Tue.Jan.6.2026
Happy New Year. And the story repeats itself. From the beginning of the start to the end. It was reliving the same story over and over again.
And the definition of insanity is to repeat the same thing hoping for a different outcome. I repeat the same things over and over and over again... l am not having validation.. putting it in men. The story changes here.
Something different needs to happen..
and entangled in the web of confusion. I want you by my side God. How do i do it? I am starting small going to pickle ball with Rachels Harvest friends.. let's see how it goes.
I have a lot to vent but i have vented so much that i am almost exhausted.. yet revisiting the feeling gives me something to hold on to...
I wish I could slap my own face into reality. I know it i just don't feel it.
He did not consider me. He did not care. He lied. He is hot and cold.
Nothing he said ever matched his words.
I broke up with him.. January 5.. yesterday morning after dropping him off at work. Like clock work every month we break up.
Isn't this grosss.. yet I came back all those times. This time he is deleted and blocked..
I wonder how he feels. I wonder how i will feel... when it slowly hits later on..
I still get the feeling that i shouldn't. The feeling he will somehow reach out. Why is something so simple he couldn't even give me. I think I need to start surrounding myself with better people. I need to start getting my life together. Starting tomorrow or Thursday. I will unravel in a tornado of things. 2026. I will make sure this is a different year. I knew there was something wrong for a few weeks. The way his mom has suddenly changed.. suddenly not liked me. I wondered why. I wonder what he said i wonder what he knew.
Honestly, i think he traps me in his own cycle of trauma. Needing someone to be close and physical for the sake of his comfort. But never really being their partner. I don't know how he has even had relationships to be honest. He barely last a month. Is it me? Am i boring? I need to rebuild my life from the ground up. Start over. fresh. with a new mindset a clean heart and with GOD by my side. Surprisingly I am doing pretty good for how I am even though i have nothing changed.. So let me tell you How i broke up with him.. and why..
That morning he was playing video games like he usually does and he was talking to his friend on the phone.. and something told me to ask him for his phone.. I have never done that before with any boyfriend. or him. It was a first. and he passed it to me but he locked it. And i asked why did he do it and he ignored me and said "what the frick" which is usually followed by a lie. Every time he knew I was right.. In just a short bit I asked him to talk and then he said he needed to take a shit to which he brought his phone inside which only meant he had time to delete things. I don't know if he did. Fast forward he offers to let me see his phone and he was weird about it cause obviously he didn't want to. I am not so sure he was scared. When he said you wanted to talk I almost broke into tears so i just kept silent as I looked up into this eyes and he mirrored my eyes... We just talked when he finally got to his work and I was about to drop him off. I finally said I just want you to be honest with me. Is there something you don't want me to see. And he opens his phone and shows me theres this girl he was talking to from 15 years ago a friend. Even though he always said he doesn't have girl friends when he has a girl friend and that nobody is a friend to him basically because of his standard.. and he said they're catching up and that she has a boyfriend. who knows maybe he likes the chase.. it's odd these women aren't even in the country. He gives relationship energy into these random women who who knows maybe he dated. Maybe he lied about the story maybe he didn't. Maybe they met at work? I don't know or someone from his games. He scrolls up very quickly and i see a kissy face to cheek emoji to which he says is just a sticker doesn't mean anything. And that if i did that he wouldn't care and it doesn't mean anything. And he tells me she has a boyfriend. And i said but did you tell her that you have a girlfriend? Because if you were catching up of course you would have mentioned that. I saw long long messages and audio messages and obviously he cared about her attention. I asked him can you show me where you told her you have a girlfriend. and he couldn't because he said he didn't have to prove anything.
and i said of course you can't prove it because you didn't and
he said if i don't believe him then there's nothing he can do.
And i said then this is over.. and that was history. I feel bad every time i think about how many messages and effort I saw when he was scrolling showing me. All that effort i never got... I feel so worthless.
I feel like i have no self-esteem
Dear God, Give me the best the most the loving self esteem.
Give me an attractive amazing personality.
give me love and kindess and friends
give me a circle where I really glow. Where i can see wow! I love myself. I love how i am who i am how i look how i feel How i act.
I want to have and be magnetic...
I pray for your miracle. And every day will change and everyday I will grow.
