HILLIER

[hillierpoems]

Buying thoughtless time with wine

I think too much

So i drink too much

I long to live without thought

And just act

Be

See

Buying thoughtless time with wine

Cos im weak

Without spine

But i’ll build and strengthen

Yet stay soft

Grow, pride held tenderly aloft

Lines racked and blurred for now

But one day love’ll Straighten all these Edges

Though for now

Introversy mixes with my own doubt and controversy

Thats why i dont care if this is read

Cos theres a world of opinion

Of argument

Of doubt

Of glory

Within just me

So i write what i see

Not caring whether its for you, because its all for me

[hillierpoems]

Loneliness can suck a dick

In my life my mind is my mistress

 Although mine is one of the purest souls

She still picks holes

Bickers

Rarely letting me rest

And though this helps

And it drives me

All she does acts to hinder and contrive me

 She Looks at my skin with disgust

And my late nights into mornings with a lack of trust 

She pulls open my eye to the empty pillow and closes it again

I know shes righ

i should have learnt my lesson by now

I’ve never found any love in the night

 We had to make it work for the kids

I had to sacrifice

To be there, even when I didn’t want to be

Iknow that’s driven us further apart

And all this heartache, i tell myself

Has just worked to strengthen my heart

 And this loneliness

is not for people

not for company

not to be a part of society

The Loneliness I feel is for love

I am just lonely outside of love

 So loneliness can go suck a dick

I’ll find love in my own mind

I need no mistress

[hillierpoems]

Loves bows and arrows

                                                                                                                                Windswept

unslept

bedded down

we invent a town

we invent a meaning

Then through lack of aim and loves bows and arrows we cannot tame

we try and fail to reinvent

our times money spent 

just whittled away dreaming

Should I settle for this easy half hearted feeling?

....NEVER again

[hillierpoems]

This will all blow up soon

The authenticity 

The pain

You must feel the same

The small town

The shit job

The sticky pubs

The badly cut drugs

Schooled in mental health Academies 

and education asylums

You see society

You see the day to day

You do the sums

Until government puts minds first

Alcohol will continue to run riot

As will the drugs

As will be the gut wrenching need to escape ourselves

So lets make a plan

Lets make a change

Lets find the rest of our brains

and put compassion and care

in front of depression and despair

This will all blow up soon...

The authenticity

The truth

The blame

You must feel the same

[hillierpoems]

Of A Shy Soul

Avoiding the show of emotion

A most strange notion

Born out of over zealous fools

and cold hearters

Who have no emotion

So go on, give in and retract

Then deny and detract

From yourself

A true emotion

And a response

[hillierpoems]

Pour

I don’t tell anyone anything

But i’d tell her everything

I don’t want anyone

I don’t want anymore

Just my soul to stay atilt

And pour

Text, to Facebook, to letter

To her kind eyes

To her quaint strength

To the prettiest smile

And my hearts haste

Of the discovery of her soul a pace

She saw through me

She saw it helplessly on the sleeve

The heart i couldn’t hide

And all the things stuffed down, hidden or dressed up as something tougher

I now confide

I don’t want anyone

I don’t want anymore

Just every bit...

[hillierpoems]

Stranded

The nights get forgotten and the mornings get remembered

Pupils of this town stranded

Leaving me and my friend dab handed

At getting smashed

I tag along

In the bag later on

Leaving my life

Feeling trashed

Like trash, taken out

And most got out

Especially those of value

 One of those who didnt, if not the only one, sits doing coke at 2am on a bench in a club overlooking Bognor bay

14hrs drinking, no one anything to say

A young black gay guy

Tells me what he’d do to me if I’d let him

He walks off to the toilet

I drink his beer

Small bags, everyones found a number for fifty notes

Im lucky people love me

“I’ll sort you out Mark”

But its mucky, the way in which they love me

I forget tomorrow

Now will last forever

What a poor mans perogative

And a shitty shitty small town endeavour

 But I recognise, I see it

The bigger picture

Ive learnt that means something

I’ll never be still on that

Not with this iron will

I’ll have what I want soon

…and more importantly, who I want

[hillierpoems]

Almost Out

I stare out

From the sand, from the stones

From the town, the downs

and wonder how many more want out

How many more are boxed up and boxed in by thoughts

How many more stare out from their box

Out upon a planet of little worlds in little boxes

As there are plenty i see, who’s lives are just their box

That’s all they know or feel

Their boundaries once discovered, never questioned or tested

They’ll never feel the pleasure and pain I've felt

I pity them

I pity them for their bliss

I’ve stuck my arms through and kicked my legs out, but im still in my box and know it...

......................and wish i didnt!

[hillierpoems]

Proms in the park

So here we are, under a tree, starting afresh and this time it’ll be me

Not an attempt at a glorified me, or a me that i’d previously tried to be

But a ‘me’ at all costs, through good and through bad

At least i know

At least i know the world can be mine

Or, that at least there’s a place for me in it

Katie Melua is played in the background as the next orchestra arrange themselves

The peaceful tune is soaked up by my mind

As neurons rearrange themselves and my soul is redesigned

[hillierpoems]

Bognor Matters

The familiar voices on the streets are now none so familiar

The locals’ not from round here

With pretty girls and fighting on the streets they divide opinion, but as times gone by they’ve sync’d and settled, shown kindness and compassion

Our seaside town took a right influx

An influx of skills to fill the jobs

To float our oh so prosperous nation

So now surely we must be flying high, pumping money back into communities, housing, families and hospitals……..Labour will need a decade or more to live this down and any words they utter in the meantime can be ignored, like the boy who cried wolf declaring his innocence from the gut of the wolf

So, communities merge

The foreign become the resident

We at this seashore’s grass roots make it work.

We play together, eat together, drink together, educate one another and smile as we pass in the street

You see, community trumps economy here and here is where it matters

[hillierpoems]

Stress Presse

Give me sobriety

In a different society

Where the fun is clean

And the people less mean

 Here today the stresses stress and press

On buttons

On nerves

Mangling

Jangling

Our change

In our skinny jean pockets

Poured into barmaid’s hands to block it

Out, for a while

Out for the night

Stresses Stresses fucked

I’m fucked

Drunk out of sight

[hillierpoems]

At least i’m ready for the sadness

To all those who live at peace

With self confidence

With happiness

With your ideal partners

Without abuse

Without scarring

Inside or out

At ease with each day

Far from tragedy

Far from depression

So far from the drugs, the depravity, the ‘entertainment’ you see on TV that it doesn't cast any fear or shadow upon your soul

But the time will come

When terror finds you

When tragedy strikes

When fear and horror rips at your reality

You wont be able to run to shake the panic

Ground trembling, air filled with terror

Feet taken from beneath you

Lifted up like an earthquake...

And dropped down, with us!

Us the oversensitive

Us the addicts, the anxious

The manic, the depressed

For who, life has rarely been ‘ok’

We stand still in the distance

Unshaken, unmoved

At home in this

This is how it is for us

...and you never knew.

[hillierpoems]

Times money spent

I arrive early to empty desks

Put earphones in

Slice through screens with quick cursor and fast mind

To create Key Performance Indicators

My 6 hr target is 18, the average is 20

I hit ‘21′ after 1 hr and 15 mins

I can breath and return to my thoughts for the next 4 hrs 45 mins

Trading thoughts for money feels as bad as anything i’ve ever felt

I minimize the damage

but still want my 1 hr 15 mins back

[hillierpoems]

Employment

My heart thumps like crazy

To the point that my chest is sore

Not from Anxiety this time

Or from any threat in front or behind

Just four floors, two screens

Undervalued and an ends to a mean

 Imagine an 8yr old with ambition and hungry mind

Sat learning in a 5yr olds classroom, day in day out

Tell me he wouldn’t be the least attentive, angriest resentful kid

Ive been here for 17yrs

17yrs!!!

My heart wants me out, I feel that’s why it pumps its hardest to propel me out

But it doesn’t think for the kids, for their roof and food

I just cant make the connection in my head to accept, just accept, like all the blank faces do

Conducting themselves like this is enough, paying into those pensions, at one with it all

 They will find this charred chair and these words

They’ll be worth more than a carriage clock’s worth of service

I have to get out of here, or I feel I will implode, or combust

In my talent I trust

But as a parent, a wealth of anxiety and stress behind me

I can’t break free (yet), without being paid off

 Combust or succeed

Im not scared of failing

Just failing my kids

But maybe I will anyway

As the way my heart pumps now

I fear out i’ll bleed

[hillierpoems]

[hillierpoems]

I get it

So, I get it,

I really get it, I do, I do, I get it

Cigarettes cause cancer

Cause death

I get it

I get it….

 But to me

And to those that don’t know

A cigarette and the chemicals it releases

Is as if it were a hug

A hug from a best friend

Or the few seconds when you awake

When the world is cosy and brings no pain

 So balance that

Take that!

Take all those who have shaved years off their lives

Those who have died young

And balance upon them…

How long would they have lived without 20 hugs a day

Without the morning solice reincarnate

 Science sit down and take a back seat

In this modern world

The knowledge of a man put at your feet

And let emotion duel

Because for all that stats hold

The mind of a man

Can defy all untold

[hillierpoems]

Negativity

I saw it today,

Negativity

Draped across my conscious like a veil

It’s usually hidden in my thoughts, dictating, directing

Leaving me downtrodden without footprint, no proof of purchase

But I won’t get tricked or mislead today

I’ll live in honesty and truth

And hope this awareness sticks around

If you can’t imagine what I write, then please be grateful, appreciate yourself and all you have right now….because this thing doesn’t come from a place of appreciation. So to do that, will take you one step further away from what you don’t want to know.

That that you don’t want to know, twists reality

And with minds habit, sticks

I’ll be clear and join you someday, someday soon, but I appreciate today that I saw it and saw it for what it is.

And in time I hope to see it for something that it isn’t.