I've got Handcuffs

Detective Alex Turner.

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Hey guys I'm on if anyone else is

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Lonely and petulant with no more exams and nothing to keep Emzy busy

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So tomorrow I’m going to be focusing exclusively on main for most of the day, so I won’t be responding to paras till probably the evening (I’ll be on tonight around 7 as well)

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But Emzy will be left alone :(

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Bernie had been standing in the middle of his room at his mother’s house, sure that she’d probably kill him the moment she steps foot into the room since he’s made an absolute mess trying to figure out what to wear to the funeral. What do you wear to your best friends…

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Emily wasn’t sure why she was going to the damn funeral. Mainly for Atticus and Naomi had also suggested that she go to give herself closer for the whole thing. She dressed in a simple black dress and pulled her sunglasses on as she drove her and Ellie to the funeral. They were both clearly nervous, Ellie was going for her brother and Bernie, Emily was going for her kids. “C’mon kid, let’s get this over with” kissing her daughter on the cheek they got out of the range rover and walked to the graveside together. Lingering at the back, the twins knew she was there, Ellie shuffled over to Bernie and held his hand. Just being there to support him, if it was up to her she’d be spitting on Tyler’s grave, but she wasn’t here for herself, she was here for the man she loved.

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Alex wasn't sure that the funeral was a good idea, but part of her was drawn to it. She wanted to be strong enough to put the nail in the coffin - excuse the pun - she pulled her leather jacket on, slipping her aviators over her eyes. There was no way she would be welcome there but she had to do it, she had to go and pay her respects, not to Tyler, no fucking way, but to the boys who had lost him, she wanted them to know she understood their sacrifice.

Alex stood on her own, trying to avoid eye contact if possible just going through the motions.

[the-heart-of-a-gay]

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Why Are You My Remedy // Naomilex

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Naomi’s eyes watched Alex’s movements, she could tell that she was getting more nervous. She could read into what Alex’s thoughts were, could see from her face how much she wanted to escape. The flashbacks were things that she knew Atticus had, she knew it was why he zoned out all the time, and it would take forever to get him back. If Alex was anything like Atticus all the symptoms would be there and then the answer would be obvious, she’d have it. “How often do you go back home? You’ve been avoiding those old places, haven’t you… and how’s your mood been? Numb?” She was hunting after what came with PTSD. “One last thing, are you in a panic a lot?” 

She took a drink of her coffee, she’d be able to see it now. She ran a hand through her blonde hair and gave Alex a soft smile. “If you’re feeling numb, avoiding your family, not sleeping well… then I know what your problem is, and I might be able to give you things to fix it.”

Alex sighed again, Naomi had obviously seen this all before. It wasn't that she avoided home, well that's what she told herself, she just didn't have a reason to go back. "I don't go home. I don't need to." Alex and her parents didn't talk, which hurt her but they just reminded each other of what they had lost and they hadn't dealt with Alex's difficult years very well. Numb? Alex felt the opposite of numb. "Doc, I feel everything, my emotions are heightened, they always have been, Kenz says I've got a big heart, which I kinda agree, but it's just hurting me at the moment. My pain, my guilt, everything feels amplified." That was the most truthful Alex had been all session.

Panic, wasn't that the fucking question. "I freak out at loud noises, Kenzi found me on the floor because I dropped a plate."

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@Kenzi

Kenzi: I never went anywhere, Ali.

Alex: I got a new car.... we could, christen it?

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Promotion perks

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@Kenzi

Alex: I went to therapy, can I have my girlfriend back now please?

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Why Are You My Remedy // Naomilex

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Naomi’s blue eyes watched Alex closely, almost as if she could look into the woman’s soul, she was going to break Alex’s walls down if it was the last thing she did,it didn’t matter how hard she had to work at it. There was something deep inside Alex, something that interested Naomi. “These nightmares,” Naomi started, “Did they only start recently or have you been having them since your brother died?” Naomi leaned forward in her office chair,watching Alex closely, watching for every reaction she had. She recognized those dreams, she remember how her and Emily would have to run into Atticus’ room in the middle of the night when he’d have them. “You relive your brother’s death, don’t you Alex? Everytime you close your eyes, you suddenly flashback, and it’s not just his death, it’s getting shot, all the people that you’ve killed… am I right?” She recognized that, she knew what it was like, but that wouldn’t be the end, she needed a little more information to figure out the diagnoses, she just had a few more questions she would have to ask in order to figure it all out. 

Alex's hands started to shake, she knotted her fingers together to try and stop it. She wanted to run, but it was like Naomi's gaze had her pinned into the comfy armchair. Flashbacks, good days and bad days, she had gotten them under control since she started dating Kenzi, until now of course. Her teenage years / twenties were the worst, she was angry and used to look for fights at every chance. The police force had saved Alex, she was grateful to them for that. "I see it all..." her voice came out so quietly she wasn't sure Naomi even heard her. "I thought dealing with Tyler would end it, would be what I needed" Kenzi had been right all along, revenge wasn't going to do anything for her.

Her hands continued to shake and she clenched her fists tighter. She jumped up from the seat and walked over to the windows, staring out. " I need it to stop.... that's why I'm here" her head fell against the cold glass. She wasn't sure what else to say.

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Why Are You My Remedy // Naomilex

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Naomi stirred around her coffee with her teaspoon, Alex was avoiding the real question. It didn’t surprise her, people often deflected in therapy, acting as if they didn’t hear your question, ignoring the tough questions. “I asked if you were having any bad dreams, Miss Turner, and you ignored the question. There’s a reason for that isn’t there?” Naomi watched her closely, looking for any sign of weakness in her. Waiting for her to break. “But if you won’t tell me that, what about your childhood, what was it like? Was there something from your past that made you become a cop?” She continued to poke at things, inching towards the possible diagnoses.

Naomi could see that Alex was going to be one of those difficult patients, she could easily see it in her eyes.If this part wasn’t working Naomi did have more ammunition, ways to get her to break down, and the way to do that is for her to peel down her own walls, share bits of herself to her. 

Alex's heart started to beat faster, her pulse pounding in her ears, there was only so much longer she could avoid talking about everything. She didn't mean to be so resistant to Naomi it was just how she was built. Too many questions, her childhood, the dreams. Fucks sake. "I have nightmares, ok?" she sighed, "Sorry I didn't mean to snap" Alex leaned forward rested her head in her hands. Her nightmares were terrible, they gripped her so deeply and she had lost count of the nights Kenzi had had to wake her up, covered in sweat, not knowing where she was. Revealing that felt like showing her soul, complete vulnerability. "I wake Kenzi up most nights with my dreams, and the guilt is fucking tearing me apart. I see how tired she is, I know she stays in work longer just to get a few hours of unbroken sleep." Alex was breathing heavily but determined not to break down. She was better than that. "I um... Fuck it. Tyler killed my brother when they were younger and that was it. I was dedicating my life bringing scum like him down"

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Why Are You My Remedy // Naomilex

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Alex was starting to feel cornered, it was as if Naomi’s gaze could see straight through her and the whole asking questions was just a pretense. Running a hand through her dark hair she shrugged her shoulders again. “I uhhh… I’m here because Kenzi asked me to be. I love her and I owe her that much at least. She hates my job, we fight about it a lot so if being her calms her down a bit then here I’ll be” Alex nodded, as if reassuring herself as well as Naomi. Did she want more from therapy? What could Naomi understand, there’s one thing being a therapist and understand the science of the brain, “There’s only so much you can learn from a textbook, Doc” Alex on the other hand knew what it was like to kill people, sometimes innocent people, to see light fade from someones eyes as the life drained from their body.

She winced as memories flashed through her mind, from her first kill to her last, all those fucking faces. She was a monster, an absolute monster. Maybe Kenzi was right, maybe her job was barbaric and they were going about things in completely the wrong way.

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Naomi knew how troubling therapy could be, before going to school for it she never went to it herself since her hippie mother pretty much thought that it was pointless and that the only one who could help you was you. Of course that was mum for you. “It seems as if Kenzi is going to want you to be in therapy, and I’m going to keep you here till she gives me the okay.” Naomi watched Alex close, she had very strict instructions from Kenzi and since Kenzi was the one paying her she’d follow what she wanted, besides this obviously could help Alex out. She understood people and she knew that she could help out, “Tell me about your life, Alex, your current life, what you’re doing,all that, also are you having any dreams? Night terrors?” Considering Alex’s job and what happened with the gangs Naomi knew what to look for since she knew what she had experienced with Atticus.

Seeing Alex go through it all was a nightmare, it had been a few years ago, and it still was now. His PTSD threatened to swallow him whole, Naomi was nothing but scared for him and it was obvious that he cared about Alex so she wanted to be able to help the cop. 

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Alex drank more of her coffee, needed the extra encouragement. Why was this talking shit so hard? In her mind it was a sign of weakness. Her life, her current life, wasn't much of a story was it. "I'm off duty, not allowed back to work until I get the all clear. I got a promotion. Umm..." THis was all great but all work related, Naomi would want to hear about the other stuff, the everyday normal person life stuff. "I live with Kenzi, we've been together around 6 months now. I love her. I don't know what else to tell you, Doc. I'm from up north, I moved around depending on where my job takes me."

Alex wouldn't be able to answer any real questions until she was probed further, she didn't know how to just bring things up. She panicked, she didn't want to but as she felt more comfortable around Doc. C, she could feel her resistance starting to wean.

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Why Are You My Remedy // Naomilex

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Naomi knew what she had to do. She always took her job very seriously, and she’d do anything to help Alex, she knew that it may seem like everything was perfect, but it was obvious to the blonde woman that it was far from it. Naomi knew what this was after all she’d seen PTSD grow and fester inside of Atticus since he was fifteen years old, it was nothing new to her. She knew that it may take a few sessions, but she was going to crack Alex’s shell. 

"What do you think you’re going to get from therapy? I know I’m asking a lot of questions, but that’s how it always is the first session. And don’t worry if you don’t know what you think you’ll get from this it’s fine, this is a safe space though and you can talk." She sipped at her coffee that her receptionist had brought. "Do you have any questions for me?" she said glancing over at her, noticing the tattoo on Alex’s arm. It seemed as if there was a story behind it.

Alex was starting to feel cornered, it was as if Naomi's gaze could see straight through her and the whole asking questions was just a pretense. Running a hand through her dark hair she shrugged her shoulders again. "I uhhh... I'm here because Kenzi asked me to be. I love her and I owe her that much at least. She hates my job, we fight about it a lot so if being her calms her down a bit then here I'll be" Alex nodded, as if reassuring herself as well as Naomi. Did she want more from therapy? What could Naomi understand, there's one thing being a therapist and understand the science of the brain, "There's only so much you can learn from a textbook, Doc" Alex on the other hand knew what it was like to kill people, sometimes innocent people, to see light fade from someones eyes as the life drained from their body.

She winced as memories flashed through her mind, from her first kill to her last, all those fucking faces. She was a monster, an absolute monster. Maybe Kenzi was right, maybe her job was barbaric and they were going about things in completely the wrong way.

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Alex resisted the urge to roll her eyes, she didn’t doubt Naomi’s ability as a shrink, she just hated them. She didn’t want people digging around in her head and in her past, but how much longer could she resist for?

"I um… I feel guilty for y’know, what happened, part of me...

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Had Alex healed mentally? She thought that making the arrests would solve everything, she had gotten a promotion, she got the girl, what more could she ask for. Sadly, she was still a broken bird. The nightmares plagued her, she saw Tyler in the street, she saw her brother as well. She was in pieces. Maybe Naomi could actually help. Fuck. It would take a lot for Alex to be able to tell her anything, she wished it wasn't that way.

"Um.... I'm nervous because, y'know... I'm scared of what will happen if we talk about things, if I have to deal with. I kinda just push things outta my head." She took a sip of the coffee she had been given, it was good stuff considering she was in her doctors office. "I like to think I'm healed, Doc... But probably not" she looked down sadly, fingers once again following her tattoo

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Alex shifted uncomfortably in her seat, Naomi’s ball buster approach was probably needed with her. Kenzi thought she needed therapy because Alex woke up screaming 3 nights a week, because loud noises had her cowering behind Kenzi or in worse cases sat on the floor crying. She...

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Alex resisted the urge to roll her eyes, she didn't doubt Naomi's ability as a shrink, she just hated them. She didn't want people digging around in her head and in her past, but how much longer could she resist for?

"I um... I feel guilty for y'know, what happened, part of me was motivated by duty and part by revenge. I guess I didn't exactly expect to get shot, I thought it would be as simple as pulling my gun and making a few arrests" she shrugged trying to seem as casual as possible, sure she had a few battle scars from her time on the force but no bullet wounds. Alex's fingers ran over the visible part of her tattoo sleeve on her forearm, she always did when she was nervous.

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Alex had been parked outside Naomi’s office for 20 minutes, trying to think of an excuse not to go. She drummed her fingers on the steering wheel of her yellow camero, trying to build up the courage. She would have been fine without therapy, she could have been totally ok...

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Alex shifted uncomfortably in her seat, Naomi's ball buster approach was probably needed with her. Kenzi thought she needed therapy because Alex woke up screaming 3 nights a week, because loud noises had her cowering behind Kenzi or in worse cases sat on the floor crying. She wanted to get back to work, to do what she did best, not to sit at home at think about things. Alex sighed, she didn't want to butt heads with Naomi but she had no idea how to drop the walls.

"Kenzi thinks I need your help because I've killed people, because I put people in danger and because I was shot in the chest and her ex fuck buddy saved me" Alex winced, shit Ellie was Naomi's daughter. She hadn't even started on the stuff with Ross. She didn't need therapy. Didn't want it.

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Why Are You My Remedy // Naomilex

Alex had been parked outside Naomi's office for 20 minutes, trying to think of an excuse not to go. She drummed her fingers on the steering wheel of her yellow camero, trying to build up the courage. She would have been fine without therapy, she could have been totally ok without delving into the things that fucked her up the most. When it came down to it, Naomi wasn't going to lie to Kenzi about Alex if she didn't attend. Puffing out her chest she kicked the car door open and headed to Dr.Campbell's practice, she gave the hot receptionist a wink and flirted with as she got directions to Naomi's office. As the office girl let her in, Alex said her thanks and sat on the chair opposite Naomi, great it was a typical therapist office, light colours, comfy chairs. Great. "Hey, Dr. C. Just start the clock so we can get this over with, yeah? We can just talk about the weather."