Okay, so I’m just gonna pour my thoughts out.
I’m 26 years old. Never been in a relationship. Like, NEVER. Never been on a date. Never been asked. Just nothing.
For the longest time, I had this “head knowledge” that I HAD to be in a relationship and that it would, in some way, put all my ducks in a row. That somehow, having a man would put my dreams of having a family and being happy in alignment.
As I get older, however, I start to realize this couldn’t be farther from the truth.
In the eyes of others, I may seem like a late bloomer with lots of things. I’m still in college (I moved around a lot until I finally settled into where I am and have my heart set one a sole area of study), I’m still single, I still don’t have my driver’s license (even though I have my permit smh lol), I still need a lot of help from others just to stay afloat with food or money even though I have a job, etc etc etc. If I had stayed in the Dominican Republic instead of moving back to the US all those years ago, I may have fully been consumed in this idea that I was gonna spend the rest of my life alone and miserable. Dominican culture, specifically Dominican Christian culture, finds it totally normal to marry as early as 20 and pop kids out like Pringles left and right. Domesticity for a women is the norm. And for these women, it’s empowering and you know what? More power to em. I thought that’s what I wanted for me, too. I thought I just wanted to find a wholesome man of God, get married, graduate college (or sometimes vice versa), have babies, and live a simple life.
Now don’t get me wrong, I still want all that. I still want a loving husband and children. I want a family of my own to love and care for. But I also have others dreams. I want to go back to Korea and see what God has planned for me out there. I have this thing where I get a strange sense of excitement from blessings that are unknown to me. Like I believe with my whole heart that after I get my degree, I will return to South Korea. I feel like I have a purpose out there. My dream is bigger than me and I don’t fully know what it is yet but the excitement of it makes me motivates me to immerse myself in the wait.
My mind, my spirit, and my soul need a great deal of fine tuning and I feel like that is a journey between me and God. To add another person into that equation wouldn’t be fair to them, me, or my process.
I want the romance of the right man but at the right time. My age is not indicative of when this will come because God is always on time. Until then, I choose to live in my moment. A moment of growth. A moment of fine tuning patience. A moment of “let me finally live for me.” A moment, to quote my favorite K-Pop group, to LOVE MYSELF.
Because happiness has to start with me. And I believe that honing patience births happiness. Be grateful for you now because your then will thank you for it.
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