HOT DOUCHE

don't tell nobody

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We have a new Featured Douche in this delapidated, emaciated excuse for a blog -- Shia LaBoeoef! I know you’re looking at this and thinking “But Shia LaBoof has BEEN a douche,” Well--what I have to say to you is, he didn’t have that sectioned pony/rat-tail before, now did he? That matted piece of hair (?) has brought him over the line from ‘Regular Douche’ into ‘Scorching Hot Douche,’ It has also brought me over the line from “local woman with questionable taste in eye-candy” to “local woman who no longer knows who she is or what she wants out of life”

The man has taken one of those embarrassing Facebook “motivational quotes” and personified it. Someone tell James Franco that THIS is what real art looks like.

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Kid Cudi

You would think I'd never run out of material for HOT DOUCHE, cause the shame-fucks troll at every corner, and you'd be right. I only haven't updated in eons 'cause I've been busy and mostly lazy, to be honest. I'll do better. Today's featured D of the Day is: 

Kid Cudi-- You are such a DOUCHE! I mean, just look at that mohawk. But you can kick down my door in a psychotic fit of coked-out rage anytime. 

Ever since I saw your "Day N Nite" video (the Crookers remix), I was like DANG! Then you were in "How To Make It in America" and I was like GOT-DANG. And then you started showing up in the news just acting the fool, punching people, getting all violent with women, etc. I get it. Life must be really, really hard for you. Or maybe you're just an asshole? I don't know!

I thought Ohio boys were boys you took home to mama! Not this one, I guess. That's so cute, you think you're a rapper, nice bowtie. That's ok. I'll play your game: "You're so BAD, Cudi. I think your rap game is legit and totally intimidating,"

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Jared Leto

Just look at that. How fucked up in the head and the body do you have to be to touch salivas with a humanoid praying mantis? 

I remember a time in my life when Jared Leto was actually a sexy idiot who couldn't read. He really should have just stayed that way. I think 100% of anyone that I've ever talked to who is attracted to men loved Jordan Catalano. Beautiful, mysterious, aloof, and best of all, QUIET. Why does Jared Leto feel the need to express himself either through music or fashion? Behold the tragedy of his sartorial choices:

                           Seriously, what the fuck, Jared? You really look in the mirror and don't laugh at yourself? I want to know what kind of world you are living in where this is okay, so I can open up a striped arm-warmer shop there and make a fortune. But really though, we are part of the problem, because we let beautiful people do anything they want and lie to them like “That was a great song, I really liked it. Do me?”

You are in a new category all your own, because as hot as you are, I can't be sure that I could do it. Just can't do it.

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Let's Give a Warm Welcome To...

James Franco! --It actually really pains me to do this, but James: you done slid into HD territory and it looks like you are building quite a residence there. Why do you have to kill dreams, James? Do you like killing dreams, James? The laces were IIIINNNN!

I don't remember the first time I saw you, but I know that my life and my masturbation fantasy template was not the same after that. You done flipped mah script, James. I used to be like "Get it Lindsay!" and I mean Lindsay from "Freaks and Geeks", not Lindsay Lohan. Whom you actually rejected in a really classy way. And that's when I cried out to the heavens like a wolf woman, because here was a beautiful man who seemed intelligent (enough not to fuck on LL) and modest. Well, I was too nice, too soon.

Cause then, you started going to school. Which, fine. Get your learn on, by all means. As an intellectual of the highest order myself, I do terribly appreciate a gorgeous educated fellow but do allow for the occasional d-bag to remind myself that in a time of need, I can lower my standards just like a man (equality?).

But you? You're straddling the line. You couldn't leave it at just being absolutely perfect, could you? You had to start acting in soap operas. And that's not even the bad part, actually. You had to start talking shit about how this is some performance art nonsense, and used a lot of abstract, convoluted language to confuse--nobody, actually--into believing that you are actually doing General Hospital for a higher artistic purpose. Yeah, ok dude.

Now you have a solo show about being sexually confused as a boy. Ugh. Stop it. Why can't you just be hot and intelligent and stop it with the Lady Gaga shit. Just because the general public doesn't know anything about performance art doesn't mean that you can pull the wool over everyone's eyes. Sorry, hotdouche, no.

And by the way, you're a pothead. You're not a good enough actor to disguise the DUH from your entire presence. Then you pretend you don’t know The Herb in public? How you gonna do your weed like that?

You know, all this inappropriate hatred toward men who are absolutely annihilating their sessiness by being pompous herbs reminds me of someone else who should have been welcomed into the HD hall of fame a while ago, but who has slipped my mind so far:

Jared Leto--youuuuuu...I don't even know where to start. You know what? I'm so mad at Jared Leto AND James Franco for doing this to me today, that I'm gonna have to cool off and write about this tomorrow.

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Debatable HDs: The Situation vs. Pauly D

                     I know it's been a while since I've posted. I've been going on trips and hanging out with my friends, since it's summer! Also, no one reads this . Also, I've realized that the Hot Douche is a rare specimen and I'm running out of material. So send me your douches!

Last night I was arguing with my friend Cristin on whether or not The Situation from Jersey shore qualifies as HD material. Obviously the "douche" part is not what we are debating here. I may be wrong, but I think she even described him as "crispy", which is awesome and hilarious. Then we discussed Pauly D, whom some find greasy enough to butter their bread, if you know what I mean. I'm talking about sex. 

If you don't watch "Jersey Shore", I don't know what you are doing with your life. You should probably just kill yourself. I KNOW people like this IRL and while their personal fashion choices may be mad questionable, at least they are fun. From what I care to research, I believe The Situation (above left) used to be a stripper before the show. And Pauly D is an aspiring DJ whose musical stylings I'm pretty sure you can predict without having heard one song played by his Lego man haired ass. What's up with that flat-top? I see 8 years behind the style curve Mexican dudes on the subway with that same 'do. Pauly, you should know that not enough time has passed for your hair to be retro or even ironic. And you know that gelled shit flakes all over the place! 

(I had to edit this because at some point in my stupid, meaningless life, I would have boned The Situation and contracted god knows what. I must have been bonging it way hard beforehand. Please don't judge me by that, because I was obviously not sober.)

I actually took the "delete" key to my previous statement about being so low on self-esteem that I would actually be in the same room alone with The Situation. That's how embarrassed I am about ever allowing that dark thought to knock on my brain door. HOWEVER, it is worth mentioning that after drinking the way these people drink, you're gonna need something to sober you up, and that might mean having to withstand a shrunken steroid dick to quench your thirst for some cheap meaningless sex with some shaved gorilla. Pickins is slim down the shore! I mean if you put yourself in that situation, you'll have to deal with the available chodal repercussions. I think by now, you know who I'd pick as the winner of this debate. But your nasty ass might be pointing you in a different douchey direction. 

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DOUCHES IN HISTORY:

So far the only people reading this are my friends, and my friends know: I love guidos. I'm pretty much known for this. I don't know if it's an ironic love or if I just have genuine bad taste in men, but I love them. They amuse me. Something about their dumb arrogance, or the fact that they can be appalling in so many ways and still be viscerally attractive, I dunno. Maybe one molested me when I was young and I blocked and flipped it. Or maybe I'm a super-feminist who objectifies stupid hot men! Anyway, reading all the self-help books I've read has taught me to identify the origin of my "obsessions," "traumas," and "fetishes".

When I was about 12 or so, I remember watching this special of "Love in the 90s" on MTV on my cousins' old-ass TV that came in a wooden dresser looking thing. It featured the Dog Brothers, two pieces of filth that trolled Long Island looking for pussy any way they could get it. They had a van with a bed and a complex lighting system in the back!! They wore $1,000 jackets imported from Paris (that they kept in plastic dry cleaning bags)!! They actually moisturized, exfoliated, and applied bronzer way before any normal dudes did it!! You can smell the Joop! on balls, even. What I'm getting at is: I am pretty certain that this program alone is what triggered my fascination with these types. 

I was reminiscing today and said, "whatever happened to the Dog Brothers?" My boyfriend was like "what?" and I looked this up and made him watch it. He laughed his ass off so I knew my instincts were right: these dudes are solid gold.

I think the only person who would even know what I'm talking about is my own brother, who watched that show with me. For years we'd be like "anotha fuckin' numba," I also remember watching a where are they now type episode where the one with the short hair found Jesus and had a fiancée that looked a lot like what Pam Anderson looks like today. The one that I personally thought was the hot one was still a dog. I hope he never changed. 

The real question here I guess is: which one of these guys isn't a douche? Even the dorky one that is scared to talk to women is just tore up. Oh wait, this is the 90s. And how does Bill Maher look pretty much the same after 20 years? Does pot keep you looking that young, cause if so I'll be saving a shitload on nips and tucks in the future.

I guess if I could be transported in time, I'd probably still choose the guy with the long hair. His shameful sex appeal is THAT potent. I should probably see someone about this. 

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World Cup HD-Cristiano Ronaldo

                                             This one is kind of a "duh", a unanimous HD. If your underwear hasn't hit the floor, you must be dead or asexual (or not wearing underwear).

His grooming choices are definitely bottom of the barrel Douche: shaped brows, leatha tan, diamond studs, greasy-on-purpose hair---but LAWD, there is still something about him that makes you go against all better judgment and self-esteem. Well, he's hot. Just makes you wanna slap your mama. Not sure if he would reject me for having more body hair than him, but I'd let him get filthy after summoning the HD holy trinity to protect me: preventive Valtrex, Costco box-o-condoms, and installation of a bleach-spurting bidet for after. I'll woo him by flashing my Sally Hansen pre waxed strips at the cluh. As you can see, I've thought this out.

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Here we go

Hi! Don't you just hate it when you see someone attractive, but totally tragic? If only they could just stop it with the chain wallet or white boy dreadlocks, right? 

Hot Douche is a gallery of those people who make you question your taste. Look at these sexy(?) pieces of humanity and ask yourself if you would. You would. 

Doesn't this guy look like everything he owns is "funky" in some way? Like even his toilet brush is in the shape of a hammerhead shark or he buys Japanese pencils because of the crazy packaging or some shit? Ugh, you look like you're 12. Too bad he's still pretty hot, though. I hate my libido sometimes.