Huggies for Holly

Battling Stage 2B, Triple Negative Breast Cancer as a New Mom

[huggiesforholly]

Chemo: Round One, Two & Three, Cycle Four - Fight!

"If your platelets cooperate, we'll throw you a pretty, pretty princess party at the end of this!"

By now I knew the drill. Get in my chair so the nurse could access my port, wait for the blood work to come back while I talk with the doctor and then *hopefully* get started with the pre-meds and chemotherapy drugs after that. But after having three weeks in a row where my blood counts were too low to get treatment, I couldn't assume any cycle of meds on any particular week was a given anymore. Someone had told me along the way that the doctor's lay out an initial treatment plan but they know going forward that the plan will likely change or need adjusting. The patient (me) doesn't want to hear that but rarely does someone get through all of chemotherapy without having a delay or needing an adjustment in meds at some point. I guess that meant the chemo was doing its job but I was still frustrated.

On the bright side, despite the multiple delays, my counts were never low enough that I had to get a blood transfusion. I did end up having to skip one round in the previous cycle so my body could recover, which prompted a few things: My primary nurse said that they would throw me a pretty, pretty princess party if I could get my platelets to cooperate. I realize that it was a tongue-in-cheek statement and she knows I have no real control over that but it lifted my spirits,  which I'm sure was the intention. And this also inspired what I like to call "the platelet shimmy". It was just a silly dance move I made to 'shake up my platelets'. But the week I started doing that was the week that I got back on track with chemo so I kept doing it every week and it became a thing. I wouldn't miss another round from there on. So I kept on shimmying.

That week that I got back on track, my oncologist decided to try something different. My blood counts were still low but they weren't low enough that I couldn't get chemo. Instead of giving me the full dose of medications and potentially plummeting my counts further, my oncologist decided to try giving me 75% of the doses. My body responded okay to the lowered dose after a week so I was given 75% of the dose each round after that and I was able to finish up this last cycle without any more interruptions. And, to my surprise, my nurse kept her word and I got my pretty, pretty princess party on my last day of this particular regimen of chemotherapy!

I know the nurses there make every effort to make a very crappy situation more tolerable for people but I feel like this particular nurse went above and beyond for me. I felt like I had a special connection with her right away but I didn't expect her to actually throw me a party. When I walked over to "my chair" that day, she opened the curtain and revealed a tray of bundt cakes and ring pops, a crown and a balloon on the back of my chair! It was so sweet and I'm truly grateful to her and the entire staff there for being so wonderful to me. I was even promised two more parties - one at the end of the next round of chemo (AC) and one when I'm done with everything (completing the immunotherapy next March)! I'm not going to hold them to it but I have a feeling future celebrations will be in order. Especially considering the next round of chemo drugs is referred to as "the red devil".

[huggiesforholly]

Battle Song

"You're a warrior!" I listen to a lot of music: in the car, at work, when we're outside hanging out by our pool, sometimes during meals, and now at chemo. I have really missed live music the last two years but with being pregnant last year and going through cancer treatments this year, I feel like I've been immune compromised for the entire Covid pandemic so no concerts or large crowds for me. I'll have to stick with Pandora, iHeartRadio, and Amazon Music for now.

There are so many songs out there that are therapeutic, inspiring, and have special meaning to people. While I was pregnant with Hailey, there were songs I'd listen to that made me think of all the struggles we had trying to conceive, the joy we had anticipating her arrival, and then the moments that we would get to share with her. Now that I have been going through another difficult time in my life, I've turned to music for both comfort and an escape. Many friends and family members have constantly told me how strong I am and have used the term "warrrior" throughout my battle with breast cancer. While I truly appreciate those words of encouragement, it wasn't until a song actually called Warrior came on my Pandora today that really got me "in all the feels". If there were ever a song that could represent these last several months for me, it was this one. And it doesn't hurt that it's sung by one of my long time girl crushes (haha): Avril Lavigne. Here are the lyrics and a link to the song. Give it a listen!

I'll pick my battles 'cause I know I'm gonna win the war (Win the war)

I'm not rattled 'cause I shattered all of this before (This before)

Steadier than steel 'cause I'm ready with my shield and sword (Shield and sword)

Back on the saddle 'cause I gathered all my strength for more (Strength for more)

And I won't bow, I won't break. No, I'm not afraid to do whatever it takes. I'll never bow, I'll never break.

'Cause I'm a warrior, I fight for my life.

Like a soldier all through the night.

And I won't give up, I will survive, I'm a warrior.

And I'm stronger, that's why I'm alive.

I will conquer, time after time.

I'll never falter, I will survive, I'm a warrior

Like a viking, I'll be fighting through the day and nights (Day and nights)

I'll be marching through the darkness 'til the morning lights (Morning lights)

Even when it's harder, like the armor you will see me shine (See me shine)

No, I won't stop and I won't drop until the victory's mine (Oh)

'Cause I'm a warrior, I fight for my life.

Like a soldier all through the night.

And I won't give up, I will survive, I'm a warrior.

And I'm stronger, that's why I'm alive.

I will conquer, time after time.

I'll never falter, I will survive, I'm a warrior, oh

Oh, you can't shoot me down.

You can't stop me now.

I got a whole damn army.

Oh, they try to break me down.

They try to take me out.

You can't cut a scar on me

I'm a warrior, I'll fight for my life.

Like a soldier all through the night.

And I won't give up, I will survive, I'm a warrior.

And I'm stronger, that's why I'm alive (I am stronger)

I will conquer, time after time (I will conquer)

I'll never falter, I will survive (I'll never falter)

I'm a warrior, oh (I'm a warrior)

[huggiesforholly]

The Great (Not So Great) Baby Formula Shortage of 2022

"Why don't you just breastfeed?" Just when I thought that there wasn't anymore stress that I could handle something else came up to worry about. For the past several months we kept seeing stories on the news that there was a baby formula shortage in the U.S. but when we went into stores, the shelves were somewhat picked over but it didn't seem that bad. We didn't go crazy over-buying but we would grab an extra container of formula here and there when we could. Then it seemed liked all of the stores shelves were suddenly completely bare overnight. Our stock pile was enough to get us through for maybe a month but with no end to the shortage in sight and with Hailey needing to be on formula for several more months, we couldn't help but be a little worried about where we would get our next container from. Enter our incredible friends and family!

I feel like I can never thank everyone enough. I've been completely blown away by the generosity of people throughout my entire unfortunate situation. I've received care packages, visitors with offers to help cook, clean and take care of Hailey, gift cards so we don't have to worry about cooking and many text messages with well wishes. So it shouldn't come as a surprise that when the formula shortage was at its peak, we had multiple offers from friends and family willing to look all over for the formula we needed and send it to us. From Buffalo to Syracuse to Ontario Canada, we were gifted with several containers of formula. No matter the size or amount that we got, we couldn't be more grateful to have so many amazing people in our lives that truly care about us and will do anything to help us with whatever we may need. I would never want anyone to go through what I'm going through but I do hope that some day I'll be able to pay it forward somehow.

On a separate note, I do have more to say about this formula shortage. I try not to post anything political or controversial at all on my social media accounts. And I try to keep complaining to a minimum both online and in real life. No one likes to be around someone who is constantly whining (myself included) and oftentimes it's not worth the time or energy to argue with someone if they won't meet you halfway. Social media can be good to stay connected with people that you don't get to see much but, lately, it also can be draining. It seems like for every post I read, there are so many negative comments that follow. And I definitely don't need additional negativity in my life right now. But some of the comments that I read on stories about the formula shortage were hard to ignore. One of the worst of it being *multiple times* the ignorant comment: "why don't you just breastfeed?" That hit a nerve with me. I didn't initially have a plan on how long I would breastfeed for but I feel like if it weren't for my breast cancer diagnosis, I would currently still be nursing Hailey. So obviously it wasn't my choice to stop breastfeeding and we had to transition to formula by necessity. But there are many reasons why people can't 'just breastfeed'. Some people can't produce enough milk to feed their baby, some babies have latch issues, LGBTQ and other couples have babies through adoption or surrogacy, for some people it's a personal choice or preference for one reason or another, and some people (like me) have breast cancer or other health issues that prevent them from being able to breastfeed. Also, while it's not impossible, it's not exactly easy to just start breastfeeding again once you have stopped or to start it if you never did it in the first place. So I just want to say before passing judgement on others, people should learn the entire story first. And if it's a topic one doesn't have experience in, maybe it wouldn't hurt to educate yourself before making uninformed, rude comments. We could all benefit from a little more compassion and understanding these days. And if people took a bit more time to help eachother instead of hurt eachother, maybe we wouldn't be in some of the predicaments and hardships that the world is currently in.

[huggiesforholly]

Chemo: Round One, Two & Three, Cycle Three - Fight!

"You're going to be in chair one today." I'm very much a creature of habit. I've realized over the years that having a routine helps me manage my anxiety. I try to "go with the flow" as much as possible but I much prefer knowing what's coming and what to expect. I'm weirdly superstitious in some ways as well. I like to finish pumping gas on or set the alarm on my phone to even numbers, I always have to wear orange on Syracuse game days... things like that. So I'm always in chair number four on my chemotherapy days. On my very first day of treatment I was asked which chair I would like to sit in and I chose chair four since it was the farthest away from everything and everyone (I didn't want to be in the middle of all the action and commotion). It was also the closest chair to the bathroom so with the amount of fluid the nurses put in your body, proximity was important! Chair four became 'my chair' and I was in that chair for every chemo session until day one of cycle three.

Despite the change of scenery, the beginning of that new cycle was rather uneventful which I suppose was a good thing. But I still felt like I lost some of my mojo. The days following the start of the new cycle tend to be a little rough. I'm usually very tired and my appetite is off. This time around I wasn't feeling too bad and I was even able to go to an outdoor family birthday party two days after chemo. I was now over half done with this regimen of medications and I had June 2nd circled on the calendar as the last date of this grueling stretch of twelve straight weeks of chemotherapy. Week number eight (where I just got the one drug: Taxol) went off without a hitch and I was back in chair four. I started to think that maybe changing up which chair I sat in the week before wasn't a bad omen after all. But I would be mistaken.

Because my white blood cells took such a hit between days eight and fifteen of the previous cycle (weeks two and three), I was given shots of Granix to help boost that count this time around. If the white blood cell count gets too low chemo won't be given. Granix is administered in my arm at the oncologist office once a day for three days. On day 15 of this cycle my white blood cell count went up a lot with the help of those shots but my platelets plummeted. They re-tested my blood because they were confused how they went down so much in a week and thought there might have been a lab error. Unfortunately the number came back again about the same. They dropped so much that my oncologist didn't feel like it was safe for me to get chemotherapy that day. If the number is under 100, the risk for infection and internal bleeding increases and my number was 92. In previous weeks that platelet number was close to 100 a few times but I still got chemo. This time my oncologist was concerned that they would drop further with treatment and he wanted to make sure I could get my last round of the three medications that next Thursday. So we would skip this round and I would get a much needed week off.

The next Thursday rolled around and I went through the long process of getting my port accessed, getting my vitals taken and the long wait in the room for my blood work to come back. Once again, my platelets were under 100 so I couldn't get chemo. The plan was to get my blood drawn on Monday afternoon in hopes that the platelets would recover enough that I could get chemo on Tuesday. I was not pleased about this. As much as I wanted to get back to treatments after two weeks off, I didn't want to change our whole schedule all around. I work Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday and Eric always closes on Thursdays so I can come home to nap after chemo and his parents watch Hailey. And having chemo on Thursdays allowed me to take Fridays off for a long weekend in order to recover and be ready for work on Monday. I didn't have to worry about all this for long because a few hours after getting my blood drawn, my nurse at the oncologist office called to inform me that my platelet count had dropped yet again. So I would go in on my normal Thursday and we would hope for the best.

Those. Pesky. Platelets. Three days later, I sat in 'my chair' ready to go but once again was told that my platelets weren't high enough to get chemo. They had finally gone up a little but not enough. Since they went up on their own, I wasn't given the steroid that was previously discussed. The oncologist and nurses were optimistic that my body was on the right path toward recovery and that I would need just one more week to get those blood count numbers back to where they needed to be. Apparently the platelets are typically the last number to come up after treatments. So it continued to be a waiting game. I was okay with having one week off but once it became two weeks and then three weeks in a row, I couldn't help but think the worst. How much longer were my treatments going to get delayed? What bad effects was this going to have on my prognosis? Is the cancer spreading throughout my body now that I've stopped chemotherapy for almost a month? I was feeling very frustrated, discouraged and disappointed at this point. The anxiety of not getting treatment became worse than the anxiety of having cancer. At least when I was getting chemo, I felt like something was being done about the cancer. I felt like I had more control over the situation. Not being able to do anything but wait and wonder made my mind wander. All of the what ifs from when I was getting all of the initial testing done right after my diagnosis crept back up to the surface. What if treatment doesn't work? What if my body can't handle the treatment and I just get sicker? I was now facing a month since my last chemo session and I know that it had absolutely nothing to do with it, but I couldn't help thinking that if didn't get stuck in chair one at the beginning of this cycle, I would be well on my way to my last cycle of meds right now. Don't mess with my routine.

[huggiesforholly]

Chemo: Round One, Two & Three, Cycle Two - Fight!

"Well at least you know it's working." After how I felt the days following that first round of the first cycle of chemo I decided that I/ we needed some of the help that kept getting offered to us once I started that next cycle. I was lucky enough to have a friend stay with us the day of and the weekend after that first chemo session and having that additional support was so invaluable and very much appreciated. So I made sure to line up another visit from friends for that weekend after the start of the second cycle to keep me company and to help me with Hailey while Eric was at work. The Beatles were certainly right when they sang "I get by with a little help from my friends". Without everything our friends and family have done for us, I don't know how we would be getting by these last couple of months.

Just when I thought I knew what to expect on chemo days, something changes. I don't know if it was nerves or what but that second dose of Keytruda was not great for me. A couple minutes after the Keytruda was administered I felt a little flushed, jittery, dizzy and nauseous. That feeling only lasted a few minutes and didn't come back thankfully but it was quite unpleasant. The rest of that chemo session was long but it went smoothly. And knowing I had 4 out of 12 rounds done made me feel a little better. It was still an extensive journey ahead but I was getting there. Unfortunately, it would not be without some harsh consequences though.

The chemo fatigue has hit me. Fatigue hit me hard while I was pregnant. It definitely hit me even harder after Hailey was born. When I contracted Covid in January and for weeks after, the exhaustion was the symptom that I struggled with the most. But none of that compares to chemo fatigue. Combine that with the tiredness that comes with being a new mom and it's brutal. It took about a month of treatments before I really started to notice many side effects but then they all seemed to creep up on me at once. Hair loss was an issue that I was dreading ever since the word 'chemotherapy' was first uttered. I was really hoping I would be spared and during the first few weeks of chemo, my hair seemed to be hanging in there pretty good. By the fourth week, however, I noticed a lot of thinning. My hair wasn't coming out in large clumps but every time I ran my fingers through it, it seemed like tons of strands would fall out. After I shampooed, my fingers would be left with so much hair tangled in them and our drain kept clogging. I wasn't ready to take the plunge and shave my head yet so I started looking at short haircuts. I'm not a fan of short hair on me, I never put my hair up, and my hair is like my safety net. I'm naturally a shy person so I kind of hide behind my hair. Twirling my hair is also one of the habits that I've had for years and is one way I cope with my anxiety. So the thought of not having anything up there is really scary. Yes, it grows back. Yes, I can get a wig or scarves/ beanies/ bandanas to wear. Yes, it will be a lot cooler in the summer without all that hair. But it's still a very hard pill to swallow. I'm hopeful that by cutting it gradually it won't be as drastic of a transition and I can ease myself into losing my hair.

By the fifth and sixth rounds of chemotherapy, not only was the fatigue and hair thinning becoming more of a problem but there were other signs that the medications were taking a toll on my body. Before getting chemo every week, the nurses draw my blood and run a full panel to check how my red and white blood cells, platelets, etc. are responding to treatment. If any of these numbers come back too low, I can't get chemo that day because I would be at a higher risk for infection and it would cause those counts to drop even lower. They obviously want to treat the cancer but not make me sicker in the process. Both my platelets and my white blood cells were taking a hit in the weeks after that three medication week but thankfully they weren't low enough that they didn't skip a week of chemo. My white blood cell count was low enough between rounds two and three of this second cycle that my oncologist decided that I needed to get shots to raise it before the start of the next new cycle. My chemo days are Thursday's so I went Friday, Monday and Tuesday to get a shot in my arm called Granix. This shot worked wonders and rose my count from 2.3 to 6.3! I did have to be extra careful not to hurt myself with my platelet count being so low and to avoid going into any crowded areas or being around anyone outside of my immediate family with my white blood cell count being so low. With Covid still running rampant and all sorts of other bugs going around after the mask mandate was lifted, it has been a challenge trying to stay healthy. I just have to be patient and remind myself that I'm going through this now and it sucks but it won't be like this forever. Much like these side effects. As Eric and one of our friends said, "Well at least you know it's working."

[huggiesforholly]

Second Opinion: Take Two

"The doctor wants to do a mammogram" It hadn't even been a month since we last went to Dana Farber in Boston and we were back again. And it hadn't even been two months since I last had a mammogram and I had to get another one. I had never had a mammogram before this year so I thought after getting one, I'd be good for a while. That assumption was clearly wrong.

For me, going to any doctor is nerve racking. Even if I've seen that particular doctor many times before. There's a condition called health anxiety and I definitely suffer from that. But more on that later. Going to a doctor in a big city is even more overwhelming. There's the drive and traffic to deal with to get there on time, the parking situation to figure out, finding the correct place to check in and which floor you're supposed to go to, and then the waiting. It's a lot to handle before even seeing the doctor. Our second time going to Dana Farber went smoother than the first since we knew a little more of what to expect but I didn't anticipate additional testing to be done.

We met with a very nice surgeon to discuss what they recommend as the best options for when it comes time for me to get surgery. They suggested that we have this consult sooner rather than later after starting chemotherapy so we would have plenty of time to figure out our plan. It's always reassuring to have another professional set of eyes look at imaging and your body. She did a breast exam to confirm the size and location of the tumor and also checked the lymph node area of concern. Then we went over my medical history for the umpteenth time and all of my imaging. After that, my surgery options were laid out followed by lots and lots of questions from us.

We had thought that my choices were either a lumpectomy or a mastectomy. Lumpectomy would only remove part of the breast while a mastectomy would remove the entire breast. For my type of cancer, either option had about the same chance (slim) of recurrence. It turns out that with the size and location of my tumor, a lumpectomy was pretty much off the table. So now my choices were now mastectomy or a double mastectomy. Again, either option had about the same chance of recurrence and recovery would be the same. This is where all the questions came in. Thinking ahead if we ever wanted to have another baby, would I be able to breastfeed? If I got a mastectomy, I would only be able to breastfeed on the one side and with a double mastectomy I wouldn't be able to at all. Would I have any sensation or feeling in my breast after the surgery once implants were placed? The answer was no. So I could keep one breast so I could still have feeling and breastfeed again if we had another baby or if I could have a new set of breasts that would be even and perky for life. Or I could just remain a "flatty" (not get breast implants). The surgeon said that because I had breast cancer, any subsequent surgeries on that area that were needed to lift or adjust any lopsidedness throughout my life would be approved by insurance. And then there was the topic of nipple sparing. A nipple-sparing mastectomy leaves in place most of the healthy breast skin, the nipple and the areola. Only the tissue contained within the envelope of skin around the breast is removed. In order to have this operation, your cancer must not be in the nipple or tissue just underneath the nipple so I'm not sure if I'd be a candidate for that. It would basically preserve the nipple for reconstructive double mastectomy. All of these choices to consider! It's a good thing we did have so much time to think about it. Then there was the decision of where to have the surgery done- locally or at Dana Farber. Because of the amount of times we'd have to go back for check-ups and having a baby to take care of, we're leaning toward just having the operation done locally. But again, we have plenty of time to figure that out.

The surgeon wanted an additional ultrasound done on my armpit where the affected lymph nodes are. The MRI that I previously had done showed the breast but only a part of the armpit so she wanted to see more of that. During my biopsy, small metal clips (tissue markers) were put in to mark the exact site of the biopsy so that a doctor can find it again easily if they need to. I had three clips put in: two in the breast and one in the armpit. Apparently there are different types of clips and some are easier to see than others. The surgeon was concerned that I had the type of clips that were harder to see so she wanted to do the ultrasound as well to determine if they would need to put another clip in. This was important to do since I am getting chemotherapy before surgery to shrink the cancer and the clips are placed so that the cancer can still be found and removed at the operation. Thankfully they were able to get us into imaging right away so we wouldn't have to take another trip to Boston so soon.

I figured once we found the floor and location to get the ultrasound, it would be a quick process. Wrong again. But I was happy to get it done that same day so the waiting was worth it. It took quite a while once I got changed into my 'ball gown' to be called back into a room and because of Covid guidelines, I had to wait by myself. I locked my phone with all my other belongings in a locker, of course, so I couldn't update Eric and I was beyond fidgety. When I finally got into a room and was propped up into the correct position, I was still left waiting for the action to happen. After what seemed like an eternity, the nurse came in and said the doctor wanted to do a mammogram first to get a better look at those clips. This was of concern for me because I've been trying to dry up my milk supply and I hadn't pumped in quite a while at that point so I was feeling pretty full. I did bring my pump but it was in the car and it would have taken me quite a while to go there to get it. The nurse decided that I didn't need to pump in order for them to get the imaging that they needed so I proceeded to the mammogram room. Not only were the angles that they needed to get very uncomfortable but the whole experience was extremely awkward. With every x-ray that was taken, milk squirted all over the floor and the mammogram machine. The nurse made me feel better by telling me funny breastfeeding stories and then said "at least it wasn't blood that came out". I guess that can happen?! Anyways... once the mammogram was done I went back to the other room to get my ultrasound done finally. Once the ultrasound was over, I had to wait again for the surgeon we met with to look at the imaging. Much to my relief, the clips that were placed in me were the kind that they were hoping for (easier ones to see/ find) and they determined that they didn't need to put anymore in. Their findings pretty much matched what my local breast care center had found. Even though it took longer than I would have liked and the lack of updates worried Eric, I'm glad that the doctors were so thorough. Now the ball was in our court as to what I wanted to do in terms of type of surgery and what location I wanted to have the surgery done at. Decisions, decisions.

[huggiesforholly]

Chemo: Rounds Two & Three, Cycle One - Fight!

"You can't come in without Hailey now." By the third week of chemo, I started to know what to expect. My port would get accessed (they didn't prick it in the right spot again the second week but finally on the third week they got it on the first try so third time's a charm I guess!), I would get blood drawn and meet with the oncologist while we waited for the blood work results to come back to make sure everything looked okay to get treatment that day, and then I would get situated in the infusion room with the pre-meds, wait a half hour for those to kick in and then *finally* begin the chemotherapy medication(s). It was quite the process! From start to finish, I'm there for at least three hours but usually closer to four. Despite knowing more of what would happen and how long I would be there, it didn't make it any less difficult not having anyone in the infusion room with me. I understand because of Covid that limiting the amount of people to prevent the spread of illnesses is important, especially with patient's weakened immune systems, but the loneliness can be hard to handle. Just to have someone to sit with you to talk to or to flag down a nurse if you need something would be nice. That's not to say that the nurses there are not kind or attentive. On the contrary, I have nothing but good things to say about all of the nurses and understand that they can't be with you the entire time. The only consolation is that I can have someone come in with me to talk with the oncologist before treatment. That is very helpful to have another set of ears to remember everything that's being discussed and someone else there to ask questions. It also gives me a needed few more minutes to spend with Eric and Hailey. And speaking of Hailey, she is a big hit at the office and a great mood boost for everyone. I was told that I can't come in without her now to which I have no objection.

While I'm talking about Hailey, between weeks two and three of chemo we celebrated her turning six months old! Everyone always says how quickly babies/ kids grow up but I don't think I fully realized that until we had Hailey. I've noticed it with my nieces and nephews to a certain extent but we don't see them that often so naturally each time we get together they change. But seeing Hailey every day and watching her grow right in front of our eyes has been crazy. I don't understand where the time has gone! We had the same friend who took our maternity and Christmas pictures take some six month photos along with a few of us in breast cancer shirts. I don't know if it was because of the circumstances (we wanted to have some nice family photos taken before *if* I started to lose my hair) but I think these pictures of us were her best yet! So I just wanted to give a special shout-out to her for doing a beautiful job of capturing my family during a difficult time in our lives. And before I return to chemo talk, I'm happy to report that Hailey has made the adjustment from breast milk to formula rather smoothly and she is now sleeping overnights in her own room in her crib. She recently had her appointment at the pediatrician and she's very healthy and can start to eat solid foods. I'm so happy to have her to keep me busy and to have constant, exciting moments to look forward to!

Besides only getting one medication (Taxol) as opposed to the three, the best part of rounds two and three of this cycle of meds was that the oncologist switched me to Benadryl pills instead of the IV. Even though it still made me tired, the overall effects were not nearly as harsh as that first week of chemo. Thankfully neither were the side effects in the days following treatment. I still had some stomach cramping, appetite issues, and fatigue but it was manageable. It was the dread of starting a new cycle in a few weeks that was bothering me more. But at least I had the distraction of another trip to Dana Farber to fill my time. As long of a day as it makes going to Boston and the reason for going isn't fun, it's nice to be able to spend some time with Eric. We don't get a lot of time together just the two of us anymore so a long car ride where we can just talk and be with eachother is enjoyable. More on that trip in the next post.

[huggiesforholly]

Chemo: Round One, Cycle One - Fight!

" Benadryl is not your friend." Being in a Benadryl fog is not how I envisioned celebrating St. Patty's day. My first day of chemotherapy fell on St. Patrick's day as well as the first day of March Madness. Anyone who has met me knows that I'm obsessed with college basketball and my team is Syracuse. They had a tough season and didn't make any post season tournament so between that and everything that I was dealing with personally, I just wasn't as invested as I usually am. But I still wanted to take part in my annual tradition. I needed something familiar in my life. I figured filling out some brackets during my treatment would serve as a good distraction. I had to get them done and submitted online before noon when the games would start but since I had to be there at 8:30 I had plenty of time. Then the Benadryl hit me like a ton of bricks.

It was already an anxiety filled, emotionally charged day. The nerves of having to go alone (the office doesn't allow visitors due to Covid) to my first ever chemotherapy session not knowing what to expect or how I'd feel during it was accompanied with knowing that it was my last day of breastfeeding Hailey. I knew that day was coming but the finality of it was still difficult to grasp. Me knowing that morning would be our last time sharing that bond and Hailey having no idea that it was her last time was a harsh reality. A lot of moms don't know when their last time breastfeeding will be. It just happens one day either by their choice or the child's choice. I'm not sure if knowing or not knowing when that last day will be is harder. I had been slowly weaning her off and giving her more bottles for several weeks leading up to this day but I still wasn't prepared for it. I had done all the tests and had all the consults but this really was the first moment that having breast cancer felt real to me. Up until that moment I was just kind of going through the motions and it was all talk but this forced me to really accept my diagnosis. Something was getting taken away from me because of the cancer. Something that was very personal and that I may never get to experience again. And on top of that, I have the cruel daily reminder (for a while) that I'm still lactating, have to pump and then dump it down the drain. The only consolation was that it was also the day that I was finally getting something done about it: my first day of treatment.

I received my immunotherapy dose of Keytruda first. Accessing my port in order to begin was less than pleasant. I bruise easily and have sensitive skin so the port and the surrounding area were very tender even after a week of healing. I was told not to use the Lidocaine that was prescribed to me for two weeks following my port installation. I'm not sure how much the Lidocaine would have helped as I was initially pricked in the wrong spot. A warm pain shooted in the port area and into my neck. Thankfully the pain didn't last long and the second attempt was a success. The dose of Keytruda was a piece of cake after that. Then came the pre-meds which I didn't think would be bad. They're supposed to help counteract the chemo drug effects after all so how could they be that bad? I received a nice cocktail of an anti-nausea, a steroid, Pepcid and Benadryl in my IV. The first few minutes went okay but then I was struck with a wave of severe dizziness. And then came feelings of shakiness and nausea. I felt panicked, wanted to jump out of the chair and run away but at the same time I was scared to move. I told the nurse how I was feeling and they attributed it to the Benadryl. Once I put my feet up and had some ginger ale, I felt a little better but I couldn't keep my eyes open. There went my brackets! I wasn't able to do much of anything much less concentrate on trying to pick upsets and the final four! The nurse was correct when she said the Benadryl was not my friend. The other two medications after those pre-meds, Taxol and Carboplatin, went well from what I remember but I was going in and out of sleep. By the time I was finally done (5+ hours later!), I felt a little better and was able to walk out of the office without assistance.

One of my good friend's from high school was staying at our house for a few days to help us out (the day before chemo thru the weekend). I cannot be more appreciative of everything she has done for me/ us and I have no idea how I'll ever re-pay her. I'm so thankful to have her in my life! She was coming to pick me up after chemo because Eric had to work. While I was waiting for my ride, I thought I saw Eric's car drive by but I knew he was at work. When my friend she came to the front of the building to get me and walk with me to the car, she lead me around the corner and then I spotted Eric's car. As I got closer to the car I saw him smiling in the driver's seat with a sign in the front window that said: "Down 1 Step To Recovery Rockstar". He got his shift covered so he could be with me all day. He already had Friday and Saturday off so I was definitely caught off guard. It was such a wonderful, needed surprise!

I'm not going to lie: the next few days following that first chemo treatment were pretty rough. Fortunately I had Eric and my friend as backup to help with Hailey so I could rest. I'm notoriously bad at taking it easy and get antsy when I have to stay put for too long. I was active throughout my pregnancy and we're on the go with Hailey as much as possible. Walks, hiking, kayaking were my typical weekend (or daily if lucky!) activities. After I had my c-section, I had to tone it down a little bit for a while but we still went on plenty of scenic drives. Before starting chemo, I set a goal to walk every day or as often as possible. I'd give myself chemo days off but it is important for both my physical and mental health to get outside in the fresh air and move my body. I was able to go for short walks that first weekend after chemo but my stomach definitely felt the effects of all the medications. I had some cramping, a little nausea and diarrhea. I have a sensitive stomach as it is so I kind of expected this to happen. My appetite took a hit too. It was a struggle to eat anything and cutting back on my coffee intake didn't help my tiredness. I was warned about the fatigue caused by chemo but sadly there is not much you can do about that besides rest as much as you can. Easier said than done when you combine my own restlessness with having a baby. By Monday afternoon I was finally starting to feel somewhat better only to have to go back for another round of chemo in a few days. On Thursdays I have chemo and getting that first round done was a relief but looking ahead, it felt like the biggest mountain that I have ever had to climb. But like all of my hikes before, I will conquer this too.

[huggiesforholly]

Thank you for being a friend... cont'd

"Your heart is true, you're a pal and a confidant."

Just a few more pictures that I wanted to add but couldn't from my last post!

[huggiesforholly]

Thank You For Being A Friend.

"No more shitty titties!" Some people just have a way with words. One of my dear friends said this to me, I loved it and now it's become my own personal rallying cry of sorts. Before I can continue chronicling my journey toward recovery, I must first take some time to thank all of the incredible friends and family in my life. They have sent their support, well wishes and prayers, cards, gifts and offered their help in whatever way that we may need. I couldn't be more grateful to have such an amazing tribe behind me and you all give me the strength I need to fight and win this battle. All of the love that I've felt thus far has really helped me to stay positive. It's said that it takes a village to raise a child, but I feel like it also takes a village to defeat cancer. Your individual strength is needed to fight but it makes a world of difference to have the collective strength of others in your corner.

First and foremost, I probably wouldn't even be able to get out of bed some days if it weren't for my husband Eric. He has been my biggest advocate and supporter, my chef, my rock and I would be lost without him. I depend on him for so much. I feel like he has the weight of the world on his shoulders and I wish I could take something off of his plate but he rarely ever complains. I couldn't and wouldn't want to imagine going through such a tough time without him by my side. He, our daughter Hailey and our dog Daisy are my daily reminders and reasons to smile, laugh, and to keep pushing through. I'm so lucky to be married to such an amazing, hardworking, kind-hearted man and am thankful every day for his love.

I must also give a personal shout-out to my in-laws, Eric's parents. Even before I was diagnosed with breast cancer, they were helping take care of Hailey while we were at work and have been doing so since she was ten weeks old. They have stepped up even more since my diagnosis and are always offering their help with whatever I/ we need. There have definitely been some long days of watching Hailey for them. Taking care of a six month old while going through cancer treatments will never be easy but they have made it easier. I will forever be appreciative of their support and I always know Hailey is in great hands when she is with them.

The kindness and generosity of others that I have witnessed in the last few months has been overwhelming. I hope one day I will be able to pay it forward in some way. Through friends, friends mom's, acquaintances and family, I have been connected with several people, many of whom I don't even know, that have gone through cancer treatments and are breast cancer survivors. While none of them went through my exact situation, knowing that I have people to talk to if I need to that have been through similar experiences is so invaluable to me. The cancer community is not one that I ever would have thought I would be apart of, especially at my age, but no matter who I have reached out to everyone has been super helpful and compassionate.

I can't say enough how lucky I feel to be cared about by so many. Even the smallest of gestures have not gone unnoticed. And the grandest of gestures with friends coming to stay with me when they have their own families, jobs and lives to worry about has completely blown my mind. From the bottom of my extremely full heart, I want to thank everyone for everything that has been done for me and for my family. I love you all so very much!

[huggiesforholly]

Second opinion.

"You may be at risk for early menopause." At age 37, menopause isn't exactly something that I thought I'd have to worry about just yet. I had (thankfully) just gone through a healthy pregnancy so menopause was the furthest thing from my mind. Count that as yet another fact about chemotherapy that I didn't know. I have since learned that some breast cancer chemo treatments can bring on 'medical menopause' which could be temporary or permanent. With medical menopause, the ovaries stop functioning and hormone levels fall over a period of weeks or months — not over a few years, as what usually happens with natural menopause. It wasn't until I went for a second opinion that this risk was brought to my attention.

A second opinion wasn't really something I was taking into consideration. Not at first anyways. I was happy with my medical team at the breast care center that I was going to and I thought they were doing a good, thorough job. They explained the what, how and why of all the tests and treatments that they would be doing in ways that were easily understood so I didn't feel the need to seek reassurance for my diagnosis. But then I spoke with one of my friends' moms who works in healthcare and she shared a story with me about a friend of hers that decided to get a second opinion after their cancer diagnosis and they learned that they were mis-diagnosed. It's not overly common but it can happen. When you are about to go through treatments and surgeries that could save your life you don't want to leave any doubt that they are your correct paths toward recovery. So the more I thought about it, the more I felt it was a good idea. There are hospitals in bigger cities that specialize in cancer research and have cutting edge treatment options so if I had an opportunity to get their feedback, why shouldn't I? Now the question was which one to go to? We are very fortunate to live a day trip away from three amazing cancer centers: Memorial Sloan Kettering in Manhattan, Roswell Park in Buffalo, and Dana-Farber in Boston. We contacted all three places and Dana-Farber was able to get us in the quickest. So shipping up to Boston it was!

I have been to plenty of medical facilities but I had never been to anywhere quite like Dana-Farber before. It was equal parts impressive and overwhelming. As soon as we walked into the lobby I was instantly taken aback. There were so many floors and doctors! Patients in wheelchairs waiting for rides, some of them looking pretty rough. My mind went into overdrive; panic mode. Will I look this sick a few months from now? But I feel okay right now. I don't feel sick. Is this what cancer treatments do to you? Obviously if it saves my life, I'll do whatever I need to do but to say I was a little freaked out would be an understatement. Once I composed myself and we met with a doctor, I felt a little better. Other than some minor tweaks with the chemotherapy and immunotherapy plan, this doctor agreed with my original assessment. However, the mention of early menopause caught me off guard.

During that initial consultation at my local breast cancer center, fertility was discussed briefly. Because I went through IVF treatments in order to have a baby, the doctor suggested if we wanted another child that we may want to go through another egg retrieval before chemotherapy. When I said that we already had frozen embryos and I didn't want to delay getting treatment for the cancer, the doctor moved onto the next topic. So I thought since we had the frozen embryos I didn't have anything else to worry about in terms of getting pregnant again (if we decided we wanted to) after going through cancer treatments. I was wrong. The doctor at Dana-Farber informed us about the possibility of early menopause caused by chemotherapy but said that there was a shot that I could get that could help preserve fertility called Lupron. I would have to contact my fertility clinic and have them write a script to send to my oncologist to administer. My previous insurance covered my fertility treatments but I no longer had that insurance and Eric's insurance doesn't cover that so we weren't sure if we would even be able to get this medication without having to spend a fortune out of pocket. Of course it was also time sensitive because my chemo port was scheduled to be put in that next week and then chemo would start shortly after. And as is the case with getting any prescription medicine, I would need to have a consultation with my fertility doctor first before I could get anything going. So much to do in so little time! Thankfully I was able to get a phone consult with that doctor quickly. It was then that I learned that this Lupron shot works best when it's administered at least a week or even two before chemotherapy starts. With the port scheduled to be put in later that week and chemo to follow early that next week, I didn't have time to get the Lupron shot figured out with prior authorization, who was going to administer the shot (fertility clinic or oncologist), and making sure it was in my system for the appropriate time before chemo started. I suddenly had more extremely difficult decisions to make. Nothing like adding more stress to an already stressful situation!

I had just had a baby a few months ago and before then it had been a struggle to even get pregnant. If we didn't have Hailey there would be an even harder decision that we would have to make that we thankfully didn't have to worry about. I can't imagine the stress that some women have to undergo when they're diagnosed with breast cancer and decide to go through an egg retrieval before getting chemotherapy or having surgery in order to preserve their fertility. That is a lot for both your mind and your body to handle. And financially, it is a huge investment that many cannot afford. After three egg retrievals, we are extremely fortunate to have a few embryos that were able to be frozen. I was/ am by no means set on having more children. I am beyond grateful that I was even able to have one and I realize so many people would give anything to have a baby that can't. I definitely don't want to come across as greedy or insensitive to those people by my own want to potentially try to have more. Yes I am content with having Hailey right now and I will never take her for granted but what if I decide a few years down the road that I really did want to have another baby? And I have those embryos waiting for us. I didn't want to regret not getting the Lupron shot even though it's still not completely a sure thing that will guarantee a successful pregnancy after cancer treatments. But also with an aggressive tumor just waiting to spread, was I willing to wait another week or two to start chemo in order to get a shot that may or may not help preserve my fertility for another baby that I may or may not try to have? There was a lot of soul searching on my part but ultimately I decided that if there was even the slightest possibility that I would want another child, I had to do anything I could to protect that and leave that opportunity available. Though if it was going to take weeks to figure out the logistics of the shot, I would proceed as planned with chemo and have the peace of mind that at least I tried. And that would have to be enough because I have to be selfish enough to not sacrifice my own life for a life that hasn't even been created yet.

After so much back and forth with the oncologist, the fertility clinic and insurance, we were FINALLY able to get the Lupron. It only required a co-pay and didn't need prior authorization. And I decided to only move my chemotherapy from a Monday to a Thursday so as to not delay it by too much. I got the shot of Lupron that Monday before chemo and hoped that being in my body for three days ahead of chemo would be better than nothing. How effective it will be remains to be seen but at least I ended up getting it. I will get the shot of it once a month for two more times and hope for the best. Despite all of the additional drama amd legwork, I am still glad we went to get that second opinion! You never know what you might learn from it.

[huggiesforholly]

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing.

"We have to make sure it hasn't spread." That is not something you want to hear from a doctor once you receive a cancer diagnosis but that's the situation that we were suddenly put in. Not only did I have a tumor in my right breast but we learned that it had spread to a nearby lymph node. This discussion was at our consultation which was only six days after that initial phone call with the biopsy results but it definitely felt like much longer than that. Once I was told that I had breast cancer it was as if time stood still. Eric and I told a few close friends and family members those first few days but until we knew more, we kept our upsetting news close to the chest (pun intended). Each day since the diagnosis felt like it took an eternity and somehow the next day took even longer. We were left with too much time for our minds to wander and, of course, search on the internet (which I have mostly refrained from after years of practice!). My mind went to the darkest, worst case scenarios as it often does when I'm stressed about something. My number one concern? Hailey. Will I be around to watch her grow up? Will she remember me if I don't beat this? I hate that her first year of life is being overshadowed by this and I can't fully enjoy the memories that we're making. But I have to turn those negative thoughts and feelings off and be strong. Be strong for myself, for my family, for my friends, and, most importantly, for Hailey. She is watching me and even if she doesn't remember this, I want her to see how hard I'm fighting. So instead of worrying about future what ifs I have to focus on the current task at hand: Beating Cancer. As well as an even more pressing matter to tackle: weaning off breastfeeding and switching Hailey to formula.

I wanted to make it to at least six months. Six months of breastfeeding seemed to be a realistic goal for me once both Hailey and I got used to it and found what worked for us. To have to abruptly stop by neither my choice or my daughter's choice was/ is tough. We almost made it to that mark and I'm grateful I was able freeze some of my milk along the way. But I'm still sad to have to put an end to this part of motherhood. Thankfully we've been having her feed from a bottle at least once a day since practically day one so that helps our cause. She had some formula her first couple weeks of life when she dropped a lot of weight in the hospital but we didn't think she digested it as well as breast milk. But at least we had a few weeks while I got additional testing done so we could slowly reduce the amount of breast milk she consumed and increase the amount of formula. It is quite overwhelming trying to figure out which formula to attempt though. Formula is expensive and once you open it, you have to use it within a certain amount of time and obviously you can't return it once it's open. There are so many different brands and types, how do you choose? And what works for the baby one week might not work for them the next week. I know people that have tried seemingly every brand that's been made trying to find the right one for their baby. We were very fortunate that one of the many, many people that have offered their help (a separate thank you post to all will be forthcoming) came to our rescue! Shout out to nurse Lauren at Hailey's pediatrician office for hooking us up with free formula samples to try! It's been a slow process with a few minor bumps along the way but I'm happy to report that Hailey is adjusting fairly well to formula. This has actually been more difficult for me than her. Drying up my supply has been tedious despite attempting all the tricks that I was told to try: Altoids, peppermint tea, Sudafed, and (the weirdest one) cabbage leaves directly on my skin. As fun as all of that was, what has worked the best has been stretching out the feed/ pump times and only pumping long enough to relieve the discomfort. And there is just no getting used to those formula poops! The smell turns my stomach like nothing else. But I digress... As exhausting as breastfeeding was at times, having to end it has been more emotional than I was anticipating. When I get upset thinking about how I may never experience breastfeeding again and how I was forced to stop it prematurely, I try to remind myself that I gave Hailey almost six months of nourishment solely from my body (and nine months before that in-utero!). And that's pretty incredible. And something that I'm very proud of.

It's weird how something called 'triple negative' can actually be seen as a positive. At least in my eyes it can be. My type of breast cancer is triple negative which means it's not hormone driven. However that does make it harder to treat since it's a more aggressive kind. But knowing that all of the medications that I took during the IVF process didn't have anything to do with this breast cancer made it all a little better and it just confirmed again to me that Hailey was brought to us for a very special reason.

Along with the type and severity of the cancer, we also learned on that consultation day that I would have to do several rounds of chemotherapy and immunotherapy. My heart sank when the word "chemo" came out of the doctor's mouth. I was hopeful that all I would need is surgery and the cancer would be taken care of. That was naive of me to think that but at that point I really had no idea what any of this information that was being thrown at me meant. It turned out I would have to do chemotherapy, surgery and perhaps radiation after that depending on the type of surgery I had and how I responded to treatments. The 'good news' was that I would be doing chemo before getting any kind of surgery so that meant I could wean off breastfeeding more slowly. Meaning I didn't have to delay starting chemotherapy if I was still producing milk once treatments began; I could just "pump and dump". And that really is as glamourous as it sounds. When I think of chemotherapy my mind automatically pictures someone looking very frail, bald and vomiting. Most everyone hates throwing up but I'm terrified of it. I will do anything and everything in order not to do it. Somehow I was lucky enough to make it through my entire pregnancy and then a c-section without throwing up so I'll have to keep reminding myself of that and that if I was okay then, I'll be okay now. It's still very daunting.

Before I could begin chemo, I would have to go through many tests to make sure the cancer hadn't spread and to gather more information. First up was a mammogram and genetic testing after our consultation. I had never gotten a mammogram before and I built it up in my mind that is was going to hurt much more than it actually did. -- PSA: women should be screened for breast cancer before age 40 regardless of family history! Earlier screening for other cancer's as well (colon). Please and thank you! -- Genetic testing was just a simple blood test that checked over 20 different genes to see if there was anything else of concern that was found. I wouldn't get those results for almost two weeks. This one wasn't as distressing to me as some of the other tests were somehow but just as important. For Hailey's sake especially.

I received the results of the mammogram later that day over the phone and it pretty much confirmed their findings from the biopsy but thankfully it didn't show any other cancer in the right breast and nothing in the left breast. I learned that I have very dense tissue, which isn't a bad thing but that it's just harder to see details on imaging. And since I was still breastfeeding, it's even more challenging to decipher what is normal and what is not. So a chest MRI would be next. That wasn't so bad either other than the ill-fitting pants I was given to wear and laying on my stomach on a very hard surface after eating a big meal. And I got to choose what to listen to in the headphones they gave me to drown out the MRI noises so I picked 90's pop, of course. What was bad was that barium drink I had to have that following morning! I was scheduled to have a PET/ CT scan of my pelvis, abdomen and lungs and then a few hours after that, a full body bone scan to make sure the cancer hadn't metastasized. Those were the tests that Eric and I were worried about the most. Now, unfortunately, I fully understand what people mean when they refer to "scanxiety". The absolute worst feeling is sitting, waiting, wishing for those results! Other than that less than appetizing barium beverage, the tests themselves were relatively quick and easy. And the snowstorm that morning kept up with the trend of crummy weather on days I have appointments. But nothing was going to stop me from going to those tests because as much as waiting for the results suck, waiting to get scheduled for those tests is even worse. In a situation like this, you just want to get things moving along as quick as possible and not delay getting any treatments. Once my echo test to check my heart before getting chemo was done that next week, my menagerie of tests were finally complete.

The dreaded yet eagerly anticipated phone call from my doctor at the breast care center came later that same day as the tests. The results were in and there was no evidence that the cancer had spread anywhere else in my body!! The weight of the world was instantly off my shoulders. At least temporarily. The MRI showed a few more areas of 'potential concern' in the same breast and nearby lymph nodes that were still difficult to see because I was still lactating. But that wouldn't change the chemotherapy that was discussed and we would proceed as planned. A week later I received the results of my genetic testing and it all came back negative! So hopefully Hailey will be okay later in life in that regard and I'm just the one in the family with the crummy luck. It's frustrating that I don't have the answer of why or how this happened still but at least I had the peace of mind that everything was checked out thoroughly and that we now had a solid plan to shrink/ kill the cancer. Next, as we waited for the chemo port installation, would be mulling over a second opinion to make sure I was really on the best path to recovery.

[huggiesforholly]

Diagnosis.

"But you just had a baby." That is what seems to be one of the immediate responses when I tell family and friends about my breast cancer diagnosis. Shock, bewildered, confused, upset, sadness are just some of the emotions that I've encountered from these people; my support system. I share those sentiments with them. I myself have not been able to wrap my head around this and make sense of it yet. I'm not sure if I ever will. Why is this happening to me right now? This isn't fair. I did just have a baby. But cancer doesn't care about that. Cancer doesn't care if you're a new parent. Cancer doesn't care about your age, gender, race, religion, diet or your overall health. Some of these factors can make someone more susceptible to certain cancers but in the end, some people are just unlucky. And it certainly is never fair. But life isn't fair and cancer is, unfortunately, part of life. A part of my life now. But it's not going to take over my life. I will battle and win for myself, my husband Eric, my family, my friends, and, most importantly, for my daughter.

Speaking of my daughter, her name is Hailey and she is almost six months old now. She is our first child after being married for a little over eleven years. We waited a long time for her and couldn't be more happy to have her in our lives. That journey is a whole other story and blog for another time. But as one of my best friends said, to which I agree, Hailey came into my life to save my life. It was so hard to struggle through all those years of trying to have a baby but she was meant to be here at this moment in time. I truly believe that if I didn't have Hailey that I wouldn't even know I have breast cancer. If I wasn't breastfeeding, I would have had no idea there was anything wrong. At least not as soon as I did notice. When I was pregnant I was never really sold on the idea of breastfeeding. Some women are very adamant about it and some are very adamant about formula feeding. I was rather impartial but figured I'd try breastfeeding if I could and see how it went. It was really difficult at first and Hailey had a very painful latch. I could have given up on it early on and I really wanted to. The bonding experience plus the convenience of it and the benefits of breast milk kept me going despite the pain and lack of sleep. I extended my weaning time from one month, to two months, to three months. I still didn't have overly strong feelings toward breastfeeding but I just kept continuing on. Maybe deep down I knew there was another reason for me to keep going with it? Who knows? But I kept on going; through my six week postpartum appointment where the first signs of trouble appeared.

Shortly before my six week postpartum appointment I noticed a little lump on the side of my right breast while I was feeding Hailey. I was worried about mastitis so I went to see the lactation consultants at Hailey's pediatrician that had been helping me. They looked at it and thought it may be a clogged milk duct but not mastitis. I was given tips to treat that and sent on my way. The lump was still there at my six week postpartum appointment so I brought to my nurse's attention during the exam. Again, it was thought to be a clogged duct and I was given similar tips to help it go away. I was told that if it hadn't disappeared in a month to call back and they would give me an ultrasound. A month went by and the lump was still there. I called back and got into my Obgyn to get re-checked. A different nurse examined me and still thought it was a clogged duct. She gave me advice on making sure I fully empty my breasts when feeding Hailey/ pumping. Then (FINALLY) she said she would order an ultrasound for me but made it sound like it was mainly just for my own piece of mind and she didn't think there was any cause for concern. I scheduled my ultrasound for a few weeks after that but that ended up getting delayed.

I was only back to work after maternity leave for five weeks before I contracted Covid. As any new mom knows, going back to work after having a baby is a huge life adjustment and I struggled mightily with it. I had decided to only take ten of my allotted twelve weeks off so I could use the remaining two weeks later in the year. But as time went on, I couldn't help but think I had made a mistake doing that. I was exhausted and having a tough time mentally and physically. Then there was a Covid outbreak at work and despite my best efforts not to catch it, Covid found me. I am vaccinated and had just gotten a booster shot but it still hit me hard. I isolated myself from Eric and Hailey but our precautions weren't successful and Hailey got Covid too. Somehow Eric was spared at least. Because of this situation, I had to re-schedule my ultrasound appointment and I ended up missing three weeks of work between me being sick and Hailey having to quarantine. This all lead up to the best week ever (sarcasm font).

Best week ever. A time line: Sunday, January 30th: I l spend the entire day worrying about coming back to work after three weeks of Covid and not feeling well. I text my boss about my health concerns and to ask if we can discuss on Monday about me going part time. He says 'sure'. Monday, January 31st: I feel like crap but make it to work for a full day. I wait all day for the meeting and I finally have the meeting to ask about going part time for a few weeks (I throw out 30 hours). I was told I needed to work 40 hours for insurance but they'll get back to me and call the insurance company about it. Tuesday, February 1st: We have an appointment at Hailey's pediatrician for her four month check-up so I get into work late (approved time). I have an email waiting for me saying that they further discussed it and they need me to work full time and if that doesn't work for me then they understand, no hard feelings and they'd go from there. I make a tele-health appointment for the afternoon so I can ask the doctor what I can do to feel better while still needing to work. I was told by the doctor to go part time for a while because rest and time is all that will help me. I tell her that's not an option so she writes me a note to pull me out of work for the rest of the week. Wednesday, February 2nd: I email and text my bosses about my tele-health appt and what the doctor said and that I'm going to pick up the note to send to them since the doctor's office was closed by the time I got out of work the day before. I get "received" back. I pick up the doctor's note and send it to them. Less than an hour later I get an email through my work email (I checked it on my phone) saying that they would pay me for the rest of the week and it would be my last week. I was not a good fit and thank you for everything. My work email is deactivated but I see this email first. This email was forwarded to my personal email but as a blank message. Finally it was sent to my phone as a text. I try to call the office but they don't talk to me. All I get is a text reiterating that it's not a good fit for them, this was not medically related and that they would never do that. I try to get more answers but get nowhere other than to go on unemployment. Thursday, February 3rd: I have to figure out my insurance and how to get my belongings that are still at the office. I was told they already boxed up my belongings and that it's downstairs. I still never heard anything from my bosses providing further explanation. Today is the day that I had the ultrasound for the lump in my right breast that had to be rescheduled because of Covid. I have the ultrasound and was told that they couldn't tell what it is so I need a biopsy. I make an appointment for a biopsy on Friday. Friday, February 4th: There was a bad ice and snow storm but the biopsy was moved from 2pm to 11am. I run around trying to feed Hailey, empty my breasts, drop Hailey off with milk to my in-laws and get there in time for the biopsy (barely). I have the biopsy done: three different samples are taken out in three different spots. The wait begins to find out the results (3-5 business days). There was lots of bruising and soreness, pumping and dumping, and icing for the rest of the day. I still don't hear anything else from my -former- job. Saturday, February 5th: I have a sore boob but I get to sleep in and Syracuse wins. (Huge Syracuse basketball fan!) It's finally a better day! That is, until the following Thursday...

I was torn about what to do now that I was unemployed. Knowing that I was going through all of these medical challenges while taking care of an infant was stressful enough without adding a new job to the mix. I could have easily just gone on unemployment. But I didn't. I'm not a fan of sitting around and I needed the distraction so I reached out to someone for an opportunity. I am now with an employer who is compassionate, understanding and flexible. A company that actually cares about their employees and values communication. And they hired me knowing that I have breast cancer. The day of my interview was the same day that I received my diagnosis. I got the phone call from the doctor in the morning and I was supposed to go to their office for an interview that afternoon. I explained my situation to my now employer and we agreed upon a phone interview instead. I honestly don't remember much about that interview but it went well enough to get offered the position. All that was on my mind in that moment were the words: "you have cancer". It didn't seem real when I was getting told that news over the phone and then I had to make one of the hardest calls that I'll ever have to make. I had to call Eric at work with tears streaming down my face and my voice breaking and tell him that I was diagnosed with breast cancer. He was able to come home from work early that day to be with me. We tried to be strong for each other but the fear and anxiety of the unknown was consuming both of us. When we picked Hailey up that day at Eric's parents house and told them, we felt a slight bit better that we didn't have to bear this burden alone. The more people we shared with, the more at ease we felt about it. We didn't have many answers or details yet but to have the love and support of others in those moments meant everything. It was and still is very scary though. And the wait for the follow-up consultation and subsequent tests were some of the longest, most nerve-racking days that we have ever had to endure.