A Whole Bunch Of Hypothetical Ideas Because SPACE

Yea

[humans-man]

Humans are Weird: mammal things

So I haven’t seen this done yet and it’s probably gonna be awful cause I suck at writing but like I live in a place where if you step outside for any amount of time you will probably end up with at least two ticks on you, which of course leads to everyone sitting around looking through each other’s hair, and I can say this would 100% confuse aliens.

Xrants’ca had been selected to go on a research trip to Terra or as the humans called Earth, to look more into the behavior of humans as well as the local flora and fauna and how they react in the same environment. Seeing as the field of humans was still lacking to the utmost extreme. To say Xrants’ca was excited would be the understatement of the century.

Two weeks in and everything was going smoothly, there had been a brief misunderstanding over what the humans had referred to as a “figure of speech” but overall their stay had coincided fairly well with what the human handbook had prepared them for.

The streak however was broken on the second Saturday afternoon they had been there. The group had gone to observe the human custom called a “potluck” which human-Mary had been generous enough to invite the research team to. It was held in a wide open field surrounded on one side by trees and the other three by a golden colored Terran plant called “corn”. It had been an insightful day, learning the traditions and acceptable behavior of this part of the species that was so new to the Galactic alliance.

The biggest surprise though came after the festivities were completed. The team had headed back to the building they were being housed in time being along with a group of humans who happened to live there as well, and had just finished setting their notes in their respective private units and resurfaced in the common room to prepare for dinner when they stumbled into what looked like a mammalian bonding session, complete with grooming.

Xrants’ca pauses in the door way trying to take in everything to write down later and softly cleared his throat, as Nixcla (a Thenolan and one of two geneticists on the team) slowly shifted behind Xim trying to exit subtly. Human-Mark a younger member of the humans that lived in the house startled slightly and spun towards the door before realizing it was just Xrants’ca. It always surprised Xim that one of the most feared species known to the universe startled so easily.

“Xrants’ca! Hey. What’s up, can I help ya with somethin’?” He said.

“I do not wish to interfere,” he said timorously “but may I inquire on what exactly you are doing?”

Human-Mark turned toward the group and began muttering at a frequency Xrants’ca could no longer hear, when human-Julia piped up across the room pausing her grooming.

“Xrants’ca dear we’re just checkn’ fer ticks. It’s nothing to worry you’re pretty little head over.”

“Search for ticks?” Xe repeated unfamiliar with the term.

“Yes son. Ticks. Lil’ buggers like to get‘n ta hair when yer not lookin’.” Human-John responded from the base of Human-Julia’s chair. Xrants’ca nodded his head slightly and backed away from the room and turned towards Nixcla.

“Did you know humans were mammals?” Zee asked quietly as they retreated farther from the room.

“No.” Xi replied with a sigh “though at this point I probably should have seen it coming.”

[humans-man]

Humans are Weird

She fought like a human. Cold, calculating and with an unbreakable determination to win.

The Zjadtla had watched the galactic out post for a while, the small base on an old mining planet, sols away from the nearest inhabited planet. It would be a quick job. The Zjadtla being an accumulation of some of the strongest predatory species in the known galaxy should have had no trouble overpowering the few crew the base possessed and deliver the planet to interested buyers lined up at the black market. Or at least it should have been easy, but they hadn’t prepared for one thing. A Human.

Marcelina Cal-mee-marce had been transferred two weeks before the attack was scheduled to take place. There had been some uncertainty from some of the older bounty hunters but ultimately it was decided to go ahead as planned. That was their first mistake.

After all, what could one individual do against an enemy so great and vast as they? Regardless of species. That was their second mistake. Underestimating a Human.

In the end neither side were prepared for the losses the battle wrought. It was a blood bath if ever there was one. The walls were painted in blood and flesh and the air rung with the sounds of battle and death.

Only a handful of Zjadtla escaped with their lives, their lives and an understanding only gained by those who stood on the doorstep of death and gained its knowledge.

Do not fight a Human. They are small and gangly and docile, but that is just a face, a deception used to fool their enemies. Because underneath their timidness and peace lies a monster of rage, destruction and desolation waiting to be released and obliterate all that stand in its way. Do not fight a Human. You will lose.

After all everyone knows, when a good man goes to war, demons run.

[humans-man]

Humans are Weird: spiders

Cjadt’jan had been walking through one of the corridors on the ship scanning over some files of the recently completed mission to Zraqnxtic’s moon in sector 740, when a shrill shriek of terror ripped through the corridor and with it, any hope Xi had of finishing the report.

Dropping the tablet to the floor Xi sprung through the long hallways in the direction of the noise rounding the corner to the kitchen and sliding to a halt, Xis clawed toes dragging across the metal floor as Xi went.

Xi froze in the doorway Xis eyes searching the room for what could have possibly happened to make such an awful sound, but try as Xi might Xi could see nothing in the general vicinity that would warrant such a reaction from any species.

The kitchen for the most part was still, the stainless steel countertops still shiny from being wiped down a few hours earlier. The only thing that Cjadt’jan found odd was Human-Steph who was standing on the island Fernask had insisted on adding to the kitchen after the ships inhabitants grew from fifteen to twenty-five, starring down at the floor in what if Cjadt’jan didn’t know better would describe as fear.

“Human-Steph, I heard you’re distress call, what seems to be the problem?” Xi asked extending Xis arms forward palms up in what the Captain’s training videos said humans took as a calming gesture.

“SPIDER!” She screeched her voice raising an octave and a half as she pointed towards the floor and scrambled back slightly on the counter trying not to fall off as she did so. Sure enough a large black spider crawled lethargically around its web in the spot Human-Steph had indicated before, seemingly minding its own business.

“Human-Steph, I believe I have misunderstood something.” Xi said looking back and forth between the spider and his crew-mate. Xi figured Xi must have made a mistake somewhere in Xis thought process.

Maybe the spider was a danger, after all, humans where known across multiple galaxies to pack bond with even the most notoriously deadly species known to the Galactic Alliance, if one was showing balant fear to any species, regardless of size, perhaps it would be in Xis best interest to proceed with caution.

“Kill it! KILL IT!” She screamed again, as the arachnid began to move slowly in the direction of the human. Just as Cjadt’jan was about to grab Xis gun and dispose of the offending object Human-Lisa entered the room gun drawn and eyes wide.

“Steph?”She asked confusedly as she lowered her gun and took in the room around her. “Why are you screaming? What’s wrong?”

Human-Steph repeated her call of spider again and pointed, her arms visibly shaking as she did so. Human-Lisa let out a sigh, put her gun away entirely, walked over towards the spider briskly, and proceeded to squish it quickly, before turning to help Human-Steph down from her perch a top the counter.

Cjadt’jan watched silently as Human-Lisa sent Human-Steph out of the room with a gentle pat on the back and a quiet reassurance that everything was ok, flicking Xis ears a few times in confusion as Xi did so.

“Human-Lisa, I do not understand what distressed Human-Steph.” Xi said as Human-Lisa turned to face. Xim fully. “I was under the impression humans enjoyed pack bonding with all non-lethal species.”

“Well I wouldn’t say that’s true. Steph’s had arachnophobia since she was real small,” she said shrugging as she moved across the kitchen. “It just depends on the human really.”

Cjadt’jan let out a heavy sigh and nodded his head in understanding. looks like the Human Handbook was getting another update.

[humans-man]

Humans are Weird: Music

So this has probably already been done before and I can’t write for shit, but this is my take on what would happen if aliens didn’t have music.

Xrants’ca had been ecstatic at the chance to finally talk to some humans and learn about there culture. A ship had come in earlier that week to the base with not one but two humans on board! When Xi came to inquire whether the pair would be okay with answering a few questions Xi had they had both been happy to indulge Xim. Now though Xi was entirely lost, Human-Bethany had pulled out her touch device and brought up something called Bowhee Mi-Ann Rap Sodii to show Xim.

Xrants’ca was familiar with the strange human concept of “music” though it still baffled Xim that any species would manipulate their vocal chords but Xi supposed with humans reputation of being mimics Xi shouldn’t have been too surprised. What Xi was listening to now however left him in complete awe and confusion. Wave after wave of sound washed over Xim, leaving him mesmerized by the complexity and emotion ingrained into the very core of the sound waves as they resonated in Xis head.

Every time Xi thought sound began to even out and become repetitive the melody would suddenly change completely into something completely different and uniquely it’s own. As the song ended Xrants’ca slowly looked between the two humans his six noodle like arms twitching in bewilderment and amazement.

“Human-Bethany,” Xi asked breathlessly. “is all of your “music” on earth like that?”

Human-Bethany for her part just hummed and tilted her head, an action Xrants’ca had learned to interpret as thinking deeply.

“I mean not really,” she said turning towards her companion slightly. “Bohemian Rhapsody is just one song, there are tons of different genres, this is just one of ‘em, to be fair though you’d be hard pressed to find a song better then this one.”

“But why is it so,” Xi paused trying and failing to find a word that conveyed the weird sensations and emotions this “music” brought with it.

“Oh,” Human-Bethany said shrugging her shoulders and relaxing back in her seat.

“That’s just Freddie Mercury for you.”