Is This The Real Life?

I’m a highly sensitive Ravenclaw, struggling to live life to its fullest while coping with panic attacks. This blog is for every HSP (and of course every other lovely person) who knows what it’s like to feel overwhelmed. My biggest adventure will start in September when I leave my home country in order to study abroad.

[highlysensitive-and-proud]

In this world filled with grey edges, you are a rainbow-coloured globe.

[highlysensitive-and-proud]

It’s almost over...

It’s May. I can’t even believe it. Time just flies. Approximately 8 months ago I left Germany and went on my biggest adventure yet. There were ups and downs, tears and laughter, sunshine and rain. Before I write a blog post where I recap all the things that have happened and what I’ve learned and so on, I want to give the month of April my full attention. 

Let’s keep this short and spicy. In the beginning of April a very very good friend of mine visited me. She is a sunshine and I had a really fun time. We went to Limerick (which won’t make the list of cities I love. It had some fine street art though) and just walked around Galway. It was nice having someone here who knows me. We talked about the future and our plans. I didn’t let myself think about these things for a long time because it makes me anxious and may lead to panic attacks... but with her it didn’t feel as grave as it does when I just sit on my desk and let my thoughts wander to the million possibilities I have. I know that I first have to finish my bachelor and that will take a year or maybe longer... but I also almost spend one year in Ireland and I could swear that it was only yesterday that I boarded the plane to the green island. 

Exams and essays. Lectures ended on the first Friday of April and after that I only had one more exam and two essays I needed to submit. So most of the time I was either typing and reading for said essays or I was watching Netflix. Student life. Oh, it was also very very very very warm... and I took several naps in the sunshine. 

Then came easter. And on easter Sunday my dad landed in Dublin. He got us a car and drove to Galway, where we had some fish and chips, ice cream and beer (he did, I just had f&c and ice cream). On Monday we set off for our road trip through Ireland. We went to the cliffs of Moher, did the ring of Kerry, drove to Inch Beach and through the Wicklow Mountains. The last night we spent in Dublin, where I made him try on Doc Martens (hihi) and he even bought them (victory!). Then we said goodbye, he went back to Germany and I went back to Galway. 

April ended with the Endgame. I won’t put any spoilers out there, because I freaking hate it when I spoiler myself (which happens quite a lot tbh). Endgame gave me all the feels. I laughed, I cried, I wanted to give hugs to characters and afterwards I desperately needed a hug myself. I started watching the Marvel movies when Iron Man was released in 2008. 11 years ago. Since then all the characters (and especially Iron Man/Tony Stark) have been a huge part of my fandom life. I grew up with them. With Endgame, my childhood/teenage years came to an end. It felt like the perfect happy/sad ending to a chapter in my life. 

I guess when I leave Ireland next week I will also be crying and at the same time smiling because it was an amazing year. I have no freaking idea what the summer will bring and where I will end up. The only thing I know is that I will be back in Bamberg in October and that I DEFINITELY will come back to Ireland. But more about that in my next post (which I will write this weekend or next week). 

Until then, spread the love!

[highlysensitive-and-proud]

March Madness

Hello :) It’s already mid-April but I thought why not post my insanely cool March adventures anyway? :D So, without further ado, may I present to you: March Madness. 

It all started with a flight to London and a couple of days with a dear friend of mine. I had a really good time in England and we went to the Globe Theatre and saw Romeo and Juliet. It. Was. Amazing! A dream came true. But London wasn’t all fun and easy... I want to be completely honest because we need to put the truth out there. I used to love London. When I was younger I always wanted to live there. All the possibilities, the things you could do and see, the atmosphere, I thought it would be grand to live in a city like this. But things change, don’t they? And we can’t always control what’s going to happen to us and how we’ll react. I fell out of love with London and when we went to see the play, the whole day was an experiment for me. Big cities mean loud noise and many impressions, which isn’t always easy for me. I need peace and quiet to digest the things I experience and there was the huge possibility that a day in the city would just be too much and I would have a panic attack. In the end, I didn’t. It all went fine. But I couldn’t have done it alone. It’s important to have friends who know how you’re feeling and who understand your needs. I was lucky enough to have such a friend with me. The day after London, we went to Oxford to visit another friend of ours. Oxford is so freaking beautiful! It was sunny but cold and in the evening it even began to snow. I guess we spend more time eating and sitting in a café than we did sightseeing, but hey, food is also an important part of exploring new cities :D England is very gluten-free friendly, so I had no problem finding delicious things to eat.

The next huge thing that happened was St. Patrick’s Day! Wuhuu! I went to the parade, which was super cool and afterwards a friend and I got coffee and went for a stroll by the sea. Very chill, very nice. 

After the exciting time in England and St. Patrick’s Day in Ireland, I had one week which wasn’t filled with as much as the weeks to come and I thought it would be rather relaxed. Nevertheless, I had to study a lot for my Irish exams and finish a paper. Irish went well but before my oral I was super nervous and felt very anxious. The whole week was a very anxious one. I knew that it might be stressful, and I don’t cope well with stress but I made it through and nothing bad happened. Had two tiny panic attacks, but that’s okay because I have lived with this for so long now and when I look back at where I was last year, damn I can cope with stress so much better now. PLUS I have amazing friends. 

During my super stressful week I skipped a few classes on Thursday and went to Dublin. A couple of months earlier I discovered a book named “Reasons To Stay Alive” by Matt Haig. This man is a genius. He talks about his breakdown when he was 24. He’s just brutally honest about depression and anxiety disorder. It’s a must-read, for everybody. It doesn’t matter if you suffer from depression or anxiety or are perfectly healthy - read the book. It gives you so much insight and might help you understand yourself and/or other people better. Well, anyway, I went to Dublin to see Matt Haig speak. He recently published his new book “Notes On A Nervous Planet”, which is also amazing, and was giving a talk at the National Concert Hall. The evening was marvellous and I am so glad I went. Afterwards I had the opportunity to speak to him, but I basically forgot all my English and just rambled BUT he was super nice nonetheless. 

My March ended the way it had started - with a visit. The same friend I visited in England, now came over to Ireland for a couple of days. We tried a super nice pasta place in Galway and went to a concert in the cathedral. On Sunday we went on a day trip to Connemara. I LOVE the landscape in Ireland. It’s just so very magical and wonderful. And that was my adventurous March. Now I’ll go back to writing essays... (spread the love, people. Spread the love.)

[fourhystericalqueens-blog]

i’ve made a generator which tells you what queen song you would be. reblog with the song you got.

i got the millionaire waltz

[one-hysterical-queen]

bohemian rhapsody

[fatbottomedgwil]

Get down, Make love

[alright-mrfahrenheit]

Brighton rock

[rogerinaismyqueen]

Flick of the wrist

[soph-ie812]

liar

[glueboy-19]

doing all right

[70srogertaylor]

Drowse

[queenscoolcat]

Back chat

[bowiequeen-deactivated20191005]

ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST

[rogeranddeaky]

‘39!!!

[rogerlad]

Get Down Make Love

[highlysensitive-and-proud]

The Show Must Go On. (Very accurate, tbh)

[thepersonalquotes]

[highlysensitive-and-proud]

Off the grid (part 2)

February

St. Bridget’s Day on 1 February is the Irish start of spring. And it’s true. After the dark and depressing months of November till January, the flowers started to bloom and my spirit rose again. February was short and sweet. Went to the flea market, went for hot chocolate and cake and lunch with an absolute sunshine, started writing midterm papers (not so sweet, but hey, somehow I need to get that degree). 

On a sunny and kinda warm Saturday I took a ferry to Inis Mór. That’s the biggest of the Aran Islands. I went on my own, which, in the beginning, was a bit scary but I totally enjoyed it in the end. The ferry ride itself wasn’t pleasant... but the bike ride around the island was cool! And exhausting. I had lunch at some awesome cliffs, saw the Seven Churches and even dipped my toes in the ocean (which was freeeeeezing). 

Sidenote: the 23 February was my 300th day of meditation. Last year around that time everything was different, everything was so so so much worse. I just want to remind you that recovery is possible. We can’t go back to the person we were before and it takes time and effort and it isn’t a straight line. But I’m glad I chose to try and get better. I couldn’t do it without my family and friends (near and far) and I’m grateful for every moment I can look up at the sky and feel happy and content. P.S. Eventhough I might have 40 good days in a row, doesn’t mean my bad days aren’t there or valid.

I’ll try to keep you guys updated. March is going to be INSANE. Currently, I’m on my way to England to visit a friend, next week is St. Patrick’s Day and exams are coming. I have some small amazing things planed as well, I’ll tell you all about them in due time. Until then, spread the love!

[highlysensitive-and-proud]

Off the grid (part 1)

Okay, so I spent the last hour writing a new blog post and then tumblr wouldn’t let me save it and now it’s gone. Thanks for nothing. 

New try. It has been ages since I last posted something. It feels like years have gone by and at the same time nothing has happened (which isn’t true, a lot has happened). At the moment I’m on my way to the airport and finally have the time to write. There are going to be two parts because tumblr only allows 10 pictures per post. So stay tuuuuned :)

January

After being home for Christmas, I took a train to Bamberg and spent some lovely days with my friends. There was nothing special going on but at the same time it was very special because I got to hang out with people I hadn’t seen for months. It was very chill, just some bouldering, burgers and coffee. I left Bamberg and travelled to Frankfurt, where I met my best friend. In general, I don’t like big cities (too much noise and people) but thanks to her I had a very very good time. 

Before the snow storm hit Germany I was already on my way back to Ireland. I stayed in Dublin for a few days and really enjoyed exploring the city (and IKEA) on my own. The Writer’s museum was super cool and while I was just walking around I saw a very familiar logo. Dr Martens has a shop in Dublin! You cannot imagine how delighted I was when I found out. 

Back to Galway. I freaking LOVE this city and was so glad to be back. Classes started again on 14 January. I decided to take fewer classes this semester because I have to write three exams for my Irish language course and I wanted to take it chill. When I’m not in college, climbing or doing yoga, I like to go for a walk in the sunshine. Even in January the weather was amazing now and then. 

[wholesome-suggestion]

life gets better once you start doing your own thing. stop comparing yourself to others and if that means getting rid of social media than get rid of social media. it means to stop with the negative self talk, your brain is lying to you. train it to tell the beautiful truth.

 it means to look ahead of you, not behind, not to the side. pay no attention to the strangers around you until you can look at them and feel peace in your heart that you are doing just fine and so are they. you do not have to compromise your self love because someone else is beautiful, successful etc. you can be beautiful too, don’t worry. 

it gets easier once you start paying attention to yourself, your own happiness. your own comfort. pay no mind, speak words of kindness, and enjoy what you have.

[deeplifequotes]

“Sometimes everything hits you all at once. You lose a relationship, change jobs, old friends go and new friends come. It’s up one day and down the next. You have it all together on Monday and by Thursday you don’t have a clue. Life is one big wave and all we can do is flow, adapt and transform with it all.”

— Sylvester McNutt

[pastperfectcontinuous]

[highlysensitive-and-proud]

It wasn’t really looking like Christmas

Well, hello dear people! I didn’t die bc I ate to many Christmas cookies, in case you were wondering. The last weeks of December, hell, the whole December was one intense series of events. It started out with two deadlines for essays (both around 3,000 words, after I had already written 4 essays this semester) and like clockwork I got really sick, which sucked a lot. After sleeping for around 3 days straight I got better and started writing my term papers, and it was stressful. But hey, I made it (God knows how)! After I submitted my last essay, I started revising for my one and only exam and it went pretty good. Studying in Ireland might sound like a lot of fun, but that is not the case if you’re a History and English student. I’ve written six (!!) essay over the course of the semester. SIX. And while I chill a lot during the term and write my essay during the break in Germany, I just couldn’t do that in Ireland bc you need to hand the essays in either mid-term or in the last week of the semester. That means a lot of stress (going to take fewer courses next semester, need more time for climbing). 

After I’ve submitted the essays, I hosted a small and cosy get-together with my lovely friends in Galway. It was super nice! We had tea and crazy amounts of cake and pasta. Sadly, I had to say goodbye to a couple of really cool people, who were only staying in Ireland for a semester. I’ll miss you guys! <3 All the other wonderful human beings I will see again when we all go back to Galway for the summer term (which starts on 14 January). 

When my essays were done and the exam was finally over, I packed my things (why the hell did I think it was a good idea to just travel with hand luggage????). I hopped on a bus to Dublin airport, watched some Netflix bc I arrived at the terminal way too early and then boarded the flight. You can’t imagine how relieved I was when we landed in Munich. The flight was long (ahem, it just felt very long tbh) and we had a lot of turbulences. For the first time in 4 months I set foot on German ground, and knowing that I would leave again soon was kinda strange. I still feel like I’m on holiday. But coming back home made me realise how much I love the alps - they’re special.

Although I wished for snow this Christmas, there was none. Until today. Better late than never, right? Christmas itself was weird this year. I wasn’t really in the Christmas spirit and the fact that we didn’t celebrate the birth of baby Jesus like we did the years before didn’t help. I guess celebrations like Christmas with divorced parents are never easy, but the first year is always the strangest. In the end I was so glad when I could just stay in bed on the 26 December. Best thing about Christmas 2018 was the time I got to spend with my brother! I really missed that. 

I got some very special presents this year including a logo for my blog! My baby friend Luisa drew me some logos and sent them to me via mail on the 24th. No, she is not a baby, but we have known each other since we’ve been like 3 days old. Look at this wonderful drawing! It’s amazing! 

Now that all the Christmas cookies are gone, the new year has begun and I had a great time at my mum’s, with my brother and my friends, it is time to pack that backpack again (seriously, how am I supposed to take all the things back to Ireland? HOW?). Tomorrow, I’m on my way to Bamberg (the town where I usually study and live) where I’ll meet some friends and go to the bouldering gym. I’ll also stay in Frankfurt with my very best friend before taking the plane back to Ireland. And because I’ve never really been to Dublin before, I will stay there a couple of days before I head back to Galway and the new semester begins. 

Stay fly, my lovely friends! and spread the love. 

[highlysensitive-and-proud]

I might be scared but I am doing this anyway

Leaving my known environment was hard. Leaving my friends and family was hard. The reason it was/is giving me such a hard time are these two words: anxiety disorder. Some days it is all I can think about. This thing that I am stuck with, the fear of f**king everything. 

Before I left Germany I was going crazy with fear. I was running around like a headless chicken, my thoughts were running amok. I’m really good at imagining all the bad things that might happen, what people might think of me and the feelings I might feel (most of the time it’s fear anyway). That is why I like my comfort zone, I can control it. My friends in Germany know what I was, and still am, going through, they are understanding. Going to an unknown country was scaring me because I didn’t know what was going to happen. I couldn’t control anything. 

On my second day in Galway some important guy spoke to all the visiting students, and he said something like “now that you are here, you can be anyone you want to be. oh, and try something new.” So I did try something new. Well, kinda new. I started climbing. The people who know me very well know that I’m afraid of heights, and I’m afraid of falling, and I’m very bad at trusting someone (especially when it comes to belaying and making sure that I don’t die). Even though it might seem like a very small step for the majority of people, for me it was huge. 

I remember going climbing when I was younger. It was a school trip, I was younger, didn’t feel good in my body, was self-conscious, and scared. I was so scared of falling, making a fool of myself and I decided that I hated climbing. At the beginning of this year some friends asked me if I wanted to join them in the Frankenjura for rock climbing. I did. I’ve been bouldering for a couple of years now, I love bouldering (mostly because you just have to trust yourself). I had a great day, although I didn’t really climb much. It was cold, I wasn’t used to the rock and the gear. 

So when I went to Galway, and decided to take another step outside of my comfort zone, I started climbing. The first time I was so scared that I had a full-blown panic attack. It was horrible, but I made it through and step by step I learned how to belay, how to fall, how to tie knots. Once I felt comfortable using all the gear and belaying, I began to like climbing. Because the routes are so much longer than the bouldering ones, you have to stay focused for a longer time - means no annoying thoughts. Complete concentration. Silence. It’s just me and the wall. I started trusting the people who belay me, the gear, myself. 

And then we went to Dingle and climbed in the Gap of Dunloe. And it was great craic (that’s how the Irish would say that it was great fun). It was just one of the most amazing things I’ve ever done. Real rock, top rope, sunshine. I was scared but the day before I spotted a nice quote - “feel the fear and do it anyway”. Ready to climb, I was just looking forward to the feeling of rock, the pounding of my heart, the adrenaline rushing through my body. And I topped it, I topped the route. It was an amazing feeling. I was so proud of myself and I fell head over heels in love with climbing. 

Thanks to all my lovely climbing partners, to the world for creating the amazing rocks we’re climbing on. I would love to thank two very special people, without whom I wouldn’t even have started bouldering. Philipp and Almi, if you’re reading this - thank you and I love you. Even though I still am scared, climbing gives me the feeling that I can do anything. When there is a hard move, I visualise it, take a couple of deep breaths and then just try it. Most of the time it works out, sometimes it doesn’t. If it doesn’t, there is always someone who looks out for me. I guess it’s the same with life. There will always be people who are there for you when you fall, who will look out for you, who will help you reach the next hold and top a route. 

(and don’t forget to rest, look at the awesome things around you and be grateful)  ;)

[purplebuddhaquotes]

“If you are having one of those days, when life feels like one big struggle, breathe and focus on this moment now. This moment right here. Read this. We want you to know that you are a blessing in the world and who you are and what you do matters. Promise.”

— Anna Taylor

[thepersonalquotes]

[highlysensitive-and-proud]

Can we talk about the shitty stuff?

It might seem as if my time abroad is all just happy climbing, hiking, exploring and watching Netflix. It isn’t and I feel like I should put that out there bc with all that social media stuff, where everybody looks perfect and as if they had the time of their life, it can be depressing to feel like your time abroad isn’t that perfect. 

Don’t get me wrong, Ireland is pretty cool. I met a bunch of amazing people who I really adore and who I’ll miss a lot when they go home after one semester (and I’m staying for the second semester). I made friends with people from all over the world, I consider myself very lucky because I have great flatmates. And thank God for the friends I can have deep conversations with and who look after me (while I look after them). 

BUT it’s hard making friends with locals. I’m talking about my own experience here, so it’s not the universal truth. You are being thrown into this huge group of visiting students, and they’re all very open and easy going because “hey, most of us are just here for a semester!”. Yeah, most of you. But not everybody. So I am trying to find people who’ll stay in Galway for a whole year, so far I found 5 people. 5!!! Two out of those five are my flatmates. And I tried to get to know some Irish people and I said to myself “you got a wonderful community of climbers in Bamberg, so it’ll be easy to find friends among the Irish climbing community.” Let me just say that it isn’t as easy as I thought it would be. Maybe because I want what I have at home, maybe it’s me, maybe it’s them. Anyway, we didn’t really hit if off and that frustrates me. It doesn’t matter where in Germany I’ve lived or which climbing/bouldering gym I went to - people were always friendly and I felt welcome. Here, not so much. The local climbers are still friendly and it’s not that I don’t feel welcome but it’s just so hard to start an easy conversation with them. It’s different with the “visiting climbers”. Maybe things will change in the next couple of weeks, but I just miss my lovely Bamberg community so so much. 

Another thing that makes me feel a bit lonely sometimes is that I’m the perfect 20-something-grandma. I like staying at home, I like reading and drinking tea (without rum), I like just lying around and watching Netflix. And then there are those people who go out almost every night, and it makes me feel strange. At home I have my fair share of “granny friends” who feel the same way as I do. We meet for breakfast or coffee and if we’re feeling fancy, we meet in the evening for a drink or two. That’s it. What makes it even harder to accept my  granny-side here is that you rarely meet the other grannies, bc how on earth should you meet people who stay in as well?

And can we please please please address the issue of homesickness? I’ve moved out more than 3 years ago, and of course I got homesick sometimes, but now that I’m in a different country and have to buy a plane ticket to get home it gets worse? What kind of sick joke is that? I frequently miss my family, especially my brother and his wonderful girlfriend. I miss my friends so so so so so much. I miss the stores I go to in Germany (dm - love of my life), I even miss German music.  I love going to Aldi in Ireland because they have German Salami. I just miss the familiarity of Germany. 

Being in Ireland and feeling like you don’t really belong here makes all this even worse. I know I’m just here for a year, and I will definitely leave after this year bc I need to do my bachelor in Germany. BUT, guys, if I were you and you would come to my country and climb at my gym I would make you feel as welcome as possible. I would make sure that you had a grand time, I would love to go climbing with you, I would show you all my favourite spots, I would help you in any way possible. 

And then there is the whole uni stuff, don’t even get me started on that. I might do an extra post on that one day. 

To finish off I just want to tell my amazing friends and family who listen to my complaints, who read the text I send on a shitty day, who talk to me on the phone when I’m feeling down (even though it’s the middle of the night) “I LOVE YOU AND THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING”! I think I would go mad without you. And shout out to my climbing friends in Bamberg and all over Germany! I miss you guys!

Here is a beautiful picture of a rainbow. Just so this post has a picture in it. 

[thepersonalquotes]

[highlysensitive-and-proud]

It’s Mental Health Week!

Hello my lovely lovelies,

I hope you’re all doing great and loving life. The weather in Ireland is giving me a hard time - I’m sick again. Also I need to work on my midterms (yeah, I have 2 midterms, missing the German University system rn), so this is basically a procrastination post :D Let’s see what I have been up to:

Outdoor stuff: I’ve been hiking, exploring, climbing (damn, I kinda like top rope... still in love with bouldering though), enjoying the sun and the wind and the rain. Basically, I try to go to a new place every week and see as many things as possible. 

This is Oranmore Castle, near Galway. People live there, which is amazing. 

I present to you: The Burren. Stone and wind as far as you can see. It’s breathtaking, and dangerous bc you could easily fall into a hole. 

Me being happy while hiking in Ireland. Which brings me to another topic: Mental Health Week. 

I joined Lotus Society, a society for yoga, mediation and eastern practices. Everybody has a different system to cope with mental health issues, mine is mediation and trying to stay healthy (meaning going on hikes, going climbing, eating healthy food). Mental Health Week is important bc we need to start talking about depression, anxiety disorder, ED, and so on. I try to be open about my problems and illness bc otherwise people will never start acknowledging that these illnesses are real. It can be hard to open up, it can be hard to show that you’re vulnerable but the people who love you will understand and will stay with you. There are more of us than you think and people should know that they’re not alone! Isolation is the worst, and love is infinite. So share your story with the people you love, they’ll understand. Start talking about mental health! 

Spread the love!