I don't mind that you are not like me

Personal/Semi-Private

[musicalfreedom]

Nobody survives exactly the way they want to.

[softest-archive-deactivated2023]

I’m ok. I’m gonna be ok. I’m gonna live a beautiful life and I’ll get to know beautiful people. I will create things of beauty and be surrounded by flowers. And I’ll love myself, and I’ll be soft, I’ll be kind. And I’ll be ok.

[hummusvacuum]

Holy SHIT I hate myself so much and nothing is ever going to fix it

[hummusvacuum]

Uh oh folks. I have been on a wild roller coaster of dysphoria and emotions but the more I think about it the more I feel extremely transmasculine and like I would want to transition. I was frightened Bc I was scared I'd never find love and no gay man would want someone who wasn't "really a man" and no cis man would see me as "female enough" and I am still scared but I'm like...idk. This info does nothing. I can't ever come out to my parents so I couldn't transition if I wanted to. I've grown so cons with my pronouns that idk if I'd like he/him but doesn't that make me fake or something? I don't know, it's like I think I have an epiphany and then I go to talk about it and end up right where I started

[hummusvacuum]

Suicide tw;; I would tag it but I don't want this being found in a tag I'm such a fuck up. I need help. I don't know what I'm doing and I'm constantly sleeping and missing class and then I don't fix my messes because I get too fucking anxious to go in fear of missing something too important or having my teacher yell at me. Everything is frightening and I can never breathe I'm so fucking immature. And I'm tired. Of everything. I'm so done with this shit I'm not here for any good reason and my life will continue to be mundane, empty, meaningless, and filled with anxiety and fuck ups. I wish I had the damn courage to just fucking jump off a cliff or overdose or do something.

[hummusvacuum]

I keep thinking about doing eveything with you and how you'd think about it and what it'd be like with you. Or I think about what it was like with him or what he'd think or how we would be now if nothing had changed and I shouldn't mix these feelings together but I can't help it and holy fuck I'm sorry that I'm projecting on you, a practical stranger

[hummusvacuum]

It’s fucking incredible how easy it is for me to be fucking done with everything. Like you think you’re okay for so long and something just makes you the slightest bit sad and then everything makes you sad and then you start to remember how and why and how much you hate yourself and you’re like fucking christ how did it take me this long to remember again and how has anyone fucking put up with this piece of actual shit.

[hummusvacuum]

I’m crushing so hard and it’s confusing bc it might be just friendship but the kind of relationship I want is the same They do. Asexual, relatively little sensual/romantic moments of smooching/making out/etc, and more like rlly close friends who cuddle and play vid games together. Like maybe eventually wed smooch, but who know! The reason my relationship with Danny lasted and became what it was at all was bc it started with ZERO pressure and was all about spending time and being platonic bc we were ace (even if he turned out not to be) and were ok with t and progressed toGETHER. And I just,,,,idk but I am def crushing hard and for real this time

[hummusvacuum]

lol nvm

[notlindsay]

*breaks my own heart from thinking too much*

[hummusvacuum]

I’m so tired of being happy and then suddenly, for no reason other than I heard a somber song or started thinking about something other than some light heartened thing, going into intense deep and scary depression. I’m so tired of never being okay but being decieved into thinking I am. I’m tired of always being tired, being useless, not amounting to anything, not creating, barely existing, and being this person. 

I’m never going to be okay and I’m never going to be anything and what’s the point

[jennyhoelzer-deactivated2016120]

anyone else lose their youth to depression  haha

[hummusvacuum]

me: im struggling with depression

family: not possible, because at 4:45pm on april 16th 2007 you smiled for 2 seconds

[hummusvacuum]

I'm crushing so hard and it's confusing bc it might be just friendship but the kind of relationship I want is the same They do. Asexual, relatively little sensual/romantic moments of smooching/making out/etc, and more like rlly close friends who cuddle and play vid games together. Like maybe eventually wed smooch, but who know! The reason my relationship with Danny lasted and became what it was at all was bc it started with ZERO pressure and was all about spending time and being platonic bc we were ace (even if he turned out not to be) and were ok with t and progressed toGETHER. And I just,,,,idk but I am def crushing hard and for real this time

[houseof1000butts]

i shouldn’t condemn you so much because as much of an asshole as you are i will always always care about you and i know that your life is basically one big awful circumstance that you don’t and never did have any control over and you’ve been through things i’d never wish upon anyone that have made you the shitty way you are. like you’re a manipulative dick and it’s not an excuse to treat people badly but you’ve been through the ringer and you’re still going through it and i genuinely hope you get out of it someday and make yourself a better person and that you find real happiness. i always wonder how you’re doing because so much in your life you don’t and didn’t deserve and i really want you to get better.

[andreandkarl]

3.24.16

from last night

[hummusvacuum]

I am not important and that is not bad I am just tired of pretending I am and tired in general I do not want to wake up anymore

[hummusvacuum]

I hate everything that I am I'm tired of feeling empty and useless and watching me message someone and then them immediately go offline or on do not disturb because they know I message a lot and they don't give a fuck bc why should they I don't say anything I ramble and I don't get the goddamn hint. I'm so annoyed at myself for not being able to be a decent fucking person or a good friend or someone people actually want around but I'm the opposite and I always will be. I feel hollow and I have no one to talk to because I already out this shit on too many people, who I know are tired of it and are tired of me