Humanitarian against Humanity

Beware of low flying opinions

[humanagainsthumans]

Small act of kindness

Let a woman go ahead me in line because she had a handful of items while I had a cartful.

[humanagainsthumans]

Kind thing per day #2

Drove neighbor to destination.

[humanagainsthumans]

Kind thing per day #1

I let someone with a handful of groceries go before me and my cartful.

[now--inactive-deactivated201712]

Ingrown hair? *tears open skin with fingernails* Acne? *tears open skin with fingernails* Scab? *tears open skin with fingernails* Bug bite? *tears open skin with fingernails* Anxious? *tears open skin with fingernails* Bored? *tears open skin with fingernails* Skin? *tears open skin with fingernails*

[humanagainsthumans]

Oh man...everything is exceedingly difficult right now.

[humanagainsthumans]

Positive thoughts

Visiting CoRyan this weekend and today we drove down the the Jersey Coast. It was rainy and dreary; not good weather for the beach. But we saw the ocean and then walked along this crusty old amusement park. It had dangerous rides, fair food and arcade games. All and all I think we made the most of it.

[humanagainsthumans]

Positive thoughts

Despite my continuously high level of anxiety, today was a pretty good day. The eclipse was amazing to see, and I was so happy to see science in the collective consciousness. I played some borderlands with Foz and friends, which is fun even though I suck. My mechromancer has leveled up to level 20, so I'm pretty pleased with that. And then I got some cuddles with my ridiculous dog, who brought the most annoying toy to bed.

[humanagainsthumans]

Positive thoughts

I'll do a few cause it's been a while: •listening to the ending of Taz. I rarely cry honest to goodness tears due to movies or tv shows, but they were streaming down my face. Killian and Carey getting married, the whole thing with Magnus...Travis has no right to sound so sincere. •revisiting my friends after a couple weeks seclusion. I was very afraid before going to hang out. I didn't actually think they would reject me, but anxiety rarely takes reality into account. We watched some Rick and Morty, and it was nice to feel connected again. •speaking my of connection, earlier this week I attended a vigil honoring the victims of the march on Charlottesville. There was so much energy in the air, I felt like I was a part of something larger than myself. It was a sense I'd always searched for but never found. I hope i can do good with the momentum from that night. •I'm in bed now, and my dog has his head resting on my legs. Sometimes, I feel he is the most important thing to me. The drive that keeps me going.

[humanagainsthumans]

Lately I've been doing...no good. Lots of depression and anxiety. I've been forcing my way through a lot, but I've also been ignoring the things I need to get done. And when I look at all the things that need to get done, I don't feel able to do them. I am afraid the things I need to do, but also pretty sure I've built them up in my head. I have diagnosed mental problems, but they aren't worse than what other people have to face. I feel like I'm faking. And that makes me feel worse. My doctor prescribed me a higher dose of Medication....I hope that helps. I feel like I'm on the edge of a cliff I'm about to fall off of.

[humanagainsthumans]

I'm having a real hard time right now; I can't even focus. My mother in law has been acting the martyr really hard core, and today basically disowning my husband. She made him upset for something she has still not apologized for (it's been like 6 months now), and in her letter she referred to what she did as "big whoop." She twisted the narrative to make My husband the thankless son, while acknowledging none of her mistakes. It's made me realize that protecting her own ego is more important than her own son's emotional well being. I am furious, but neither my husband nor I know what to do. We have family on his side we still want to be in contact with, which will be harder now.

[humanagainsthumans]

My car got repossessed today. I got it back...I paid the overdue amount in full, and all together it was almost $1,500 and a day missed out of work. It was stressful and depressing and it drained me entirely, but at least I don't work hourly and I have a husband willing and able to help. I cannot imagine going through that goose chance under worse circumstances.

[humanagainsthumans]

I've had very bad self esteem issues my whole life, which typically fed on my anxiety and fueled my depression. For years, I fought hard against this. I changed a lot of my bad behaviors. I saw therapists and talked out my issues. I sought out medication to combat my mental illness. I create things on a regular basis. I continuously worked on my education. I have a full time job, a house and a loving husband. By many objective accounts, I have succeeded. This was the point I expected to find happiness. I guess I thought there would be a reward. But the self hatred never went away. It's still here, maybe even stronger than ever, because now I have no one to blame but myself.

[haboutijustgoaheadandrant-blog]

signs of emotional abusers:

never says sorry,  ever, or only says sorry when they want something or they are forced to by others around them

yells at you for small things, like accidently dropping food on the counter, forgetting to put something away, or things that aren’t your fault like running out of cereal, or being attacked by an animal or person; blames you for things they do or just generally anything that goes wrong

ignores you/neglects your emotional needs, like spending hours on the computer and never wants to spend time with you/values things or work more than you

never compromises, always need you to do things their way or else its “the wrong way” and/or belittles you for it. always needs you to be interested in their life/things but isn’t interested in your life/things

belittles you for your opinions or feelings and makes you feel like they’re not valid or that theyre dumb.

if they’re religious and they’re your parents, they are always ready to pounce on you when they think you are not doing the right thing or threatens to kick you out of the house if you are not/or dont do the things they say or want/think are godly

always has to control how you look/act/dress

is mean to you then acts nice immediately after and expects everything to be ok again expects you to forgive them right away or else you’re in the wrong

buys you things then acts like its your fault that you dont like them/want them and/or forces you into eat them/wear them/use them by yelling at you or belittling you 

acts like your emotions are wrong

keeps you from your friends and family in roundabout (or obvious ways) and possibly acts like this is your fault

tells you that they have never done what you say they did, even though they did, never admits faults (gaslighting)

treats you like a child even if you are an adult

[humanagainsthumans]

History of family funerals (1/??)

It’s been a long time I’ve been on this side of the funeral. The immediate family side, I mean. And I’ve been to plenty of funerals since my first one, when my brother and I were unholy terrors in the funeral home.

I was probably about 7, old enough to know better, but my brother was only three and just wanted to follow his older sister.

In a moment of contemplation, I marveled at how lifelike the man in the casket looked. I had never met him before. He was a distant relative of my dad’s, and not one of my people. And afterwards, we got ice cream on the way home. Not a bad deal in my book.

For years, that was my only person experience with death, excluding the odd hamster or three. Until I was 12 years old, anyways, and my mom woke me up with a gentle voice saying, “Caitlin, your grandpa died.”

I was devastated, numb, and confused. Dad had driven up to see him in the hospital earlier that week, but it was still a shock. Later, I would learn that death always delivers a shock to those left behind.

My mom drove my brother and I 2 hours east to my dad’s hometown for the funeral. On the way, we got lost. And getting lost tied up my mother’s emotions into knots.

“Your father did this on purpose! He wanted us to get lost so we wouldn’t get to the funeral on time!”

Chris, now 7, and I wailed in the back seat. It was before we realized the fallibility of our parents, and so we believed her. Looking back now, I’m not sure why she took such an extreme position, but it makes sense knowing that she tends towards (1) paranoia, (2) avoiding blame, and (3) creating drama.

My mother is in no way cruel, but she does not consider the effects of her actions in the moment. And I’ve notice that mom has a difficult time with death because she hates acknowledging its existence, and the fact that attention is taken off of her.

This was before GPS, and the only way we got back on track was with the help of some gas station attendants. When we finally pulled into grandma’s driveway, my brother and I spilled out of the car with relief. 

Did I rush out of the car towards my dad, or did he rush over to me? I can no longer remember, but I remember–-with deep shame–-that I turned away from his hug. I completely believed my mom’s paranoia, and with tears still fresh on my face I still believed he purposefully sabotaged our journey.

It remembers the look of hurt and confusion on my father’s face, and I have a hard time accepting that I did that to my father during such a hard time for him.

My mom stormed out of the car and caused a fight in the driveway. It took some time for reality to catch up with us.

[humanagainsthumans]

Depression has hit me so hard I don’t even have the energy to hate myself properly.

[loremcatsum]

Please reblog if:

•your anxiety has made it difficult for you to voice your opinion

•your anxiety has made it difficult to dress the way you want

•your anxiety has made it difficult to ask for help

•your anxiety has made you constantly worry if you are being annoying and wonder if your friends and family are valid relationships or if they just put up with you because they have to

And please know that you are not fighting this battle alone. You are worth more than your anxiety says. You matter and so does your opinion and your say. You are awesome

[kush-kupcakes]

Thank you 😌😌 it feels good for someone to notice that I’m really struggling with this

[humanagainsthumans]

My biggest fear is turning out like my mother. I know I am far from being alone, but I hate when I see smug posts from people saying, “I would be honored to turn out like my mom, because she is wonderful and supportive.” 

That’s real cool, bro. I’m happy for you. But some of us aren’t afraid of turning out “lame” like our moms, but are afraid of the compulsion to continue the cycle of hurt and abuse.