holakid @holakid - Tumblr Blog

6/18/25 Stressed.

I can't believe that I have less than one month until I have to make a big life decision. I got accepted to the University of Southern California to pursue a master's in Educational Counseling. And while I have made the decision that I want to attend, there are a lot of challenges and barriers along the way. I'm currently working a job where my coworker has left their position, and I'm balancing both of our caseloads. Right now, it's peak time for student support at my job. I've been working extra hours, and it's not enough. When I'm off, I am actively figuring out how I'm going to be able to pay for tuition. I'm constantly applying to scholarships in my available time—applications that take so long to complete. Four scholarships in, and I haven't made a dent in what I'm going to have to pay.

That's on top of being first-gen and learning the process of what it means to be a graduate student. I have so many tasks I need to complete before matriculating onto the campus. I also need to find a new job. I've sent numerous job applications, but the educational field is so competitive in Southern California that I've only gotten rejections. And with the current political administration being against education and making impacts on the field, it's made seeking a job challenging.

I also need to move all my stuff from Northern California, but I don't know how I'm going to do that. My father had made a promise to help me, but he's been relapsing into alcohol and getting into complicated problems. I'd have to move back home too, since I haven't been able to secure a job. That would mean dealing with family problems—with my mom always crying and talking about divorce, and the risk that my father will relapse and be at risk of killing himself. And no matter how much I have told him to seek therapy, he hasn't committed to seeking professional help.

I would also have to commute from Riverside to Los Angeles, and while I can borrow my family's car, that's a lot of gas money... and parking money (over $500 a year for parking at USC).

Emotionally, I've given my partner the option to move in with me. You know, with a lot of graduate students, I always see their partners committing to helping their significant other with such a big transition. And solutions are always found in these relationships if any challenges arise, because this isn't just about personal achievements or attending graduate school. It's a big transition for a better life, more job opportunities, a higher salary—things that can help a relationship so much.

I'm constantly thinking about a future with my partner. But I've seen and been told about hesitations from my partner about moving. Yet, when his friends proposed a sudden move to another state—Florida—he was so quick to let go of everything for that. And when I give him the chance to go with me, all of a sudden, there are insecurities about moving to another place and finding another job. It almost makes me feel like he's not ready to make such a commitment, or even that he may not have the same feelings I have for him.

Regardless, since he was so quick to let everything go and not do long distance, I've also made the decision that if I do leave for Southern California and he doesn't want to go with me, we would end our relationship there. That means falling into the risk of dealing with heartbreak while I'm managing graduate school, a new job, living with family, and more.

I just don't know how I'm going to get through this. I don't know what solutions there are anymore. I might have to apply for the online program, but I wouldn't get the full scope of the graduate experience. And I'll have to keep applying to scholarships and more jobs.

All that to say: I'm stressed, and I need help.

#personal #thoughts

I knew...

Deep down, I knew my ex was cheating on me. There were so many signs I ignored because I was clinging to the hope that our relationship could work. I kept pushing, giving him second chances, even when I knew he was doing shady things behind my back. Even when I saw the lack of effort. Even when I realized he didn’t really care about me. But I was blinded by the idea of love and gave up so much for him.

Eventually, I just got tired. I became numb to the pain and distanced myself enough to finally let go. I remember you crying over the phone when we broke up, the regret in your voice, and I remember how distant I felt in that moment. You had pushed me so far away already.

Even before that, I always sensed that you weren’t truly happy in our relationship. I was constantly questioning your actions—talking to other men on social media, staying out later than usual, suspicious accounts, unexplained gaps in communication, freaking out when we’d see certain people in public. Realizing now that those were the people you had cheated on me with. Looking back, it’s almost laughable how blind I was—damn, I was dumb, haha.

Years later, I finally got the confirmation I needed—you were cheating. A lot.

You’re trash for treating me the way you did. And while I’ve moved past that and forgiven my past with you, your actions still left consequences. They impacted my ability to trust, and I can see that bleeding into my newer relationships.

I’m working on healing those wounds, and at the same time, these experiences have taught me how to protect myself. Most importantly, they’ve taught me how to value myself. But I still feel anger toward myself sometimes—always going above and beyond, always being kind, always giving my all, only to end up being taken advantage of. And yet, that's not going to stop me from believing in the good in people.

As I continue working on myself, I hope that one day I’ll be in a relationship built truly on trust, love, effort, and safety. Because that's what I deserve - a love that's genuine, authentic, and mutual.

#Fuck you Gio #personal #letters to the unknown #thoughts

divergent998-blog

holakid

💔

evangerions-deactivated20140426

toky09

najsigt

‘I am so tired of my own voice’

natsonice

like no one ever was

mydigimonworld

amalasdraws

Record Store

A New Chapter

A few months have passed and I now live in San Jose. I moved here because of my new job position as a college adviser for UC Berkeley.

I never thought I would return to the place I previously walked away from.

But I am back to make a difference to a community in need of help. The help I wish I got when I left Cal.

I help high school students prepare for college and their transition into adulthood. However, with that comes an intersection of challenges.

First, I carry the weight of being a new adviser, with only a handful of trainings given to help these students out.

And as much as I desire to help them, I feel like I don't know enough to do so.

I do my best and continue to work after hours to learn what I did not get in training.

But there's also the added pressure of continuing the great service the previous adviser made. He made this huge mark in these students lives, and I can't help but feel the effects of imposter syndrome as I fall in his shadow.

So while I adjust to this work setting, I also balance the new life I brought to myself.

I am now in a city where I don't know anyone.

I live with housemates I barely know and wish I got along with.

There are no friends or family members who live close to me, so I often spend the time by myself.

And there's no one significant that I am talking to.

As I begin this journey into my thirties, I realize that the dating world is different. Going on dates are not the same because conversations now involve the topics of occupation, financial standing, family, mobility, and future aspirations.

And while those are important conversations to have, I am still trying to navigate that myself.

Being a recent post-grad, I am still trying to figure out what I want to do for my future. Whether that's pursuing a master's program, a new job, or a new living space.

You know, sometimes, I just wish I had the opportunity to meet a person that understands me and makes me feel not so alone.

With all that said, I feel as if I am beginning this new chapter that so many have already moved on from. And there's just me trying to figure this all out.

#personal #thoughts

aysonatelier

i deserve a slow love. reciprocated. consistent. stable. whole. the type of love that makes me wonder why i ever let anyone else treat me any other way.

perfectfeelings

“One day, whether you are 14, 28 or 65, you will stumble upon someone who will start a fire in you that cannot die. However, the saddest, most awful truth you will ever come to find - is they are not always with whom we spend our lives.”

— Beau Taplin, Hunting Season