방탄의 특성 상, 예전과 처음의 우리 모습들을 정말정말 자주 목격해왔다고 생각했는데, 오늘 올라오는 데뷔 적 사진들을 하나하나 찬찬히 뜯어보니, 도저히 내가 알던 나 같지 않아 낯설고 생경했어요. 게슈탈트 같은..
호일펌 랩몬스터로 모나게 데뷔해서, 그때가 워낙 세서 저만큼은 변해도 변한 것 같지 않다고 여겨왔는데.
웬 다른 시대 사람이 거기 서서 슬그머니 웃고 있더라구요.
저는
비로소 숨이 좀 쉬어집니다.
건강하게, 웃는 모습으로 같이 함께 달려올 수 있어 그저 다행입니다. 곁을 보면 훨씬 멋있어진 친구들이 보여 스스로를 다잡곤 합니다. 잡히지 않는.. 설명할 수 없는 몇 가지 뜨거운 것들은 7년이 지나도 똑같이 차오릅니다. 때로 그립기도 하지만 다시 오지 않을 순간들.. 그래도 그때라서 행복했고, 또 지금이라서 행복해요. 날선 모습들이 여기저기 붙여져 있어 조금 부끄럽기도 하지만, 어제의 나도 분명 나니까요 ! 오래 전 찢어버린 졸업앨범의 사진이 보고 싶어졌어요. (막상 보면 후회하겠지만..)
오늘도 범람하는 수많은 뉴스들을 보며 생각했어요.
7년 전, 십년 전의 세상과 지금은 무엇이 다를까. 그간 나는 무엇을 해왔나. 공허한 외침, 의미 없는 몸짓들.. 그러나 결코 그렇게 남도록 두지 않았던 지구 곳곳의 더운 사랑들. 여전히 마음 가득 몸부림치는 무력감 속에서, 고작 제가 할 수 있는 것과 할 수 없는 것을 고민합니다. 이렇게, 저는 또 7년째 살고 있습니다. 저를 살게 해주셔서 감사하고, 끝까지 포기하지 않게 해주셔서. 정말 감사해요. 7년을 외쳤던 것처럼 열심히 해볼게요. 당장 내일 있을 방방콘부터 !
아직도 여전히 저는 제 사랑이 전해지기를 바라고 있습니다. 사랑보다도 더 사랑합니다. 아미.
Seriously, I wonder what time must be.
Like this like that.. though me may think it consistently and calmly comes and goes, it feels like, suddenly, I am gazing at a rock on the beach.
Depending on how you look at it, it can be considered short or very long. Since we moved into the Nonhyeon-dong dorm in the summer of 2010, and since I came to Seoul, 10 years have passed. Now, I feel as if I’ve become a true Seoul citizen.
I’ve always thought, as characteristic of Bangtan, we’ve consistently faced our past selves, our first selves, but as I slowly, one-by-one, looked at the photos of us in our debut being uploaded today of us in our debut era, I can’t for the life of me consolidate the me of the past and the me of the present—the me that I [thought I] knew didn’t feel like me so it was unfamiliar and unreal. Kind of like Gestalt psychology*…
I debuted as foil perm Rap Monster with a prickly personality, that era left such a strong impression that I thought if I of all people changed, it would feel as if I hadn’t changed at all.
But there was a person from a different age standing there, slowly breaking out into a smile.
Mm.. Today too, as we rehearsed choreography, I laughed a lot with [Bangtan] friends. I even thought of the passionate/determined letters I wrote to these people immediately after we debuted, saying I would make sure to make them proud.
The thing about dates is.. I think anniversaries help mark special milestones in life that would have otherwise been uneventful.
It’s an amazing thing that moods can be lifted just by numbers.
I
As a result, am able to breathe now.
That we are able to healthily, with smiling faces, run forward together like this is such a relief. When I look around me, I see the visages of my now much cooler friends, so I take time to self-reflect and motivate myself anew. There are some things, things that cannot be put into words, that even 7 years later, bubble up in me, heatedly. Moments that I sometimes long for that will never come again.. Still, those moments are beautiful because it was that era, and I am happy that it is Now. I am a little embarrassed that photos of my prickly, on-guard self are up here and there but still the me of yesterday is still me ! These days I’ve been wanting to look through the yearbook I tore up long ago. (Though I may regret it as soon as I look through it..)
Today as well, as I saw the overflowing news reports, I thought
What might be different in the world of today and that of 7 years ago. What have I done in that time. Fruitless, empty cries, meaningless acitons.. But the hot loves around the earth that refused to let them stay that way. As always, fighting relentless within a heart that is pack full of helplessness, the insignificant me contemplates the things I can and cannot do. Like this, as always, I am living for a 7th year. Thank you for letting me live, and for letting me not give up until now. Thank you so much. Just as I have shouted this for the past seven years, I will trying working hard. Staring immediately from the bangbangcon that will happen tomorrow!
Still, as always, I hope that my love reaches you. I love you more than love. ARMY.
prguitarman
janainaart
snowghoul
origamiaround
jacobvanloon
dededos
theartofmadeline
stormborns
discoholicmusic
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dailybridgerton
