How I Lived

Graduate student ❁ I/O psychology ❁ Tokyo ❁ I don't know what to remember or what to forget.

[how-i-lived]

April 1, 2021

It snowed this morning. It's the new start for the people I know in Japan. I don't feel much difference here in home.

I have goals to achieve now.

[how-i-lived]

March 20, 2021

Spring equinox.

It was finally a sunny day after 5 days of sandstorm. I haven’t experienced the sand for years though, it wasn’t pleasant.

I talked with my parents about everything about me, how I grew up from kindergarten, how I swallowed down all the tears alone...

My parents are aging, but they are showing more understanding to me, forgiving me for not being a good enough daughter for them to show off.

I’m ordinary and I’m just accepting this all.

So the next step is just about qualification exams and career. I am still scaring it all. Accounting is something that keeps frustrating me. I’m picking up the previous path. I don’t know what I could become in future. So, I take no adventure. 

I’m not socializing with friends. Here in my hometown I have no friends. I only talk to my families. I guess it’s enough. I don’t know when I will find my mate.

Waiting for my degree certificate to arrive...

[how-i-lived]

January 31, 2021

I survived this January. I'm grateful.

Submitting thesis, moving, flight, 3 times of PCR test, thesis defense and the last seminar were done.

I'm still in quarantine. 48 hours to leave Xi'an and head for another 14-day quarantine in my hometown. This whole month was spent on packing suitcases again and again.

It's all too exhausting. Home is so far.

I'm not overcoming my anxiety. I'm becoming even more anxious about future.

Will I ever make a truce with myself?

I'm getting older. It's scary. Too much unfinished. I'll be dealing with the mess I made.

I'm grateful.

[isingtothesky]

An annual review on me.

Today I submitted my thesis. 4 p.m. of Jan 7 2021 was a defining moment.

All my efforts were included in that PDF file. It wasn’t perfect though. I had been revising it for weeks. It’s an independent piece of work of myself.

In the end, the hardest part is Japanese writing. I have been studying Japanese for more than 4 years. I wrote more than 75,000 words of Japanese.

During the writing, I learnt a lot, about myself. I’m progressing on my self-concept.

The subject of my thesis is about learning from error, which was assigned to me in November 2019. The framework was proposed in July 2020. The survey was conducted in November 2020.

The main body starts with “Too err is human”. (Oops! I just found I made a mistake. I did exactly as what I put there. Sounds like a good excuse.)

It didn’t end with “To forgive is devine”.

I thanked every one around me in the dedication.

But my thesis is dedicated to myself. The one who makes stupid mistakes. I’m learning to forgive myself. But am I forgivable for making that mistake in my thesis?

2020 was a long year to me. I had been in constant conflicts with myself. Practicing for emotional regulation to respond to the unexpected changes. I got to know many people with kind hearts who inspired me. I’m grateful. I don’t know what awaits me in the coming days. But I’m believing my beliefs.

I searched for the possibilities in me and gave up on doing a PhD, which I still feel guilt when facing my supervisor. I had several deep conversations with my parents. I don’t know how much they understand me. I’m determined to find someone who understands me. I’m too alone.

I didn’t take much photos in 2020. I really want to see the sun setting on Mount Fuji from my supervisor’s office.

12 days to leave Japan. I haven’t really experienced Tokyo. One day I’ll be traveling here with a different mood. What will I become then?

[how-i-lived]

December 27, 2020

I really wanna go to see the sunset.

[how-i-lived]

December 21, 2020

It's winter solstice.

The universe has its rules. The stars have power on our fates. This December has too many implications. May I have the courage to find my way.

I can't believe it's gonna be the end of the year. I am submitting my thesis draft to my supervisor tomorrow. Maybe I will be revising my thesis on the new year. I somehow lost clues on how to embellish my thesis. I'll do some readings.

I gonna celebrate Christmas and new year on my own. No, it's not celebrating but spending. Nothing special. No one special.

I'm still in continuous anxiety. Out of self-protection.

I shall find the light.

[how-i-lived]

December 12, 2020

Everything in this month is much like the December of 2014, when I was preparing for the graduate school exam, which I failed.

Then I spent 4 years and finally got admitted to the current graduate school.

It was very cold. I was in distress because the exam was too hard for me.

Winter in Tokyo is mild, but still cold. I put on my coat at home. Air conditioner is a waste of money, as long as I can keep myself warm with my clothes.

I started writing my thesis from this October. I still have too much to modify, complete and delete. 26 days left. I am writing it all day long and I am feeling worse about my defense. My supervisor doesn’t render much support. He only told me to cut down the contents that expose weaknesses. I don’t know what should be kept then. Data is too bad for CFA analysis. EFA is meaningless. Sample size is too little. And I’m not collecting data.

Conducting survey research on applied psychology without any social capital or funds, the data can hardly fit the model.

Data analysis is the easiest thing. I have to rewrite the literature review. My proficiency on Japanese is not enough.

Today I bought myself chocolate and biscuits. Snacks are necessary during these bitter days.

My bed will be given away on December 29. I hope it’s not cold sleeping on the floor.

I’m in a rush, to leave Japan.

[how-i-lived]

December 1, 2020

December is my favorite month. There's always something to expect for the new year.

Today I received an offer notification. I have been waiting for it since this summer. I thought my anxiety could be relieved. But somehow I'm still stuck in the uncertainties.

I'm still waiting. I don't know when everything can be settled.

I'm counting down my days in Japan. 50 days.

I don't know what the world shall be like in 50 days. It's my biggest fear. Uncertainty.

I'm grateful.

[how-i-lived]

November 30, 2020

Only one month left for this year. 

What have I been doing in the 11 months?  Most of the time was wasted.

But I’m grateful for all the burden on me.

This morning I woke up late. I had a dream that I was home. Dream is somewhere that keeps me away from thinking about the future in reality.

It’s all my choice. I’m on my own.

[how-i-lived]

November 5, 2020

I try persisting. In this helplessness.

I don’t know how long all of this shall last.

I don’t even need coffee to stay focus. I don’t even need alarm clock to wake up. I’m scared that I may get sick. I haven’t had a “home” since my roommate moved in. The house is somewhere I wanna escape from. I’m putting myself at risks as not staying home. I write my thesis and practice job interviews at school. My job interviews are done at the staircase room in school. Mom said I should overcome it. No, the existence of my roommate just makes me uneasy.

I don’t know if I can submit the draft by tomorrow.

Being in Japan now is a total waste of time. I’m not given online interviews. I’m rejected, again and again.

I finished an interview today. Maybe it’s the last one.

I haven’t received an offer.

I don’t want my efforts to be nothing at all. I don’t wanna waste time on the worthless people and things.

Dad blamed me for my inabilities. I feel like a failure.

He asked me back home. But it’s never easy. All the errands here are annoying. I wish I were given one more month to prepare all the procedures to leave Japan.

When shall better time welcome me?

[how-i-lived]

Oct 31, 2020

Maybe the thing worth having is worth waiting for.

I don’t know what to choose. 

[how-i-lived]

Oct 30, 2020

My emotional state has been a roller coaster.

My only coping strategy is being helpless and waiting everything to be over.

Job seeking, thesis, being unable to return home. I trapped myself in a loop I started.

I don’t know how to regulate my emotion. It just keeps depleting me.

I just hope I’m doing something that counts.

Today I learned that efforts can never be enough when there is no adequate accumulation or talents. I don’t know what I possible possess as my accumulation. No social capital. Maybe its just a stock of negative thoughts.

I’ve been studying at public library and classroom. I’m against all the risks. I can’t even stand up with a single sound my roommate makes.

I don’t know what awaits me in future.

I somehow have something to wait for tomorrow.

[how-i-lived]

Oct 23, 2020

I've been working on my thesis. I sent out my questionnaire to my friends. Only 101 has been received by far. I also chatted with some friends I haven't contacted for years. I'm not good at maintaining relationships with others. Somehow it's so hard to send a short message to someone I've known for years. Somehow I was helped by some strangers.

I may not collect the data to support my hypotheses. As I may not find adequate theories or studies.

It's frustrating.

But my thesis should be dedicated to myself only.

With all the things I cannot control, focus on the controllable actions to minimize the negative consequence.

With all the things in me, be determined and have faith to over the difficulties.

With all the negative emotional events, restrict attention and resource on the task, stop consuming myself on the worthless stuffs.

I have been avoiding conflicts with others, even I suffer. Why do I never have the courage to start a fight and voice my hatred?

[how-i-lived]

September 30, 2020

September ends. No one woke me up.

My last summer holiday came to an end. I watched TV dramas, met some friends, ate some foods, searched for jobs, wrote my thesis...

Still anxious. But somehow, I lost my focus. I can't tell whether I should prioritize on looking for jobs or writing my thesis...

Why am I always this exhausted without getting anything?

Where did I do wrong?

Am I really asking for too much beyond my capabilities?

I'm never a happy person.

I'm sick. My soul is sick. I tried.

I'll try harder.

[how-i-lived]

September 23, 2020

I told my supervisor that I gave up the PhD program. It’s been 3 months since the last time he asked me. He said he understood and would support me for my decision.

When I decided to go for a PhD, I began to fear everything I could imagine. I always know I’m not good at battling myself.

Now, I am on a different path. Without plan B.

I’m not relieved.

From the very start, PhD was never the first choice. How could I be fully devoted?

This September, I’ve been waiting painfully. The worst mental exhaustion ever.

[how-i-lived]

September 19, 2020

I'm still waiting.

Fearing.

[how-i-lived]

September 15, 2020

I haven't love anyone for a while.

I had a bitter dream where I met someone. He was quiet, clean and tall. He never said a word. I felt lonely when he wasn't with me.

I will meet someone someday.