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the cry of the sea || cal & giles
Brutally, Cal continued forward, ignoring the pleas of the other man. It was a pure, selfish whim that drove him onward. He did not want to be responsible for any more death; he did not want to abandon his friend. He, him, Cal. What Giles wanted was irrelevant, because what Giles wanted was something utterly inconceivable to Cal in every form.
“I’m not hurting you,” he grunted. “Can’t you see that? I’m — “
Whatever he was doing, it wasn’t soon enough.
“Come on, Giles, you stubborn prat. Come on.”
His body slumped further, dead weight as he was dragged on, gripping weakly to Cal. Each jolt of it felt like powdered glass shattering his bones, his bleeding worsening until his clothing felt as though he had swam in it. The strength that moved him was irresistible and unstoppable, and he was too weak to stop it, too weak to slip out of Cal’s arms and to shiver and let the pain fade away while the newborn light of the sun arched over the horizon. Too weak, and Cal was too strong. He tried with trembling hands to push him away, but his hands soon stopped responding.
“Cal—-“
The word was choked out between gasped inhalations, barely audible at all. Giles closed his eyes, feeling his body tugged onwards as though pulled by the tide. There was agony, but it felt strangely distant at the same time, and a great deal of fear. He closed his eyes, and like a child does to comfort himself, imagined himself somewhere else, surrounded by his crew, by Jorah, by Mikah, by Harvey. Imagined himself somewhere dark and warm where death might be like slipping into a heated bath, sent on his way by gentle, loving touches and soft voices. He would be held, and talked to gently, and he wouldn’t be so afraid.
He wouldn’t be in so much pain, in so much fear, begging his friend, his murderer for some shred of mercy when there was none. This was how he would die? In an agonizing, desperate attempt by Cal to give himself something that he wanted? He shivered violently against the other man. “I d—don’t want to go,” he whispered thickly.
I’m scared.
Time ticked on, and he slumped against him even more, his soaked body leaving a clear trail behind them. He could feel his heart start to become erratic as his consciousness began to waver, felt his breathing choke off as the blood fully filled his lungs. Panic filled him, and he spasmed in Cal’s arms, violent, desperate, surprisingly strong in his instinctual fear, blood running from his lips in a heavier stream. It wasn’t enough. He could see patterns form as he fought for breath as he asphyxiated, the faint light of the trees reflected, the hard line of Cal’s shoulder under his arm giving him some kind of awareness. His chest hitched desperately, trying to bring in air into his ruined body, trying to breathe. His mind slowly began to shut down, and aware of it, he was terrified.
Cal.
His fingers weakly wrapped into the fabric of Cal’s coat.
There was a little boy and he was crying, curled up in his bed alone. He did not know that he would grow to be the man they called the righteous man, that that slim, straight youth would set the world afire, ignorant of his own destruction. He had chosen love, and it had murdered him.
He tried to breathe in.
Tried.
Thought of them.
Andres.
Jorah.
Mikah.
Bea.
Finn.
Harvey.
They made him want to live, they made him, and he fought, and he struggled in his arms. He couldn’t do this, he had to go
home
there was so much work to be done
so long to go
he couldn’t
and it was getting dark, his vision dimming, the sound of his blood on sand fading into a useless haze. He could no longer see, his last sight the way the light glinted off the horizon, filling the world with a look of gold
gold
gold
gold
and there was darkness then
and something beyond the darkness
and it hurt, but it was numb and beyond the tears
and there were points of light, gleaming in the blackness
his body spasmed again, like a hooked fish, violent, and then shuddered as it began to go still
there were points of light
and it was
oh it was
beautiful
His head slowly fell to the side as his hand relaxed on Cal’s shoulder, dropping, hanging in his grip. Bloodied lips parted, receiving no air, his eyes fixed, open and dark, nearly closed but not entirely, the light draining from them completely. His chest hitched once, his lips moved, and then there was nothing and he was beautiful. He was marble and he was still.
Nothing.
Red, on white, on gold.
There was nothing, but the sound of something like rain, and the glint of the sun on his bright hair like a burnished crown.
the cry of the sea || cal & giles
“I can’t do that.”
He couldn’t just sit aside, watching as the other man was violently ripped from life. To accept fate went against every fiber of his nature, and so with a burst of strength, he stood to his feet, half-carrying and half-dragging Giles along beside him as he headed deeper into the forest. There was still a chance, still a small hope burning, and Cal would once again challenge the fates in an effort to see it though.
“You’re going to have to hold on. That’s an order, you hear me?”
He sobbed like a little boy as Cal dragged him up, too weak to scream, his body shaking with the intensity of the pain that resulted. He couldn’t think in the face of it, couldn’t struggle, had to battle for sips of air, slightly freed. He gasped and he felt himself drowning, spots of distant color in front of his dimming eyes. There was no strength in his body, unable to help Cal or stop him as he was pulled onwards.
He just cried, begging him to stop through jagged, shattered breaths. “C—Cal—-Cal please—-“
“Please—-“
It hurt. It hurt, and he just pleaded with him softly through his broken gasps for some kind of mercy, to not to make him move any more.
“D—don’t h--hurt me a--any more. Just---j--just stop, just for a minute, l--l--ook at me.”
'Cause we're young and we're reckless We’ll take this way too far
the cry of the sea || cal & giles
All things died alone, body clinging to life as the soul finally drifted into the unknown. During the birth of humanity, we feared the dark, but even before that fear sparked, it was the fear of death that clung to us. It was strange how the air shifted with this fear, hanging heavy wherever it touched. Could that explain why Cal could not catch his breath as Giles fell against him, blood filling the lungs his sword had pierced?
Cal guided him gently to the ground, staring at the wound that had sprouted on his body. Shaking hands ripped cloth to attempt to stop the bleeding, but he was not a fool. He had seen wounds like this one, and cast away from civilization or modern medicine, time breathed down his shoulder, waiting impatiently for the soul to drift fully away.
“You’re going to live, you hear me?” He growled the words, determination turned towards a new goal.
He was reminded of the first man he killed, the guard staring up at him with violent hatred in his eyes — how different this was. In that way, it was infinitely worse. It was wild fear and unbearable shame and panic rolled into one. It was the end.
It was here.
“You were supposed to leave this place, Giles, challenging the King himself. You were supposed to be strong. Goddammit, Giles, you were supposed to live.” He gripped onto Giles’s now-red stained shirt, new plans forming as quickly as the old ones had been disregarded. “I’m going to save you.”
It was getting harder to breathe, his breath wet and terrible, rattling in his lungs. Even at this extremity, he adapted, turning his head to let blood drain more easily from his mouth, neverending. He shuddered, and lay still, the agony in him like hot glass shredding into his skin, becoming drowsier the more blood he lost, the darker the sand around him became. All he could do is lie there and fight to breathe, fight to live, unable to focus on the fact that he was guided to the ground, the busyness around his chest as Cal tried fruitlessly to stop the bleeding, only managing to get the makeshift bandages soaked as well.
There was nothing but pain, nothing but distant fear. He was so far away from the people he loved. He would never see them again, tears rolling slowly down his marble cheeks. Andres. Jorah. Bea. Harvey. Finn. The list had grown shorter, and shorter still. One of them might have held him, stroked his hair, spoke softly to him as he died. There was no comfort now, only desperate determination when what he wanted was to feel loved, to feel safe, even if that safety was an illusion. His eyes fluttered and then closed for a moment, gasping softly, limp as Cal gripped hard into his shirt.
“Just hold me,” he whispered softly, dazed. Speaking was becoming more and more difficult, garbled, shorter as he fought for breath.
It was the last thing he could think that he wanted.
Enjolras, who represented the logic of revolution
Sam: You ever tried to overthrow the government? Charlie: N--no--- Sam: What the hell's been stopping you?
The West Wing
the cry of the sea || cal & giles
I love you.
Three little words that carried the weight of a soul on them. Three little words that had sparked both peace and war in the past. Three little words that Cal had only heard on three little occasions.
His mother — sickly and weak, smiling at him despite her pain. “From ashes to ashes, Cornelius,” she whispered to him. “Don’t you remember the rhyme, draga mea? Come on, I hear the other mothers speaking it with their sons often enough.” Everything about his mother was soft: her hands, her smile, her voice. She was already a ghost, fading into the night. “It’s about death, Cornelius. It’s about not fearing it. Death is always shown as darkness and sadness, but it’s a journey we all have to take. I love you no matter where that journey takes us.”
He heard those words, and he cried. In the night, his bag was packed, because love was not a savior. Love was a sentence, and he was the only one who could set himself free. In his memory, the sound of his mother’s voice would fade and her face would blur, but he would remember the echo of the tears she shed. He would remember, years later, seeing her gravestone for the first time, marked with nothing more than a short prayer.
In his own way and in his freedom, he had killed her.
His lover — angry and passionate, fire blazing in her eyes as she came to the realization. Her confession was immediately coupled with an apology, because love was not for people like them. Love was for terrified little boys and hopeful little girls, clinging to each other with the promise they wouldn’t be left alone. She promised never to say them again; he promised he couldn’t kill her. It was as close to heaven as he would ever receive, yet even then, they looked at each other and admitted the truth.
One would most likely not survive the journey. And he accepted, in his own way, that he would have killed her too.
His friend — oh, his friend. He had forced some of that spark of goodness onto Cal, chipping away at the edges until what remained was someone who aspired for not just fame but for the soft joy of a smile. It repelled him; it tore at him. He didn’t want to hurt him — oh god, what was he doing? He was cracking, that inch of goodness warring with his own nature. There was nothing more than pain and anger, because there was nothing left inside of him.
What did he fight for anymore? At least pain and anger was something, he supposed.
For a brief moment, he paused in his attack. He didn’t want this. He wanted his friend, his brother, his equal.
Giles’s hand moved onto his arm, but in the midst of battle — even with his aggression slowly faltering away — Cal saw it as an act of offense. Instinct took over, the same instinct that had kept him alive so often, and he flinched out of the way, slightly lowered sword piercing forward into flesh and tissue.
An unstoppable object meets an unbreakable object.
And the unbreakable object broke by the steel tip of a blade.
“Oh — “ One shocked gasp, eyes widening as his brain caught up to his instinct. “Fuck, no — “ Had the color red always carried with it such regret and pain?
“Giles — “
Words of love would always lead to a grouping of crows, and a grouping of crows was called a murder for a reason.
For a moment, Giles thought Cal had punched him, it was sudden and hard and it pushed him backwards briefly. There was no pain immediately, and he gasped, reflectively, stumbling for an instant and then remaining still. For a moment he didn’t understand, his eyes still on Cal’s, didn’t understand the shocked gasp in return, the horror in his familiar eyes. He tried to speak but found his lips were trembling. There was a wetness starting to grow upon his chest. For a minute, there was no pain, and he didn’t understand.
His blade fell from his nerveless hand, thudding dully against the earth.
the cry of the sea || cal & giles
He needed to get Giles away, far away, but as the man continued to promise he would stay, Cal could do little more than say crueler and crueler things in an attempt to force him to break the promise he had made so haphazardly. Cal wasn’t worth this pain, this torment, this ending — and it would be an ending. Giles held his blade in a purely defensive stance, but Cal made no such attempt. He didn’t give warnings; he rarely made threats. He struck to kill.
“Shut up,” he finally hissed, hand tightening around the hilt of his sword. “I promised I would be greater than any man, any king, any god. I never lied to you about it. I told you, you stupid fucking prat. I told you again and again, but you never listened.”
It was as if he was outside his body, watching a play being acted out that he had no memory committing to mind. The actors jerked forward, movements hesitating and slow, and he wanted to shout out a warning, shout out for them to stop. In a perfect world, the two friends would never have come to this, but long ago, he had accepted it was not a perfect world. If it was, he never would have existed.
The play was quickly coming to a close, and Cal couldn’t speak anymore. What was there left to say?
I’m sorry.
If he was truly sorry, wouldn’t he stop? Wouldn’t he drop the sword in his hand, cracking his I-can’t-quite-believe-you smile as he slapped the other man on the back?
I don’t want you to die.
Their pasts blurred together, the prince and the pauper, and Cal swung his sword, using his strength to his advantage.
Once Cal had meant safety and together they had had a better chance of survival. The other man was bigger, stronger and more aggressive, while Giles had retained the advantages of subtlety and speed. Those facts proved obvious from the moment they had first clashed in combat as young men, and remained true to some extent now, but there was a time when those skills had not been turned against each other, but directed outwards as a team. Cal’s strength and aggression had benefited Giles before, had lulled him into some sense of security, as a child might feel with an older sibling that was willing to defend him, but that strength was turned against him now.
The strike was broadcast clearly through the quick tensing and shifting of his friend’s body, and Giles held his breath and shifted with him, grateful that some things did not change - Cal tended to broadcast a hit. The absolute terror and betrayal that should have been radiating through him as not, as he was unable to process deeper thoughts in that second than merely staying alive, absorbing the blow. Quick reflexes brought his sword up at an angle that would not snap it, and there was a vicious clash as they interlocked, Giles’ thinner weapon radiating that savage power directly into his sword arm.
He stumbled backwards and felt the pain result as he forced his weight onto his wounded leg, pulling a gasp from his lungs. It was blinding, briefly, and he reacted only out of instinct, stepping forward with the blades still interlocked, locking eyes, and then trying to shove him away. In another time, they would have met as equals, but with his leg still healing, Giles became completely and chillingly aware of his disadvantage. There was only one way he could survive this, and the idea was unthinkable, leaving him with the untenable option of waiting out the storm. Perhaps Cal would come to his senses. Perhaps someone else would come.
He thought of Andres, of Finn, of Bea. He thought of Edward, and if he would ever see him again, of Alex, who was just starting to find her way, of Harvey, and of Mikah and their needed reunion. He thought of Jorah, and the brief happiness they shared together, and the promise that they made. He wanted to live. He wanted to live, and to live his life in a way that held some meaning. They had built the ship nearly, they had a chance to return. Life could go on. He didn’t want to die.
He didn’t want to die.
Cal was striking to kill.
He was afraid. He defended himself only by waiting for the next strike, unable to conceptualize moving forward driving his sword deep into Cal’s body, watching the surprise and agony dance in his eyes, watching him crumple, knowing that it was his fault, his fault. Others needed him, and it was his duty to come back to them, but when he raised his sword, the point was not directly at the other man. He had spent so many months trying to think of what Cal was to him, having never experienced it before, never felt the jarring of realizing that he served as a bookend of the same soul, appearing in a pair, but always in opposition. To get closer would be to topple the order of things, and he had gotten closer.
He knew what he was to him. Cal was his exception.
No man above all, but I never meant you.
Few knew him better than the man before him. Few knew Cal better than himself. He wanted to reach out to him and tell him that he was scared, in a way a child might be scared of the dark. He wanted to embrace him for a moment and forget that he’d be shoved away. For a moment, Giles was like a little boy, looking up to his older brother for reassurance. “There’s more to you than this,” he whispered. “More than pain and anger. There’s good in you too, I felt it.”
Everything is easier for me with you beside me.
The words hurt. They spread a molten agony into his chest. He absorbed them like he absorbed the blow, and could have returned them in anger, but he did not. He just looked at him with fear and with sadness and with love radiating from his eyes.
“I love you,” he said simply, looking up at his friend with the same pure and complete emotion he had the day he had freed him, had saved his life. Had he saved him for this? “And I’m scared.” For a moment, without thinking, he briefly lowered his sword and stepped forward, placed his free hand on the other man’s arm. “I don’t want you to kill me. I don’t want to be dead.”
Brother. My brother. I love you. Come back. Together, we’re unstoppable. We can do this, together.
“Cal----”
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