Why Paris Means So Much More
Itâs been a long time since Iâve blogged. Mostly because I got so tired of the constant noise on the internet from everyone screaming âlook at me, my life is worthy of attentionâ. I guess I got to the point where I learnt to stop telling everyone how great my life was and just started letting my life speak for itself. I still post photos, but my engagement and care about the social media world has dwindled. But I also realised something else.
 I used to write for other peopleâfor my friends and family to know what was going on in my life. But my focus shifted to knowing that the people who cared the most were already aware  of my movements and checked in consistently. I write in a journal several times a week. The sanctity of privacy has become more valuable.
Having said that, I miss posting diary style posts. The good old days of Tumblr and Blogspot where SEO and affiliate marketing werenât the goal. When sharing because my heart felt moved to was the point. When I wrote in my authentic voice and didnât produce content to fit âmy brandâs voiceâ.
 I went back home to California and Ohio this year. I hadnât been back since I got married in 2017, and I had left a whole life in boxes in my momâs garage. Iâve kept journals a majority of life, as young as eight years old.
 And when I had the opportunity to dive into those boxes, I knew I had very much put away my past and forgotten the little girl whoâs dream in life was to be a writer. What constitutes being a writer? Simple: someone who writes.
 If we based it on monetary value/getting paid for what you do, people like Emily Dickenson wouldnât be classified as a writer, and what a shame that would be. She knew who she was, what she loved, and she did it regardless of whether it brought her money or fame.
 I believe reading diaries to be one of the most incredibly insightful forms of literature, the most famous probably being Anne Frankâs. We dive into the mind of the human experience. A tiny book contains the universe manifested on paper. They capture not only an individualsâ emotions and personal perspective/experience, but depicts history through a lens that only one singular person can convey.
 As an (non professional) anthropologist, it was the most fascinating study to review my own mind and life, my growth and my history as I opened those boxes and pulled out scrap papers, notebooks, lists upon lists, lyrics, essays from high school and college on studying the thing I loved the most: literature.
I discovered a life plan list I had made at 15 (several lists in fact), and all of them included becoming a writer. Truthfully, I had shunned this dream after hearing a boyfriendâs family harshly criticize their cousin for choosing to study English in college, having the same dream as me. I felt shame and embarrassment at having obtained my AA in comparative literature and having nothing to show for in terms of a profession.Â
And I wasnât interested in doing copywriting or hustling to make money from a personal blog documenting my travels. It may not have given me a profession, but at the age of 30 I know what value that degree has given me.
 I was hit with nostalgia and remorse for ever forgetting this passion and this version of myself. Also on my life plan list (and every list I have ever made up to this day) has included one major dream: to spend two-three months in Paris studying the language, art, and having an apartment near the Eiffel Tower WITH A CAT.
 I have had this vision as long as I can remember. My mom got me Eiffel Tower posters, a house warming gift of an Eiffel Tower wine rack, and Parisian charms on a necklace. I took French in high school even though I lived in southern California and definitely sometimes regret not taking Spanish.
 And most recently Iâve discovered, out of everywhere in the world, I have the least amount of French DNA in my body. I am more African than I am French. So why this insane drive and love of francophone culture?
 I think on some spiritual level, I knew this vision was supposed to play a key moment in my life, was supposed to be a part of my story and an overarching theme throughout my journal writing for all of these years.
I went to France six years ago just for a week, but I can easily say it was the best week of my life. Booking a one-way ticket to Paris was a catapult to a journey I had no idea was waiting for me and would find me living on the other side of the planet married to a wonderful man.
 But it wasnât easy getting there.
 I had the opportunity to go do something similar to my vision in Salzburg when I was offered an au pairing position for two girls for nine months. But I was with a partner who didnât want me to go. I also turned down a full-ride scholarship to college to stay with him. Ultimately I wanted an unconventional life of travel, and his job was central to LA so we parted ways.
 I was offered another opportunity a few years later to au-pair for a little girl in Paris for six months. I was with a partner who didnât want me to go. My values remained the same where I wanted a life of travel and felt like I was dragging my partner to want the same as we planned to teach in South Korea, but I knew his heart wasnât in it and he wanted a cosy life. So we parted ways.
 Cam and I started housesitting in July of 2017. We vowed to spend a year doing this and seeing how we liked it. I loved it, but Cam was averse to so much upheaval and wanted stability/no chaos, and given a bit of tumultuous in his 20âs, it was completely valid. Â
But, then came Covid. We spent all of Covid in lockdown in Australia not only within the first three years of our marriage but of our relationship. I found myself reeling as we bud heads on the notion of building a home vs. establishing a lifestyle of travel which was even more impossible because of Covid. I was drowning. It felt like my soul was ripping from the inside out as I thought I found myself in another partnership (this time a bit more permanent), where I felt like the bad guy for knowing intrinsically that I couldnât be with someone who didnât have the same values of travel as a lifestyle. I questioned my authentic self and thought maybe I was wrong for wanting these things.
When Covid lifted, Cam and I had a powerful aligning moment of saying to each other that if we didnât leave now, we never would and we would end up resenting each other. So we sold 80% of our belongings, got a storage unit and first went to Mexico this year, then locked in housesits from April all the way through the rest of the year. We unloaded our storage into a five month sit to pair down even more in preparation for being able to housesit more broadly around the country, not just Melbourne.
 And as weâve established this life, this chaotic but beautiful journey, I still felt sad. I had all but given up on my dream of going to Paris on my own for two months because what husband would be comfortable with their wife being away for that long? I wanted a partner for so long who would travel with me, and it seemed counterproductive to want to still go to Paris, a romantic, city without my husband.
 So I stopped writing it down in my manifestations journal believing it was never meant to be.
And two weeks later, a housesit on my platform popped up in Paris. An apartment in the 15th Arrondissement near the Eiffel Tower... for two months... with a cat.
 I screenshot it and sent it to Cam as a joke and said âI want this with every fibre of my being. What an absolute dreamâ thinking nothing really of it other than that I was sure 50 people would apply for it immediately and since I wasnât even in Europe, Iâd never get it anyway.
 Camâs response: Apply. Canât hurt to try.
 I paused and thought âthatâs true, I can just send a message and if I get it, figure out the logistics then.â
 After submitting it, I received a response the next day. I was the first to apply and she wanted to Zoom chat. Two days later, whilst on the zoom chat, she confirmed me for the sit while I was on my anniversary weekend away with Cam in Shepparton, where his and my relationship initially began from that first one-way trip to Paris in 2016.
What has ensued over the last month has been an unfathomable level of shock, courage, fear, and finally excitement. My initial reaction was gut wrenching anxiety to the point I almost thought my intuition was telling me I was going to die on the flight, donât go. Like THAT much of a nauseating feeling.
 When I spoke to my therapist a week later, a flood work of emotions and tears came out. My brain couldnât comprehend the scale of this. It couldnât understand that for the first time, me leaving my partner to travel on my own wouldnât result in a breakup. Even more fear came up about my worth being tied to my productivity and how I was actually terrified to do ânothingâ, but just be.
 Iâve been a partner to someone since 12 years old. I have never once lived on my own except for one month in Jervis Bay, and it was the most spiritual, creative, growth-filled time of my life. But it was filled with difficult conversations being away from Cam in our first year of marriage/relationship and not knowing how to navigate separation anxiety.
 Iâve had a lot of financial insecurity in my life losing family homes, parents divorcing, and not leaving bad relationships for years because I felt I didnât have anywhere else to go because I couldnât afford it on my own. I have always had to be in survival mode since 15 years old, and itâs taken a massive toll on my health. So to go to Paris and not HAVE to workâto recognize that this didnât happen all those times before because it was meant to happen at a time in my life when I could financially do it with the unending support of my partner who encouraged me to goâIâm forced to ask the questions:
who am I when my worth isnât tied to my productivity? Who am I when Iâm not in fight or flight mode? Who am I on my own, without a partner to factor in to my every choice and decision on a day to day basis?
 My therapist has made me see that I havenât allowed myself to truly âplayâ in many, many years. To sit in a park by myself and read with nowhere else to be and nothing/no one to pull me away. To ask âlittle Veronicaâ what she would like to do and is she getting everything she needs. To re-parent myself and tell her sheâs safe to play, not to worry about money or work or housing or a partner.
My tax refund covered my flight for the exact amount. I sold my camera, and Cam and I worked nearly seven days a week the last month to fund my trip with ample wiggle room. If I was single, Iâm sure at some point I could have saved enough on my own to go to Paris. But knowing that my partner fully supports meâafter so many times putting my dream on hold for men who wouldnât do the same for meâIâm so insanely grateful.
 And our communication has gone from strength to strength with honesty, recognizing triggers and approaching with curiosity instead of defensiveness, holding space for all the emotions that came up for both of us in me taking this trip, discussing fears at length... all I can say is holy shit, donât ever settle for a boy, get yourself a man.
 When Iâve told people over the last month that Iâm going to Paris, theyâre reaction is of course jealously and they say, âoh so youâre just going on holidayâ. But itâs sooooo much more than that. Thereâs so much history behind it... my history. And I plan to write about this experience so that if someday my diaries are ever published long after Iâm gone, maybe itâll inspire someone. Thatâs all I ever aim to do in this life, is just inspire people to go after every single dream they have an never compromise on your authenticity and truth.
 To tick off this trip will be to complete a bucket list I made 22 years ago. And in doing so, it revives and allows that version of me to integrate into the woman and person I am becomingâwith new goals and dreams to achieve that I am already creating with my partner. This season of life is nothing short of profound bliss.










