age of 90, the only thing maggots chew on is my heart's reminiscing of memories with my first family outside of blood.

[hidumbpeople]

i'm convinced birthdays always invoke the most gut wrenching reflections at night. suddenly every strand of emotion comes out and you are left wondering what even is the point of living so far.

[hidumbpeople]

one day I will finally be able to think of my parent's love for me and not brawl my eyes out.

[hidumbpeople]

love is so fucking scary

[hidumbpeople]

nature is not beautiful, it is the sole enemy of us all.

mother nature is an entity that remembers, it stands infinitely more experienced than us, it stands strong even against the greatest meteor showers, it transforms again and again. it rises triumphant against the boils of thumping rocks and the worse of radiation from outer space.

so no, we should not pity our mother, she will always survive our naive lashings, she will haunt us eventually, revenge to be perfectly executed just as she always has.

[hidumbpeople]

the holy food chain, the cycle of life, to maintain the balance of life. we must die to leave spot for another, the world was never enough to contain oddity, so it eliminates in the name of "equity."

even if we struggle, we must accept our inevitable end. we fly to our deaths knowing our predetermined fates, to keep calm even in death because "that is what fate intends." no one can stay too long, time and balance are truly our toughest opponents: it was never mom and dad or our bully or the strict boss, in the perspective of the moving universe, it has always been time.

thats why space must seem so bewitching, the only escape from our strangely normalised placeholder upon the earth.

as we leave our bounded homes, strive for the sky, the unlimited possibilities await us, we could travel anywhere, without the restriction of social norms or the ticking of time.

but that will never happen, our fuel will never allow us to permanently stay in the fantastical realm of space. we were never meant to explore more than that inside this world, our small brains were never meant to comprehend the growing possibility of aliens or the actual promise of freedom. just like giving stuck penguines the way to safety, we are but mindless creatures, unknowing of the possibilities of going against our natural instructors.

[hidumbpeople]

"i missed you" "I really want to text you" "I need you back"

I am not pitiful enough to be sending you these messages but as the only way I can expose my sadness for our departure to you, i have been doing something different.

that day we broke up, i accidentally caught you listening to our song at 1 am. back then I thought you were pathetic and stupid, we blocked each other on every single social except airbuds, a small platform im sure you dont use anymore, therefore it must have slipped your mind that you are exposing yourself to me.

but to me, it was reassuring, to know that what we had was real, that i have someone who will miss me. even now, even if you no longer blast breakup songs, i will still leave my music history on, play that song on repeat, hoping the signs are enough for you to pick up. that maybe you would check this dumb app on your phone and feel the urge to stalk my music history, to see my desperate plea to crawl back to you.

I didn't want this, my heart will always miss you, I will always let you back into my life. so please, since I cant voice my love to you anymore, let my trailing songs carry forth my apology to you. im sorry for ending it, i cherished what we had far more than what i originally amounted for.

regardless if you still love me or not, i will continue to leave this song in my spotify history for you to one day recognise. please miss me again: the same way I miss you now.

[hidumbpeople]

in most stories, the reason for ones defeat might be because they got overpowered, or assaulted. but sometimes, it could simply be because of the weakness of being human. our tendency to care, to love, to feel, to follow our heart rather than our heads will def one day be the death of us.

in every single time period of history, we will always run towards danger in the name of "living in the moment", to falter in determination after a comrades death, to let the love for others cause our own suffering, to find beauty behind harsh conditions.

do you think the dinosaurs craved for others on doomsday? as they looked at the shining meteors about to abolish them, did they ever see the beauty, the poetry in such a moment?

i guess our heart will always be blamed for our downfalls. but perhaps this is the cruelty of being humans, the curse of love and emotions.

[hidumbpeople]

theres always something devastating about the death of the proclaimed "strongest" in a story

just like god is to christians, everyone needs someone to place their absolute trust in, someone they use as their comfort or source of protection. so it must have hurt: "the death of ___"

[hidumbpeople]

"and for my final act of love"

a few years ago i used to think self sacrifice was selfish, such people choose to burden everyone with guilt and grief, assuming by themselves that others would want to be saved by them.

but now, i find it so heartbreakingly beautiful.

even if they ache with their insides torn apart, their heart must be full and completely satisfied. they must've pictured the following happiness ensured after their sacrifice, the peace, the quiet air without all the fighting and violence. to be the one to decide the certainty of that in a world of changing variables, how fulfilling that must be.

these suicidal maniacs must love so intensely to the point where they would trade their precious heartbeat to hear the beating of others. to love so selflessly they choose to save the life of others regardless how they might view them after, they wouldnt mind the pity, hatred, or sadness, they are content as long as they know their loved ones are breathing.

[hidumbpeople]

my bsf and i are both writers, and we take turns crying at each other's bd letter to each other every year. i find that so rewarding and funny. cuz shes a brilliant writer, her words honestly flow like the streams of japan so hearing that my words have enough beauty in them to move her to tears EVERY YEAR is acc such a good ego booster. love you!!

[hidumbpeople]

there is no better love story than an artist and someone who actually enjoys their lover's craft.

the reader with the writer the art admirer and the painter the photograph collector and the photographer the fashionista and the fashion designer the director and the actor the singer and the composer

to have someone completely understand your intentions behind each expression, word, paint stroke, to love you for it, i think is the most sincere and earnest form of love in the world.

[hidumbpeople]

to pull you from the rubble

[hidumbpeople]

how could staying comfortable satisfy the unbothered? how can you ever bear to continue sapping oxygen from the earth knowing your wasted brain? my ambition will become my hubris, it will consume my mind and lead to my demise just like lady macbeth. what am i without my goals, my tears, my sweat from chasing a faraway illusion. even if i lose my humanity, my emotions, my happiness, i refuse to live another second being ignorant.