It feels like 2016 all over again.
I'm 23, and I'm in desperate need to create something to share. I long to be a part of some artistic entity that aligns with me and lights me up. I'm watching others live out their passion and pursue their dreams; wishing I could do the same, wishing that could be me.
Every time I think I'm moving forward, I end up curious to find out what my life might look like if I continued to train harder, kept my focus forward, and ended up moving exactly how I intended.
Now it feels like it's too late. My body isn't as dynamic or fluid as before. I feel like I've chosen a path that wasn't for me... So I'm whining about it instead of doing something about it. But there's the part where I'm just too scared to try again. I'd be a beginner all over again in an aged and tired body.
The irony of the opening theme of "Begin Again" – it's as if it were a message from the creative deities speaking directly to me. They are gracing me with permission in a form of a command. No preface of "you can" and no punctuation suggesting an option. It's simply just do it. Do it now. Do it because I'm telling you to. Just begin again. Like it's that easy.
And yes, that is an image of me stomping my feet and throwing a tantrum because all I know is how to pity myself and make others pity me while covertly hoping for them push me into it. It is not easy! I need someone to hold my hand and bring me there and I don't know why. :-( Even after so many people have lent out their hands, shown me my seat, given me my praises, and told me I was enough. It just isn't EASY. But I think the fact that it isn't, the very fact that I feel incomplete and still need to finish the game, is because there's a longing in me for the game itself. For the infinite loop it keeps me in. I want to be suffering. I want to beat it. Even though, surely enough, there is NOTHING to beat. So I get caught up in this, "I'm done, no I'm not, yes I am, OK I'M NOT NVM" cycle. Is this healthy? Is this even good for me???
I'm 30 now. I'm studying the urinary system and contrast media to perform imaging on kidneys. Like... huh?! I'm into it. It's fine. It isn't completely miserable. But I am sad because everyday I think about dance. I think about how I could somehow still dance while working part-time. I think about it everyday. My body aches from stagnancy and falling off. There's always the "find time for it" or "do it at your own time for your own enjoyment" and it just isn't filling me up the way I need it to. So everyday I tell myself, it'll happen. It'll come when it needs to and you'll figure it all out. But will I really? And am I putting my time and energy into the right thing? I hate this aching void. I hate it and I hate it and I hate it. it's loud and it won't shut up.
That's where I'm at now. Fighting a feeling that won't give way. Studying to distract myself but I am too flustered and adversely distracted from all the things I actually want to do. It doesn't feel this achey everyday but today the thought is especially unbearable. So to tumblr I go, thinking maybe... writing about it will help me process the feeling a bit.
romaincrisis
2087
amandla
turnnoffyourmind
vaporwave
origamiaround
