you were here

poetry about girls who don't love me. julie shaw. 20. richmond.

[thequotejournals]

Those years weren’t lost. They simply weren’t the way I’d planned them.

Kurt Vonnegut (via thequotejournals)

[godzillafan420]

Me and my partner had fun at pride!

[nchezzi]

[holdmycoldhands-blog]

6:07

i woke her up with kisses down her spine

her fingers wrapped around mine

we kissed with the taste of beer and cigarettes still on our tongues

it was raining outside

as gentle as her heart melting 

[holdmycoldhands-blog]

Sometimes when i get too high I start to see stars and suddenly there's nothing but space around me and i can see you shouting my name from the moon keeping our promise to meet there when everything went to shit you always joked about how gravity was against me when i fell for you

and it definitely is now, dodging shooting stars to reach the crater that's lucky enough to hold you I wish we looked at the stars more often but I was always looking at you I wish we bought a space ship and flew to the moon years ago when everything was perfect but i live in the city now and I only see stars when I'm high and youre someone else's favorite part of the universe fuck wishes and weed you're still gone

[holdmycoldhands-blog]

“When I spend the night at a girl's house I don't sleep I crawl out of her window I replace my body in her arms with a bundle of blankets and I leave but it was late and I was drunk so I couldn't drive home I slept beside her, holding her, taking her scent in and out in every breath it was like a reason to breathe I should have fucked her I should have tip toed to the front door I could have slept on the floor anything so I wouldn't wake up beside the most incredible smile in the world and fall in love just to have you knock the wind out”

-Julie Shaw. Still Depressed

[abduction]

Love ends.

[holdmycoldhands-blog]

"I don't feel like I'm growing older or taller or wiser I just feel like the hole inside is getting wider And I'm so tired Maybe if I slept my dreams could fill the space And I wouldn't feel so goddamn empty all of the time But that's not the case I couldn't sleep beside you And I can't sleep without you So I'm not sure what I want at all Just a few hours maybe Where my thoughts get tired too And into that hole I begin to fall" -Julie Shaw. 4:26 am

[holdmycoldhands-blog]

“sunday morning and I can’t sleep without you

I’m wiping white powder off of my nose from the night before

at 2pm I don’t remember falling asleep

or waking up 

or ever existing, really

I just have blood on my sheets from nose bleeds 

and so many beer cans I can barely see my floor

I can only see the space in my bed where you used to be

but you left too early. 

without a kiss on my forehead or a goodbye

I understand why 

but once things get less blurry will you come back?

I promise I’m not a fuck up I’m just fucked up all of the time

because my brain doesn’t know how to comprehend the fact that I’m alive

so it tries so hard not to be.

I hope you can see me behind the cigarette smoke 

I’m not hiding

I’m just hibernating 

from having such a cold heart

but I felt so warm beside you”

-Julie Shaw. Cold October

[holdmycoldhands-blog]

“sunday morning and I can’t sleep without you

I’m wiping white powder off of my nose from the night before

at 2pm I don’t remember falling asleep

or waking up 

or ever existing, really

I just have blood on my sheets from nose bleeds 

and so many beer cans I can barely see my floor

I can only see the space in my bed where you used to be

but you left too early. 

without a kiss on my forehead or a goodbye

I understand why 

but once things get less blurry will you come back?

I promise I’m not a fuck up I’m just fucked up all of the time

because my brain doesn’t know how to comprehend the fact that I’m alive

so it tries so hard not to be.

I hope you can see me behind the cigarette smoke 

I’m not hiding

I’m just hibernating 

from having such a cold heart

but I felt so warm beside you”

-Julie Shaw. Cold October

[holdmycoldhands-blog]

”pill bottles sleeping inside pillow cases keeping warm beside halloween candy and my biggest fears hiding from my impulsivity and instability, all still there when I crawl out of bed stepping on splinters sticking straight out of the floor boards pushing the wood in as I walk beside splattered raspberries that fumbled out of my drunken fingers the night before the red color covers the floor I don’t remember getting home I’m not sure what’s going on”

- Julie Shaw. Memories of You

[holdmycoldhands-blog]

“I wasn't expecting you when I heard the door close

it was sharp but i kept my eyes on the dripping rim of my coffee cup

I wasn't expecting my heart to free fall to my gut when I looked up

I tried to seem as beautiful as you but no such thing exists

and your fingertips sprouted flowers to become the softest thing against my skin

the desire for more made me never want to say goodbye

I cried when I heard you cry

because my wrists were bound to my bones

and I couldn't stretch my arms far enough to hold you

your eyes weren’t blue but the space between the clouds held the way you looked at me

so softly

I remember the way your arms felt

like tree limbs

wrapped around me with kisses on the back of my neck

it felt like leaves falling to the ground

I felt safe

in a world full of chaos you were my peace

you had roots so deep in the earth 

I held onto you when I was afraid I would fly away

and you shoved love letters in my rustled feathers

weighting my wings down with love for you

but gravity is my greatest enemy

so I kissed you between your sleepy eyes

and away I flew”

Julie Shaw. Blue Jay

[holdmycoldhands-blog]

“your sweaters don’t lie on the floor beside my bed anymore,

your toothbrush doesn’t sit patiently on the end of my sink,

your beer cans 

don’t wait on the bottom shelf of my fridge

for your desperate moments.

your arm doesn’t fall asleep under my pillow at night

and your fictional lullabies about love don’t make a sound now.

you took it all with you,

memories and promises and touches all packed away 

in that little suitcase.

you left and haven’t said a word since,

so why do i still step over empty spaces on the floor

expecting your love to be there?”

-Julie Shaw. Leave Already

[holdmycoldhands-blog]

”do you believe we came from the stars?

not like superman

because we’re nothing like heroes

but

there’s a whole universe out there and I found

you.

maybe stardust falls on mommy’s bellies or

we were gigantic lightbulbs in space that imploded

but forever is forever

so we became people in order to love again,

in order to feel each other’s warmth.

it was winter when we met,

i remember gray clouds and goosebumps

that fled the scene when you smiled at me

like i stepped into a patch of sunlight

after the world went dark.

I have cold hands but you said you never noticed.”

- Julie Shaw. Wasting Time // Believing In Forever

[holdmycoldhands-blog]

“it’s been two years ,

so why do i still know the sound of your voice so well?

why do i feel your touch in the warmth of my sheets 

when summer nights let your sighs blow through my windows?

it’s been two years and you love her.

and i promise i’m still working on loving myself

but it’s just easier to love something beautiful.

it’s been two years and her skin doesn’t feel like yours.

I try to trick myself at night and pretend you’re the one sharing my pillow

but it’s been two years

since i even heard you say my name.”

- Julie Shaw. 1051200 Minutes

[holdmycoldhands-blog]

“we wait for peace at bus stops and train stations

checing our watches and stomping our feet

hoping it’ll come in time for us to get home for dinner,

in time for us to kiss our kids foreheads before they fall asleep.

we wait for peace at the table for two

but we’re the only one so we drink the bar dry to ease the diappointment.

waiters are making bets that it’ll never come

so we swallow our shame in the form of pills and leave.

we wait for peace at the front door after cerfew,

pacing on porch steps, anxious of it never arriving

we convert our fear to anger and yell at the officer

because it was his job to protect our precious peace.

the minute hand on our watch stops ticking

the pills take over our thoughts until we stop thinking

the sun comes up and we’re still standing on that front porch,

crying,

hoping, 

and waiting.”

- Julie Shaw. Patience

[holdmycoldhands-blog]

“throw her favorite mug across the room

imagine it’s your heart

watch it shatter

create a new shade of pink

from your tears and the dripping blood from picking up the sharp pieces

paint a self portrait

make it soft

run your brushes and the scrapes on your palms

under cold water

watch the reds disappear

as they do, picture the lipstick she wore on your first date

cover her in that color

she is red

watch her disappear”

-Julie Shaw. How To Let Go