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I am more than my house. I am more than my car. I am more than my job. I am more than the faceless icon of this damn blog. More than my facebook feed, my friends, more than my family, more than my son,more than my lovers. I am my own person and I have my own thoughts and needs and feelings and personality and worries and fears. And so are you.

Heartbroken

It’s been a week since THE BF and I called it quits. I have heard shit from my family. I have heard shit from him. I haven’t said shit to anyone except about any of this to anyone but my friend. But I am truly devastated. Its really hard to explain why this hurts so much. It really is a logical decision. He and I don’t go together. We don’t work. We are toxic for each other. We do not agree about the very basics of life. We are both “victims” of our own lives. So why does it feel like my heart is breaking into pieces? Why does it feel like my chest is caving into itself? Why do I find it hard to breathe?

#THE BF

Second Thoughts

I had a man in my life a while back. We dated very briefly. But circumstances and selfishness on my part broke us up. For a while we flirted with the idea of getting back together, becoming a polyquad. I thought I was in love with him. I only loved him, if that makes sense. I was in love with THE BF. Anyway, he had a catastrophic loss in his life. Things changed drastically. For him and for us. But we managed to remain friends. Then finally we shattered. I mean completely shattered. Now I am talking to him again, and I am questioning why I ever thought I was in love with him, why I ever thought I loved him, in the first place. I am questioning everything that has happened in the past 20 months if I am honest. Getting divorced. All the things I did right after my divorce. Joining the fetish community. Becoming a member of a triad. Choosing to stay with the male partner after that relationship dissolved. Moving in with him. Staying in that toxic relationship for so long. Beating him down until he couldn’t take it anymore. Hurting him in all the ways I have. And why I have carried on believing this friend, this man, was ever anything more than that. Just a friend. I miss THE BF terribly already. But I know this is the very best thing I could have done for him.

Chasing

I don’t. If it seems like I am,its because I make an effort to be close. But I will tell you this now. Don’t be surprised when the phone calls stop. When the invites dry up. When you no longer have a real idea of what my life looks like. I will drop you if I have to chase you down. I need to be just as important to you as you are to me, or I stop caring fairly quickly.

Moving My Life.

Time to rearrange my furniture again. Going to push my bed back against the wall,now that I only need one side. Also getting a smaller dresser. Minimalism begins tonight, with my clothes reduction.

Toxicity

It is hard to admit when you can’t succeed in a relationship.You may truly and deeply love the person, and it just not work. I understand now that no matter how your emotions direct you, logic must dictate your life. If your ideals, morals, views, principles, don’t match up, then you can’t make it work. One of you will have to compromise your core to satisfy the other and that shouldn’t have to happen. You shouldn’t make the other person less than they are because they don’t agree. They shouldn’t feel like they aren’t good enough. Like they aren’t smart enough, Like they aren’t the very best person in the world to you. When that cant happen you have to let them go and move forward. For them and for you.

Avoiding Temptation

I read in a few articles that if you want to choose a life of celibacy you have to be organized and avoid temptation. You want to be celibate from drugs, sex, or alcohol, stay away from situations where these things are offered and you may be tempted to partake. So I turned down an invite for memorial day weekend. He doesn’t know I am single, but I do. So I am going to stay home. I want to go out for my upcoming aging party, but I dont want to go some where I might want to drink my blues away. So home again. Im also going to work toward being celibate from other things, after I get these current things under control. I dont have a drug problem, but I have been taking anti- anxiety prescription medication to sleep more often than I would like. Also I have been abstinent from alcohol since Easter so that’s been more than 30 days.i just want to stop taking the meds and keep my legs closed.

Clarity

My come to Jesus moment came with more than just a break up. I realize I have never spent a significant amount of time alone. i don’t mean single, I mean alone. There is always another human in my physical proximity. Mental proximity too, but that is beside this particular point. Anyway, I have written about my 96 month plan, which has turned into a 120 month plan. I realize I have to complete this plan singularly. No partner. I have relied for too long on others being a constant presence. I have been so long reliant on it that I seek it out even in toxic relationships. So now I need to learn who and what I am. And I need to learn that without the interference of those around me. So I will start this 120 month plan with a partner less 10 %. I will turn my head to the grind and not only not date, but not date actively.

The Break Up

I finally had my come to Jesus to moment. My life is unhappy because I chose unhealthy people for me. I know I do. I let my feelings over ride my good sense. So now I am down to one good friend and I am single. But ok. I will be happy. I will focus on what is good for my little man, for me, and for our family of two. Still going minimal, still focusing on my two dreams,and still being me.

Minimalism

I have been talking about this for a while, over a year actually. The concept is lovely. Stream lining your life and getting rid of all the extraneous junk. But really its difficult. But now that I have decided which path I am going to follow, minimalism seems easier. I have picked two, and only two interior hobbies that I enjoy. One has its own designated room,my kitchen. Baking requires tools, but thankfully I already have most of what is required and I use them for more than just a hobby. The other is needlework/sewing. So my plan is to reduce what I have by separating things by projects in progress, and then not buying anything new until all of them are done. I am going to clean out my closet and rid myself of all the clothes and shoes I don’t wear, following the 10 item wardrobe idea. I’m going to have 5 pairs of shoes though. Black heels, black dress boots, flip flops, work crocs, and sneakers. Also, I am going to have scrub sets along with 5 undershirts. But I promise even with that long list I will still be pared down quite a bit, lol. I also have a cubic crap ton of paperwork everywhere. Journals, notes, bills, kid drawings. All of it. It’s ridiculous. So I am going to scan and digitize everything I can. Then everything else will go into either a two drawer file cabinet or will fit onto a single bookshelf. Fingers crossed. Lol.

Parents

THE BF asked me if we will ever life without our parents. LOL. NO. His mother is ill, not breaking down on her death bed or anything, but she has an illness which will definitely worsen as she ages. My father is ill. I’m not having to care for him daily, but I am already performing certain needed tasks for his health care. Which is fine. My mother has heart problems, A fib for those who know what that is, but is otherwise fine. However, about 5 years ago my mom and I made a pact. When my dad passes, she will come live with me and take care of the house and the grandkids. I will support her, monthly bill wise, and she can live comfortably on her retirement. THE BF is not to excited about this idea, having lived with his own mother for 35 years, and not to keen about my parents already intrusive role in my life, is none to pleased with that idea. But he does understand that this was in place before he came into my life. I guess we will live without parents when they all die. But by then, hopefully, our children will be asking this same question. LMAO

#THE BF

Doing Two

So I have decided to pursue two dreams. I am going to work on my house and get it to the best possible shape I can. I know the look I want, The color scheme, and what I am willing to spend. Dream two: I am going to bake. I have always been in love with baking and pastry.I used do a lot of it when I was first married, but between raising my beautiful boy and my degenerating relationship with his father, my passion for extras in life began to wither until it completely disappeared. I was an overwhelmed and angry woman, with a breaking and aching heart, a busy work schedule, and no true friends in the world. Now I am finding myself again. My son is growing and so smart and is becoming more self sufficient (thankfully not to much though). He has become interested in cooking and baking and I can do that with him instead of choosing between the two. I am in love, truly, and as my heart thaws and lightens, my passion returns ever closer to the surface. I feel secure, still a little overwhelmed, and happy. Here are my base steps to my three year plan.

1. Pay off all of my debt ( excluding my house )

2. Repair my credit to get my score above 750.

3. Thoroughly plan out the total structural picture of my house

4. Save as much money as possible, including reducing my expenses as much as I can with smart shopping and such adjustments.

5. Begin a new house project each time I have the cash saved as a reward for paying a certain amount in debt, i.e. paid off $1000 in debt = a new roof.

The Dream Conundrum

Is it possible to have to many dreams? I mean ideas about what would be perfect in your life? I find myself with an overwhelming number of dreams for myself and my family, from my career to my house. The biggest concerns are always money and time. Will I ever make enough or save enough money to fulfill any of these dreams? How can I do just that? How long will it take me? Do I have the knowledge to make the money it will take? And then further on into the vortex. I am able to complete steps to accomplish these dreams on my own or do I need help? How much will that cost me? Do I know enough? Do I have enough drive? And then overwhelmed and probably exhausted. What dreams are practical? Which one’s should you throw away? Which ones do you go for first? What is the most efficient order of completion? All of this while having no real idea what your future looks like. Planning your dreams of tomorrow with th hope that you will actually get a tomorrow.

Arguing not Fighting

Things are getting to a wonderfully steady place now between THE BF and I. I am really enjoying the new found level of communication between us and the act that our mutually explosive tempers are being cooled instead of fanned when we talk. He has made me some promises and said some things, and I believe him. I know me trusting someone is new, but I do. It is a place that feels really good to me. I honestly feel like we will only get better at this stuff for one simple reason. We are doing something neither of us did in our previous marriages. We are growing together as a team and as individuals. He encourages me to be my own person and I try to do the same.

#THE BF

Life is lemons

Yesterday I found out my ex-husband is having a baby girl. I didn’t expect to have such emotional response to the news. I have been happy for him,truly happy for him, so far. I gave some of the things I had left from our son to his new girlfriend. I want to throw her a baby shower. I have truly been excited that my little one was getting a sibling. But I guess I had been envisioning this baby as a boy. When I found out she was a she, I began crying and all these angry, petty little thoughts came into my head. How the fuck could he do this to me? Give her the girl I had begged him for? On top of which he isn’t even grateful for the blessing? What the fuck is wrong with him? I was his wife for a decade. I gave him all I had. I worked hard for us. I was loyal and steadfast. I know I wasn’t perfect, God knows. BUT IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MY GIRL!!! All of this of course was completely irrational. It was never meant to be my girl. If it was, it would have been. And his gf, she is going to be an excellent mother. She is sweet and smart and beautiful. She makes my ex very happy and he always wanted a little girl when I was pregnant. I am still happy for them. I am still happy my son is getting a sister. I still want to throw her a shower. I just temporarily lost my mind and my composure.

psych2go

My House

I bought my house with my ex husband. It was always the very plain 800 sq. ft. rectangle it was when we bought it. Cleaner, no roaches ans spiders, whole windows, but plain none the less. But now my mind is churning. Making changes to the building inside and out, bringing me into it and chasing everyone else out of it. In time,I would say 5 years max, it will be all the way mine. My design, my layout, my materials, my colors, my furniture. It will be beautiful and simple and clean. It will be functional and minimal and it will be my sanctuary. Books, plants, photographs, paintings. Canned goods and preserved foods in the pantry. Hanging herbs drying in the sun. A garden in the backyard growing fresh vegetables, an orange tree in the front. Window boxes with flowers and pots suspended along the back porch roof. A pool with a deck for sun bathing and wine, and a moonlight garden shimmering and private. Everything that makes me a happy woman.

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