Human No. 661

These are my random thoughts and feelings.

[hujansamudra]

Menyedihkan melihat diri sendiri masih berharap sesuatu dari manusia dan kecewa lagi.

Heran, kok ga jera.

[humanoid661]

Could you at least?

I know every person has their own thoughts but could you at least respect other’s principles?

I may still learning things but could you at least understand that I always try not to judge and critic whatever your perspective is?

I always tried to do my best when it comes to listening people even though I’m not that good. So could you at least listen to the stories and idealism I’ve been carrying on all this time?

Though I don’t expect you to see through my perspective at all.

What you’ve been thinking, feeling, or speculating, are not the same as mine. What you think it is usual, it may be not usual for me.

Vice versa, honey.

You want to be understood and so do I.

(Salatiga, 17 Februari 2021)

[humanoid661]

I’m questioning myself

Did I really had a feeling for this person?

Or is it just me admire him as an ideal human being?

Because I feel nothing when I found out about him dating someone in the last 3 (or 4?) years.

(Salatiga, 1 Desember 2020)

[humanoid661]

I was.

I was ready to crumble only for today.

I was.

Ah, I really hate myself.

(Salatiga, 27 November 2020)

Now that I get what kind of message you did want me to know in my dreams few months ago, but I really wish I didn’t get it. Kinda looks like it was real, and it is real.

Even my tears were real that night.

[humanoid661]

Happy born day!🍍🍍🍍

(This month is probably my “every good and bad things happen” month. But still, today should be yours only)

P.S. I know Gray loves baked corn so here it is. 🌽🌽🌽

(Salatiga, 27 November 2020)

[humanoid661]

Esensi Maaf

Hari ini aku lupa sebuah esensi maaf. Lidah berucap segalanya tetapi bukan maaf. Entah, apakah karena aku merasa bisa atau congkak kian menggerogoti pikiran.

Hari ini aku diingatkan sebuah esensi maaf. Aku diingatkan oleh seorang kakek tua sampai pandanganku bengap oleh air mata.

Tak semuanya tergantikan oleh materi. Sampai hari ini pun, masih ada orang-orang yang hanya membutuhkan kata maaf.

(Semarang, 10 September 2020)

[humanoid661]

A song to interpret you

Niki’s Lose really plays in my head for these several days. I keep drowning and lost myself into every line of the lyrics. Deeper than ever.

Tahu Diri by Maudy Ayunda was a song, my very first choice to interpret you since many years ago.

This song is the second.

(Salatiga, 1 September 2020)

[humanoid661]

Lose

All I really know is when I'm lonely

I hate that I'm lonely

And that's why I let you in

And maybe in another life we fight all day, kiss all night

But I don't wanna break your heart, you keep yours

I'll keep mine.

NIKI - Lose.

And why the hell this song could be so synced with us right now.

(Salatiga, 29 Agustus 2020)

[humanoid661]

Nah

I really should’ve not trust him this much.

(Salatiga, 28 Agustus 2020)

[humanoid661]

Don't talk too much about it again. You don't even know what will happen next.

(Salatiga, 27 Agustus 2020)

A self-reminder.

[humanoid661]

Harga diri yang dapat runtuh kapan saja

Belakangan, tulisannya tak jauh-jauh dari surat cinta. Surat cinta yang tak pernah ditulis siapa penerimanya. Ya, ia memang sedang gundah. Kegelisahan tak kunjung mereda setelah satu-dua kalimat saling sapa. Dan yang ia harus ingat-ingat: terbayang harga diri ini dapat runtuh kapan saja.

Kalau bisa dibilang, mungkin ia adalah wanita paling jahat di dunia. Membolak-balik hati manusia seenaknya. Mengabaikan mereka yang selalu ada. Menggali kenangan pahit yang telah dikubur dalam oleh orang-orang yang ia tinggalkan.

Tapi ia juga wanita paling bodoh sedunia. Membantah pikiran-pikiran rasionalnya. Meladeni mereka-mereka yang sudah jelas pernah menorehkan luka.

Ia meragui dirinya sendiri. Ia suka sekali menggantung harapan orang tinggi-tinggi. Seringkali rasa enggan muncul: rasa enggan melepas ikatan dengan mereka yang terlanjur terlibat dalam kehidupannya.

Makanya, resah tak pernah lelah untuk datang. Surat cinta yang ia tulis tidak hanya tentang satu orang.

Makanya, aku sudah bilang harga diri ini dapat runtuh kapan saja.

(Salatiga, 26 Agustus 2020)

[humanoid661]

He who drags me the opposite way

It is very rare that I write when the sun is still up there, smiling brightly. But I have the urgency to write right now, because I think my head is going to explode soon. I cannot think clearly at all since his sudden comeback. I need to tell someone but I can’t, so I write here.

I don’t understand why I easily become this weak and fragile when it comes to him who’s dragging me this way right now.

He said I can trust him.

He said he’ll share everything.

He said let him do his best.

But who in this world can forget? When he disappeared without a word. Who in this world can forget? When he’s suddenly going out with someone else. I even can’t forget about how he texted me secretly and deleted our texts when he hasn’t even read my replies. Even worse, he texted me back like there’s no conversation before.

But I still don’t understand myself who couldn’t ignore him even in this day.

He, who drags me the opposite way where my feelings are.

(Semarang, 24 Agustus 2020)

[humanoid661]

(Masih) Di Dalam Draft

Hahaha.

Lihat isi draft rasanya ingin terus tertawa. Hampir melebihi jumlah jari tangan banyaknya. Akibat rindu menulis tapi kebanyakan mikir, sampai akhirnya tombol post nggak pernah tersentuh. Semua masuk ke kolom draft.

Terus aja gitu. Sama kayak perasaan. Imajinasi udah menjalar kemana-mana...

tapi masih di dalam draft.

(Salatiga, 12 Juli 2020)

[humanoid661]

I can't wait for you to come my way. I've been far away, but I'll keep running just to find a way to you til' then.

(Salatiga, 18 Juni 2020)

Me listening non-stop to your current Mariposa.

And I think... I’m a pretty bad stalker, ですよね?

[humanoid661]

Another weeks, here I come.

Satu ucap kata mampu mengubah hari seseorang menjadi semakin buruk.

Pun sebaliknya.

Hari ini saya dibuat cukup bahagia karena sebuah alasan sederhana, yang akhirnya membuat saya melupakan sejenak kekesalan saya dalam beberapa hari terakhir.

Dan entah kenapa, setelah alasan sederhana itu muncul:

Sebuah alasan lain yang jauh lebih besar datang seketika meluluhlantakkan kekalutan di diri saya, hingga mampu membuat saya membulatkan keputusan untuk tetap bertahan di sini.

I’ll struggle for another weeks.

I’ll wait for the end of July.

(Salatiga, 11 Juni 2020)

[humanoid661]

Finding me, is that easy for you?

(Salatiga, 24 Mei 2020)

You, who found me in a crowded video just after few minutes I asked to.

[humanoid661]

A notification came while I'm having a con-call. You know what? I can't stop smiling. Thank God the microphone was off.

(Salatiga, 14 Mei 2020)

Text me again, Mr. Pineapple. With that “colon & three” emoticon, of course.