apologies to anyone who ever thought i was cool and reached out to me only to discover i am just a weird little hermit who can't carry on a conversation to save my life
genre: modern!au, reverse isekai
general content warnings: terminal illness (not reader or levi), eventual parental death
chapter content warnings: none
word count: 4117
The journey back to your apartment is awkward.
You’re not sure what to say to prepare Levi for the inevitable conversation, and he doesn’t seem interested in speaking about anything else. Now that he knows that you have something you’ve been keeping from him, his walls seem to have come up again, shutting you out from anything that would be deemed remotely casual or friendly.
He sits across from you on the metro and doesn’t look your way once. When you get off the train, he follows along at your side. His eyes stay straight ahead.
Finally, you try to break the tension when your apartment comes into view.
“Levi,” you say quietly. “Do you remember when you said you didn’t want to tell me anything because you didn’t think I’d believe it?”
He doesn’t say anything, but the glance he gives you resembles recognition enough that you continue.
“That’s the only reason I haven’t said anything to you yet. It’s… unbelievable even for me. I don’t want you to think that I’ve kept something out of malicious intent or something.”
He considers your words for a moment. “I guess we’ll see.”
Every step closer to your apartment makes your chest grow tighter, until you’re standing in front of your door and the weight of your key in the lock feels as heavy as the dread in your stomach.
Luna, (poor unassuming Luna), greets you both at the door, but you move around her without stopping to say hello.
You hesitate for a moment once you’re in the living room, unsure of where to begin. You could just sit him down and start the show, but would he even understand what he was watching?
“Would you like some tea?” you ask, spinning around to look at him.
Levi stares back at you with his arms crossed, still hovering like a hawk surveying prey in the entryway. “Just tell me what’s going on.”
Shit, okay. No stalling to collect your thoughts then.
You wring your hands for a moment, still deciding before finally pointing to the sofa.
“Here, why don’t you sit down.”
He doesn’t move.
“Okay.” You begin to pace back and forth, anxiety bubbling up in the strained silence. Finally, you come out with it. “Have you ever heard of Attack on Titan?”
From a quick glance, you see Levi’s brows crease. He shakes his head. “No.”
“It’s a show,” you tell him before remembering he likely doesn’t know what that means. “You know, like, uh… a play.”
He nods, albeit slowly, in an effort to show that he’s following along.
“Attack on Titan is like that,” you continue. “Someone came up with a story and they animated it. They drew the people and the places and everything that happens to them and it was so popular that they turned it into a television show.”
His head tilts slightly. “What’s a television show?”
Stopping in your tracks, you turn and point to the appliance next to you. “That is a television. I don’t know everything about how it works, but the short version is that things like shows and movies are made and recorded and can be watched on this device.”
It’s a quick explanation, and it’s clear from the look on Levi’s face that he doesn’t quite understand but he chooses to save questions about it for later.
“And what does that have to do with me?”
You turn to look at him, forcing yourself to meet his gaze. “When I found you, you were dressed exactly like one of the characters from the show I’m talking about.”
You see the moment that your words register. For a long moment, Levi just stares. Then he supplies the rest of your thought. The part that feels too silly to say out loud.
“So, you think I am that character?”
You stare at him for a moment, feeling the weight of that frankly insane admission settle in the room and begin to pace again. “I mean, no—because that’s impossible, right? But then his name is Levi and he looks and acts just like you and you’re telling me you’re from the year 854 and that’s around the time the show is set and I just…”
You trail off and throw your hands up in defeat, unable to find the words for an adequate way to end your train of thought. When you turn to look at Levi again, you expect him to laugh. To call you an idiot. Something that might put an end to your silly delusion, but instead he’s calm. In fact, he looks curious.
Seemingly more at ease, his arms drop to his sides. “You said it’s set in the year 854?”
Not enjoying the direction his question seems to be going, you nod. “Something like that.”
“Can you show me?”
It takes a moment to get set up. Sorting through applications on your television, searching through shows.
Finally, you pull it up and quickly scroll to the first episode.
“Here, sit down.” You sit on the sofa and pat the cushion next to you, settling in a bit further. “Each episode is about 25 minutes long.”
At first, he looks reluctant to move but when the show begins, his expression shifts. You’re reminded of how he looked at the observation tower.
Not taking his eyes off of the screen, he sits down next to you.
He’s like a statue as the story unfolds. First, Eren and Mikasa appear, then the Scouts. Then Armin and the Colossal. You want to ask him what he’s thinking but he’s too absorbed, so you focus on petting Luna instead.
It isn’t until the last scene ends and the closing song begins that you dare to look over.
Levi still hasn’t looked away, but can see the gears turning behind his eyes. After several long seconds, he finally speaks.
“I really thought saying I’m not from this time was bad, but this…” he trails off, turning to look at you. “This is entertainment for you?”
“It’s not real,” you defend lightly. As you speak, Luna meows and leaps from your lap, leaving you with nothing to fidget with. “At least it’s not supposed to be, not here. It’s fantasy. Giant man-eating titans don’t exist in this world.”
Levi raises a brow. “Are you sure?”
You place a hand over your chest like a mock-swear. “One hundred percent.”
He glances back at the screen for a moment, deep in thought. “I guess that makes sense,” he finally says. “I didn’t see any walls when we were up in that tower earlier.”
“There aren’t any,” you confirm. “For the most part, people can travel freely all around the world.”
“And there aren’t any problems?”
You snort. “Oh, there are plenty of problems. Just maybe not ones that you’re used to.”
It grows quiet then, but the air feels like it's buzzing with all of the words that are being left unsaid. Questions simmer on the tip of your tongue. He hasn’t exactly denied that any of what he’s seen is true, and the anticipation is making something uneasy squirm in your stomach.
“So,” you start slowly, “what do you think?”
For a few tense seconds, the only sound is of the song playing as the episode closes out. Levi watches as the credits roll and the preview for the next episode appears. A deep, puzzled frown forms on his lips.
“I remember that day,” he finally says, nodding towards the screen. “The Survey Corps had just come back from a standard expedition. I wasn’t a captain yet, so I was ordered to stay behind in Trost.”
That uneasy feeling becomes a substantial, solid weight.
“Hold on.” You fold your legs under yourself, feebly grasping a thread of doubt. “But that can’t be real, right? It’s just a show.”
“How would you like me to prove it?” he asks, gesturing again towards the television. “I don’t know what you already know about my life. I’m assuming you know some of it.”
You nod. “Bits and pieces, yeah.”
He’s quiet for a moment, but eventually he gets to his feet and goes to his things. His cape is neatly folded on top of the blade boxes of his ODM gear by the sofa. You see him look through it before he turns back around and hands you something.
“Here,” he says, outstretching his hand. “This is all I have.”
Whatever he drops into your palm is cold. When you open your hand, you find a silver chain with two rectangular pendants attached.
They’re dog tags, you realize. Both pendants bear the same inscription engraved into the metal: Levi Ackerman, Squad Captain of the Special Operations Squad, Scout Regiment.
Well, that’s certainly something you didn’t know existed. Carefully, you hold it up and the burnished metal glints in the dim lamplight. There’s no mistaking the handmade quality, each careful mark made from striking the metal in the forging process.
Holy shit.
“This is insane,” you finally say, more to yourself than anything.
Beside you, Levi’s lip curls. “I’m not convinced yet I haven’t just died and ended up… wherever this is.”
“Well, you don’t die.”
The words are out before you think about them, and of course Levi notices.
“I don’t die,” he slowly repeats.
You know what he’s asking by the look on his face: what happens? You think of everything that occurs after the first episode. Erwin, Annie, his squad, the rumbling, Hange, the battle at Fort Salta, Eren.
Everything he does. What he sees. What he goes through. What they all go through.
You swallow. “The show has been over for almost a year,” you tell him softly. “The closest you get is the thunderspear explosion, but it doesn’t…” you trail off for a moment, recalling when you first met him on the metro. He’d said something about a flash when you asked what happened to him. Then, there’s the small cut just above his right eye… And he’s still able to see out of both eyes.
“Holy shit, wait.” You resettle in your seat, angling yourself more towards him, and grab a pillow to hold in your excitement. “What were you doing before you woke up here? Do you remember?”
Levi’s gaze drifts as he thinks. “I was in the forest—is Zeke Yeager in this?” he points to the television and you nod. “We had just learned that we’d been betrayed and he turned my entire squad into titans and transformed. I was taking him to have his power given to someone else.”
“But he set off a thunderspear.”
For a moment, Levi looks surprised when you finish off the thought but he eventually nods.
It’s safe to assume the flash of light that he saw was the explosion itself, but something must have happened in that split second. But how? And why?
You look over again and it dawns on you that you’ve inadvertently gone from being skeptical to believing him in the matter of a few short minutes. But then again, it was a theory that had been stuck in your mind since he first told you his name, even if you didn’t want to believe it.
“You’re doing it again.” Levi turns to look at you, looking thoroughly unimpressed. “Staring.”
“It’s not every day you get to meet your favorite fictional character.”
“I’m your favorite?” Levi’s tone shifts slightly, somewhere between a mix of curious and somewhat apprehensive.
Shit. Did you really say that out loud?
“Yes,” you finally say, choosing to be honest. In an effort to make it feel less awkward, you toss the pillow you’re holding at him. “But if you get a big head about it though, I’m making you second favorite.”
Levi catches the pillow easily, then tucks it to his stomach, back to his usual dry self. “Wouldn’t dream of it.”
You spend most of the afternoon and bulk of the following morning watching the show with Levi.
It’s fascinating in a new way, you think, to watch him go back through this part of his life from a different perspective. You learn that most things are very accurate to his lived experience, but you hadn’t been expecting much to be different.
Eventually though, when you get to the end of season one, you pause the show.
“Want to take a break?” you ask, stretching your arms over your head. “I’ll make lunch. What do you want?”
Getting to his feet, Levi follows you into the kitchen. “Whatever you want,” he replies. “Do we have more tea?”
“Only two bags left. That’s coming out of your allowance, buddy.”
You see him freeze with a tea bag pinched between two of his fingers before he gently places it back into the box.
“I’m kidding, Levi,” you snort. “We can get more tea.”
You make something quick and easy from the items you bought the day before—grilled cheese sandwiches with soup—and Levi joins you at the table.
It’s odd at times, reminding yourself that you’re sitting across the table from Levi Ackerman. He’s real, flesh and blood and not some ultra-bizarre dream or weird hallucination. You’d consider that maybe you’re the one that needs to be checked for a head injury if Dr. Holloway hadn’t physically examined him. He’s really here and he’s in your apartment.
Feeling warm at the thought, you glance up to find Levi already looking at you and you divert your gaze to your sandwich.
“So.” You clear your throat. “Do you remember anything else about when you first got here?”
Levi chews silently for a moment. “Not really,” he says, thinking. “I woke up outside. There was no one around and I saw the sign for the train, so I got up and walked to it. I ran into you a few minutes later.”
You take a bite of your grilled cheese and look out the window, watching idly as people go about their days on the sidewalk below.
There had to be something that transported him here, but what? And was it even available here in real life or something only accessible from his universe? Would he ever be able to get back? He had to, right? His part in the story doesn’t end with the explosion. He doesn’t just disappear.
“Maybe we should keep watching once we finish eating,” you suggest. “I can’t think of anything here that would have been able to pull you out of your universe, but maybe we can find clues in the show. There’s got to be something.”
And once Levi finishes the last of his sandwich, he agrees.
Wednesday morning arrives, and you check your watch as the kettle begins to emit a low rumble. Fifteen minutes before you have to leave for work, so there’s time to run through the basics again.
You point to the fridge and Levi watches from his spot against the counter. “Remember, there are some leftovers in there for you when you get hungry. Take whatever you feel like having. Everything should be okay to eat cold, but if you want…” you pause for a moment, taking a side step to the other side of the kitchen and place your hand on the microwave. “This will heat your food. Do you remember how to use it?”
Levi scoffs, his arms now folded across his chest. “I’m not an idiot.”
“I never said you were,” you grin. “But if it’s between going over something you already know and setting my entire apartment block up in flames, I'm going to repeat myself a little.”
Unimpressed, he gestures with a nod of his head. “I just put in whatever I need warmed and press however long it takes.”
“Yes,” you say. “But don’t put anything made of metal or wood inside. Glass and ceramic are okay. Just bowls, plates, or cups.”
He nods.
Behind you, the kettle clicks.
“Okay,” you say, gesturing vaguely before walking toward the living room. “I’ll leave you to it then. I won’t be back until after midnight, so just try to entertain yourself. You remember how to use the television?”
“Yes.”
“And if something happens, just—”
“Go next door so the neighbor can call you. I know.”
Your worry is probably misplaced, but there are so many variables that could go wrong in the next thirteen hours that you can’t help it. It feels a bit like letting a well-meaning toddler loose without supervision—not that you would tell Levi that. Not to mention the lingering fear that you’ve been duped only to come home to all of your valuables missing.
You slip on your shoes by the door and Levi watches on. Finally, you can’t afford to stall anymore.
“I’ll try to be quiet when I get back in,” you say.
“It’s fine,” he replies from the couch. “I’ll probably be awake anyway.”
“You don’t have to wait up for me.”
“I’m not,” he assures you with a bland look. “I just don’t sleep much.”
Struggling with what else to say, you bend down and give Luna a quick pat at the door. “Okay. Bye then.”
“See you.”
Thankfully, your shift serves as a nice distraction when you get into the hospital. There’s always something going on, something that needs to be done, and a lot of brainwork required to do it all correctly. But still, sometimes, between tasks, your mind shifts and you wonder how Levi is doing. If he’s comfortable, if he’s bored, if your apartment will still be in one piece when you get back. You had spent most of the rest of your time off watching the show with him, trying to pinpoint anything that might be a clue, but so far nothing stood out to either of you.
You don’t receive any sort of phone call from your neighbor either, so you try to push the thoughts out of your mind and focus on work. And you manage it well enough until Allie sits down next to you at the nurse’s station eight hours in.
“What’s up?” she asks before nabbing a piece of popcorn from a small bag you’d grabbed from the vending machine down the hall. “Don’t look so sad. You’ve only got four more hours.”
“Huh?” You look away from the chart in front of you. “I’m fine.”
Chewing, she works on pulling her hair into a tight bun. “No, you’re not. You look like someone’s kicked your cat. What happened?”
You shake your head. There’s no point in hiding it from her. Allie always finds ways to work information out of you if she thinks you’re hiding something. “I’m just thinking about Levi.”
She blinks. “The guy from the other day?” she asks, suddenly more interested. “So, what happened?”
Oh, nothing, you think. He’s just actually Levi Ackerman and I’m helping him find a way back into the television. No luck yet though.
“He’s still staying with me.”
There could probably be a code blue announced and she wouldn’t get up from her chair now. You can see it in her expression. She wants to know everything.
“Look at you, living on the edge for once.” She smirks, then practically lights up with an idea. “Are you going to bring him this weekend?”
You shove another few bites of popcorn into your mouth. “Why would I do that?”
“So I can meet him. Duh.”
You point at your chest. “I barely know him.”
Not exactly the truth, but not a lie either. But unfortunately, Allie has never met a stranger. She will talk to him if she has a chance.
“Come on, you can bring a date,” she pouts. “And Jessie’s girlfriend had a last minute work trip come up, so there’s an extra seat.” She grins before adding, “And you’ll have a reason to leave early that doesn’t make anyone feel bad because I know you’re already planning some excuse.”
Sometimes you don’t think you give her enough credit for knowing you so well.
But still, inviting Levi?
You shake your head. “I don’t think he’d agree,” you say, thinking.
But he did say he owes you. And she is right. Showing up with someone would make you feel like less of a loser, and you could leave early.
“Worst he can say is no,” Allie shrugs before getting to her feet. Her break must be over. “Just let me know what he says so I can update the seating chart.”
The apartment is quiet when you get back home just before one in the morning.
Just like he’d said, Levi is awake and sitting on the sofa. Luna slowly uncurls herself from his lap and hops down, stretching on her way to greet you at the door.
“I see you two are finally getting along,” you chuckle.
Levi watches as you crouch to scratch between the cat’s ears. “She’s a persistent little brat.”
“Really wore you down, huh?”
He doesn’t grace you with an answer, but you notice on your way toward your room that he does nothing to stop her when she returns to his lap a moment later.
Once you’re back in your room, you quickly strip off your scrubs and change into a pair of comfortable joggers and a t-shirt. A shower would come later, but first you had to get a quick bite to eat.
Allie’s words resurface in your mind when you return to the living room and find Levi absently scratching behind Luna’s ears. You begin to wonder what he’d say as you round the corner into the kitchen in search of food.
There wasn’t a zero percent chance he’d say no, but you could say the same about him saying yes too. Did you want to put him through that anyway?
You find an open container of yogurt and pluck it from the fridge, intent on mixing it with whatever fruit you have on hand. Moving around the room gives you an idea into how Levi spent his time while you were away. There’s a bowl, a plate, and two utensils in the drying rack next to your sink, plus a mug. Luna’s food dish is also full. Not a chore you requested of him, but you suppose he’s seen you do it often enough that he just knows where everything is.
You smile to yourself and head into the living room, still mulling over the idea of asking him to attend the party with you.
The worst he could say is no, just like Allie said.
Only one way to find out.
You take a spot on the sofa next to him, glancing only briefly at the soccer game that’s playing on the television in order to muster up your courage.
“Hey, Levi.”
“Hm?”
“Do you remember when I said I had a party I have to go to this weekend?”
There’s a pause. “Yeah.”
“Would you want to go with me?”
“No.”
Well that was quick. “Will you go with me?”
“Why do I need to go?”
Because you don’t want to go alone. Because some awful, destructive part of you maybe likes the idea of your ex seeing you with someone else. Someone like Levi.
“I was just thinking…” you begin, swirling the berries into your yogurt absently. “You said you wanted a way to pay me back. I don’t really want to go alone, and I’m allowed to bring a date.”
“A date,” he repeats slowly, like he’s trying to make sure he heard you right.
“It’s not like a date date,” you’re quick to correct, immediately growing slightly hot under his scrutinizing stare. “These days it can just mean two people who are not romantically involved attending something together. As friends.”
“Why not call it that then?”
“Fewer words,” you shrug. “Okay, if that’s so important to you—will you go with me as my friend?”
He takes an infuriatingly long time to respond. But once you’re nearly on the verge of calling it off entirely and going to bed, he says, “Well, it’s good to know you’re not above guilt tripping me.”
“You’ll get a free meal out of it.”
“I better.”
You perk up a little. “So, is that a yes?”
He doesn’t look pleased, but he shrugs nonetheless. “I guess.”
“Oh, perfect,” you smile and take a bite of your food. “I knew you were my favorite for a reason.”
That earns you a sideways glance and you can almost swear that the corner of Levi's lip twitches up, but the light from the television shifts, enveloping his face in shadow before you’re able to see for sure.
And for the first time since you first got the invitation, you’re beginning to look forward to it.
Rahhhhh I miss Kintsugi so bad, I really thought I’d have 11 out by now but every time I see how I have this chapter outlined it just doesn’t feel right and I’d be so frustrated to basically start over from square one 😩
What is the most thoughtful comment you have received from a reader this year that you will never forget?
(I am going to ask a lot of talented authors this question because I am curious to know their answers!)
Hello anon!! I feel honored to be included in the talented authors club 🥹
I sat on this question for a few days, gone through old tags and comments and it is just so hard to pick because every comment or display of appreciation for my writing warms my heart, and I genuinely mean that.
There have been a couple readers who commented or reached out to me in DMs to tell me Kintsugi is special to them because they themselves have experienced an injury or chronic pain that has affected their experiences in sports, and that really stays with me. I think back on those readers a lot. I never really envisioned my story being a comfort or helping anyone like that at all 😭
i DO believe that a good writer can make mischaracterization work. oh there's a character who doesn't normally cry? figure it out!! disect the character. make the situation cryable for them. make that character cry ugly tears even if it goes against their very nature. YOU CAN MAKE IT WORK!!!
A great piece of advice I've seen is "Don't fixate about what the character would never do. Think about the circumstances that would drive them to do this, even if they wouldn't normally."
