6/18/25 Stressed.
I can't believe that I have less than one month until I have to make a big life decision. I got accepted to the University of Southern California to pursue a master's in Educational Counseling. And while I have made the decision that I want to attend, there are a lot of challenges and barriers along the way. I'm currently working a job where my coworker has left their position, and I'm balancing both of our caseloads. Right now, it's peak time for student support at my job. I've been working extra hours, and it's not enough. When I'm off, I am actively figuring out how I'm going to be able to pay for tuition. I'm constantly applying to scholarships in my available time—applications that take so long to complete. Four scholarships in, and I haven't made a dent in what I'm going to have to pay.
That's on top of being first-gen and learning the process of what it means to be a graduate student. I have so many tasks I need to complete before matriculating onto the campus. I also need to find a new job. I've sent numerous job applications, but the educational field is so competitive in Southern California that I've only gotten rejections. And with the current political administration being against education and making impacts on the field, it's made seeking a job challenging.
I also need to move all my stuff from Northern California, but I don't know how I'm going to do that. My father had made a promise to help me, but he's been relapsing into alcohol and getting into complicated problems. I'd have to move back home too, since I haven't been able to secure a job. That would mean dealing with family problems—with my mom always crying and talking about divorce, and the risk that my father will relapse and be at risk of killing himself. And no matter how much I have told him to seek therapy, he hasn't committed to seeking professional help.
I would also have to commute from Riverside to Los Angeles, and while I can borrow my family's car, that's a lot of gas money... and parking money (over $500 a year for parking at USC).
Emotionally, I've given my partner the option to move in with me. You know, with a lot of graduate students, I always see their partners committing to helping their significant other with such a big transition. And solutions are always found in these relationships if any challenges arise, because this isn't just about personal achievements or attending graduate school. It's a big transition for a better life, more job opportunities, a higher salary—things that can help a relationship so much.
I'm constantly thinking about a future with my partner. But I've seen and been told about hesitations from my partner about moving. Yet, when his friends proposed a sudden move to another state—Florida—he was so quick to let go of everything for that. And when I give him the chance to go with me, all of a sudden, there are insecurities about moving to another place and finding another job. It almost makes me feel like he's not ready to make such a commitment, or even that he may not have the same feelings I have for him.
Regardless, since he was so quick to let everything go and not do long distance, I've also made the decision that if I do leave for Southern California and he doesn't want to go with me, we would end our relationship there. That means falling into the risk of dealing with heartbreak while I'm managing graduate school, a new job, living with family, and more.
I just don't know how I'm going to get through this. I don't know what solutions there are anymore. I might have to apply for the online program, but I wouldn't get the full scope of the graduate experience. And I'll have to keep applying to scholarships and more jobs.
All that to say: I'm stressed, and I need help.


















