[hopelesswonderer5218]

September came in with a bang when R’s mom died. It’s still weighing on our gang. I tried praying to her today. I feel the need to talk to Paster E but I don’t want to be a bother. I just feel like I have been treading water for. Long time and it’s getting so tiring and there is no end in site. School starts in 4 days and the days look long and isolating for everyone. Part of my wants to stay in these dog days of summer and the other part wants to hurry up and figure out how the hell we are going to make this work. I honestly just want someone to give me a hug and say it’s going to be ok, I’m not alone in this, I have some help figuring this out, someone else is on my side. I am struggling but I keep having to step forward.

[hopelesswonderer5218]

This week has been hard. Like adulting hard. Work is so hard and frustrating and I can’t wait for it to be over. Hopefully one more week. R moved and we packed her up and that was hard. Then she got a message her mom was dying within days and she rushed home and that’s hard. I hardly know this women but we connected and she was so sweet and I am sad she won’t be on this earth anymore, and I am sad for R. D is having a hissy for over something I honestly don’t even know what it is anymore and I’m over it. I know she has her stuff but she is acting mike a bitch honestly. Going home to family this weekend and that has its ups and downs. I am tired and feeling fried and need a vacation but work is just going to be even harder when I get back so now I don’t even know. I’m just tired and feeling a lot and need a break for a long time.

[hopelesswonderer5218]

5-10

For anyone following along, you know Mother’s Day is not my day. My relationship with me mother is currently nonexistent, I don’t know if or when that will change but I know my relationship with her will always be strained at best. I have come to terms with this as best I can. I have a lot of women who filled her roll in my life when they needed too. I miss both my grandmothers today a little more. But I was able to keep busy. Dispite waking up pretty hungover, I snuggled my new kitten, I went for a walk with Kim, I zoomed with my family and I plan to end the night chatting with the best friends. It was a good day, but it’s still a hard day. Emily acknolaged that in group on Thursday that this is a hard day for some people and I know she was talking to me specifically. It’s such a hard thing that we feel forced to have these relationships with our mothers but sometimes it’s so hard. Sometimes we don’t have great mothers. They are not all the things a mother should be. We can’t rely on them. They didn’t build us up, they didn’t make us feel loved, they didn’t make us feel like the center of their world. It’s a hard thing to come to terms with on a day like today. So today I stay thankful for the mothers in my life who stepped up and filled a roll even though they didn’t have to.

[hopelesswonderer5218]

I’m not even sure how long we have been in quarantine well over a month, pushing 2 months for sure. I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders I’m tired I feel like I haven’t had a good sleep in a long time. I’m worried my anxiety is hard. I miss my old way of life. Work is so so hard. We are all getting tired of it. It’s hard having the parents home and not being able to go anywhere the days are long and tiring even though we don’t do anything. I am feeling disconnected, alone and weighed down. I feel my relationship with god struggling. I want to yell out for help but there is nothing anyone can do to help me because you can’t even get close to people. R’s mom has cancer again and that feels so so hardly heart aches for her. And S has symptoms of covid and that’s heavy on me. I want to curl up in a ball and sleep but I can’t sleep if my life depended on it. I’m tired and I just want my life back. I hate this.

[hopelesswonderer5218]

4-24

Honestly quarantine is kicking my butt today. I am so burnt out from work. I am lonely, I miss my friends and my family. I just need a break, I need a hug, I need a day off. I’m tired like tired to my bones. I want my life back. I was really enjoying my life and now it’s gone. I want a vacation. I want a break from the anxiety, I want someone to just hang with. I want to walk into a store without fearing for my life, I want to be able to pick up the things I need. I want to have work back to myself, I want play dates and days at the pool and to sit on a playground bench. I am fried ya’ll. So fried.

[hopelesswonderer5218]

Lock Down Week 2

It’s still hard. It doesn’t get easier for sure. We just keep trucking through as best we can. I thought we might be going low and then getting high as we get used to it. But it’s just kind of staying at that low spot of not getting worse but not getting better. I’m tired despite the time off work. It’s grief and anxiety and trama so it’s not great and it’s hard to find energy to do anything. It also rained a lot. Maybe once it’s nice I can walk or something again.

I find myself missing PE a lot. Like more then I thought. She’s quickly becoming that mentor/mother figure I tend to gravitate towards. I feel like we were getting close and now it’s hard when I only see her through a computer with other people. I want to reach out to her but I always feel like a bother and like people don’t like me...(thanks for that mother) I’m struggling, maybe if I disclose some of that in group this week she will reach out to me. That’s what I’m praying for.

Speaking of praying I am getting AWFUL at it. I hoped I was moving towards being baptized but I’m feeling like I’m drifting now. I don’t know how to find motivation without seeing people like PE and R and My praying and having something to look up to.

Mostly I am just really tired and run down. My anxiety is getting the best of me.

[hopelesswonderer5218]

Lock down week 1

One week down, supposedly we have one more week left but I don’ t know.  Schools might stay closed the rest of the year. who knows, anyway, here’s how my week went. 

~The kids went crazy having both parents home. We ended up camping out at Mama J’s the rest of the week after the first day. There is no way I’m going to make it very long without losing my cool if everyone is going to be home for more then two weeks. 

~I’m already losing hours and after 2 weeks I will start losing more. That sucks because I gave up everything to be here, but w.e. nothing I can really do about it. I’m just really pissed and stressed. 

~I miss seeing S and K and R during the week. I miss our playdates and talking and them breaking up my day. I understand why I can’t see them but its just hard because we were so used to it and it made everyone’s day easier. 

~D and V and I have been facetiming every night though so that's been nice. 

~ I am forgoing the social distancing for a while this weekend and going to go spend the night with K because I can’t being stuck home. I was super surprised she wanted to have a sleep over but hey, I’ll go anywhere that gets me out of here for awhile. 

~And the real icing on the cake I had to put my cat down today and that really sucks and I miss her already even if she was a little brat she was my girl and it’s going to be hard to get used to life without her. 

[hopelesswonderer5218]

Life has been busy. Like beyond busy and I love it. I never thought I would be so happy but I really am. I have a great job, great friends, great travels. It’s just busy. New baby is a lot but he is so cute I forgive him for not sleeping all day and being fussy.

Today though, I took some time away from the busy and met with Paster Emily. It was amazing and so uplifting. She just sat and listened. She explained prayer to me, she said she was PROUD of me... like what!! We just talked about growing in the church and getting answers and next steps. It was so relaxing and I LOVED it. I wish I could do it with her regularly. She did suggest finding councling which I might do. I explained my situation with mother to her and she has a similar situation with her family and she gave me some things that work for her. She preached forgiveness and accepting her back into my life, but only if/when I am ready and said it might not be the right thing. She said I can just e-mail everyonce in a while. She said she used to end her emails with “I forgive you and I pray for you” I’m not sure If I ready to go there yet but I’m ready to start thinking about it. I’m just so greatful for a women like Emily in my life, she’s a great mentor and listens so well she makes me feel seen when I feel like I’m unseen. Sometimes I feel like I’m just blending into the background, she makes me feel seen.

[toastbutteregg]

[anothergirlfromaroundtheway]

Some of y’all never got slapped by your dad because you weren’t getting how he explained the question to you and honestly good for you.

[hopelesswonderer5218]

Haha oh man... we used to get smacked in the forehead with the pencil and told to think!! Ohhhh... and they wonder why we would rather struggle then come to them.

[hopelesswonderer5218]

2019

I have been trying to find time to write about this past year and sum it all up. I’m about 2 weeks late now because that is how my life is going. But here it goes. The highlights and lowlights of my year.

2019 was exhausting in every way possiable. I lost my grandmother 16 days into the new year. That was a grief I had never felt before. It was overtaking and embodied me for a long time. I heard rumors my nanny family was moving and I was both sad and pissed because I didn’t know and I couldn’t imagine life without them. Then they actually asked me to come which felt huge and I couldn’t imagine it but I also couldn’t say no so I agreed. I packed up my life and said goodbye to my friends and family and I left. I moved into a new state. I was so out of my element and my space and I felt like the nanny kids and I were taking on the world together. For the first time I was on my own and figuring it out and learning what lonely felt like. I met mama J and she was my first real person to rely on. But I had visitors all the time and I was always going on trips and the summer was a worldwind.

2 weeks after moving I was rushing home because my nana was dying. She died the next day and I was by her side. It was long and hard but somehow also peaceful. I was confronted with grief again but this time I didn’t have a soportive family around me. This grief felt harder and lasted longer and hit my soul in a way i had never imagined I would feel. It brought back all the grief from grandma and I felt it hard. But I picked up and went back home. A few weeks later I met R. And then S and K. We were fast friends and all the nanny kids got along too. We spent the rest of our summers by the pool swimming and playing games and forming our friendships. I am forever so thankful for our gang.

Fall came and school started. We adjusted to Miss Thing being gone in the mornings. We figured out our schedules to have play dates. We felt more settled and I was learning to live with the grief I still felt. Sometimes it still felt like I was drowning in it. I made it back hole once a month, I started going to church and made new friends there. I started through a rough patch with D and V that still feels hard, our gang started hanging out more and I grew a lot in my faith.

The year ended with family and friends. I got to go home. I’m planing a trip to Italy this year, playing a girls weekend with Miss Thing. The final bang was welcoming baby P. It was such a big changing year, I did so much growing and learning. There was so much joy and sadness and newness. I think 2019 will always live on as my year of biggest change. But it also felt better then past years. I feel like I struggles mentally less, I was healthier and happier despite the times of sadness and the changes are the ones I needed to move forward with my life. 2019, you had some of the lowest moments I think I will ever experience but you also had some of the highest. I’m ready for you 2020

[hopelesswonderer5218]

Torn

Life has been crazy since I got home. Baby PK is sick. Nothing major but he has to go to DR’s everyday and it’s not easy. The kids are so hard because everyone is home and I have no control and that makes me crazy. Miss Thing is ok but Batman makes me want to just leave him behind when he starts complaining. I have been working a lot, all hours including this weekend and I’m feeling worn out, I don’t even know what day it is.

On top of this my oldest cousin K her son A is really sick, been in the hospital for almost 2 weeks now. They are worn out and tired and asking for help so I’m going. I’m going to help and provide comfort and entertainment to little K and run errands and take care of A. We will see, I want to go and help. That’s what we were raised to do in my family. If someone needs help you step up and do it no questions. When my grandmother was dying her children stepped up and helped. They gave up time and money and jobs and they did it without a second thought. That’s what I want, that’s what I want to be. So I’m going there in a few days to help them giving up time and money and sleep and comfort and going to help. It’s just awful timing because I feel like I am needed at work, but I need to go there, I feel so torn between the two. I am just tired and run down and In need of a break.

[hopelesswonderer5218]

1-3-2020

Top 5 for the new year.

1- New Baby is here, still working on a nickname for him. Haven’t spent to much time with him yet but he’s tiny and squishy and I’m excited to learn more about this little human and fit him into our life.

2- Christmas and New Years were everything I could have hoped for. Lots of time with family, busy and some days slow. Lots of good food and fun and I was sad to leave them all, if only we always lived in a world like that.

3- this month will be long. Lots of people home and that throws the kids off. Especially Batman. I’m hoping by the end of this month we are beck to our regular schedule and I’m running the house again and we can get back into it. Miss Thing is always my dream child, she wants to travel with me, I told her maybe when she is 7 we can take a girls trip. How I hope I am always a part of her life. I want to see her grow and explore the world with her when she gets older.

4- definitely in some restricted eating again. I tend to have a bad crash once a day. Yesterday was like 4 pieces of pizza which is not good. But today it was soup and hot chocolate so not awful. I might have some food later but just a small snack. I have gotten really good at skipping breakfast.

5- Want to write a post summing up 2019 it was such a big year. Probably get around to that tomorrow. Traveling is hard but I’m learning to deal with the weird sleep.

[hopelesswonderer5218]

12-22

Definitely starting with an eating disorder again. On day 4, I knew it was coming too. I’m starting to remember stuff from 4 years ago. Thanks stomach bug for setting this off. At least I will be skinny by Italy. Let’s see if it holds up through a week with family. That is all

[hopelesswonderer5218]

12-6

It’s a Friday feeling Friday. All week has been back to back things and more things after work. I feel so burnt out. I had a busy week into a busy traveling long weekend jumping back into a busy week. I am definitely worn down and starting to feel it with a cold. This weekend is looking pretty busy, working all day tomorrow. Going to K’s tonight. Sunday is just church but maybe brunch and I would really like to go to Christmas village. I’m just run down and would like a break but also not. I wish I could sleep in for a whole day. Pizza in bed and everything else. In the mean time I’m going to get up today be productive, have a night with the girls and regret it when I have to wake up early for work tomorrow.

[hopelesswonderer5218]

11-27

Had some major stress dreams last night about going home and seeing mother. Not helpful at all. Working a 1/2 day today and then going home. Looking forward to a long bus ride to get some sleep and hang out. Hoping everything goes smooth and I catch both buses and I get home safe tonight. Here’s to a smooth ride, a long nap and finding a movie I have been waiting to see!

[hopelesswonderer5218]

11-25

Life update because I’m not here much. Going to do a top 5 to sum it all up I think

1- friends. R,S and K are the best. I love them and the times we spend together. They have my back and I really value our friendship it’s so crazy how everything fell in place with them. D and V~ I miss them a lot but I am learning to live without them. They are my sisters and I will always have their back no matter what, but it’s not the same. I’m sad it’s changing and also ok with it because I’m happy where I am.

2- grief- it’s still there, all the time I miss my grandmothers. It’s hard and I think going into the holidays will be hard. I never expected it to linger with me for so long but it has, and I’m learning to love with a piece of my heart missing

3- work- it’s great. We have a rythem, we have friends, I love that we are always changing. I love our schedule and routine but I also love our lazy summer days by the pool. It will be interesting adding a baby to our mix for sure. I like watching my cousins. There are times I was too rip my hair out but most of the time they are good and I enjoy them.

4- family~ trying to decide what I’m going to do about my mom, my relationship with my dad is great right now we had a super enjoyable week when he came. The steps.. we will see. We make nice. I still love the aunts and cousins, going to see K’s family soon for a weekend just super happy with all of that.

5 church~ God has found a place in my life lately which is super super surprising to me still. I love my church. I have become friendly with Paster E and she is so kind and accepting and just all around positive and helpful and I really enjoy her. R has opened my eyes to so much, I really enjoy my Sunday’s there it’s a time to just be at peace and everyone is so friendly and welcoming and just amazing I really feel at home there. I have started wondering if God brought me here, gave me a new life put me in the place gave me the friends I have to find my way to him.

[hopelesswonderer5218]

11-6

Today was a good day, maybe even a great day. Batman has been all over me for some reason, I’m not sure why but he likes me now so I’ll take it🤷🏻‍♀️ I mean I know he loves me but he and I usually butt heads so much so it’s nice to have it switched for a little bit. We started the day with a big get together. All the nannies and kids. We celebrated R’s birthday and had a big play date and just a ton of fun. Kids had quiet time and I made dinner. We went off to music practice then home for dinner and then back off to swim. I did Miss Things hair and we played for a while and then the day was done! Tomorrow is looking like a great day, and my dad comes for the weekend. My weekends are booked up through November so im pretty happy about that!