hey there đ
the pinned post will be unpinned this week. by now, it's been read by anyone who is going to. most of those docs will stay on this blog on the dates they were posted, some of them are now gone or will be, but that pinned post is doing nothing by continuing to exist as a pin now, except serve as a reminder of bad things.
that pin is also, admittedly, a very ugly, erratic, messy, and all-around awful thing. a collection of bad memories and experiences. i've learned that i was operating out of both serious trauma (by a former "advisor" of the tumblr d/s community from several years back, and the terror i felt for years to talk about it) as well as some of what was happening/had been happening last sept-oct, and my prior life. i won't take back anything i finally found the courage to speak about regarding those things, as well as anything related to 144, because he harmed a lot of people in so many ways. i also won't discuss the separate matter i turned over to a children's services department in a neighboring state because it became an active investigation when i did, and i can't.
but the way things came out of me, in many respects, was awful. probably as awful as it was for some people to read. it felt like a bursting volcano of pain that i finally had a chance to get out of me after years. and unfortunately in the early days of what happened last Fall, it was all incoming so fast to me that a lot came out in a manner i've never felt in me before, in ways i've never spoken to anyone.
i don't want to say too much more (ever again, really, about my personal life on this website, it hasn't felt safe or good to do so, in a long time), except for this:
i apologize to the decent people in that community that i hurt with my words while trying to expose and expel an abuser from it
i apologize for grouping too many people as one entity, even though i believe "the Tribe" went a long way for years at doing that on its own
I apologize for my lack of consideration to people and to friends, in the blind rage i was in. I do not include "blind rage'" to be an excuse. an explanation, perhaps, but not an excuse
i also apologize that people seemed to have trusted my previous word on some folks. i never would have expected that kind of trust to be put in me, nor did i even know until last Fall that there were people doing that.
on that last item, i've recognized that i have a huge blind spot in wanting to see the best in demonized people, who might not deserve that demonizing. i've learned i am not good at choosing partners or accepting love, and confused about how to choose friends. i have a lot of work to personally do on all of this, damage to properly process and release, and my own accountability to examine as well.
that damage, work, and accountability is what i've been focused on outside of this website this year, both in myself and on a project. my personal experiences in D/s and bdsm, and leaving it, are what i am focused on in that respect, not any blog(s) or blogger(s), or any decent tumblr d/s community that may continue to exist. i do not see those kinds of blogs anymore, and i don't want to.
i do, though, reserve the right to be talking off of this website about my own life and my experiences, and the abuses of me.
for my literal survival, i have to.
~~
I haven't posted this as a way to "return" to anything, or for anyone's acceptance. I do not want to return to that community, i have not identified with being a submissive or that lifestyle since before these events occurred. that's most of what my side diary blog all last year was working through, if you followed it before it was terminated.
it just isn't healthy or good for me on that side of this website. i recognize that my being involved in that community wasn't good for a lot of you in the end, either, and i am so sorry to the ones i hurt last Fall who didn't deserve that from me.
a handful of folks did, and do, deserve the things i said. people don't know everything.
the majority, however, did not.
~~
there is no part of me that expects this apology to be accepted, i am sure to some of you i don't deserve that acceptance and perhaps you're right. there are some of you who might never trust me again, or want anything to do with me, and i completely understand that, as well as consequences that can follow hurtful behavior. i shouldn't be immune to consequences in hurting others, as much as anyone shouldn't be.
I am going to release myself from the responsibility of how anyone chooses to interpret this post. folks will do what they will, for whatever their own reasons are. wrong conclusions drawn from it have to be beyond my concern, for my own mental and emotional health, and recovery.
i can just say this post is honest, as any words i've ever put in my spaces on this website have been.
~~
the tag on the pinned post has read "good luck to your community i hope you make it a lot better " for months. i meant it there, i mean it here now.
thank you to anyone who read this, and please stay safe. đ
~~
p.s. as it was brought to my attention at the beginning of this Shit Show Revealâą last year, as well as recently, please hear this:
if youâve ever sent a person in this place a hateful anonymous ask on my behalf, or any anon re: me, that really sucks. You suck, both for the anonymity of it (Iâve said for years I donât believe in anons in any direction), and for any unsolicited white knighting horseshit, too. christ.
anyone who did this ^ - you did that for your interests, not mine, and if you ever wondered what i'd think of that bullshit, i think it's super gross. if anyone like this is in any space of mine on this website, they should do the right thing and depart it. thank you.
