You don't wear my chains.

Holden + Health and Society + 19.

[holdenforester]

text to: Luciana

Luciana: Be still, my beating heart. I have my doubts, but if you're being truthful, I think you've accomplished the impossible, Mr. Forester, and I send you my congratulations.

Holden: I was being truthful. It's taken me months, but the truth found it's way around. Funny enough, it's the reason I texted you.

Holden: It'll always be more than just completely and utterly in like.

[holdenforester]

text to: Luciana

Luciana: I thought that old men had to be in bed before 10 pm?

Holden: Harsh. To think I was going to tell you I lost.. 'the glare'..

[holdenforester]

text to: Luciana

Holden: It's 1:50 in Connecticut right now, but I feel like you're awake.

[maxthieriot]

[holdenforester]

Dear Holden,

Forgive me for my fairly incessant habit of turning up out of the blue, whether it be in the form of written words or actual physical form. I honestly don't mean to catch you by surprise, especially when I know you're not fond of those. Should I start with a warning? I'm dreading this letter, honestly. I'm sitting in the library here, letting my eyes fall on the rows of endless books and I'm wondering if this was the worst place to convey these thoughts into words. Pure torture.

I'm aware that there were never any expectations placed upon our shoulders, merely a few strings that we knew would always be loose enough to span the distance from one coast to another. I've been spending a lot of spare time stuck in thought, working through my own impulses, instincts, and good intentions. Those seem to be what I toss out so easily in your presence, so I was hoping to be able to think more clearly in the comfort of solitude. 

I think I speak for us both by saying I assumed it'd get easier with time and distance. After all, those are the first steps to forgetting, right? Out of sight, out of mind. Personally, I could not have been more wrong. 

There's a guy here. That sentence alone was hard enough to write. I'm not sure if you can tell by my usually sloppy writing or not. Before you jump to any conclusions, it's nothing significant. It's not even anything worth a label, merely an idea or an after-thought in my head of what it could possibly develop into. When I came back to San Diego before Christmas, I want you know that there were no hidden agendas on my end, no need for closure, no ill intentions. 

Truth be told, I planned to stay under the radar. I'm not sure if that makes matters worse, as if I were planning to hide from you in anyway. It hurts, Holden. The uncertainty and the disorganization of it all hurts because I'm not the person to take those risks. It's something we have in common. One of many. 

And look, I'm reduced to a fumbling, scattered mess again. Perhaps I shouldn't written this in pen. Perhaps I shouldn't be writing this at all. Odds are, you've moved on. 

There's a point to this letter, I promise. Whether it be the idea of you, a sweet nostalgia of the short time with you, or a culmination of every comforting quality you possess—I love you. I don't say that as this grand confession or some expressive hook to keep you dangling on. I say it because you're important to me and even with time and distance working against us, you've continued to be a voice in my head. 

I'm not sure if there's some concrete timeline for how relationships — romantic or platonic— should pan out and I know that we weren't given much of a window, but that doesn't change the impact you've had on me and continue to have on me merely by being a structure in my life. 

Holden, you have the ability to make someone feel that way. You are built entirely of gravitation sincerity; you are comprised of nothing less than the most redeeming qualities I've come by to date. Don't let your fear of change hinder you from any experience and please don't wait in peace until someone else catch you off guard, because when you take those moments to break your own habits, you have the ability to impulsively impress anyone. 

Thank you for dancing with me. Thank you for taking a chance. Thank you for kissing so carefully like you might break me, because you did in the most agonizingly remarkable way. Most of all, thank you for showing me that not all change is bad, that not everyone who leaves is gone forever, and that there are still people out there who deserve to have faith bestowed upon them. 

With complete and utter love,

Luciana.

[maybelogic]

[luciana-everett-deactivated2020]

In that case, I guess my timing was fairly serendipitous for this visit. 

[holdenforester]

It's funny because I never really believed in serendipity before this, before you. And now I can't help but question why it works the way it does.

[luciana-everett-deactivated2020]

Why is it that I’m the only one who can coax you into these things? It’s certainly not my extravagant invitations or my dancing skills. 

[holdenforester]

To be honest, I'm not quite sure. I still haven't been able to figure it out just yet. Something -- though I'm not sure what it is yet, -- something is different. The idea of you being around for this cliche thing, gives me the implication that it's going to be a lot more memorable than it would be without you.

[luciana-everett-deactivated2020]

I hope it’s not for a lack of practicing. Don’t tell me you’ve forgone any social events since then.

[holdenforester]

...Would you like a lie, or the truth..?

[holdenforester]

I'm afraid my dancing hasn't gotten any better since Prom.

[luciana-everett-deactivated2020]

I-I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. Uh..

It’s not always a bad thing to sound that way. We all have our reasons. She’s really nice and incredibly driven, I can tell. I hope you don’t mind that. Like I said before, I’d really like to avoid crossing any boundaries. It had just come up in conversation. Trust me, though, what I know of Greg, they’re all great things.

[holdenforester]

No, no. Don't apologize. Some things in the past are coated with dust for a reason. Some are too coated to bring up, but that's not one. That's definitely not one to hide or be ashamed of. I've never been so enticed to speak of the distilled colored stained ring left by a can of Redbull before, this is something I don't mind speaking of.

Yes, well.. When you're branded with a name like this, you try your best to steer clear from any sort of relation. She is. I'm lucky to have her. She's a big part in why I'm as normal as I am. Normal.. is not the best word to use. She's the reason I'm as sane as I am, and I've got to thank her for a lot. 

A.. man that flies from his fear may find that he has only taken a shortcut to meet them. I've.. been stopped on a road because I've avoided a lot of confrontation from my past. I don't.. want to do that anymore. I don't want to be stuck.. I don't know if you've picked up on this, but I'm a rather introverted person. My mom and dad are really to point fingers at. I never had a traditional upbringing, and I'm.. ashamed, for lack of a better word.

[lorraine-baker-blog]

Sorry, sorry mom. That was thoughtless.

Luci, it definitely matters. If it were Mario that were taking you, I’d put a crown on your head and put you in a pink dress. If it were Gatsby, we’d throw you in a flapper dress. You have to dress for the person. Well— for yourself, with the person in mind. I won’t threaten him or share weird stories or tell him about Isaac either. I’m not evil, okay?

[luciana-everett-deactivated2020]

You’re forgiven.

He’s definitely more of a Gatsby. He’s, uh— humble, considerate, really quick and witty, incredibly careful. Careful in the sense of being thoughtful and guarded. He’s certainly not one to lay it all out there, but my god, when you’re lucky enough to catch a moment of inconsistency with his stoicism, his sincerity isn’t something you forget or let go unnoticed. 

I probably shouldn’t have come back to visit. 

[luciana-everett-deactivated2020]

A lot of good. 

I completely and utterly have. You don’t have to explain it to me. Seeing it is enough and all that I need to understand. It’s not my place to pry. She doesn’t seem frightening at all, which is a plus for me. We, uh— discussed keeping in touch as well, actually in the sense of pen pals, at least. Oh, she and Greg? Really? For her sake, I hope he’s tamed the mustache.

[holdenforester]

Yea.. completely and utterly. It's not that... It's not that I don't want to. It's just that -- I -- I'm not sure how to without sounding like a completely bitter, cynical Holden Caulfield. Halston? She's harmless, for the most part. Unless she knows your secrets. She'll hold them against you for the rest of your life. Perhaps that's just with me, I'm not quite sure what she's capable of in the blackmail department. Oh.. you.. did? That's nice. I'm sure she'd like that a lot. I hope for her sake, he's not as strange as he came off to be.

[luciana-everett-deactivated2020]

Well, I speak the truth. The rest of my suitors failed miserably and I’m happy they did. His test has served pretty well thus far. That doesn’t mean they don’t still have an effect on me, unfortunately.

I’ve never met someone so quick to toss out Tolkien quotes in casual conversation. If you think I’m going to laugh at you, you’re wrong. It’s endearing, really, that the two of you are so close and share those sort of memories. Oh no. She’s not going to get all overprotective because I accepted your invitation to this ball, is she? I’ve never been interrogated by a sibling before. I’m not sure how I’d handle the pressure.

[holdenforester]

I'm happy they did, as well, as horrible as that sounds. I'm sure they've served some good as well though, hm?

Sounds like you've met your match then. It's.. not really something I'm all too inept to explaining. Most siblings don't share the bond we do, and it's just.. not the best reasoning as to why we are the way we are with each other. I don't think you should worry about her. If she does, just bring up whoever Greg is, and it should keep her quiet. 

[luciana-everett-deactivated2020]

Would you believe me if I said I think he’s most partial to you? Certainly more so than anyone else he’s purposely intimidated on my behalf. Don’t play coy with me. Your little smirks and lines are very well initiated, mister. 

I was going to go with the intelligence that sits beneath the glare. It intimidated me a lot more. Don’t. Don’t get mad at your sister. She only revealed that she’s been dancing her whole life. I may not be as observant as you, but I could put it together, but that frustration leaves me questioning if there’s more to it. How many classes did you take?

[holdenforester]

I wouldn't believe you in the slightest, actually. And if it's true, I feel much remorse on behalf of the other gents who have had an interest in you. I guess they clearly weren't fit enough to make the cut in Josh's test. Perhaps they are but you're far too keen on them to slip between the cracks.

I don't see why, you're just as high up. I'll have you know before you, I'd never met someone who'd pick up on my Tolkien quotes. That's definitely something to remember and be intimidated by. There's.. a lot more to it. But it's not really my forte, dusting off the nice set of bitterness perched up on the shelf of the past. I didn't take any classes. I was dragged along to the studio a few times when my parents didn't pick me up from school. Halston had to watch me, and she did so from Miss Lovell's dance studio at times.

[luciana-everett-deactivated2020]

Technically, he’s here as well, so you may get the chance to ask him yourself. He’s been running around. Apparently formal student body presidents are very busy people, he tells me. I’m still in shock that he put you through that torture. Do you see that? Just what you did? That’s why I get nervous. 

You’re all sorts of intimidating, Holden Forester, I promise you that. Would this recreation involve your dance skills again? After chatting with your sister, I’ve come to realize why you’re so good, as much as you like to deny it. I do a lot of falling, but I promise, no one’s else has caught me yet.

[holdenforester]

Is he? I'd make an effort to find him, but something tells me he's still not pleased with my existence. Believe me, I am just as shocked, I didn't expect it. It's fine, though, he had a right, I suppose. I actually have no idea what you're talking about.

It's the glare, that's it. Get past it and I'm not too intimidating, I don't think. But that's probably just my biased opinion. Oh God. No. She -- Halston. 

[luciana-everett-deactivated2020]

For the record, our football team would win, only because you’re now lacking Mr. Graham from your roster. Normally, I’d be insulted by that statement, but I’ve learned to embrace that sort of thing.

I find it incredibly humorous that anyone would be nervous in my presence, especially you. Your risk paid off though, did it not? At least, I’m hoping that you were wanting me to say ‘yes.’ You’re crazy to think that anyone would even try to sweep me off my feet. I’m pretty clumsy, remember? I do that myself.

[holdenforester]

Isn't he in Arizona? I doubt your team would be any good without him, either, you know. How is.. he, anyway? Last time he and I spoke, it was in the uncomfortable aura of shopping for tux's. As you should, it's not a good look on many but you're an exception. You've always been an exception.

My thoughts were exactly the same come your words of being nervous. I mean, I understand the old man glare is intimidating and all, but it never really stood a chance when it came to you. It did, I was hoping to recreate that night, actually. You caught me. I guess what I meant to say is I was hoping no one had volunteered to catch you in a self inflicted slip, then.