"Hope, you’re the the only one fucking up, okay? I know you think you’re responsible for a lot of things, but god knows I’ve been too. Do you know how many people we let die here while you were gone? I’ve screwed up marriages, I’ve let people die, I’ve- I’ve— We all do a lot of things, Hope, things we wish we could stop caring about so much."
"I don't think I'm responsible. I am responsible There's a major difference. Yeah,actually. But again, this is where you're wrong. First death was medical. Second death an accident, third death a suicide, which..before I go on, let me remind you; we work with kids who are classified insane, suicides are bound to happen. There was another accident, two more medical, and a murder, if I'm not mistaken. Not all marriages are forever. You can't save everyone. There's a difference between you and me, Sidney; you may have broken up marriages, and you may have let people die over the course of your career, but you've never killed your little sister because you were too fucking stupid to pull over. You can redeem yourself for your mistakes. I cost my parents a daughter. I cost my sister her chances at a professional career. I cost my other sister her life. I can't redeem myself for that."
"I-I, um… I’m not really doing myself by any favours by talking more am I? I’m s— no, you know what? I’m trying, Hope, I really am. I know you’re not comfortable with me being around, but… I’m trying. And I’m sorry I’m messing everything up. I should just— I should just go."
"I'm not comfortable with a lot of things. You're not the only one trying here. We're all trying. There's only one person messing shit up for me, and it's the same person that's been messing shit up for me for the last seventeen years. So don't give yourself too much credit because contrary to what you're thinking it's not all you."
"Hope, I didn’t mean to… to say that. I spaced, I’m so sorry. But maybe someday if you feel like it, you could play with Jeri. It seems like she’d like that. Callie says she’s been practising a lot more lately.
"Right, spaced. Don't apologize to me, you can apologize to Sam in the morning after she'll probably have been up all night with me after more nightmares. Again. I don't play, I never did. I was the runner, Sam and Katie are the soccer players....was...Katie was a soccer player. If she wants to play with Sam I'm sure I could talk Sam into it. But that's all on Jeri and what Jeri's comfortable with, not me."
"I can sit through one and at least pretend I'm enjoying it. On occasion I can sit through two, depending on the day, and whether or not my sister's actually taking part in one. But any more than that and I would rather put a campfire out with my face."
"Right. To answer your question; she does know Sam plays, though she only knows that because I have one of Sam's old balls sitting on the shelf in my office, and a picture of Sam holding said ball in her soccer kit, and she put two and two together."
Trigger Warning; Mentions of car accidents, mentions of death, guilt over death
Drink up baby, stay up all night
With the things you could do
You won't but you might
With the youngest Montgomery out trying out for the local club soccer team, Hope had decided it’d be a good idea to try and start on her homework, knowing if Katie made the team they’d have to celebrate, and if she didn’t she and Sam would spend the weekend rotating shifts of trying to convince Katie it wasn’t the end of the world and getting her mind off of it.
“You wanna head down to the soccer field? Surprise her?” Sam’s voice snaps her out of a train of thought. In response she only nods, standing up from the couch, shoving the book aside as she grabs her keys from the bowl near the front door, following her sister out of it.
She’s 17 again and catching her 10 year old sister in her arms as Katie comes sprinting towards her and Sam, an excited grin plastered on her face.
“I did it!” she exclaims, directly next to Hope’s ear. She’s too proud to say anything, not when she knows if she does it’ll just go in one of Katie’s ears and right back out the other one. Another pair of arms wraps around her, and she knows they’re Sam’s. Using that to her advantage, she frees one arm and wraps it around Sam, using both their bodies to keep Katie from falling from her grip.
“We should celebrate. Mom and Dad aren’t going to be home until Sunday, meaning it’s just us for the entire weekend. We’ll go get something to eat, and you, little one, can tell Sammy and me all about the tryouts, okay?”
She’s not sure where the idea comes from, but Sam grins at the sound of it, and Hope knows it’s a good suggestion. It’s only solidified when Katie nods excitedly, squirming from their arms and running to the car.
The potential you'll be
That you'll never see
The promises you'll only make
She’s 17 again and she’s suddenly aware that every fiber of her being hurts, and she’s not sure why.
The last thing she remembers is driving. Sam had been asleep in the passenger seat, Katie was in the back. It had started to rain, it was dark, and they’d been a couple of hours from home. Katie had asked if they’d get home okay. She’d promised they would.
When she forces her eyes open, she’s not home, and that scares her.
Sam’s at her bedside, sitting in a wheelchair and gripping her hand. When their eyes meet, Sam bursts into tears. She can blurrily make out a bandage wrapped around Sam’s head, various bruises and bandages lining her body from what she could see, Sam’s arm in a sling. She gets the overwhelming urge that something is wrong.
“Katie…” she forces out, even though it hurts. “Where’s Katie?”
In response, Sam only cries harder.
Her grip on Sam’s hand tightens as best she can in an attempt to get her to look at her.
“Sammy…Samantha. Where is Katie?”
Sam’s reluctant to look at her,
“Sam!” It hurts to breathe, let alone yell, but she manages to raise her voice loud enough to yell out her sister’s name and startle her, forcing her to look at her.
Sam looks like she’s struggling, that she knows something Hope doesn’t and doesn’t know if she should tell her.
“Where’s Katie, Sam?!” she yells again. She should stop, because the pain was becoming borderline unbearable, but she wants an answer.
When Sam finally gives her one, it’s the exact one Hope doesn’t want.
“Katie’s dead, Hope.”
Do what I say
And I'll make you okay
And drive them away
The images stuck in your head
She’s 33, and finds herself again wide awake in the middle of the night, gripping at a picture of herself and her sisters, and her youngest sister’s old stuffed bear like it’ll bring Katie back if she wishes on it enough.
Footsteps pad into her room, and a short time later arms wrap around her waist as Sam pulls her closer, resting her chin against her shoulder, eyes looking at the picture.
Sam lets out a defeated sigh, pressing a kiss to the side of Hope’s head.
“You don’t help yourself any when you do this, you know.” Sam whispers.
“You don’t help yourself much by reminding me of that every single time either, you know.” Hope whispers back.
“Someone’s got to remind you.”
“Not every time. I know it’s not healthy…okay? I do realize that. But it’s…if I’m not dreaming of her, who she’d be, what she’d become…I’m dreaming of the day of the accident. Of how little she sounded when she looked at me when I’d glanced back in the rearview mirror and asked me if we were gonna get home safe and okay, because the rain was scaring her.” Hope whispers, clutching the bear tighter. “I promised her we would…I told her to go to sleep. One of us would carry her in…next thing I know I’m waking up in the hospital and you’re telling me she’s dead.”
A few wet drops fall onto her shoulder and it takes her a minute to realize Sam’s crying. It’s only when her cheeks feel wet that she realizes she’s crying too.
She sets the picture down, rolling over and pulling Sam into a tight hug.
“I’m sorry I killed our baby sister.” she whispers through the tears.
“I’m sorry you keep living with this guilt.” Sam whispers back. It’s the first time Sam hasn’t corrected her when she says she killed Katie, and Hope doesn’t know if she should be comforted by that, or frightened.
“I wish I knew how to stop your guilt.” Sam continues after a few minutes of silence.
“Nothing’s going to stop my guilt.” Hope responds, because nothing will. She’d tried everything she could think of.
“Something has to.”
“Having Katie back. That would stop my guilt.”
The statement’s more blunt than she’d have liked it to be, but Sam’s used to it, and it doesn’t seem to faze her.
“I can’t do that, or I would. What I can do, though…is stay here for the night. So you don’t have to go through the nightmares and the guilt alone.”
“Won’t your wife get mad?” Hope tries to make that come out with a teasing tone, but it doesn’t happen.
“Shut up…my wife can deal with being alone for one night. My sister needs me more. This is where I’m needed, and this is where I’m going to stay.” With that, Sam fidgets until she gets comfortable, and hangs onto Hope tight enough that Hope knows her sister’s not kidding around. “Now try to sleep, okay? I’m not going anywhere. You’re not going through this alone.”
All Hope can do, is nod, as it’s the same sentiment Sam’s repeated for the last 16 years, and not once did she fall back on it.
She moves Katie’s old bear between them. Sam gently rests her hand against it, letting out a shaky sigh before gripping it as well. Hope kisses her forehead in response, before closing her eyes, and praying for a dreamless sleep.
[Matthew looked at Hope, confused. How in the world was she proud when they had only spoken once. That was all he could think.. All he could take out the words the left her lips.] I’m just.. I’m so easily persuaded and because of that, I lost Eilidh, I lost my education. I need to learn how to not cave into peer-pressure.. that’s all I want to learn today.. nothing fancy about my addiction or anger issues— By the way do I have to take anger management courses for that? But anyways, peer pressure.. I cave in too easily and now my parents are disappointed and I hate it.
"There's a few things you have to learn when it comes to peer pressure, the first one being not all of it is bad. For example," [Hope pauses as she stands, walking over to a shelf near the door. Studying it for a minute, she grabs a photograph from it, walking back over to her desk and handing it over to Matthew.] "My sisters." [she explains, giving a small nod.] "When Katie, the younger one, was around, about 8, she decided she wanted to play soccer, because all her friends were getting into the game. So she worked her ass off, trying to learn all she could, Sam and I helping her along the way. She made it to a team when she was ten. Why I told you that, is because it's an example of peer pressure, good peer pressure." [She moves to sit back down.] "Next thing you have to learn is that you have a voice, that you are fully intended to use whenever you disagree with something. If your gut tells you it's wrong, chances are it is, and you're allowed to say no if you don't agree with what's going on. The trick just is, you have to know how to stand your ground. That, unfortunately, can be the hardest part."
[Matthew took a small deep breath as he placed his hand on the door handle, pushing it down and pushing the door open.] “This is really sudden and I understand if you don’t want to do it now.. but I just didn’t know who else to go to. I tried to talk to Eilidh and well.. I’m scared to tell her things.”
[Finding what she was looking for, Hope pulled the folder out, picking up the rest and tossing them aside, wincing when they landed in such a way it looked as if the stack would fall over.] "I'm probably going to have to clean those up later...ah, another excuse to avoid going home." [She mutters to herself, before looking up in Matthew's direction.] "It's not too sudden, and I'm proud of you for being the one to initiate this. You're coming to someone instead of taking it out on someone else, and that's a good thing. My job is to be here whenever you need me, whether I want to do it or not in the moment doesn't matter. I'll tell you though; I'd rather help you out now, and get you to a place where your head's at least somewhat clear, than go home right now. So this is a win-win for both of us. Being scared is normal...that's a normal thing. It's good you're trying to talk to her, though. That's a really good thing. "
[Matthew made his way down to where Hope’s office was located in the building] “Here goes nothing. First therapy session. You can do this.” [He mutters, almost giving himself a pep talk before knocking three times on the office door.]
[Hope sat there for a minute, closing out the text from Matthew before opening up a new one to her sister, letting her know she'd be home later.] "Oh kiss my ass, Samantha." [She mutters at the reply, before pulling open a drawer and shoving the device inside, reaching over to grab the stack of files that sat nearby. She started to flip through them, hearing the knocks.] "It's open."
