Bean @hisbeaniebaby - Tumblr Blog

BDSM 101: Roles and Dynamics

I. Roles:

1. Dominant: Also sometimes referred to as a top. Dominants can be any age above the age of consent, sex, or size. Dominants take control of scenes or partners in their relationships with submissives.

a. Dom - A male identified Dominant

b. Domme - A female identified Dominant

2. Submissive: Also sometimes referred to as a bottom. Submissives can be any age above the age of consent, sex, or size. Submissives give control of scenes or themselves to their chosen Dominant in their relationships with them.

a. sub - The abbreviated form of submissive. Can be any sex.

3. Switch: A person who feels comfortable adopting both Dominant and submissive roles within BDSM. Switches can be any age above the age of consent, sex, or size.

II. Dynamics:

1. BDSM provides room for individuals to create an infinite amount of roles within the Dom/sub community. Partners are encouraged to create a relationship that works well for them, using the framework, rules, and etiquette within the community. That being said, there are many commonly used roles, which have created the basic dynamics that make up BDSM.

a. Dominants and their submissives: Those who do not find one of the three more common dynamics to their liking often simply refer to themselves as Dominants and submissives. This removes much of the structure of the other dynamics, and allows them to create a BDSM relationship without further defining their roles.

b. Masters (Male Identified Dominant Role), Mistresses (Female Identified Dominant Role), and their slaves (submissive role): These relationships often begin with contracts, drawn up by the Master, and signed and agreed to by the slave. A dungeon setting or an abundance of leather is often an indication that a couple is playing within this dynamic. Those who are more sadistic or masochistic often play here as well.

c. Owners (Male or Female Identified Dominant Role) and their pets (submissive role): In this dynamic, submissives take on the role of many types of animals, often including bunnies, kittens, foxes, or puppies. These relationships often include cages, eating from pet bowls, submissives on all fours, and include such fashion as tails, ears, and leashes.

d. Caregivers (Male Identified Dominant Role is Typically Daddy, and Female Identified Dominant Role is Typically Mommy) and their littles (submissive role): This is often characterized as being the most nurturing of the dynamics. Littles often employ an innate or artificial age regression referred to as little-space, and will take on characteristics usually held by children ages 3-17, depending on what resonates with them. Caregivers use rules and tasks to provide structure within the relationship. The wearing of diapers (ABDL), pacifiers, onesies, stuffed animals, coloring, and other fashion and activities of youth are typical within this relationship. This dynamic has become immensely popular in recent BDSM history, especially within the Tumblr community.

III. Common Dynamic Abbreviations:

D/s: Dominant/submissive

M/s: Master/slave, or Mistress/slave

O/p: Owner/pet

C/l: Caregiver/little

DD/lg: Daddy Dominant/little girl

DD/lb: Daddy Dominant/little boy

MD/lg: Mommy Dominant/little girl

MD/lb: Mommy Dominant/little boy

hagsofficial

……….i’ll get my coat

this is a kind of ?? sequel to a post my amedot hero @amethirstyperidrunk made that vidalia taught amethyst about the weird human ritual that is kissing back when they hung out, and here amethyst passes on the wisdom. they might have gotten a little bit carried away.

batshitdrusilla-deactivated2018

October on her pumpkin throne. 🎃🖤🍂

love-diaries

“In life you will realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet. Some will test you, some will use you, and some will teach you.”

—

a1wayssunny

Which are you?

destinytomoon-deactivated202006

solidarity!

blushyaphrodite

lolxtakxtten-blog

being a good girl is fun & all, but pushing daddy’s buttons until he bends you over his lap & spanks your bratty ass is even better.

cherishedproperty

Let Go

I remember kneeling at his feet at the end of our first day together. He put his fingers under my chin and told me what his ownership meant. That he would be there. That I would have him always. That he would take care of me. Then he told me he felt a wall between us, and he wanted it gone. At first, I didn’t understand. I had obeyed perfectly. I pushed myself to obey even when it was hard. I showed him that I could take whatever he gave me. But he expected more than my obedience. What more was there to give?

When the wall began to fall, I finally understood what he meant. I was submitting with my body, but I hadn’t surrendered myself to him. I hadn’t opened myself and let him in. I was performing my submission to him, rather than being submissive to him. It came from outside myself—a decision to follow a script, not an outpouring of deep vulnerability. And when I finally felt safe enough to let go, to lose my self-consciousness and be truly bare with him, I was able to give more of myself than I ever thought possible.

But this emotional submission is exceedingly hard. We learn from a young age the value of controlling our emotions. I pride myself on my emotional stability and introspection. When I feel something intense or negative or surprising, I turn it over and over in my mind. I hold onto feelings until I understand them and can wrap them in little boxes with little bows. Before I share them with others, I need to be able to explain where they came from, why I’m feeling them, and what (if anything) needs to be done about them.

But that doesn’t work well in D/s. You have to let go of control, even control of your own feelings. You can’t allow another person to take responsibility for you and make your feelings off limits. My first Dom had a rule that I always had to tell him what I was feeling. Always. It didn’t matter if he was busy or stressed. It didn’t matter if I thought my feelings were stupid, or if I didn’t understand them yet. This was Rule #1. Unbreakable.

That level of openness was utterly terrifying. But I came to understand that my process was taking control from him. I was deciding what was and was not appropriate to share, and these decisions kept me from truly submitting to him. Those messy, raw emotions were as much his property as I was. It was not my place to stand between him and knowing his property, just as a car does not block its gauges from being read.

A while back, I read a submissive’s writing about what it’s like to be slapped in the face repeatedly. In the beginning, you’re a stoic submissive. You keep control over your emotions and just accept the slaps. You accept it because you want to please your Owner. Then the tears start to flow. Eventually, if it continues long enough, anger flares. Then comes the desire to throw up your hands to protect your face. In her dynamic, it was this moment—the loss of emotional control—that meant true surrender. She could no longer hold back her impulses and emotions from her Owner. These emotions belonged to him, and he wanted to see them all. Raw and unvarnished and beautiful.

At the same time, complete emotional surrender is not an excuse to lash out at your Dominant. It means working to know yourself, to know what you can and cannot give. It means addressing your feelings honestly and immediately so resentment doesn’t build. And it means communicating respectfully. Yes, you have to open yourself and share what you feel, even if it’s ugly or embarrassing. And yes, that openness is terrifying. But it’s a cornerstone of ownership. Lashing out with your emotions undermines that connection, while honest, respectful communication enhances it.

If you want a deep dynamic built on power exchange, it is not enough to submit physically; you have to surrender control over your emotions. You have to let go of the ability to filter your emotions and wait until they are neatly packaged before sharing with your Dominant. But how do you lose that desire to present your best self? It happens over time, with someone you trust deeply. It happens when someone challenges you to share more of yourself than you ever thought you could. It happens when that raw openness is rewarded—every single time, without fail.

With deep emotional submission comes a bone-deep acceptance that I never knew was possible. To be truly seen and loved in your raw and unvarnished form… For me, that is where ownership truly shines.

cherishedproperty

Meat-and-Potatoes D/s

When I first started in D/s, it felt like a missing piece of my soul had finally fallen into place. I felt for the first time like someone validated every desire I’d ever had. And then there were the rules! Such titillating, filthy rules…

But something was missing. I couldn’t understand what it was. I was in a 24/7 dynamic with the rules and structure I craved. And I could feel his ownership in every moment, through my dripping arousal. Edging in the bathroom at work, wearing a plug on appointed days, using my body when he wanted in whatever way he desired. And this was a man that I loved deeply and had a long history with. But still, the dynamic didn’t sate me the way I had imagined.

I didn’t realize what was missing until much later, when I found that bone-deep fulfillment in another D/s relationship. I had wondered if maybe I was wrong about my need for submission and power exchange—if maybe it was just another kinky thing I liked. But what I realized is that you can have 24/7 D/s with someone you love and still get D/s wrong. The difference is in how you structure it and where you put your focus.

Now that I’ve learned what fulfills me, I’ve come to see power exchange relationships as falling into two groups. I call them cotton candy D/s and meat-and-potatoes D/s. My first D/s was cotton candy. It was sexy, happy fluff. It was exactly how I wanted to submit, and it was so easy to get lost in it. But it couldn’t sustain me. The thing about cotton candy is that it tastes great when you’re eating it, and 5 minutes later you’re starving again.

Then there’s meat and potatoes. Meat and potatoes don’t bring the sugar rush that cotton candy does, but they sustain you so much longer. Meat-and-potatoes dynamics weave the power exchange into every part of the relationship. They are dynamics you can still feel when you’re doing the laundry or watching a movie together or focused at work. They do have candy. And holy wow, it is the best candy. But that’s not the core of it.

Meat-and-potatoes dynamics are about fulfilling needs, not wants. They are about each partner taking seriously their responsibilities to one another and to the dynamic. Permission for an orgasm may be denied, not in favor of edging multiple times but in favor of completing an important work/school/home project. Instructions to wear nipple clamps under clothes are traded in for instructions to schedule that damn optometrist appointment OR ELSE. A ritual about being stripped and cuffed may not lead to face fucking and hard use, but to quiet snuggles at the end of a long day.

When you build your dynamic on need fulfillment instead of wish fulfillment, it takes you down a much different path of communication. It guides Dominants to understand why their submissives make certain requests. It helps them find what their submissives genuinely need, not just what they say they need. And it helps submissives to anticipate their Dominants’ needs, even if that need is a night to themselves. These dynamics don’t rely on exciting sexual tasks to keep the ownership connection alive, because that connection flows through every interaction. Meat and potatoes may not have that jolt of excitement in every moment, but it leads to a power exchange that is much more sustainable and healthy.

I thought rules and tasks would sate my deep hunger for power exchange. But the substance matters. My first D/s felt unfulfilling, but it wasn’t the D/s itself. It was the way we built it. And once I found a dynamic that gave me bone-deep fulfillment, I wasn’t starving anymore.

Edit: I did a podcast about this post! Crazy, right? Give it a listen if you’re interested…

cherishedproperty

The Uncompromising Submissive

“You’re not really all that submissive.”

This came from a man who messaged me, intrigued by my submissive heart. He said I was clearly a natural submissive—someone who needed it to the core of my being. So far so good… But then he said he appreciated a woman who knows her place. And seriously, fuck that. I felt compelled to correct him. I responded that I am not a woman who knows her place; I am a woman who is seeking to create a place at the feet of a person who has earned it. Then I wished him luck in his search for someone. He was stunned that I would stop talking to him over “something small” like the way he phrased a sentence. He called me rigid, and he challenged my identity. Not really all that submissive.

But the thing is, dating as a submissive is fundamentally different from dating vanilla. There’s a weird duality that submissives must balance. Single submissives must look for someone they want to follow while also maintaining strong boundaries. It’s hard to hold back when you are a person who yearns to please others. But they have to be someone who deserves it—someone who has proven they are worthy of devoted submission. So when I’m dating, I have to hold back. I don’t give up control to anyone until I am overwhelmed by the need to submit. It’s only then that I know I’ve found someone worth following—someone who has inspired me to kneel.

That doesn’t happen often. I am looking for a very specific thing—a long-term relationship with ownership and power exchange at the core, woven into everything we do. I’m looking to build a life with someone. I’m looking for a person to be my person—to sleep by my side, to raise children together, to live an everyday kind of love. That is not an easy thing to find under normal circumstances. With the added layer of D/s, I know I may be searching a long time.

And yet, I would rather be alone than compromise. It’s because I know the inevitable pain of compromise. I have left a man I loved deeply because he was incapable of D/s. I have been devastated by the loss of a Dom who knew he could never be the everyday love I needed. I don’t regret those relationships, but I’m also not eager to repeat that pain. No, I will not date you if you are married and/or polyamorous with a primary partner. I will not date you if you want a vanilla relationship plus bedroom kink. I will not date you if you are long-distance. I know those roads. They almost never lead where I want to go.

I have been called uncompromising—and as a result, unsubmissive. But I’m uncompromising precisely because I am so deeply submissive. When I give, I give my whole self. I take down all my walls, and I put my Owner’s needs first. I see ownership as all-encompassing and nearly limitless. There is no part of me that my Owner shouldn’t know or see or touch. To build that kind of bond, I have to be careful who I choose as a partner. I can’t compromise what I know I need. If I do, I will never have it.

I can’t give my submission to just anyone. I have to give it to someone who needs the bond of ownership as much as I do. I have to give it to someone who shares my dreams and my vision for the future so that when I let them lead, I can follow with my whole heart. So yes, I am uncompromising—right up until the moment when I give everything. And I will settle for nothing less.

accidental-muse

this is wonderful, @cherished-property, especially:

“I would rather be alone than compromise”

“I’m uncompromising *because* I’m so deeply submissive.”

“I am uncompromising—right up until the moment when I give everything.”

thank you for another poignant and profound piece, and for the many reminders for me therein.

hedonist-woman

Love this so much.

This is something I struggled with recently. I will not compromise with him any more than I have already done, because at some point, I know I’ll give up what I really want and not even notice it until later. I’ve done that too much already.

accidental-muse

^^^