dear hayley, (or to whoever wants to read this)
when we are young, we believe our heros and inspirations are bullet proof; that they are invincible... and you wanna be like them. but then you grow up and realize you are not invincible. you get hurt, and you get down, and sometimes you just don’t feel strong enough to stand again. you stop to think to yourself “what would my hero think about that huh?”.
you go through so much and it comes to the moment where you look at yourself in the mirror. and it is scary since you can’t recognize who that person in front of you is. that person looks at you with your eyes but you feel so far away, so distant. is that even you? is that someone else and is that someone else better than i was? the answer is scary. could that person be worse than i was?
you get to see that life is not easy. not easy at all. and that you’ll be alone sometimes and your heart can be so heavy. god, the heaviness you’ll feel... and you’ll be angry, at yourself and at others, and sometimes, at the world. you will want to cry and then you won’t have enough tears. and you’ll be happy and live unforgettable moments, but sometimes you’ll forget the sound of your own laugh. and those around you can become ghosts. and you can lose them.
in that moment, you stop and again... “what would my hero think about that huh?”. but you look at them. and how they also grew. and how they also changed. you get to realize that they are just humans. they are just like you.
they go through hell too. and they can get out of there, the same as you. and they also get to look at their mirrors and not recognize who they are. and the sad part is... the world keeps wanting an answer. they keep thinking they know those heroes. and when those heroes change, the world keeps asking them “where is the old you?”. well, their old selves can be dead, or it can be only a ghost now. an echo. and that is okay. no one stays the same, not even your heroes. and in the end, they bleed, and they cry... just like you do.
your hero is suddenly not a concept, not an idea. they become real. in your eyes, they become what they actually always had been... humans. only humans. and then you see they are just like you. and there’s a conforting idea in that, right? they can go through hell with you. or maybe, you both can go through hell by yourselves, alone. but you know they are fighting too. somewhere. at the same time you have your own battles.
and why am i writing all of this? because one of those heroes of mine is and probably will always be hayley williams. the famous “paramore girl” (and i know she is proud of that - i am too). i grew up with paramore and hayley. and in these 12 years as a fan, i can say that i changed. and god, how scared i was. i went literally through hell and i got out. and yes, in the end there is a new me standing right here, writing this.
and man, i really thought that if my hero, my inspiration, could see me, she would not understand, she was bullet proof, wasn’t she? she was unstoppable, invincible... but in the end, she wasn’t. she isn’t. and what a relief to know that it’s okay. it is okay to not be invincible and to not be that concept of a hero. how good it feels to know that the woman that i grew up watching and the woman that is my inspiration till today... is just as human as i am.
so all of this (i know... i can’t stop writing when i start) was to say thank you. thank you, hayley, for sharing your truth, and your battles with us. thank you for showing that it is okay to be hurt, and to feel anger, and to feel lost. that being human is complicated and a really crazy concept, but it is what it is. and thank you for being exactly the person you are. it is so good to know my inspiration, my hero... is real. she is a real person, a real human. i can’t wait to live this new chapter of your life with you. again, as i’ve been doing through these 12 years.
and hayley, even if you doubt your strength sometimes... just know that there’s a girl somewhere that believes in you. because she was once lost and alone just like you. and we both managed to survive, didn’t we? how brave and insane of us. maybe being brave, and being lost, and being insane... are only consequences. or maybe they are the same thing. maybe they are just other names for all of us. who knows, right?
- lari
