Jon Kobler was fed up. Jon Kobler had taken about as much as he could take. Jon Kobler couldn’t take it any more. Before making the decision to change every single thing in his life-- large and small, monumental and insignificant, everything -- for the worse, Jon Kobler felt something he had never felt before. A nefarious thought krept from the prehistoric depths of Jon Kobler’s mind. The thought was simple and confusing at first to Jon Kobler who had graduated a four-year university in four years and earned a degree to prove it. The confusing, nefarious thought sounded like an honest question asked by a young child to which Jon, a 38-year-old child, had surprisingly no logical answer. The thought was this:
Jon Kobler, who was fed up and couldn’t take it anymore, seethed in his car, which had no working A/C unit due to the heat, listening to this thought as though it were a new hit single. “Coming to you on your commute home or wherever you listeners may be, stay tuned!” Jon mused to himself on what would have been his commute home. Jon Kobler, of course, would not make it home tonight. By no fault of his own, at least he believed this to be so, Jon had unwittingly found himself on the receiving end of what drivers in the 20th Century in the United States of America refer to as gridlock. In order to understand Jon’s mental state at this time on this day -- and more importantly, why Jon chose to ruin his own life -- it is important to know what is a Dirtbag.
Once upon a time, the world was a terrible place. The reason the world was so awful all the time is Dirtbags. Dirtbags roamed wherever they pleased, eating what they want, fucking who they want, taking what they want, having what they want all the time. Nobody could do anything about the Dirtbags because the Dirtbags could change what they look like, sound like, act like and hide in plain sight. Another reason nobody could do anything about the Dirtbags is because their natural enemy, Kind Folk, were powerless. Kind Folk could do many great and impressive things, especially when in large groups, but Dirtbags could ruin and even undo anything Kind Folk created. If Kind Folk made rules to keep people safe and happy, Dirtbags broke those rules to get ahead and so on. Eventually, nothing changed and the Dirtbags became very wealthy and the Kind Folk became very quiet. The End.
Most stories that begin with “once upon a time” and continue with “the world was a terrible place” end with the world getting better by some heroic or divine act. Jon did not believe in stories like that. As a young child, Jon believed in stories with morals and happy endings and heroes who get what they deservedly earned. Now a 38-year-old child, what some members of polite society affectionately refer to as an Adult, Jon believed in the things he observed. Here are some of the things Jon observed between being a young child and being an Adult:
Age 2 - Jon witnesses a hit-and-run involving a drunk driver and an old man. Jon has no recollection of this event.
Age 9 - Jon is bitten at SeaWorld in Orlando, FL and develops a semi-irrational fear of of seagulls.
Age 12 - Jon’s best friend’s older brother shows Jon and his best friend porn for the first time.
Age 15 - Jon’s best friend shoots himself in the head while drunk
Age 16 - Jon is tackled from behind by a “friend” at high school. This is the last sound Jon’s left ear ever hears.
Age 17 - Jon loses his virginity to Alice Hopkins, a full-time waitress at Corky’s Bar & Grill. She is 29-years-old when they have sex in the back of her father’s Honda Odyssey.
Age 18 - Jon’s best friend’s father dies. The funeral is the day Jon leaves for college.
Age 21 - Jon breaks his right leg in three places during his 21st birthday party after being goaded to climb a fence.
Age 23 - Jon’s father is killed by an armed robber fleeing the scene of a crime.
Age 24 - Jon leaves home after deciding he is incapable of caring for his mother. He arranges for a nurse to come by 3 times a week. He knows this is not enough.
Age 26 - Jon is diagnosed with clinical depression during a routine checkup.
Age 27 - Jon’s car is stolen after a job interview.
Age 30 - Jon celebrates his 30th birthday by getting drunk alone.
Now, Jon was sitting in his “new” car, which was a 2004 Volvo S60 he bought sight-unseen, staring at a Dirtbag in profile. Above the Dirtbag’s car, which was a stunningly clean 2017 Lexus RX, shone a green light. In America, it is widely understood that green means go and Jon was stopped.
Jon had of course been presented with opportunities to cause gridlock himself -- to transform into a Dirtbag. Jon believed everyone had an unspoken duty to choose not to be a Dirtbag, when given the opportunity. Jon believed Kind Folk had an unspoken duty to choose to remain Kind Folk.
“I don’t cause gridlock. I look ahead. I think, then act. I follow the rules. Why don’t they?” This thought and its cousins paraded through Jon’s head as he continued to stare into the right ear of the Dirtbag in the Lexus. Jon was tired and sweaty. The Dirtbag looked carefree and cool, like he had no regard for the crime that was being flagrantly committed in public. The other drivers, pedestrians, employees on their smoke breaks didn’t seem to notice or care about this afront to polite society happening in broad daylight. Jon laughed out loud. There was nothing polite about society. There were no more Kind Folk. The Dirtbags made them extinct.
Jon Kobler was fed up. Jon Kobler had taken about as much as he could take. Jon Kobler couldn’t take it any more. Jon lifted his right leg off the brake pedal. Jon brought his foot down on the gas pedal. Gasoline poured into the engine and tiny explosions propelled his vehicle forward. A loud crunch and the dazzling sprinkle of broken glass filled eyes and ears. Though the space between the front of Jon’s car and the passenger side of the Dirtbag’s car couldn’t have been more than twenty feet, Jon Kobler drove into the Lexus at a full forty-five miles per hour.
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