the days drag on but the weeks fly by

I be yapping

[hotgriddle]

I can't forget why. I can't forget that I felt your insecurity leaking and it annoyed me. I can't forget that I didn't like the patches of hair on your ears, the lack of it on your head. I can't forget that I was embarrassed to stand next to you at that party. I can't forget that I felt like you forced your way in to my life. I can't forget the way that I wanted to stay in the car forever after hugging. I mean I can't forget that I didn't like how self-deprecating you were. I can't forget how you made me laugh and smile and I wanted to be alone with you all the time. I mean I can't forget how you looked at me. I mean I can't forget how you were obsessed with me. I can't forget how I wanted you to answer me, to talk to me, to join me everywhere I went. I can't forget you

[hotgriddle]

I haven't written anything in months. The basement walls are stale. I don't think I will ever feel happiness down here again. I am plagued with the thought of you running around here with me on your back and me doing the same for you. Crying laughing loving lying. I sit on these sheets, the same ones I have yet to change since the break up. I don't touch anything from then. I left the country and froze it all in time. The emotional weight of being here is a lot. I read back on some of the things that I wrote when we were together and I can't believe how calloused and mean and terrible I felt like I was being to you.

These days I've been thinking about you and having extremely vivid dreams of your touch. I was kneeling on my bed and you laid in front of me. I leaned down to hug you from behind, you had a yellow shirt on. You emanated a soft warmth that I miss the feeling of. Smooth and skinny. If I had it I might resent it despite wanting it so bad right now. I'm broken in that way.

I loved your mind and the way that you treated me. I felt so seen, known, and loved. I don't know if I will ever feel that way with anybody else. It's been so long since I've felt anything real. I won't let myself feel anything. I'm holding out, I can't have it all be for nothing. I can't even imagine another halloween happening without you after the mess that was last year. I want to skip the entire fall season. I don't want to live here and deal with that again, I need something to change so that I can learn myself and fix the deeper issues. I don't know what to do.

[hotgriddle]

today at work I thought a lot about what it means to be a ten

[hotgriddle]

sometimes I can't tell if I want you or if I just want somebody. anybody. but one time we were talking about a mutual friend who was going through hard times, and you said that he needed to be lonely for a bit. Because loneliness was the ticket to getting to happiness and being a better person. I hope that I believe that. I hope that it's true.

while I was reading this morning I felt the weight of loneliness nagging at me. I worry that if I continue to focus on my hobbies and stay at my parent's house I will be lonely. I like the clarity that doing these hobbies brings me, but it makes me realize that if I wanted to disappear I think that I probably could. What if I went offline on all social media? I don't know what would happen. Would it be worse if nothing happened? I will maintain the thought that I should never choose to be lonely. It's okay to be alone to do things for me, but I will never push people away and make the lonely choices. I think if loneliness is going to happen that it will force itself into my life and that is a problem that very easily snowballs into something hard to manage.

[hotgriddle]

something that I'm learning as I get older and live my life is that I'm a huge fan of a subversion of expectations. Probably to a fault in some ways. Specifically tonight I am thinking about how I love season 5 episode 8 of Supernatural: Changing Channels.

I used to love the opening sequence where it was set up like a cheesy 00's sitcom. I loved seeing my favorite characters acting in a world outside of their own, something a little different but still the same. Laughing and over-exaggerated. It was weird and it was charming and uncanny and strange. I was obsessed with the idea that the Winchester brothers could exist in a backdrop of color and honestly anything that wasn't dark and miserable (tbf during this season they're dealing with the consequences of starting the apocalypse). It was kind of like watching fanfiction come to life. I remember I used to like fanfiction a lot. I want to get back into reading as much as I dd as a kid, and get more analytical with things. Connect more in my brain.

[hotgriddle]

like a movie scene i look up to you and to my right and you're there. and we look at each other and blink and you gesture to leave and i say no and then you do and then you don't and you appear next to me in this Situation

[hotgriddle]

why am i scared to be non binary? I don't think I'm scared to claim that label, but I don't feel like I'm convincing enough to claim it. I don't know how to make that shift where people just see me and know. is this just me liking a subversion of expectations again? what are the answers. why can't I stop thinking about the he/theys in my life

[hotgriddle]

Thinking about your head under the covers on the white air mattress in the open air of the living room. It was early afternoon, and everybody else had already stirred awake. I like your eyebrows and your perfect skin. Your lack of inhibitions and your frame and your agency is everything that I want to be. My infatuation comes from the idea of who you are, not who you actually are. It's who I want to be, right down to the half-boy of it all. I am aware of this. It feels okay for me to harbor now.

[hotgriddle]

the clarity that I feel while doing yoga needs to be documented. I wish that I could remember it all

[vollzeitherz-deactivated2025120]

I told the stars about you.

They rolled their eyes, already knowing

[hotgriddle]

I have to keep the world spinning for me. So easy today to sit down and get left behind. Seeing each other is like filling the spoon for a recovering addict. I felt great yesterday. I don't want to leave my room today. More to come later.

[hotgriddle]

I know that I don't really like you and I'm just obsessed with the idealized version of you that exists in my head. I hope that others could understand that? It feels very fragile, like I will never see you again if other people hear that I feel this way. Maybe I am just trying to feed a delusion.

I'm mostly just inspired by how you seem to live your life. I feel like I'm running out of time in some ways, like I don't get out and do enough. I like that you've been to places and that you're like a fake person. or at least that I don't know a lot about you, can't really conceptualize you doing normal things, like owning and driving a car. I tried explaining this to you and I think you understood, or maybe you didn't. I think it's a sign that we won't be in SLC at the same time. I feel a kind of zen about it. I think that's helping me with my breakup, which you have nothing to do with and somehow are a character in. I overshare like that. It's okay.

[stuckinapril]

You literally have to take this one wild and precious life and wrangle it into something that’s worth waking up every day for

[hotgriddle]

Sitting in front of the bed that we spent several nights together in. You always folded the blankets before leaving, but you didn't this time. I can appreciate that we laughed and loved on the mattress together. Wrestling and talking and contorting and playing. We started in the same position as we ended, at the foot of the bed, you on top of me, me throwing devastating verbal daggers at you and you catching them and asking for more. I told you the very first time that I was going to destroy you. In hindsight that was very dramatic of me, and I said it more out of fear of my inability to open up, but I'm not sure what I meant by that now. Over the course of us being together I discovered that I often trap myself into self-fulfilling prophecies. I don't think that that was one of them at the time, but it seems like it could have been one now.

I look at the bed and all of the wrinkled sheets. The blanket crumpled up on top, in the middle of the mattress. The phone charger that I set up for you is still plugged into the wall. Em told me that you're looking to move away from the island. I don't know where you will end up but I can feel slivers of me wanting to see your new place when you get it. I even want to see the new car when it happens. We'll see what happens when you return. I'm a little scared for it. Every day I walk around here and appreciate you as a memory.

[hotgriddle]

one time before, I was in a bathroom with a boy after a party in the apartment upstairs from his own. we had a spark of mutual interest. he had an open floor plan and two roommates who were asleep. we made out in the bathroom for a bit. it was hot. he was thrown back on the toilet, held closely to me as I stood over him and we stared at each other breathing heavily and about two inches from one another.

When I decided that the spark had extinguished for the night, or that I didn't want to be in the bathroom anymore, or any other reason to explain that I wanted to leave, he asked me to stay. I told him no, he told me no, he begged me to not leave. he begged me to stay in the bathroom. I told him to let me leave. he didn't want to let me leave. I didn't like that. that was a stark moment for me, when I looked down at him blocking the door from me opening it. Everything around that moment is pretty fuzzy regarding dialogue, feelings, looks. But I remember that he begged me to stay. We kind of dated for 3 or 4 months after that. there's more to this, but i want to focus. We broke up. He liked me too much.

a few days ago, I broke up with a man that I've been seeing for a little bit now. kind of six months, officially one. we had a long and arduous conversation where I couldn't spit out that I had to break up with him. it was around sixteen hours, with four or five of those us being unconscious and cuddling through the night together for the last time. I don't think either of us really knew that when we were falling asleep. As the conversation went longer I could feel my patience whittling away, my stick getting sharper, piercing deeper through him. It didn't feel good for either of us. I couldn't stop the words from coming out of my mouth. Around hour ten, I told him he needed to leave because we were just going to keep going around in circles.

I said he needed to leave because I meant it. He didn't leave. I could excuse it the first time because he was so sweet to me. Ith set the bar for how I want to be treated when I open up to somebody. We were in a really painful moment of me wedging my heart away from a growing cage of sinew that connected us. But I knew I was going to keep getting more mean, I felt like I was being stretched, I was physically uncomfortable, I couldn't focus. I knew he needed to go. I asked him four more times to go. Until the last one, where the goodbye at the door took fifteen more minutes, until I was already late for my plans to leave at seven PM, until I had already denied him staying for longer to hang out and cuddle and watch a movie we've been trying to watch for months. It wasn't until I stood up and walked him out that he went.

I am drawing parallels between these two scenarios. I know both of them, despite being at opposite ends of our meetings, didn't want to leave the moment that we were in. If we could both stay in the same room forever, things would never end. they wouldn't be real. this is why they have witnesses for courthouse weddings, if someone outside of the two involved in these cosmic events never bear witness, did it even happen? I don't blame him for trying to preserve the moment. It was a surprise that was cut from him and left him hanging out to dry. I understand why you need to let go of the people that you love. I hope that his lasting impression of me is one of love. And that he will look back in a few months and see that I'm trying to spare him from me, and from unfair, unearned, unrequited love.

I would like for him to thrive. I worry that I will be a black, ugly mark of embarrassment and anger on his timeline. He is a wonderful, light grey, beautiful streak on mine.

[hotgriddle]

what is stopping me from living life? when will i realize how good i have it and start appreciating? I find it easy to forget who i am. the breakup has me feeling more grounded, more aware. I can hear you in songs. i feel like my skin has been pulled back and i have to stare myself down in the mirror until i can see through the bands of blood and muscle and accept what i have done. take a step away. man. i wish that i didn't do that to you. i wish that I could have figured it out on my own

[hotgriddle]

my ith. my ith that i treated so poorly, the whole time. I hope that you don't think I just kept you around because it was fun. you showed me things that I haven't felt in a long time, you reminded me that I could enjoy being with someone else. I can't pinpoint what I get when I'm with you and I probably won't be able to test that again for a while, not until you let go or you forgive me or you heal from all of the stab wounds I couldn't stop giving you. I'm sorry I didn't want to be more for you, I wish I could have stayed and done more. I wish I would have waited, or maybe we will intersect again at some point in time. I hope you can forgive me, I hope you won't be anxiously attached like a well trained dog that just wants to be loved and petted when all it gets is slapped.