@hinicholas - Tumblr Blog

for the first time in a long time i feel good, creative, and like i belong doing what i’m doing. that’s all!

RPGs, or relentlessly persistent girlsÂ by cassandrha

This concept is really interesting

today, being gay just wasn’t enough (to be considered a minority, someone who has struggled, or someone who deserves a fair chance in a working world)

digitalaidsss-deactivated201901

Here’s some food for thought that struck me the other day–

So in an effort to focus on myself and be more proactive in the game of self fulfillment, I’ve been making an effort to go to the gym as often as I can. I can start this off by saying that this will not be the typical body positivity post as it would appear (and although that is important), I felt the need to write about this. So for a month or two I had been going after work, on the weekends when I had spare time to walk to the one 15 mins away from my apartment until recently I upgraded my membership to let me go to all locations. As there is a location right outside of my office in Midtown, last week I made the first attempt at going before work.

I will say that in the past few months of wrestling with the gym as a space, I still feel quite uncomfortable in them. Masculinity is so fragile and it makes me sick how narcissistic most men are in the weights section, but I’m beyond conscious of who is looking at me performing whatever I am. This gym anxiety will definitely subside and I think that myself, of all people, should calm down and realize that others have it much worse. After all, a huge problem with our society is rooted in obesity and people who refuse to go to the gym because of said anxiety. With all this said, I’ve managed to become comfortable with my workout and with the help of some friends. I feel like I can walk into a gym and hold my own, until Monday.

On Monday when I went to the gym before work for the first time, it dawned on me that I would actually have to shower there before work. As I approached the locker room, a space I had never fully utilized before, my emotions ran wild with a frenzy of panicked nostalgia. I stood staring at my combination lock, thrusted back into the reality that was high school. I used to take my clothes to the bathroom stalls and change in there instead of out in the open with everyone else. I used to put my uniform shirt on over my gym shirt and then wiggle out of it from underneath. I used to wait until everyone had left the room until I began to undress, all because I was so uncomfortable with who I was. 9 years have passed since I lived those moments yet I still felt that absolute terror that I did back when I was 13.

To me, the weird thing is that I’m a completely different person now than I was then. I’m beyond comfortable with my sexuality and who I am as a person. I have strong opinions and can deal with practically anyone, so why am I still freezing? While I don't have the full or complete answer to this, the small things that did change are enough to remind myself that things have changed, and perhaps this is just one of those uncomfortable moments I pushed under the rug as soon as I finished those PE credits. Maybe I just tried to forget it, never thinking I would find myself in the situation again.

nyc-subway

notlikethemoviess

“I felt there needed to be a show for teenagers that didn’t make them feel judged. ‘Skins’ never tried to preach. It allowed young people to make their own decisions about what to do and whether it was right or wrong. Young people really respond to that, and that’s what sets 'Skins’ apart.“

Kaya Scodelario

New Beginnings.

It’s been approximately 6 months since my last post upon getting sad gazes and disappointed stares when presenting my thesis proposal, and boy have things changed for me. To begin, presented my thesis (now available to be viewed at here) which went over amazingly despite all reservations. I’ve never felt more prepared and well-researched in my life than I did when explaining to herds of people that spatial designers should now be designing for iPhone screens and shared user experiences! That was March 17th, then I boarded a plane on the 19th and landed back in New York City working full-time as an Art Director at McCann. Today, 6/8, marks almost three months of living here and I wouldn't have it any other way. I’ve already had a decent handful of ups, downs, and late nights working on projects, but ultimately I’ve learned more about myself and about the kind of people that thrive in this city.

How to address the elephant in the room– “what are you doing with your degree in Landscape Architecture?” A great question indeed! I spent an extra half a year in school to receive a post-professional degree that I immediately put down when I switched industries. I’ll start out by saying that Cal Poly, you never did foster creativity. Every part of design that I loved was shot down by the imperative technical details that had to be worked out even if the course focused around design theory. I learned how to design physical spaces and control the users experience through them, and now I’m using that skill set when applied to art. To me, advertising is the perfect blend of art and marketing which gives me the ability to see my creations come to life and actually work (or, fail) in a campaign. I love what I do, but this industry is cut throat. I thought studio presentations were bad, but the ad world does the same ruthless critique without the comforting blanket of “some people” understand my concept. If they don’t get it in ad, your sales will be indicative of that failure. This isn’t to say my BLA was useless, honestly, it got me where I am today, but you won't see me as a practicing landscape architect as long as I can stay in advertising. Similar to the ad world is the microculture that is New York. More than ever has it been revealed to me that the people who just coast don’t make it out here. Every day is a constant motion, working towards a larger end goal. Everyone here has ambition and is perpetually wanting more from the city, from their career, from their life. In New York, when it rains, it pours, thunderstorms, hails, it dumps down on your entire life and you feel like the rat that running across the tracks as the train approaches. Some days can feel so low and hopeless, I’ll leave work feeling like I have no place being a creative art director, but all of these awful moments make every positive one that much better. Getting a positive reaction for a concept you pitch, turning around artwork before a deadline, making it on the subway in the knick of time as the doors close right behind you– these are the moments that make every struggle worthwhile. These stupid little moments are what justifies 50% of your income going to rent. Every month here is a celebration of pursuing my passion and not giving in to what I thought I should do with my life.

mitten

caramel-mocha

digitalaidsss-deactivated201901

After a day like today, it's so hard to not be defeated. The past quarter I've been working tirelessly for the first portion of my thesis work and have been constantly battling the people who don't believe that my project is a legitimate thing or has reason. Every day I have to justify what I'm doing and why I'm doing it because of the way my department frames our senior projects, in a cookie cutter shape which fits the direction of every other project we've ever completed. Day in and day out I'm exhausted working my two jobs and working on schoolwork, and I've recently picked up a third job to help myself financially. I've been up the past week early, sleeping late, working about 30 hours a week on top of class and school. Today I had my review and I just got shit on by a handful of people, and don't get me wrong, I can totally handle constructive criticism- this wasn't it. This was rude, this was undeserved, and this was a direct attack on the way I envision the future of the design profession. I was told I need direction, I need to consider my career options, and I should just pursue fine art to represent my thoughts instead of trying to do what I have set out to. I stood there and soaked up all this negativity while I watched people with awful, awful representation and presentation skills receive positive and productive feedback because the professors saw exactly what they wanted. They saw what they envisioned for their students and regardless of the quality of graphics and ideas presented, it was what they wanted. So, yeah, maybe today I was defeated. I finally concluded that I may never be able to truly share the depth of research I've done on these topics to the point where they get it. I've learned that there's a lot of people who simply won't get it because it isn't the way their brain works, but what I've truly come to conclude is that I'm finally making decisions for myself. I'm making these choices and making the conscious choice to fight these people on a daily basis because I believe my ideas have the power to change the pigeon holed way we see design and I believe in myself to be the beginning of this change.

mitten

relunrelated

what have i learned about myself?

that i am completely and totally dependent on other people- that i can barely be alone and when i am i just sit like i am right now, thinking about how great things were before i was alone.

if that introduction didn't suffice- I'm back in slo, back to my usual unhappy self trying to weather this storm of 6 months and finally get my degree.