holyfluck

A study of me, by me.

[holyfluck]

11/21/23

I'm in my bed. It's morning time. I've stacked up my pillows against the wall to create a back support and pulled my duvet up to my armpits. Laptop in lap. I usually spend my first waking hours cruising the digital social sphere. I check my notifications, filter through the stories, and give a lil scroll. When I say lil I really mean a lot. I've been a bit depressed lately, so I get lost on the internet. Escapism, for sure. But I've been doing things differently the last couple of days. Leaving my phone in the other room and intentionally petting my cats. Now I'm trying writing on.

I've promised to prioritize relief for the next couple of months. I want safety. I've been swimming in the sea of risk for years now. But I want a break. I want to ground myself on dry land. I want to feel supported in New York. My place in this city has felt so fragile. Like one misstep could send me toppling back to Utah, which is my hell. So, obviously that scares the shit out of me and weighs on my heart. I want to root down in New York. So that means re-orienting towards security. I'm going to get a job. It's hilarious to me that it has taken me 2 1/2 years in New York to consider working. Before that, I hadn't worked for another 3 years! What a funny little life.

The thought of reentering the workforce sounds luxurious at this point. I've been learning everything I know on my own for 5 1/2 years. Making every decision, chasing every dollar. It will be so fuckin lovely to just enter a space, get told what to do for a few hours, and then just leave! Work doesn't follow you the same way it does as an entrepreneur. Not only that but you get PAID to learn! WHAT A WONDER! I've paid a pretty penny for all the lessons I've learned on my journey as a business owner, so this idea is almost comical. Sign me up! I want to work for an interior designer. There's a place in Williamsburg that has a showroom that sells beautiful furniture, art, and cool coffee table books, but also does full scale interior design projects. YES! I want that! If I can wiggle myself in that space, I can ask a human being questions about the trade, gain experience without the risk, potentially find manufacturers through their distributors, and maybe even sell products through them! It's a win win win win!! YAS! I want it. I can't imagine that they'd be able to pay me much, but I've finagled a support system here in New York that will, at least temporarily, bolster the low wage. I'm savvy, damnit!

Another element that sounds lovely about a gig is the social part. I have been so isolated with my work for so long. I am good at people and want to work with a team and forge relationships!

Anyway, it all sounds real yummy.

I'm insecure about my experience on paper. I didn't go to school and I don't have any professional experience outside of my own. But I think my work thus far will show for itself. I mean, I friggin built luxury lighting with my own two HANDS! I do everything and I learned it all on my own. I think that says a lot. I also have over 1.5 million likes on TikTok, which has got to count for something! My portfolio also rules. I got this. I'll have ChatGPT help write my resume with me.

-

I don't really know how to get into this but I feel like I should at least document that it happening; my father committed suicide a little over three weeks ago. Gun to his forehead in the middle of the family backyard. No note. Ouch. There are so many questions that I'll never have answered. So much anger tangled with the grief. It has me spiraling in ways with my own life, but weirdly in a positive way. I'm fucking shit up for the better. I feel weighty though. A lot of sadness and negative reflection. That's all I'll say about it now.

[flowerytale]

Ada Limón, from “The Widening Road”, Sharks in the Rivers

[holyfluck]

11/11/2023

It's late. 3:00 in the morning late. I just read some posts on a person's finsta account. They were honest and raw and pure and made me remember that I love being honest and raw and pure. Writing. WRITING! I forget about this world sometimes. Oh but it's so juicy. I used to take refuge in my expression here on this tumblr account but then I learned of spies. Having spies changes the way you present. Stolen thoughts of honesty are now used as a tool against you. A tool to mock and slander behind your back to other's who choose to build a case against you as a human. It's lame. I feel like my refuge was poisoned. But fuck it. Here I am again. I love to write. To show myself. To dig in. I haven't really considered the thought of a semi-private medium of expression like a finsta. I think I only thought of things in black and white- public or private. But huzzah, there is grey area! I like this idea! A protected social refuge of expression! To be seen, ever so deeply, but only by the eyes of fellow real ones. YES!

[holyfluck]

Oh I should write more. Should should should. Documenting is thoughtfully placing a buoy in the ocean of time. Life is short. Time wizzes by me at every moment. A lot times I am not at peace with it. A lot of times I am.  I am sitting at my dining table. New apartment, same table. This apartment has a delicious amount of natural sunlight that spills into the space. Sunlight, I’m learning, is far more important than space. Sunlight is energy giving. It feeds my positivity. This is no cave. It is messy. Objects collect in corners and surfaces. I don’t have a couch yet. My life feels a bit frantic, lately. True relaxation has been a challenge. I’m hiring interns at the studio, which changes the pace of my life dramatically. I am excited but tired. My social cup has been drained for a while but I still find myself somewhat lonely. My body of work is growing. I’ve come a long way. My craft has improved. My ideas are grander. It’s a joy. I’m always a bit on edge with the money situation. The trickle out never stops. The trickle in is here too though. She is far gentler than the outwards osmosis. I hope we stabilize soon. Cloudy outside, but warm. I’m going to meet a new friend of mine, Angela, somewhere outdoors. I’m interested in making connections with women. I like this one. She has a depth and wears her heart on her shoulder.  I feel like crying. I’ve been hard on myself. When does that end? I think most people would be surprised to learn this. Being a human is confusing at times. More studying ahead. Breathing. Just breathing. 

[holyfluck]

1/2/2023

We made it to 2023! This year will be my best yet, I can feel it. So much growth ahead. My relation to my emotional world has softened incredibly. Which is such a flex. It makes the inevitable hard times and growing pains far less paralyzing. I can move with grace, understanding, and compassion. It’s wonderful! And oh boy do I know that there will be hard times. I’ll be stripping regularly again. I’ve been resistant and afraid to consistently go back to the club. I genuinely didn’t think I would have to when I was so kindly given the nest egg. But here we are! I cannot afford to support my businesses and my personal life at this point in the crypto market. So, bitch has got to strap on the ol’ clear heels and seduce her funds. To be fair, I could choose other jobs if I wanted. I know this. But no other job gives me the flexibility and the consistent jackpots that stripping does. At least not at an entry level position. Stripping will be a temporary journey, which makes the endeavor more appealing. My art business is so close to supporting itself. I am wildly appreciative of TikTok and the organic exposure I’ve received on the platform. I have several commission pieces that I’m working on at this very moment. I keep raising my prices and people keep buying! Which is so dope. My website will drop by the end of this month too! So many great things a cookin’! I’ll be represented by a gallery this year too, I just know it! 

So yeah, returning to strip will be a challenge. It’s also exciting! A lot of the challenge comes from the memories of my ex and how harshly he judged and criticized me. I mean, the man was straight up violent towards me. There was plenty more to the abuse than just my years in the strip club. Before I met the ex, I had been having a horribly messy affair with people that I loved for a couple years and been disillusioned that I was not “really” hurting anyone. So, though the abuse was never acceptable, I can still understand the man’s negative response to my actions. I’ve grown immeasurably since all of that jazz. But I still fear people’s response to my stripping again. It is unfortunate that people will think twice about me based solely on a profession. Those aren’t my people though, as hard as that can be to understand in the moment. I personally perceive stripping as an incredibly fortunate means to an end. I can support my dreams this way while also having full autonomy over how I organize my time. Plus I get to dance, which I love! And playing with sexual energy is also quite the thrill. There are plenty of great things about the world of stripping. I wouldn’t be the woman I am today without it and I fucking love that woman. New York is a whole ‘nother animal in comparison to Vegas, too! The vibes are very different. Less of a party atmosphere. More one on one intimacy, which is where I personally excel. I’m actually pretty excited! I know I’m going to meet and connect with some incredible people. Plus there is a lot more money here than in Vegas. Billionaires casually dot the streets of Manhattan. It will be fun to play with them. I have a captivating and magnetic personality. It’s magic to activate and engage socially this way. Not to mention, stripping puts me in pristine physical shape! Here comes Miss Crazy Ripped. 

I know I have spies that likely delight in any deviation my life takes from my ideal. It doesn’t matter much. But it is sure interesting that I have continued to hold your attention. I wish you nothing but peace, happiness, and everlasting love. We are all human. Enjoy the intimate window into my world. I’ve always loved to share. 

[holyfluck]

Caught wind of my ex having a new gal in his life. I pulled some FBI moves as one does and found her Instagram. She’s beautiful! Funny! She looks normal, which I would think is exactly what he needs. College gal, even appears to have a loving family. I’m happy for him. Maybe they’ll have babies! He always loved the idea of babies. How lovely for him to now have love in his life that is free of the baggage of old, dead habits. I think he’ll do great. He really wants to love. That, I know. This is what I wanted for you, Big Easy. My heart is so happy for yours.💛

[holyfluck]

Gratitude is everywhere I turn today. I am gentler to myself than I have been. I’m learning. Always. I can’t believe this is my life. My lips are chapped and my nest egg is dwindling, but my heart is full. So so full. I learn to love myself better at every turn. I am the woman I’ve dreamed of becoming. Now this is rich! My creativity is blooming. I see art everywhere. I want to touch everything. Sculpt anything. Do it all. Making things gives me life. Watching my style evolve is something magical. I feel like I’m permeating my perfect tuned frequency into anything I touch. I’m obsessed with creation. Expression. It’s compulsive, and I fucking love it. She’s an artist! Reality creation is in full swing. I am lead by love. What a ride.  

[holyfluck]

Hello spies and future self. It’s been a good day today. I got plenty done in the studio. I’ve found a nice rhythm (that word is so fucking hard to spell, lol). Worked on three individual light sculptures. I’ve learned that I work best when I have several projects I’m juggling at once. This way, when I get frustrated or fatigued with one, I can “quit” and pivot to another task on another project. Quitting is an essential tool for me. I never truly quit, of course, it’s really just a temporary pause until I can return again with fresh eyes and a clear mind. But this little cheat code allows me to work with joy and curiosity instead of blunt force. I’m laterally productive rather than hyper focused. It’s great for me. There’s plenty of narratives out there that would discredit this style of working or focus. I find many of the common societal beliefs held about achieving success stress the fuck out of giving one single subject or project your everything and to sacrifice anything that gets in the way. This style of living has never jived with me. I used to think something was wrong with me. Why couldn’t I just choose and focus? Now that I’ve stopped trying to fit into this tiny box of a narrative, I feel more motivated and productive than I ever have in my life! I’m doing lots of things! Range, baby! It works for me. I am a layered person with many loves, talents, and dreams. It feels dope to be working towards several at a time. I feel energized and alive. I think this is what they mean when they talk about “flow”. I feel a natural gravitation towards my projects. They energize me! It’s wonderful. I’m excited to see where I take it all. So much good shit cooking. Big love to everyone out there who is trying to find their footing. 

[holyfluck]

Hi, me. Here again. Halloween weekend. It’s been fun. I was too wrapped up in non-halloween creative pursuits to spend some real time on my costume. I had to rummage through my closet to find some character I could dress as. I’m a funny little cat/vampire because of it. 

I don’t actually feel like writing. Sometimes good shit pours out of me when I do things even though I don’t feel like it. Sometimes nothing. 

Nest egg is still declining. Baby pumps keep me alive. The brand is progressing though. And I sold my first commission light sculpture! 2k! I'll raise my prices for the next piece, but yeah. It feels pretty good! I just ordered the supplies. I’ll get going on it in the studio next week. I’m excited. She’s legit, people!

[holyfluck]

Long time no write, internet journal. I’ve come today to place my circling, taunting thoughts in a *somewhat* physical space, to give them form outside of the neverending loop inside this noggin. Holy shit. This bear market is testing me. This time last year my nest egg was nearing a million dollars. I only imagined it ascending more and more until it got to the heavens and I never had to fear lack of resources again. Jokes on me! I’ll always admire my cute little optimistic brain. Fast forward a year, we are now 7 or so months into the bear market and fear for my survival has gripped me at every turn. My nest egg is well under 200k. Now, I know this is still a fortune and I am wildly lucky to possess it. HOWEVER! I have taken some risks that have brought my monthly expenses to be well over 10k per month. I feel that I am bleeding money. In fun ways, I’ll admit. But still, 200k is a fragile fragile fortune. Not only that, I have racked up each of my 7 credit account and am now camping at about 60k in debt. YEEHAW! I honestly can’t decide if I am being horribly irresponsible or just taking the necessary risk to become a successful business owner. I think I change my mind minute by minute. It’s a war in here, let me tell you. There are alarm bells ringing constantly. I think today I have a bit of humor married with it, which helps a lot. 

I guess I should probably elaborate on what I’m building/investing in. I have a fashion brand! I won’t say what the name is yet, because the trademark hasn’t been officially approved yet but YEAH! It’s a sexy, romantic women’s fashion brand. Shit that I would wear. I’ve hired a very expensive but incredibly talented consultancy team to help me Frankenstein my dream into reality. They’re killing it. They’re helping me with the branding and the apparel. Yesterday I received the first round of logo mockups and I am DYING for them. They’re perfect! On the apparel side, we’re producing a 5 piece collection consisting of 3 uniquely gorgeous dresses, a dope pair of cargo pants, and a corseted crop top. I’m in love. We just got approved for our first round of sampling at a factory here in the New York Garment District. IT’S ALL HAPPENING! I am ecstatic about it. The cost is freaking me the fuck out on the regular. There are so many hidden costs that I was not expected that keep on swinging at me. But alas, I have the money and I’m going to keep throwing it at the brand until I’m fucking dry. Something has got to give. The collection and the brand should be up and running this spring and then it’s GO TIME! Bitch is gonna sell, sell, sell until I am blue in the FACE. I swear by it. 

Not only am I nurturing the fashion brand to life, I have also continued with making my tiled light sculptures. I have an art studio that I’m renting that I go to most days of the week to spend time fabricating my ideas into existence. The sculptures are really cool. I do everything on my own, of course, so they are not exactly perfect. They’re definitely handmade. Their finishings need some work. I am not entirely sure how I will sell them, but I have some ideas. I’ve shown some photos to some design shops and gallery owners here in Brooklyn. Positive reactions. My plan is to finish the 3 pieces that I have, have them professionally staged and photographed, make my website, and then reach out to local shops and galleries. Again, something has got to give. At the very least, I will have produced a dope portfolio that *should* qualify me for a cool job under a senior designer/design studio. The overhead for my art studio and supplies is another major dig into the nest egg. Freaks me out sometimes but I’m still going. I know that I could definitely spend more time working on my stuff. I could push more to finish things quicker and to move the needle more each day. Knowing this and knowing that I am not doing this is a huge source of insecurity and self doubt. But I’m still showing up! And I am continuously learning. I film most of my work for TikTok. It’s got some attention, which is encouraging. I’ll keep going, one way or another! I do love it! 

ANYWAY! I’m considering getting some kind of job now. Somewhere in the art and design world to gain some experience, make a little dough, and network within the community. I am also probably going to hit the strip clubs for dollars sake. I need to hustle. It’s not an easy thing to do after I’ve had these couple of years with all of my time being my own. I feel under qualified. BUT FUCK IT! I have 2 awesome businesses that I’m building and I feel a sense of purpose. I’ll likely lose this apartment, which breaks my heart a little but you gotta do what you gotta do. I MUST keep my dreams alive and the rent here is just stupid high.

I feel good writing this all down. All of this is to say that I am taking some crazy risks that will either pay off or crash and burn. I guess this is just life, eh? At least I’m going for it! I feel crazy most days. I like to say to myself when I’m in a panic spin “What if this all works out?” WHAT IF!!! That would be fucking AWSOME. Here’s to hoping, and pushing, and dreaming, and working. Please universe, bring on the bull market soon. 

[holyfluck]

5/15/2022

Hey there, blog. Remember me? It’s been a couple months. The weather is changing and with it, the collective mood. It’s always interesting how much sunshine and warm temperatures positively affect emotional states. I swear, I’ve seen people skipping through the streets this past week.  A few bullet points to help fill in the blanks that my absence here left...

- Put my mom in rehab. The tuition was a terrifying dip into my nest egg. I can’t help but be a little resentful about it. I hope she is strong enough to stay clean. I am nervous for her. During a therapy session held at her rehab, my sisters and I were more honest with her than we had ever been. It was brutal. My mother hasn’t spoken to me since. 

- Crypto is crashing hard. My nest egg has been slashed more than 50%. It doesn’t make me feel good. But I think I’m rolling with the punches rather well.

- Experimented with Seeking Arrangements again. I can’t do it. I’ve outgrown my hoe phase. All I care about is building my career. Any other time spent pursuing money feels like a huge waste of time. No thank you.

- Speaking of careers. I’m pivoting! I still love furniture design, but it’s been really tough for me to break through. I can’t seem to find manufacturers that want to work with me, let alone contact me back! So, I’m doing fashion! It’s another true love of mine. I’m visiting with a manufacturer tomorrow to get my first samples made! I just made the pivot about 3 weeks ago. I have already been able to move mountains as far as my progress goes. The infrastructure here in NY for budding fashion designers is insane. There is so much support!  Plus, all of my samples will cost far less and take less time to make than my furniture prototypes. It feels like the right move. I can control a lot more with this route. Plus I still get to scratch that creativity itch that I have been so desperately craving to scratch. Feels good! 

- Still seeing fireman. I feel like there have been some recent road bumps that have led to both of us pumping our breaks a little. Nothing major, just a bit of hesitance. We’ll see where it goes. He’s a good guy and I’m grateful to have connected with him. 

- Caught wind of my ex being with his ex. Got me feeling all sorts of ways. He cheated on me with her. But not before he first cheated on her with me. The whole thing is just a huge mess. It blows my mind that he would backslide like that. I just don’t understand it. But then again it sort of makes sense. I was just hoping that he would have grew more through the whole experience. Such is life. I wish them both peace and happiness. 

- Shitter, my cat, had to have an emergency procedure to save his life. I came home from Utah and he couldn’t urinate, which is a big uh-oh for male cats specifically. They had to sedate him and stick a catheter into his peen to unblock his urethra. I actually got to be a part of the whole thing! I held a little oxygen mask over his nose while the vets operated. It was pretty cool. What is not cool is the $4,000 it burned into my wallet. I swear, I have been fucking bleeding money. 

- Went to Tulum, Mexico for Billi’s birthday! Again, sunshine and good weather make for happy people and I am here for it. 

That’s that I guess! I’ll check in again when I feel like it. 

[holyfluck]

Emotional Grip and a Silly Dream 3/18/2022

Hey, internet journal. Man, it’s so strange how sometimes I feel like I’m dying. I’m 26 and I can feel like my life is over. Like I’ve already blown it somehow. What an odd phenomenon. It just plain out doesn’t make any sense. The mental world has a “mind” of its own though. The real kicker is that the very next moment after a dramatic hopeless spill can wholly revitalize me and make me wonder how I ever got so blue and lost in the first place. I think that means that I can get rather carried away by what my emotional state is in the present moment. It can be challenging to exit my experience, call its bluff, and have faith in the passing of all things. When my mood is light, it’s easy to ponder this malfunction(?) with some humor. When it’s dark, I’m fucked. Messy, bumbling, fumbling, human. I’d like to approach all of my emotional states with more objective curiosity. I’d imagine that’s where true wisdom lies anyways, rather than in the stories that my mind can run with and eat me whole. All that being said, somedays I feel good and easeful, others I feel like a black hole. 

Today I woke up from a silly dream. I got a job at Del Taco. It was my first day on the gig, so I didn’t know anything yet. It was just me and one coworker who was meant to be training me but we were slammed. Some big mad dude came inside from the drive way and demanded to know where his number 89 was. I confessed I didn’t know anything as it was my first day on the job, told him that I was only able to serve smiles and that I was sorry. I asked my frantic coworker what a number 89 was. She said it was a pancake. I asked her to show me how to make a pancake. We went to the back. She reached her hand into a giant back of shredded Monterey Jack cheese, scooped up as much as she could manage, and chucked it into a frying pan. Obviously, I was confused. Weren’t we making a pancake? And then she said, “yup. This is it. Del Taco special. A grown man is eating this.” It was just a big pile of melted cheese. I woke up tickled. I love the way my brain dreams sometimes. Silly stupidness. 

[holyfluck]

Some accidental double exposure shots. My best friend gushed about how much she loved these and that they need to be in my memoir. This blog is sorta kinda like a memoir, wouldn’t you say?

[holyfluck]

Tryst 3/2/2022

I’ve not been as actively writing as I have been in the past. I have found myself in a bit of a silly little love tryst. Love really isn’t the right word here, but romance could be. It all started budding in my salsa class, just as I had suspected something might. I’ve been spending a significant chunk of my time in that studio. What was once one hour of beginner’s practice on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays, is now two hours Monday, three hours Tuesday, two hours Wednesday, three hours Friday, and just this week I elected to be on their choreography dance team that practices a specific routine on Sundays for an hour and half. Talley it all up and I’m on that dance floor for 11.5 hours. They organize the classes in a kind of speed-dating way. The females, or the followers, rotate amongst the leads resembling a kind of speed dating effect. I flirt with everyone, of course. I swear, I came out of the womb flirting. It comes naturally to me and is just plain fun. It helps that I am a near constant smiler, especially if I’m enjoying myself. Anyway, there have been several fellas that play the game with me and flirt back for our 30 seconds or so rotation. A particularly handsome one asked me out for drinks after class last week. I apprehensively agreed, knowing that I am in no position to seriously get involved with anyone and I’d hate to fuck with the vibe in class. Over drinks I learned that he is Dominican, a firefighter, and born and raised in Brooklyn. This man is hot hot hot. I’m not usually the type to be so affected by someone’s physical appearance/presence but this one has got something special that tickles my sex nerve. He has a thick Brooklyn accent and speaks at a slower tempo than the rest of the lot. It does something to me. He just oozes sex. That said, I was clear that sex wasn’t on the table for me unless we could successfully brew some chemistry and anticipation. Honestly, that’s my favorite part about sexuality. I’d give up the P in V if I couldn’t have the sexual energy, tension, desire, and playfulness that sets the stage. Why is the stage setting so often forgone in modern romance? It’s tragic. Oh boy, but this one has a knack for it! We tickled and teased and made out like teenagers for days. On top of that, he’s cool. He’s honest. He’s kind. He opens my door and walks on the outside of the sidewalk. Conversation flows easily. He’s picked up some small details and orchestrated our dates around them. Love a man that listens. I have to say, I haven’t felt this aroused in ages. It’s delightful. We fucked eventually. That was... nice. He knows the bedroom. All of that turning each other on makes for the literal act considerably more pleasurable. Yeah, so I haven’t been writing. Been a little wrapped up in the sheets of a suave Brooklyn boy. It’s funny how romance can make the significance of your troubles sort of melt away in the background. I’m not silly enough to deem it as truth, but I do enjoy the ride of it. 

[holyfluck]

Theory of Delusion and Growth. 2/19/2022

Hey, Tumblr world. Been a little while since we last talked. It’s been good out here. Some days have been better than others. I was approved for a studio space. I haven’t signed the lease yet so it doesn’t feel quite real, but it’s a big move that I’m looking forward to. It kind of feels like I’m jumping the gun a little, but I’ve heard something motivational like “do it before you’re ready” or whatever and that’s what this feels like. No, I’m not ready. And no I don’t NEED it. But my studio will give me so much room to grow. Not to mention the financial commitment could be the perfect fire under my ass. The right kind of pressure is nurturing. I’m looking forward to migrating my work over there. I keep rerouting back to my theory of delusion. To believe in something that has not yet happened is simply delusional. So yes, believing that I’m somehow going to “make it” as an artist/designer is indeed delusional. But to make anything happen in life you must ride that wave of delusion until it magically morphs into your reality. And what a trip it is! We’re crazy out here! I’m rolling with it as gracefully and with as much presence as I can manage. I am grateful every day. I skipped salsa in leu of a post Valentine’s Day hangover (a celebratory one, not a sad gal one). It ignited a depressive episode that exemplified how far I’ve already come this year with my emotional health. Depression, lethargy, hopelessness, and fear are no longer my resting state. I am moving towards things that I care about and I’m doing so before I’m ready. It’s comforting, this discomfort. Feels like growth. Delusional delusional growth.

[holyfluck]

Studio Fantasy 02/11/2022

I’m beginning to consider renting out a studio space for my work. I have been doing everything from home thus far, which has been okay because it’s mostly conceptual. But my ideas are moving from the conceptual world to the physical one (HOORAY!). It’s going to get real messy and I’m running out of space here! My apartment is not cramped, by any means. It’s spacious and airy. A friend of mine even called it minimal. But I’ve grown to cherish that loftiness. I do not want to eat up all of the negative space here and wreck it with building supplies and power tools. No thank you. I know me too well. I would be stressed as fuck trying to maintain an aesthetically pleasing space. I know it sounds silly, but I like my home to look and feel nice. I have expensive things in this house, the last thing they need is to be sprayed with sawdust or to catch a rogue paint fling. Plus, I’ve already spent a fair amount of energy setting my work up and taking it back down. It would be lovely to just leave my work as-is and return to it undisturbed. The fantasy is to get a small space, maybe 500 square feet. I like the idea of leaving to work and coming home to.. not work. There’s a nice beginning and ending to it. Whereas here, working from home, my days are intermittently spruced with a little work here and there throughout the whole day, which is nice as hell at times, but also leaves room for guilt when I am not working. I often spend time working on the house, because that feels like work too. It would be nice to remove the distractions and give myself a real designated space to do work-work. Could be fruitful! My crafting supplies are adding up as well. I oddly have a second bathroom, but it is nearly filled to the brim with art supplies and I know I am going to need more. It’s been straining me. I’ve been wracking my brain for creative solutions to accommodate my growing need for space without compromising on my interior aesthetic. I can’t imagine anything that doesn’t settle for some brand of eye-sore. Ergo, studio space! I’m loving this concept! The money spooks me a little buuuuuut I do have it! This could be what gets my creative momentum really going. I’m putting my feelers out into the world. Cute, sunlit studio space within reasonable distance to East Williamsburg, I’m coming for you. 

[holyfluck]

Negative Media= Negative Mind 02/07/2022

Today was uncomfortable. I was ready to cry for most of it. I think I know how I got here, though, which is good. I met with a new girlfriend of mine for brunch yesterday. Brunch was fab. We’re still getting to know each other so there was a hint of awkwardness here and there but overall it was quite fluid and we engaged in some interesting conversations about both of our lives. We spent several hours together. We parted ways and I felt grateful for the new connection. As I made my way home though my anxiety sort of possessed me. I started reliving parts of our conversation and imagining all of the negative ways that I could have been perceived. Nitpicking this, dissecting that. I don’t remember ever being *this* insecure. Maybe when I was a young teenager but never as an adult. It’s a response that I acquired from my recently ceased relationship. He was not a kind lover in the beginning months. I suffered many forms of legitimate abuse from him. I was in survival mode and was hypervigilant to his perception of me, so as not to make a misstep and suffer the consequence. Curve ball! I now have some long term consequences. I have a tremendous amount of grief thinking about that time now. My heart goes out to that me. I never would have accepted his poor treatment if he didn’t have the financial position that he did. Covid stripped me of my workplace and I was desperate to keep afloat. Anyway, I’m insecure now. It’s a gross feeling. It is difficult to connect to my authenticity. Bleh. After brunch and the mental stoning I curled up into my couch and flipped on the television, longing for some kind of escape. I watched a couple mindless drama-comedies, dramadies. I’m cool with those every once in a while as long as they’re somewhat positive. But then Hulu hijacked me. It automatically began playing a new series, which I didn’t quite catch until I was about 15 minutes into it and already hooked on the story. It was a crime, drama, thriller kind of piece- called Cruel Summer. I knew I shouldn’t have watched it, but I did. Four 50 minute episodes or something. I stayed up well past my 12:00 bedtime. The show was psychologically disturbing. Fear porn. I have deliberately been trying to cut out things and media in my life that don’t generate positivity for me. Stressful television is number one. Not that I watch a lot of it, but god damn do the masses. Why do we want to be stressed for entertainment?! Why simulate upsetting, violent scenarios for fun? It’s backwards to me. That said, our brains are wired for drama and I continued to watch it even as I knew it was not a great idea for me. Sigh. I managed to shut it off around 2:00am and watch a couple episodes of New Girl in the hopes of flushing out the cortisol that was running through my veins. Went to bed. Still had nightmares. Woke up sweaty and consumed with stress and agitation. That can’t be good for you! Especially as you’re climbing from a nightmarish mental state in real life. I had to wake myself all the way up and watch silly prank videos on my phone to intercept my brain from compulsively simulating terrifying abduction scenes in my sleep. Needless to say, I did not sleep well.. I was just not primed for having a feel-good day. But hey, at least I know the culprit! I gotta cut down (or out) things that I know make me feel crumby. You are not helpful to me, negative media. Self love starts with doing things that are good for you and NOT doing things that are not good for you. Simple, babe. We are always learning.