I haven’t used this blog in a few months, but I have been having a really hard time lately. I am 21 years old and I’ll be 22 in 3 months. I feel like I have literally accomplished nothing. I have a mediocre job. I don’t have my associates degree when I already should have it. I am treated like a child. My self confidence has just plummeted. Before, I was self conscious, but this, this is a whole new ball game. I feel so disgusting in my own skin. I don’t feel pretty. Before, there were at least two or three things I liked about myself, but now, I cannot find one. I literally hate everything about the way I look. I have uneven skin, my legs are getting chunky, I have a muffin top, my eyes are too squinty, my boobs are small, and blah. I just feel so freaking disgusting and I am so tired of crying about it every night.
On top of my body issues, I feel like have absolutely nothing to offer anybody. I feel like I cannot trust anyone. I feel like everyone that I come into contact with has different motives. I just feel like so many people want stuff from me and I feel like I have to please them all. With all that stress and pressure, i know I’m not pleasing anyone. I’m just some girl who is just another face in the crowd. I’m horribly inadequate. I cannot even begin to explain how fucked up I am. I’m so emotionally drained and exhausted. I am so stressed out with work and pursing school. I am stressed when it comes to my family stuff and I am so completely stressed with just myself that I cannot express how I really am. Everything is just a facade and it is scaring me cause I don’t even know who I am anymore.
I am unraveling and I have no one to talk to about it. I would talk to my family about it, but they aren’t supportive. They have their own shit to work out. I just wish my mom would follow through with her threats when she says she wants a divorce from my dad cause I am so tired of them arguing all the time. All they ever do is argue about money and how my dad doesn’t make enough and how he has a spending problem. I just want to stop hearing how my mom has to do everything and how they have to borrow money from me and my brother because they cannot figure out their own finances.
I cannot talk to my friends because I don’t think any of them would understand how I feel. They would probably not care or think I am being over dramatic. That’s partially my fault cause of the pure fact that I am so good at pretending that I am happy and that noting is bothering me when in actuality everything is. Even if I talked to them I don’t think I have the strength to. I do t like bothering people with my problems. I don’t want to bring my friends down. I’m not good at opening up to my friends or really anyone for that matter. I just want someone to take me seriously and not some damn joke.
I feel really alone and that is the scariest feeling in the whole entire world. I just want to shut out everybody, but I know what happens when I do that. I make horrible bad decisions and do really dumb stupid shit to myself to make me feel better or at least try to.
I mean I could always go back to my therapist, but she was absolutely horrible. I was able to talk to her, but I don’t want someone who just sits there and listen. I want someone who will sit there and try and give me some kind of coping mechanism. It sucks because deep deep deep down I just want someone to hug me and tell me they love me and that everything will be okay, but that will never ever happen. I have all these feelings and sweet ideas and gestures in my head that I will never ever be able to express or do because I am so damn closed off.
I have no one to blame, but my damn self and that is excruciating to think. I am debilitating myself and I have no idea how to stop it. Jesus, I cannot even think about how boys see me. I haven't met ONE guy that actually likes me for me. I don't think I ever will. All guys want to do is sleep with me and that's it. So I just accepted the fact that I am fucking material, not dating material. No one will ever actually really love me or really ever want to be with me. I wanna say that I am okay with that, but I'm not. I have all these dreams and aspirations that I want in the future and I would love to share that with a significant other, but I know that will never happen. So why try? Whatever. I'm just doomed I guess.
